My Teenager Hates Me: A Guide To Navigating The Teen Years

Medically reviewed by April Brewer
Updated March 18, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team

My teenager hates me: now what?

As your child grows into a teen, they may begin to find their individuality, and your relationship with them could start changing. At times, it may seem as though the child you once connected with no longer enjoys being near you or having conversations. These changes can feel challenging; it can be hard to cope with emotional outbursts or changes in respect. Additionally, if your teenager says, "I hate you," you might not know what to do. 

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Communicating with your teen can be challenging

The biology of teenagers

During adolescence, a child begins to develop into an adult following puberty. There are a few ways children experience social development during adolescence, including the following: 

  • Forming a social and personal identity
  • Finding a sense of self and committing to an identity 
  • Exploring and testing limits
  • Becoming autonomous 

These experiences can be a biological reaction following puberty and may result in teenagers pushing their parents away as they discover their personalities. This behavior might enable them to understand where they fit in school and the world. 

Knowing the reason for sudden changes in your teen's attitude may not make it easier for the parent or child to cope. If you suspect your teenager requires emotional support, you might consider contacting a mental health professional for further support. 

Talking about their feelings and adolescence with a mental health professional might help your teen feel more confident and independent. Advocating for your teen's mental health might also help you show love while respecting their autonomy. 

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Navigating the teen years

Many adolescents go through a process of becoming autonomous individuals during adolescence, which may result in behavior like: 

  • Arguing 
  • Moodiness 
  • Pushes for independence
  • Angry or irritable outbursts

These behaviors may make it challenging to connect with your teenager, but it might help to note that they are not wrong and may still be learning conversational skills and how to express themselves at this age. If a teen says, "I hate you," they may be at a loss for words while experiencing a biological urge to find autonomy and independence. They might feel angry or stressed and not know how to express these emotions. Parents may experience these challenges with children of any gender, and different aspects of the child's identity may present unique dynamics. For instance, for parents of a teenage son, societal norms and expectations surrounding men's emotional expression may play a role, with some research suggesting that boys are often taught a narrower range of emotions and are more often viewed as angry.

You can't necessarily stop your child from experiencing their teenage years, but you may be able to adjust your communication skills to connect with them. Try the following techniques:

  • Use humor: Humor might not be appropriate for every situation, but parents can use it to diffuse challenging conversations. Studies show that laughter can reduce stress.
  • Don't yell back: It may feel tempting to shout or respond with harsh words if your teen lashes out with the word hate. However, instead of reciprocating behavior, acknowledging your hurt could be more productive before giving both of you time to process the situation.  
  • Be yourself: Be yourself, keep an open mind, and find times to chat when your teen is receptive.
  • See their side: You may not always see eye-to-eye with your teen. However, it might help to remember how adolescence felt for you and note that your teen may be struggling. 
  • Find common ground: Finding something you have in common with your teenager could help you connect; it might be sports, a TV show, or another activity you both enjoy. 
  • Be there for them: Many teens hate forced conversations. However, continue to let them know you're available when they want to talk and let them start some conversations. 
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Communicating with your teen can be challenging

How to communicate intentionally with your teen

You might find it challenging to communicate with your child when they become a teenager, regardless of how healthy your relationship was previously. Teens may seem closed-off, secretive, or hard to understand, and you might find yourself taking it personally. However, adolescence and the behavioral changes that come with it could be temporary and a part of development. There are several ways to improve communication with your teen, including the following. 

Actively listen

Your teen may appreciate it if you listen instead of offering advice or trying to fix a situation immediately. You might want to lecture your teen or explain a topic they don't understand, and that can be natural. However, teens may also want to feel validated and heard. Listening more could prevent you from jumping to conclusions about your teen's behavior. It might also help to tell them the three words all children want to hear-- I love you.

Relate to them

You may remember stories from when you were a teen. It could be about learning a lesson, getting in trouble for something, or a fun school event. Teens might feel like their parents don't understand their perspective, but relating to them based on a past story could be beneficial. 

Suggest, don't command

Often, teens may do what they want regardless of what their parents say and rebel if they feel ordered around. Try to offer advice instead of enforcing that you know better unless your teen is in harm's way. 

Get to know them

Most parents may feel they know their children well. However, there could be aspects of a teen's personality that they hide from their parents. How well do you know your teenager's hobbies, interests, and daily life? If you don’t know them as well as you think, this may get in the way of having a healthy relationship with your teen. You might ask them about their opinions on specific topics their friends, or their life in general. Be sure to listen to their answers without always talking about your opinions.  

Be clear

Children may respond well to clear expectations, so consider providing consistency in your reactions and rules. If they do not understand a rule, explain it to them and try not to become defensive. As they grow older, it is important to consider that they are not kids anymore and that they need a mature relationship dynamic in their lives for guidance.

Take care of yourself

Hearing "I hate you" from your child may feel challenging for many other parents. Consider setting aside time to take care of yourself as you navigate parenting through the teen years. If you feel like you are being treated like a punching bag, it is important to consider seeking assistance and an outlet for your feelings.

Working with a therapist may help you process your emotions and reframe experiences with your family, which could allow you to handle your teen's outbursts with less frustration.

If you struggle to find time for yourself, online therapy might benefit you — it's as effective as face-to-face therapy and often offers increased convenience. In addition, you can schedule sessions from any device with an internet connection. You may choose between phone, video, and live chat sessions when meeting with your therapist. Online therapy may also help parents who want to learn new strategies to connect with their teens, as it has been shown to improve family functioning

You can connect with a counselor through a platform like BetterHelp, which offers connections to various professionals. Additionally, if your teen is receptive to the idea, platforms like TeenCounseling offer services for those aged 13 to 19. Through the platform, you can connect your teen with a uniquely qualified professional online with parental or guardian permission. 

Takeaway

Parents may find that raising a child is one of their most rewarding and challenging experiences. When challenges occur, you and your teen could benefit from therapy, as it may provide emotional support and an unbiased professional perspective.
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