“Financial Stress Is Killing My Marriage”: Money Issues, Finances, And Relationships

Married couples typically share responsibilities around housing, food, healthcare, raising children, and more, often without separate accounts. The financial responsibility of tending to these necessities can sometimes put strain on marriages, particularly when partners disagree on how to go about it. Indeed, some older statistics suggest that money can be a significant contributor to marriage problems and divorce rates. 

The impacts of financial stress on marriages can vary, from reduced intimacy and trust to miscommunication and resentment. Here, we’ll explore some factors that can cause financial stress in marriages and how they can affect a couple’s connection. We’ll also provide suggestions for finding solutions and building financial health together. 

“Financial stress is killing my marriage:” the link between money issues and relationship stress

In addition, whether one is aware of it or not, money can symbolize underlying issues of security, power, and values in a relationship. Due to such complexities, financial disagreements can quickly escalate into emotional conflicts.

How disagreements about finances can interfere with connection

When finances interfere with marital bonds, it might manifest as increased conflict, emotional withdrawal, power imbalances, and/or a lack of communication—all stemming from the stress of money problems. This financial stress can damage the connection between partners, potentially making them less emotionally and physically available for each other and fostering resentment. Financial stress might also lead partners to interpret each other’s actions more negatively, viewing innocent behaviors as criticism or a sign of distrust. 

The cycle of resentment and stress

Financial problems can lead to ongoing frustration between partners, potentially resulting in emotionally charged conversations about finances. As a result, one or both partners may avoid those conversations, creating a deeper sense of distance and tension over time. Or, having emotionally charged conversations around money can involve blame or criticism. Either way, over time, unresolved conflicts and unspoken frustrations can build into a more profound, lingering resentment. 

Trust issues rooted in different views on handling money

Trust issues in a marriage connected to money often stem from “financial infidelity,” control imbalances, or divergent spending habits. Many of these behaviors emerge over time without intention, though they could be deliberate in some cases. 

Financial infidelity and dishonesty around handling money

Financial infidelity is when a person lies to their spouse about their finances, whether they decide to hide money spent or hide debts. This type of behavior isn’t always ill-meaning (although it can be). For example, it could stem from shame or conflict avoidance associated with money. Examples of financial infidelity may include: 

• Hidden spending: A partner might lie about spending significant amounts of shared money, especially on an unnecessary purchase.
• Hiding debts: Hiding significant debts from your spouse—especially those from sources like gambling or reckless spending—could be a form of financial infidelity.

Imbalanced control of finances leading to the feeling, “financial stress is killing my marriage”

When one partner controls all of the spending money with no separate bank accounts, it can create a difficult dynamic that reduces equality in the relationship. The partner with less money may feel powerless or resentful at having to ask for cash, while the one managing the finances might feel burdened by the responsibility. In extreme cases, significant power imbalances related to finances could represent or escalate into financial abuse. 

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

Differences in financial habits and how couples talk about money 

Financial conflict in marriages may stem from differences in upbringing, culture, past experiences, and personal values that shape financial habits and money mindsets. For example, one may be a cautious “saver” while the other is more of a risk-taking “spender.” While such differences can be complementary, they can also become a source of conflict. Learning to communicate openly and respectfully about finances can often be foundational to overcoming these challenges.

Tips for addressing financial conflict through open communication

Effectively addressing conflict usually requires a shared financial plan. However, it also typically involves establishing open communication and focusing on handling financial stress together. Below are some tips for doing so.

Use healthy communication techniques when talking about money

To foster healthy communication, it could help to begin by actively listening to your partner’s perspective without planning your response. Additionally, you may find it beneficial to use “I” statements when discussing finances to avoid blaming your spouse and cutting off productive communication. For example, you might say "I feel worried when our budget is tight" rather than "You are always overspending."

Talk about money issues with empathy 

Financial disagreements can sometimes stem from deeper emotions like fear, shame, or a history of poverty or money issues. Acknowledging and addressing these feelings, both in yourself and your partner, could make for more productive conversations.

It can help to understand that money is an emotional topic. Listening to your partner's perspective without judgment and trying to understand their financial fears and values can be key to moving past the “blame game.” 

Present your perspective and show a willingness to compromise

To help your partner understand your perspective, it could help to share your "money story,” or the financial attitudes you grew up with. Your different backgrounds in this area may shed light on your current conflicts and help you appreciate your differences. Listening to your partner share theirs, showing empathy, and being open to compromise may all be crucial parts of this conversation as well. 

Practical financial strategies to consider

Creating a healthy financial strategy that works for both of you may help turn financial stress into a team effort that helps deepen your connection. Here are a few suggestions for some practical ways to reduce stress and work toward turning your financial situation around together: 

• Schedule regular "money check-ins.” Regularly set aside dedicated, distraction-free time to talk about financial matters. This can make money a routine topic instead of always being a stressful emergency.
• Create a shared budget. Collaborate on a budget or spending plan that reflects both of your needs and priorities. Getting a sense of how much money you both earn and how much you both spend can be a good start.
• Define financial roles. Reach an agreement on who handles which financial responsibilities, such as paying bills or managing savings. If one partner earns less, it can be advisable to take care to ensure the arrangement feels collaborative and respectful.
• Deal with debt as a team. Work together to create a plan to pay off shared credit card debt, student loan debt, etc., reaching out to a professional for help if necessary.
• Seek professional help. A financial advisor may be able to offer objective, expert advice to help you and your spouse develop a clear financial plan for financial success.

How married couples experiencing money conflict can rebuild intimacy

While financial issues can damage intimacy, there are ways you may be able to intentionally rebuild emotional and physical closeness to repair your bond. For example, in addition to addressing financial issues, you might prioritize spending quality time together. Shared activities don’t have to be expensive, either; going for a walk together in nature or cooking a meal together can facilitate bonding. 

You might also consider reconnecting physically. Simple physical contact, like holding hands or cuddling, can release oxytocin, often referred to as the bonding hormone. Additionally, you might try to stay focused on shared dreams and remind yourselves of the future you’re building together. Sharing long-term goals, such as saving for a home or retirement, may strengthen your sense of teamwork. 

When to seek therapy to cope with financial stress in your marriage

If financial conflict is causing ongoing distress or masking underlying issues, such as financial infidelity or a gambling problem, professional support may be a helpful resource. Couples counseling can provide a neutral space to address the emotional and communication problems that may be fueling financial conflicts. Or, individual therapy could give a person the opportunity to explore their underlying beliefs about finances and get support in managing stress or anxiety that may result from financial difficulties. 

The benefits of online therapy for married couples and individuals

While therapy can be beneficial for individuals and couples who are experiencing relationship or mental health challenges due to finances, attending in-person sessions isn't always feasible. In such cases, online therapy can be a more convenient way to receive support, since it allows you to attend virtual sessions with a licensed therapist from anywhere you have an internet connection.

In addition to convenience, online therapy offers several potential advantages—including for individuals struggling with financial constraints. For example, being able to attend remote sessions from home can eliminate costs associated with commuting to and from appointments. Plus, online sessions can have more affordable rates than in-person treatment without insurance. Platforms like BetterHelp for individuals and Regain for couples may also offer financial assistance, such as sliding-scale payment options, for those who qualify. Regain is a couples therapy platform operated by BetterHelp.

What the research says about online therapy

Studies suggest that couples who participate in online therapy may experience increased marital satisfaction, stronger relationships, and better overall well-being. For example, a 2022 Frontiers in Psychology study indicates that participants in a six-week treatment program showed significant improvements in relationship satisfaction and improved mental health as well as a decreased desire for partner change.