How To Talk To Your Kids: Establishing Quality Communication Patterns
Parents often hope to create an environment where their kids can talk to them openly. They may want to check in with them, hear about their week, or support them through their challenges. However, figuring out how to create opportunities and environments for children to communicate openly can sometimes be confusing.
All ages can experience different attention capacities, interests, and comprehension skills. However, establishing quality communication while young may help them become more compassionate and empathetic adults. In addition, children who feel they can talk to their parents may form stronger and healthier bonds with them in the long term.
Tips for ensuring quality communication with your children
Consider the following tips if you are looking for ways to develop stronger communication with your child.
Foster understanding
When talking with kids, it may help to consider how you might act when conversing with another adult. Whether it's your coworkers, friends, or strangers, you may have expectations for each conversation. Even if you're having a casual talk about your interests, you might expect not to be interrupted, ignored, or talked over about something unrelated.
In adult conversations, you and those you are talking with may have an understanding with each other that you'll listen, focus, and see the conversation through respectfully. Suppose you need to leave the conversation, change the subject, or insert your opinion. In that case, there may be an understanding that you'll wait for the other person to wrap up or gently notify them you need to leave or would like to comment. These conversation skills show you are paying attention and respecting what the other person has to say.
While talking with your kids, you can bring in some of these same skills and considerations with more patience and understanding. Whether you're talking about each other's days or their week at school, showing interest in their hobbies, or discussing boundaries, try to treat the conversation as seriously as if you were listening to a friend. It may mean a lot to your children to get the same respect and understanding you hope to get in return. Kids can learn through observation, so it can be helpful for parents to demonstrate the importance of being an active listener and leading by example.
Introduce active listening
Understanding your child may not only mean understanding their personality and interests. As noted by the American Psychological Association (APA), there's evidence that children notice and pick up much of their social learning from their parents. Allowing them to speak without being interrupted, engaging in eye contact, using a calm voice during a disagreement, and showing your full attention can give your child the basics of a meaningful conversation.
Children also notice how parents listen and talk to one another, demonstrating healthy communication skills between adults. Positive examples can help kids learn the tools they need for effective problem-solving in future relationships. They learn what listening looks like and how communication is essential to diffusing arguments and getting their point across.
"Active listening" is giving a person your full attention by removing distractions, turning toward the speaker, and giving your undivided attention to what they're talking about. Active listening is about being present in a conversation so kids can feel loved, valued, and safe enough to express their emotions. Listening can also include getting on your child's level, retaining and repeating their words, and asking them questions to understand further what they're talking about.
Meet kids at their level
While some vocabulary may go over kids' heads, children are intelligent and learn quickly. Children are often intuitive and may sense body language or the energy behind an interaction. When they hear a parent talk, they can often tell when something is wrong or pick up on feelings of anger, sadness, or fear. While these feelings are natural, part of parenting may involve helping a child feel loved and safe by explaining why emotions occur.
Imagine your child is sensing that you are upset but doesn't understand why. They might feel upset or confused. On the other hand, when bad things happen at school, and your child doesn't know how to talk about it, you might want to help them through it. Maybe you are having trouble explaining why they need to go to sleep on time or write a paper they've been putting off. You might also want to engage with your kids and know how their week was or what's new in their lives.
It might be beneficial to meet your child on their level using strong communication skills. Depending on their age, kids may have difficulty understanding certain concepts. Play to your audience and talk to them respectfully. Use age-appropriate concepts and vocabulary— like little adults—to connect with them.
You can remind your child they are in a safe, supportive space and get them to open up and talk more. When young people feel more at ease, they may be more likely to talk and hear what you have to say as well. Connecting with your children doesn't necessarily have to be in serious settings. Try having fun and playing while broaching conversation topics you're curious about.
Give the respect you expect
To establish quality communication, it can benefit both of you to have reasonable respect for your conversations. For your child, you can teach them respect principles like waiting for someone to finish talking, allowing someone to provide their own conversation topics, and valuing the responses and opinions of others. However, ensure you follow your advice as an adult in the situation.
