How Monogamy As A Social Construct May Shape Our Understanding Of Relationships

Monogamy, or the practice of having only one romantic and sexual partner at a time, is considered the norm in many cultures. While some argue this is because monogamy is a natural human behavior, others suggest that the concept of relationship styles in general has been heavily influenced by society and its expectations as well as by history, culture, and religion. Even though many people may accept monogamy as the standard relationship style, viewing it as a social construct rather than an innate need may help us understand the diverse ways in which people may actually manage their romantic lives today. 

Factors that may have influenced the popularity of monogamy

There are many reasons that monogamy may have become so widespread, including both “nature” and “nurture” elements. First, consider the evolution of pair bonding, which researchers suggest began to occur in early human societies as a way to ensure the survival of offspring. That said, less than 10% of mammal species are naturally monogamous, with only about a quarter of primates following this pattern—indicating that there may be other factors at play in how widespread monogamy has become for humans.

For example, religion and laws have also played a strong part in making monogamy the social norm. Historically, humans had many different ways of forming relationships, including practices of non-monogamy. However, as more agricultural societies developed and more permanent settlements began to take root, monogamy may have increased in popularity as a way to offer more stability and economic benefits. Religions such as Christianity and Judaism also came to encourage monogamy as the morally “right” choice for those who adhere to these faiths.

Laws in many countries have also encouraged monogamy by making other types of relationships illegal. For example, polygamy is not allowed in many places, and the law often only recognizes marriages between two people. Legal restrictions like these may help reinforce monogamy as the “standard” model for relationships. 

As a result of a variety of factors, monogamy has been the norm in many places for generations. However, recognizing that many of these factors are human-imposed rather than innate to our biology may help us recognize that monogamy is not the only viable relationship structure, and that there’s actually a wide range of ways people can choose to be in relationships. As research on the topic suggests, “most societies exhibit multiple types of marriages and mating relationships” today. 

Exploring alternative relationship models

There are many different ways to have relationships that have been recognized in different cultures and societies over time. These models challenge the “default” idea of monogamy and may help us understand human relationships in a broader sense. Plus, recognizing the diversity of the ways in which people may choose to relate to each other romantically and/or sexually can help empower individuals to pursue the relationship style that may be right for them—whether that’s monogamy or not.

Although non-monogamy seems to always have existed in human societies, the discussion around this category of relationship types has recently entered the mainstream in a more significant way. It’s becoming more common for people to practice self-reflection to decide which relationship style may be the best fit for them rather than automatically taking on monogamy simply because of its cultural dominance. Today, around one in five American adults report having been involved in a non-monogamous relationship of some kind within their lifetime. 

Some examples of non-monogamous, alternative relationship styles include:

• Open relationships, which usually refer to established couples who have decided to allow each other to pursue sexual connections outside their core relationship
• Polyamory, in which individuals may pursue multiple concurrent romantic and/or sexual relationships at a time
• Swinging, in which couples engage in sexual activity with other couples, usually in a club or at a party dedicated to this practice
• Polyfidelity, where three or more people choose to be in a romantic and/or sexual relationship that is closed to outside partners 

While the formats listed above are common, ENM can take virtually limitless forms, since each individual, couple, or group can decide on their own set of rules and parameters. Also keep in mind that discussions of non-monogamy today usually refer to ethical non-monogamy (ENM) or consensual non-monogamy (CNM). These terms simply mean that all partners involved are aware of and have consented to the dynamic. 

Choosing the right relationship style for you

Today, some people view their preferred relationship style as part of their identity, while others simply choose the one that best fits their lifestyle at a given time—which may change. Regardless of your view, it can be worth taking the time to reflect on your needs and desires and how they may be met by a certain relationship style over another. In general, both monogamous and non-monogamous relationship styles can be valid as long as they’re practiced ethically and consensually. 

There are many different factors to consider when deciding what type of relationship model might work best for you, such as:

• Lifestyle
• Long-term goals
• Sexual needs and desires
• Past relationship patterns
• Legal considerations (especially for those interested in marriage, having children, adoption, etc.)

In the end, only you can decide what relationship format you may be called to or that may best suit your needs. It may help to know that a person’s needs or desires for their relationship(s) could change over time, so you may find yourself wanting to revisit the topic now and again. Finally, keep in mind that it is possible for a person to be able to find fulfillment in multiple types of relationship styles but to choose one in particular that aligns with their current needs and goals. 

Getting support in exploring your relationship needs

Deciding how you want to structure your romantic and/or sexual life can be a big decision with many different elements to consider. If you’re looking for support in self-reflection on this topic or in managing relationship conflict or confusion, therapy can represent a valuable resource. The right therapist can support and guide you in learning more about yourself and your needs, coping with difficult feelings like stress or jealousy, and sharpening necessary skills for being in any type of relationship, including communication and conflict resolution.

That said, there are various reasons a person might not be able to regularly attend in-person therapy sessions, from transportation challenges to a busy schedule. In such cases, online therapy can be a valid alternative to consider. Research suggests that it can be as effective as in-person sessions for improving relationship satisfaction and overall mental health. 

If you’re interested in virtual therapy, you might consider a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples. With either one, you can get matched with a licensed therapist according to your preferences who you can meet with via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging to address the challenges you may be facing.

Takeaway

Monogamy, or having one romantic and sexual partner at a time, is often seen as the “normal” way to have a relationship in many societies. However, it's not necessarily a natural or universal practice for all humans, and factors like religion, laws, and culture may have influenced its popularity over time. If you’re interested in getting to know yourself and your relationship needs better, self-reflection can help. If you’re looking for support in this process, you might consider meeting with a therapist.