Supporting Teenage Daughters Who Are Going Through Challenges: Advice For Parents

It can be difficult for teenage girls to navigate the difficulties of high school, hormones, and increasing levels of independence in their teenage years. At the same time, it can be just as difficult for parents to work with teen daughters who are making their journey through adolescent development. When considering how to relate with teenage girls, it is important to stay calm, spend time understanding where your child is coming from, and remain active in your girl's life.

While it can feel like your teenage daughter is pushing back on purpose or you feel as if "my teenager hates me", it’s important to examine the situation from a different perspective and set your own opinions aside. This can help you and your teenage daughter work together by building confidence and trust between the two of you and help you avoid mixed messages that may encourage bad behavior and poor choices. Endorsing the stigma that teenage girls are closed-off, difficult, and angst-ridden isn't going to bring you both together; instead, it could end up starting a rift between you two and negatively impact your self-worth. Resources such as online therapy are available to bring you closer and better understand each other and bring daily happiness.

Puberty and adolescent growth

While it may not seem like the best advice at first, sometimes you need to consider that teenage girls’ attitudes may have nothing to do with anything you’ve done. As puberty begins, a teen girl is experiencing many different changes both in the physical growth of her body and her mind. During puberty, the rapid physical development and the maturing of the brain responsible for impulse control may come with various challenges for most teens. 

During adolescence, many teenagers face physical challenges and self-esteem issues that can affect their mood and mental health. While it’s not fair for teenage girls to take out their frustrations on an innocent party, these instances can be teachable moments for your household. Mood swings may indicate that you need to spend time discussing appropriate ways to cope with and control difficult emotions.

As young adults, we learn how to respond to our internal struggles and manage our inner resources from the role models around us. Establishing quality communication and an open-door policy for talking about emotions early on in a child’s life is important. This provides them with comfort and trust as they get older and encounter more emotions than they possibly know how to handle. If you notice difficult behavior from your teenage daughter, such as becoming more irritable and stressed, it’s crucial to assess their feelings and actively listen to their problems.

How defiance could be related to mental health

It can be challenging to stay positive when your difficult teenage daughter's eye rolls after you give a direction. As a major part of their support system, it’s important for you as a parent coach to show concern and interest in certain personality changes. When your teenage daughter begins to show an increase in negativity, attitude, or defiance, there’s a stigma that parents brush off the problems with the excuse of growing pains; often, parents think “She’ll eventually grow out of it.” Your teenage daughter is most likely not challenging you for the enjoyment of being a burden. If you believe it may be possible that your teenage girl is experiencing mental health concerns, such as depression, body image issues, or eating disorders, then it can be best to seek professional help for her.

Questioning the world

As young children, most individuals have a time when they seem to question everything. The question of "why" is often unanswered. Teen girls may have a second wave of peaked interest now that they have a bit more background information and a renewed sense of wonder for the world in their growing adolescent brain. This may be misunderstood as defiance by parents. Many parents may think that their teenage daughters should have passed the questioning phase by now, and instead, they should focus on what's in front of them. Avoid misunderstanding a difficult teenage daughter by realizing that she is going through a mindset change. Try to remember the way you felt when you were a teen; you likely went through a similar phase.

Looking for answers

Often, your child is looking for answers, and if they're questioning your rules or judgment, this doesn't mean they're not looking to you for answers. They may just not be communicating in a way you understand. Take a moment to reflect on your high school years: managing multiple classes, developing social skills, battling awkward physical changes, etc. Being a teenage girl isn’t always easy and usually requires a lot of learning.

Looking for answers is part of your girl finding her own path and creating an independent sense of self. For many teen girls, part of this journey to becoming a fully mature individual involves changing friend groups and searching for where they fit in. Sometimes, this can involve experimentation with sexual activity, style of dressing, or self-expression, which can be difficult for parents to understand or manage. This is why it is important for parents to instill positive risk-taking into their kids, which may help improve teen mental health. As parents, it can be crucial to encourage taking healthy risks and talking about difficult topics with their teenage daughters. That way, they’re armed with the facts rather than potentially untrue information they found on social media.

The stress and anxiety your teen daughter is experiencing are only heightened by the new urge to question what's around them, often because they finally realize what independence means. It's important to notice when the questioning turns aggressive or is accompanied by inappropriate behaviors - an increase in mental health conditions like teen depression and anxiety can result in their defenses being at a new all-time high.

