What Does It Mean To Be Monogamous?

You may have an idea in your head of what monogamy looks like. Maybe monogamy looks like dating around casually but only committing to a serious relationship with one person. Contrarily, perhaps monogamy brings up a picture of a marriage between two people who commit to love each other for the rest of their lives. 

Some of the terms and ideas surrounding romantic and sexual relationships can be confusing, and it can be complicated to try to figure out what kind of relationship type may work best for you. It may be beneficial to understand more about the history of monogamy and what monogamy can look like if you’re interested in trying this relationship style.

What is monogamy?

“Monogamous” is a word used to describe a relationship, often of a romantic or sexual nature, between two people in which both participants agree that they will be emotionally, romantically, or sexually intimate with only each other. Monogamy is viewed as the norm in many cultures worldwide, including the US.

Monogamous relationships stand in contrast to non-monogamous relationships, such as polygamous or polyamorous relationships. The word “monogamy” stems from original Greek roots meaning “single” (monos) and “marriage” (gamos). However, in conversational use in American society, the term monogamy is not used only to indicate monogamous marriages but any monogamous relationship. 

In contrast, the word polygamy, stemming from similar roots (the original Greek root for “many” is “poly”), is used almost exclusively to refer to marriages to more than one person, while the word polyamory, whose Greek roots mean “many” and “love,” is used to indicate relationships between multiple partners that may or may not involve marriage. 

Monogamy in society and human history

According to the Pew Research Center, polygamy is fairly rare around the world and tends to be confined to a few regions today. Laws and norms can vary widely. For instance, while polygamy is illegal in the US, in other parts of the world, polygamy is legal but not practiced widely. In certain countries, polygamy is both legal and widespread. 

However, in various eras and regions throughout history, polygamous and polyamorous relationships have been normalized and even celebrated. Many early human societies practiced polygamy, often with male leaders (typically kings or pharaohs) taking multiple wives or marrying only one spouse but participating in sexual relationships with other individuals.  

In recent years, there has been a growing interest in non-monogamy. More people have become interested in various forms of consensual non-monogamy, such as polyamory, open relationships, and swinging. 

The exact dynamics of a monogamous relationship can vary from one individual and couple to the next, so being monogamous may have different meanings in practice to different people. For instance, different couples may have different definitions of what would constitute cheating in their relationship. Different people may also have different ideas of the level of commitment or the timing expectations around being in a monogamous relationship. Whatever you decide makes sense for you and your partner, it can be crucial to value communication and consent. 

Potential benefits and drawbacks of monogamy

When weighing what kind of relationship structure you think would benefit your life, it may be helpful to consider some potential benefits and drawbacks associated with monogamy. For some people, having one partner may result in greater relationship stability, but it could also lead to a sense of confinement and lack of flexibility.

Below are some of the potential benefits of monogamy: 

• Decreased potential for jealousy in the relationship, provided both members of the relationship adhere to only one romantic partner and do not cheat
• A lower risk of contracting an STI in some cases
• Less opportunity for miscommunication, conflict, and insecurity related to multiple partners within the relationship
• An enhanced sense of stability
• The potential for more straightforward arrangements around raising children 
• For some people, the potential for an increased sense of closeness and depth as each other’s only partner

Below are some potential disadvantages of monogamy: 

• More pressure on members of the relationship to fulfill all of another person’s emotional, romantic, and sexual needs
• Decreased potential for sexual satisfaction related to novelty in sexual relationships
• Less opportunity to explore new romantic or sexual interests if those don’t align with your current partner’s interests
• Higher chance of a sense of confinement or being stifled, whether sexually or because a one-on-one relationship may limit a person’s ability to pursue new passions and interests
• For some people, the expectation of remaining faithful may be challenging, and it may be hard to resist temptation. 

Finding support for relationship concerns

Wherever you are in your romantic life—whether you are just starting to date or have been married for years—it can be okay to question what relationship structure may be most beneficial for you. However, it can be complicated to try to sort out the answers to these questions on your own, particularly if you and your partner have different expectations and desires around monogamy or non-monogamy. In this case, speaking with a professional individual therapist or couples counselor may be helpful.

In the modern era, some people have packed schedules and responsibilities, making it difficult to nail down time to speak to a therapist. In these situations, online therapy through an online platform like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples may be a more accessible and convenient choice than traditional in-person therapy settings. You can speak to an online therapist from anywhere you have an internet connection, and it can take some stress out of commuting to therapy appointments. Additionally, you can attend therapy online from separate locations if you have multiple partners. 

Research has demonstrated that attending online therapy, including online couples therapy may lead to similar outcomes as attending therapy sessions in person. One study found that couples who completed an online therapy program reported higher levels of relationship satisfaction and overall improved relationship outcomes. These results from the online program were comparable to those from the face-to-face program. If you are interested in exploring what monogamy means to you and whether it might be the right option for your romantic relationships moving forward, speaking to a licensed therapist may be beneficial.