How To Attract Love: Starting With Personal Growth And Reflection

The concept of “attracting” romantic love has become popular on social media in recent years. There may not be strong evidence to suggest that beliefs or positive thoughts are enough to bring success in any area of life. However, it may be possible to “attract” positive relationships in the sense of preparing yourself to be ready if a compatible potential partner should cross your path. Below is an overview of inner work and self-care practices that may help you prepare yourself for a future romantic relationship.

What makes a healthy relationship?

In many cases, a person who wants to attract romantic love into their life hopes to find a safe and healthy relationship with another person. Each individual may have a different perception of what makes a healthy relationship, but research suggests it can often involve:

• Strong communication and negotiation skills
• Caregiving behaviors
• Self-expression
• Respect
• Trust
• Honesty 
• Fairness

Healthy relationships typically involve all partners working together to build positive dynamics. That’s why cultivating personal growth and relationship skills is often part of attracting healthy love. Working with an online therapist is one way to get support with self-reflection and skill-building for healthy relationships. 

What does it mean to attract love?

Attracting love may not be the same as chasing love for the sake of it or forcing a connection when things aren’t aligned. It’s generally not about being perfect, either, but about developing the self-awareness to be able to engage with another person in a positive way. 

When people talk about attracting love, they’re often referring to a meaningful, longer-term connection rather than a passing spark. While the feeling of instant chemistry can be exciting, meaningful love often goes deeper. That’s why doing self-growth work over time may help set you up for the possibility of healthy and closely connected romantic love.

Understanding your personal journey toward love

Each individual’s personal journey toward love may look different depending on their:

• Past experiences
• Existing relationships
• Relationship goals
• Cultural influences
• Core values and belief systems

On this journey, it may be helpful to reflect on these, clarify what you’re looking for in love, and prepare yourself in case an opportunity to build it comes along. For example, you might evaluate any past relationship experiences. If you and a past partner didn't align in terms of core values, prioritizing this in future relationships may be important. Or, if you had trouble being emotionally vulnerable in a past connection, working with an online therapist to understand why before entering a new relationship might be helpful.

You might also evaluate your expectations in a potential partner, including recognizing what influences have shaped them. Are you comparing your ideal relationship to idealized versions you see on social media, for instance, or to unrealistic depictions of romance in movies? Becoming aware of these influences and adjusting your expectations as needed may help you prepare for love.

Inner work that may help you attract a potential match

Doing some inner work may help you be ready if you meet a potential romantic match. A few areas to consider focusing on include core values, relationship needs, limiting beliefs, self-worth, and emotional readiness.

Clarifying your core values

Core values can be defined as ideals, priorities, or moral standards that you use to guide your decisions and your path through life. Some examples of core values a person might have include:

• Building a successful career
• Having close family relationships
• Committing to lifelong learning or personal growth
• Being your authentic self, no matter what
• Living by the framework of a certain religion
• Telling the truth absolutely, even when it’s difficult
• Showing compassion for all living things

Each person may have a different set of core values and priorities. Getting crystal clear on yours by listing or journaling about them may make it easier to evaluate a potential partner for core compatibility. 

Defining your ideal relationship

Considering what your ideal relationship dynamics would look like may help guide you in your journey toward love. Instead of making a laundry list of surface-level traits like job title or the specifics of their appearance, you might imagine how you and an ideal partner would make decisions, communicate, or handle conflict.

Imagining your ideal relationship without idealizing it can be important. That is, you might think about healthy dynamics you’d hope to build while recognizing that no partner or relationship is perfect and that healthy connections typically take ongoing, mutual effort.

Identifying and challenging limiting beliefs

Limiting beliefs are deeply held, typically untrue ideas you may have about yourself, which may be holding you back from achieving success in some area of life. Limiting beliefs about relationships can be self-deprecating and often shaming thoughts about your love life, potentially stemming from cultural messaging or warped perceptions of past experiences. 

An example of a self-limiting relationship belief would be thinking that you must be unlovable because you’ve never been in a serious relationship. Working with an online therapist to uncover and adjust unhelpful beliefs like these may be an important step forward on your personal journey.

Building self-worth

Self-worth is “an individual’s evaluation of themself as a valuable, capable human being deserving of respect and consideration.” In the context of dating, it can be important to cultivate a sense of self-worth beyond the validation of a prospective partner. In other words, it can be a game-changer to be able to expect and feel worthy of good things for your own sake, independent of what others may do or say.

This ability may help you maintain a stable sense of self regardless of your dating experiences. It may also give you the confidence to pursue only the prospective partners who recognize and respect your worth. To cultivate self-worth, you might:

• Recognize your strengths
• Acknowledge areas where you may hope to grow
• Practice self-compassion

Gauging emotional readiness and motivation

Consider whether you’re emotionally ready to engage in the type of relationship you want. Each person and situation is different, but answering “yes” to the following questions might mean you’re prepared for healthy love:

• Have you worked on healing from any past heartbreaks? 
• Are you seeking a relationship because you want to, rather than doing so out of loneliness or social pressure?
• Do you already have a fulfilling life that involves your own friends, interests, and goals?
• Are you ready to be emotionally vulnerable with someone new?
• Are you ready to put in the effort to build a healthy connection?

You don’t need to be perfect to build a healthy relationship. However, reflecting on your emotional state and your motivations for seeking a partnership can sometimes help you manage your expectations and avoid getting into a relationship before you feel ready.

Looking for love: taking aligned action in the real world

In addition to reflection and personal growth work, there are other actions you might consider taking to align with your intent to form a healthy relationship. First, spending time in environments that reflect your values may help you grow in these values and increase the odds of meeting like-minded individuals. 

In addition, it may help to remain open to new connections while maintaining healthy emotional boundaries. For example, taking things slow when you start talking to someone new may help you protect your heart as you determine whether you might find love with this person.

Finally, practicing self-care along the way may help you be emotionally resilient and remind yourself that you’re worthy of love, regardless of your relationship status. Healthy practices for self-care and wellness, as you look for love, may include things like:

• Getting enough sleep, exercise, and nutrients each day
• Making time in your life for friends, hobbies, fun, and wonder
• Using positive self-talk and affirmations daily
• Maintaining healthy boundaries with others
• Setting and working toward personal goals

How therapy can support clarity, confidence, and connection

If you’re looking for support in moving forward on your personal growth and relationship journey, you might work with a therapist. They may help you crystallize what you’re looking for in a partner, build self-confidence and self-esteem, and prepare to potentially build a healthy romantic relationship. If you’re struggling with self-limiting beliefs or low self-worth, they may use methods like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to help you recognize and shift distorted or unhelpful thoughts.

It may be useful to remember that the goal of therapy isn’t typically to “fix” yourself or change who you are. Instead, it can be a tool for confidence-building, self-reflection, and self-growth, which may be beneficial regardless of your relationship status or desires.

The convenience of online therapy

In many cases, you can choose between seeking therapy in person or online. If there are few therapists in your area, you can’t commute to regular in-office appointments, or you’d simply feel more comfortable talking to a provider from home, you might consider virtual care.

Online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp allows you to get matched and then meet with a licensed marriage and family therapist, counselor, or psychologist remotely. You can attend video, audio, or live chat sessions depending on your preferences, and you can switch therapists at any time if your provider doesn’t seem like the right fit. For many people, virtual therapy can be a convenient option for receiving a therapist’s support.

The effectiveness of online therapy

A growing body of research indicates that online therapy may often be just as effective as in-person therapy. For example, one study indicates that online therapy may be “no less efficacious” than in-person therapy for treating a variety of mental health symptoms and conditions.