When talking to a child, use the respect and consideration you would use when talking to any adult. With your friends and coworkers, you may not talk over them, ignore their interests, or cut them off to focus on another activity. Introduce a similar conversation balance to help your child believe they are valued and listened to. Show your kids that their feelings and what they have to say matter. Giving kids a floor of equal respect and maintaining quality conversations can teach them what behavior to expect and return in future conversations.
Seeking outside assistance
Parenting can come with roadblocks. In some cases, no matter the amount of effort put into communicating, a missing link may prevent you and your children from having open, healthy discussions. If you've noticed this is the case for you and your family or would like additional support, you might benefit from speaking to a mental health professional. With the help of a trained therapist, you can identify new strategies for engaging with your child and developing communication skills.
Some parents have busy schedules, so making time for another appointment may be challenging. However, with an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can meet with a therapist virtually from wherever is most convenient for you, which may make it easier to schedule. In addition, you can choose an appointment time that works for you, with many online therapists offering session times outside of standard business hours.
Research has found that online programs can be effective for parenting concerns. One study found that online parenting programs substantially increased positive parenting and parents' encouragement and significantly and positively affected parent confidence, positive child behavior, and parenting satisfaction.
Takeaway
How do I start talking to my child?
One way to start talking to your child is to meet them at their level. Kids can often pick up on when something is wrong or their caregivers are sad, angry, or scared, though they may not understand why. Talking to them about what is happening and explaining why you feel the way you do can help. Modeling this behavior may also help them open up to you more. For example, if they feel scared or nervous about something at school, they may be more equipped to talk to you about it if you take the time to talk about your emotions with them. You can also regularly remind your child that they are in a safe, supportive space and you’re there for them whenever they want to talk. You can also form connections with your kids through fun activities that offer bonding opportunities and a good time to broach topics with them that might be more difficult to talk about.
How can I be nicer to my kids?
An excellent way to be nicer to your kids, which can also help you communicate with them more effectively, is to give them the respect that you expect from them. Show them how to wait for someone to finish talking, how not to dominate the conversation, and how to value the opinions of others. When you’re talking to them, don’t talk over them, ignore what they’re saying, or cut them off. Show them that what they have to say matters, and respect your child's feelings.
How do you talk to kids who don't want to talk?
Sometimes, kids don’t want to talk, especially as they near their teenage years. But one of the most important things you can do as a parent is not to stop trying. If your child no longer wants to tell details about their life, you should keep asking, but you may need to try a different way. For example, instead of asking about their day generally, ask about more specific things, like how their test went or how their best friend is doing. Remember what they talk with you about, and follow up about them later. This shows your kids that you were paying attention and cared about what they said. It can also help to start a conversation in the car. This can be an excellent way to get teens to open up because you can’t see each other’s faces, and there are other things to pay attention to, which alleviates some of the pressure. At the end of the day, you should make sure you keep talking, keep listening, and make yourself available. Remember, it might not always be a big conversation, but even the little moments can make a difference in the long run.
What age should parents talk to their child?
You should talk to your child at every age! While what you talk about and how in-depth your conversations are may change dramatically as children age, having a relationship to build on from a very young age can help make more difficult conversations a little easier.
How do you talk to your child so that they will listen?
One way to start talking to your kids so they will listen is to say what you see instead of imposing judgment. For example, instead of getting agitated or telling your child not to get upset, acknowledge how they’re feeling by saying something like, “I can see you’re feeling frustrated about what’s going on.” Doing so can help your child feel heard and seen instead of feeling like you’re dismissing what they want and need. Then, they may be more likely to listen. When your kids are doing something you don’t want them to do, try to find another way to help them meet that need. For example, if they are jumping on their bed and you don’t want them to, you can say, “I see you need to get out some energy; why don’t we go to the park?” This approach helps you acknowledge their needs and redirect their behavior without judgment. When your kids are getting through a difficult time, try not to give feedback about you. When the situation is over, don’t say, “I’m so glad you did that.” Instead, say something like, “You really handled that situation well!” or, “You are such a good problem-solver.” Using phrases like this puts you in the perspective of your child’s inner voice, which can help build their self-esteem.