Tips for communicating with teenage daughters

Instilling quality communication skills within your family at an early age is beneficial not only for your peace of mind but for your teen’s mental health, as well. Knowing they can talk to you openly about concerns or questions, even about the small stuff that matters to them, can not only help them gain self-esteem but also help reduce the chance of them withholding their feelings.

Checking biases

Examining your own biases as a parent before jumping to negative conclusions about your teen’s behavior is important. Suppose you believe your teenage daughter is becoming more rebellious, risk-taking, aggravated, or negative. In that case, it is important to have a conversation and express your concern and discomfort, as opposed to thinking they’ll eventually grow out of negative behaviors. 

Showing vulnerability to teens isn't going to give them an upper hand in the household; rather, it shows them how to respectfully bring up issues and talk them out without having to manage things by themselves. Respectful communication can be especially key for your daughter if they experience others’ negative emotions.

Examining social impacts

Teenage daughters and their friends are often immersed in social media, with people tagging, liking, and commenting on content. One survey by Common Sense Media reported that the average daily screen use for teens ages 13-18 is eight hours and 39 minutes daily – a large portion of their waking hours. 

There can be positive moments behind social media, but in the same manner, there can be negative effects when teens observe and post pictures. One negative example is that the media may cause a teenage girl and her friends to be self-conscious and have body image issues, which may sometimes lead to eating disorders. In addition, another concern is that teens may encounter risks from interacting with strangers online. The use of parental control measures may help reduce some risks by limiting exposure to certain content. You might also suggest doing something active or joining you on outdoor adventures to limit their screen time. 

Lisa Damour is a clinical psychologist who specializes in relationships with teen girls, and she encourages challenging social media or what is considered common sense media. Damour states, “You want your daughter to become a critical consumer of the media, so use what [they’re] watching to help [them] build those skills. Swing by the couch or leaning over [their] laptop and saying, ’I'm all for mindless entertainment, but you know I'm not a big fan of shows that celebrate women for being sexy and stupid.’ Your daughter may roll [their] eyes but do it anyway. Girls can listen and roll their eyes at the same time.” Baby steps like this can make a difference for teen girls.

How to find guidance and help

Regardless of how much you think you’re ready for your child’s teen years, nobody has a perfect parenting strategy that goes off without a struggle. Even if you’ve mentally prepared, developed a plan, and checked your resources, there’s a possibility that you’ll be thrown a curveball. This is where a mental health professional can provide the guidance you need for you and your teen girls.

Professional help can aid the parents, children, daughters, and family. In therapy, for example, you can develop strategies for spending more time with your family, improving your relationships, parenting with mutual respect, active listening, and controlling your body language. Practicing open communication with the help of a therapist can help parents and teens work through complex topics, including sexual behavior and mutual consent.

It is important for parents to calmly lead the way without overstepping boundaries, trying to create rules that are impractical, using scare tactics, attempting to control the situation at all times, or pushing their opinions.

Online therapy

Through online mental health resources like BetterHelp(for 18+) and TeenCounseling (13-19), you can find a therapist who fits your family’s needs and expectations. Whether you and your teenage daughter are struggling with communication, openness, or other barriers, consulting a specialist can help you pinpoint what are often common misconceptions and misunderstandings. 

Many families may appreciate online therapy for its flexible scheduling and the ability to attend appointments within the home. Families with divorced parents who live in different residences may be better able to attend synchronous therapy sessions than they would if they had to commute to a mid-way destination. Flexible scheduling is an asset for families with divorced parents who live in separate time zones. 

Online therapy is helpful for parents with teenage daughters who are causing challenges within the household due to their moods or behaviors. One web-based intervention program consisting of six modules was successful in improving parents’ psychological flexibility, emotion control, mood, and coping skills. 

Online psychodynamic therapy has also proven effective for helping adolescents experiencing symptoms of depression, which may be causing your daughter to lash out, withdraw, or fluctuate moods. In one study, researchers used an internet-based psychodynamic treatment (iPDT) to examine its impact on adolescent participants’ symptoms of depression. Findings suggested that the iPDT improved teen mental health and was effective in reducing depressive symptoms in adolescents.

Counselor reviews

Consider this review of a TeenCounseling therapist who has worked with adolescents to help them through various challenges:

"Elizabeth has helped me grow so much mentally and think about situations from a different perspective. She's helped me learn more about my feelings/ thoughts and how to process and let them out in a healthy way. She's a fantastic listener and always gives great feedback, no matter what! If you are thinking about choosing her as your counselor, I would highly recommend them!"