Creating A Parallel Parenting Plan: Pros, Cons, And Tips For Success

Divorce or separation can be hard, especially when it affects younger or older children's lives and involves significant animosity between parents. In cases like these, co-parenting after divorce may be challenging, and the two caregivers might find it difficult to interact on topics related to their child without stress or conflict for the whole family. That's why some may choose to engage in a parenting arrangement known as the parallel parenting method. Read on to learn about what it is, when parallel parenting may be helpful, and how it works in mutual parenting responsibilities.

What is parallel parenting?

Parallel parenting minimizes direct contact, and parents typically do not attend events or appointments related to the child together, either. In many cases, major decisions to be made about the child might be split by category and only collaborated on in extreme situations, or only via one limited, infrequent medium. For example, communication occurs solely via email for some parallel parents.

Developing a parallel parenting plan

Parallel parenting allows both parents to maintain a complete relationship with their child while avoiding potentially distressing contact with each other as much as possible. Parents may choose this style if they find maintaining a civil relationship with their former partner to be challenging or not possible. It can be a temporary strategy until they can address their interpersonal issues, or it may be a long-term solution for dealing with parenting matters.

In some cases, family and conciliation courts may order a parenting coordinator to oversee the implementation of parallel parenting for those with a history of disagreements and animosity in order to safeguard the child's well-being and prevent further conflict. A detailed parallel parenting agreement that covers as many aspects of the child's future as possible may be drawn up in these cases to further minimize parental interactions.

Parallel parenting versus co-parenting

The opposite of parallel parenting is the co-parenting arrangement, where both parents communicate and actively work together to raise the child despite maintaining separate households. However, this method often requires good, or at least civil, family relationships between the parents. They need to be able to engage in flexible, effective communication frequently and be generally willing to cooperate to make joint decisions for the sake of their child's well-being. 

Both households will typically be aligned on their parenting plans, rules, and expectations in order to provide the child with consistent routines and guidance. This will likely entail frequent communication via phone calls, text messages, the use of co-parenting apps, and/or in-person meetings to discuss topics related to the child without conflict.

When and why parallel parenting is used

Co-parenting isn't ideal for all families after the end of a relationship. However, there may be cases where it’s difficult or impossible to make a co-parenting relationship with your ex work. For some, successful parallel parenting may be the best way to provide a healthy, supportive environment for the child. Situations that may be better suited for parallel parenting versus co-parenting might include: 

• High-conflict relationships
• Emotionally charged separations
• Domestic violence or safety concerns

Pros and cons of parallel parenting

Parallel parenting can be the best option for families in certain situations. Here are a few key potential benefits of this parenting arrangement for both the parents and children involved:

Benefits of parallel parenting for both the parent and the child

• The child could be shielded from parental conflict, such as direct fighting and hostility between the parents, which can be damaging.
• The child gets to maintain a relationship with both parents.
• Parents don't have to expend any more energy on their relationship with each other and can instead focus on parenting responsibilities for their child.
• Parents can also take time to heal from the conflict that may have been present leading up to and during their separation or divorce proceedings with minimal negative impact on the child.

Potential drawbacks

That said, there are some potential drawbacks to this parenting style. The child may experience regular disruption to their routines or confusion about what behavior is acceptable due to differing schedules and styles in the two households. Since parallel parents don't generally have ongoing collaboration on their approach to parenting, these may differ significantly. In general, both adults will have to trust that their former partner has and will keep their child's well-being and best interests at heart during parenting time.

Effects on a child’s mental health

Again, one of the key aims of this parenting style is to shield the child from witnessing conflict or animosity between their parents. Peer-reviewed studies in psychology today suggest that children who are regularly exposed to their parents fighting may experience a range of negative effects, including anxiety, stress, hopelessness, aggressive behavior, sleep disturbances, frequent illness, trouble in school, and difficulty forming healthy peer relationships. That’s why sticking to communication limits to reduce conflict between parents is usually best in this type of situation, unless/until they become able to interact with each other in a healthy, civil way in the future through mutual respect and understanding.

How parallel parenting works: Decision making, communication, etc.

To better understand how families may function when this parenting style is used, let’s take a look at some of its key components. Note that while not every point below will apply to every family or situation, they offer a general outline for how parallel parenting works for many families.

Developing a plan

The most effective parallel parenting arrangement is typically based on clear rules and expectations that are established at the start. Since one of the goals of this setup is for the parents to have as little ongoing contact as possible with each other, creating comprehensive parallel parenting plans with provisions for as many potential future situations as you can think of is usually helpful. If parallel parenting is court-ordered, you’ll likely be assigned a mediator to help create a plan both parents agree to. If not, you may still consider hiring family law attorneys to help keep you and your former partner on track through this process so you can create a fair agreement that will help your child adjust. Either way, you'll likely want to make sure the plan is as comprehensive as possible and that the legal representatives of both parents have a copy of it on file.

These types of plans should typically include things like:

• Formal child custody arrangements and schedules
• Holiday and vacation schedules
• A calendar for school activities
• Communication rules and contingency plans for emergencies and delays
• A formal process for making joint custody decisions about the child’s schooling and extracurricular activities
• Medical care plans and a framework for decision-making and contingencies
• Agreements on significant parenting issues that will affect both households, such as the same rules regarding cell phones, internet usage, dating guidelines, etc.
• Consequences for not following the parenting plan

Limiting communication to emails, text messages, or similar channels

One hallmark of parallel parenting is limited communication between one parent and their co-parent. That said, every situation is unique. Some parents may not communicate at all or only through their legal representatives. Others may only communicate monthly via a businesslike email with basic updates, or they may have a journal where they document any important details about their most recent parenting time with the child (notable events, illnesses, behavioral problems, etc.). Regardless of the exact format, the goal is to limit communication between parents in order to limit stress and conflict for everyone, particularly in situations of parenting after divorce.

Decision making: Respecting each parent’s choices

Part of parallel parenting is that you simply won’t have as much say over the details of your child’s life when they’re with your former partner. Besides what’s outlined in the agreement, you generally have to respect their decision-making power and trust that they’ll be in the child’s best interest, even if they have different rules and expectations for your child in a particular area. You should be able to expect the same from them. One exception to this, however, is if you suspect or find out that your child’s other parent is engaging in behavior or making decisions that are putting your child in danger. Then, it becomes the other parent’s role to sound the alarm. 

Legal considerations for parallel parenting

If you’re considering a parallel parenting arrangement after a divorce or legal separation, keep in mind that you may need legal counsel. Courts usually prefer co-parenting when possible, so you may have to prove that a co-parenting arrangement isn’t possible in order for the judge to approve a parallel parenting plan. You can start preparing by keeping documentation of all interactions with the other parent, as well as: 

• Copies of any protective orders (current or in the past)
• Documentation of any therapy sessions or couples counseling attended together
• Documentation of any mediation or arbitration
• Letters from anyone who has witnessed the other parent’s unreasonable behavior
  
  

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

Therapy to support parallel parenting

Working with a therapist may help you identify and work through your emotions about the divorce or separation while building healthy coping mechanisms and parenting strategies for the transition to parallel parenting. A therapist can also act as a nonjudgmental listener as you process your emotions and handle challenges along the way. 

Online therapy for busy parents

Some busy parents find it difficult to attend in-person sessions with a therapist regularly. In cases like these, online therapy can provide an effective alternative. Research suggests that online parenting interventions like therapy can be an effective alternative to appointments in a traditional office setting, so you can typically choose the format that feels best for you. With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed therapist whom you can meet with via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging to get support for the challenges you may be experiencing.