What age is late for a child to talk?
It’s difficult to predict how every child will develop speech and language. There is a wide range of what is considered “normal.” When a baby begins to talk depends on various things, like their natural abilities, the other skills they are learning, how much talking they hear every day, and how people respond to them. But if your child reaches 18 to 30 months and isn’t talking as well as you think they should be, there are some things to look for that may indicate an increased risk for language problems. Children usually understand language before they can use words. If your child can point to objects or characters in a story when you name them and follow simple commands, they are more likely to catch up with their language. They may have a language delay if they don’t seem to understand what others are saying. Many children also use gestures before they use words. If your child is pointing, waving, or lifting their arms to indicate they want you to pick them up, they are communicating, and it is more likely that they will catch up. But if they don’t communicate in this way, they may not learn language as well. When learning to talk, kids should try to use new words every month. They should start putting words together to form phrases and sentences or ask questions. If you don’t hear new words often, your child may have a problem developing language. If you, your wife, husband, or partner think your child is having trouble learning how to talk, discuss it with their pediatrician. You can also have your child evaluated by a speech-language pathologist.
How do I interact with my 8-year-old?
One of the best ways to interact with your eight-year-old can be to set some time aside to work on an activity together. You can do whatever interests your child, whether it’s drawing, coloring, or working on a puzzle. Spending this focused time with them can give them an opening to talk about what they were taught in school that day or anything else on their mind. It can also be beneficial to have casual chats while in the car. You can discuss things that were difficult in your world that day so that they see that everyone has bad days now and then. It can also be very important to pay attention to what they talk about, even when they’re talking about something you might not be interested in because it shows them that you are a good listener. If they feel like you don’t want to hear what they have to say about the mundane stuff, they may not feel they can come to you with the hard stuff.
How do you help your child when they don't talk to you?
Getting your kids to open up can be challenging, especially when they need help. Helping your kids feel safe can help. Kids may be fearful that they are in trouble or that you are angry with them. If you feel like they genuinely need help, make sure they know that you are not angry and are there to offer support. Listen to what they have to say and try to understand where they’re coming from. They may not want a practical solution or ideas for what to do next, and you might not be able to fix their problems. Sometimes, they just need someone to listen. If your child opens up, tell them that you’re proud of them for expressing their feelings and that you understand that doing so took courage. Thank them for trusting you enough to talk to you. Be genuine. Don’t be afraid to admit that you don’t have all the answers, but assure them that you will do your best to find out how to help them.
Why won’t my 12-year-old talk to me?
Kids go through many changes around that age and may become more inwardly focused. They may feel a bit lost, attach more to their friends, and be more critical of their families. Tweens are dealing with intense emotions and a strong desire for independence and may be frustrated that they don’t have more say in their own lives. Communication may be one of the only things they can control, but you can encourage them to talk to you by trying a different approach. For example, if your child has a phone, try text messages. They may feel more comfortable opening up to you that way. You can also try talking to them in their room at night after lights out or take them out for a drive in the car.
Should I let my child talk back?
Talking back is a common problem, but that doesn’t mean it’s something you should ignore. There are many reasons why your child might talk back. They may be trying to exert control, test boundaries, or they may just be in a bad mood. Whatever the reason, back talk is something parents should address and an opportunity to show children how to communicate in a more constructive way. When responding to back talk, remember that kids model their parents. Try to set a good example by staying calm and trying not to escalate the situation. Let your child know what you expect from them. If they continue with back talk, don’t overlook it. Make sure they know what the consequences are ahead of time and follow through. Try to understand where the back talk is coming from. Sometimes, kids can feel mad, scared, hurt, or like they’re not getting enough attention. In these cases, negative attention from mom or dad can be better than no attention at all. Try to identify patterns. When does the back talk happen? Is your son or daughter more irritable after baseball practice or early in the morning when they go to bed later than they should have? Addressing various triggers can help prevent problems.
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