Turning “parenting fails” into growth opportunities: A guide
Raising children can be as overwhelming, exhausting, beautiful and fulfilling. In this mix of emotion, mistakes can be made. “Parenting fails” aren’t generally irreversible, and they don’t mean you’re a "bad” mom, dad, or parent. Instead, a parenting failure can point to areas of improvement and growth for the future, acting as a compass to your next “right” step.
Read on to learn about common parenting mistakes, and how to use them for growth.
What is a “parenting fail”?
When you think of the most epic fails in parenting you might be thinking of a bad spray tan, or those awkward pajama day family pictures that get spread on the internet. However, in parenting, epic fails have nothing to do with a bad picture day or a poorly thought-out bathing suit tan, a parenting fail is generally known by many as one way to describe an incident where you make a mistake in your role as a parent. For most parents, their mistakes aren't made public or things that result in hate mail. Rather, they are small moments that become learning opportunities that help grow a loving, experienced family.
Even good parents make mistakes while raising a family and it is not bad parenting to have fails on occasion. Growth can be the result of adversity, and when you learn from your missteps, you might become a better parent and model healthy behavior for your child.
Examples of parenting fails
The following types of issues may be considered bad parenting by many parenting experts. That said, do not beat yourself if you've made these mistakes, whether they were years ago or yesterday. Other parents make mistakes as well. The best course of action is to learn from mistakes and make changes moving forward.
Not addressing behavioral concerns
Accepting problematic behavior in kids is as inevitable rather than investing the time and effort to find solutions to resolve frustration can lead to undesirable behaviors in some. For example, some parents are resigned to bedtime battles or temper tantrums at the store when clear rules, a reliable routine, and consistent consequences could correct the behaviors.
Some research suggests that a child's birth order may impact how much attention parents give the child, including addressing behavioral concerns. For example, the first child might receive more discipline. By the third kid, parents might have less time and energy available to address behavioral concerns.
Allowing children to dwell in self-centered behavior
There’s a difference between wanting your little boy, daughter, or child to feel loved and accepted and teaching them that their desires always come first. Sometimes, parents can quickly recognize self-centeredness in other children, but not in their own children. If everything you do is focused on your children, it can be hard to maintain healthy relationships in other aspects of your life. Encouraging children to look beyond themselves to the needs of others can support them in their overall journey of development.
Not following through
If your child’s behavior is bad enough to warrant the threat of a consequence, it can be important to follow through. If you fail to do so, it may teach your child that they can act however they want, and future references to consequences may not be as effective. As you remain consistent, consider rewarding yourself with self-care.
Not offering age-appropriate responsibilities
You may consider giving your children age-appropriate responsibilities, such as chores like folding clothes, sweeping floors, or mowing the lawn, so they can manage their time and learn to follow through when they commit to something. In addition, offering responsibilities that are too difficult for a toddler, baby, or kid, may lead to frustration. The key is to find a balance.
Allowing excessive screen time
There’s nothing wrong with television, movies or video games—in moderation. While electronic entertainment can keep your children occupied, it might not teach them important life lessons. It may also potentially expose them to inappropriate content. Recent studies show that screen time can impact the quality of the home environment, either positively or negatively. It is up to the parents to find a personalized balance that suits the needs of their specific situation.
Not modeling appropriate behavior
Parenting can be stressful. Finding healthy, positive coping skills to manage stress can be critical to your success as a parent. Doing so can help your children to see proper ways of handling emotions, particularly the difficult ones.
Neglecting to provide practical information about topics like sex, violence, or racism
Children grow up—and as they do, they might ask some uncomfortable questions. It can be critical to give them honest, age-appropriate answers to questions around sex, dating, violence or racism. By offering the truth in context and being honest with them, your child can be better prepared to form informed opinions about the world around them. This can help them to form a realistic plan for how they want to handle tougher or more “adult” situations.
Failing to provide appropriate limits and expectations
You may find that you prioritize being your child’s friend over being their parent. While this can be common, it may not provide proper boundaries and expectations for them to thrive with. This style of child-rearing is called permissive parenting, and it can lead to some emotional or behavioral difficulties later in your child’s life. To avoid or address this possible area of concern, parents can begin clearly communicating expectations with their child—starting today. Consistency can be a helpful tool to encourage true behavioral change.
Not listening to your child
Children are small and generally inexperienced people, but they are still individuals with their own thoughts, feelings and ideas. Rejecting your child when they approach you with a question or to talk about their day might inhibit them from trying to connect in the future. To avoid this, you may consider making an effort to listen to your child without judgment. Sometimes listening to your child can be as small as letting a toddler dress herself and not criticizing what she's wearing, even if it's unusual.
Expecting perfection or being “too strict”
Authoritarian parents may take a more emotionally taxing role in their children’s lives, potentially not giving them a chance to make decisions or room to fail in doing so. This tough parenting style may lead to future issues for your child, such as aggression, indecisiveness or low self-esteem. Parents may choose to conduct ongoing self-evaluations to ensure that their standards are not impossible for their child to reach at their current stage of development.
Neglecting yourself
Many agree that taking care of yourself is crucial as a parent. If you aren’t healthy and emotionally stable, you may not be presenting the best version of yourself to your children. Self-care can be important, even if it's as small as scheduling a nice dinner without kids or allowing yourself to spend money on a new lamp instead of more toys.
If you struggle with self-care because you believe your needs aren’t as important, you feel like you don’t deserve it, or because of underlying mental health conditions, you may consider connecting with a licensed therapist. They can offer scientifically supported strategies that may help you to attain a higher quality of life.
Undermining your partner (or allowing them to undermine you)
Part of being a good husband, wife, or partner is to support your counterpart. When one parent makes a decision, it’s generally important for the other parent to support it. Making an effort to do this can help couples to present a unified front to their children, reinforcing the idea of authority and proper boundaries in their daily lives.
Parenting failure offers a chance to grow—for parents and children
Mistakes happen. How parents respond to mistakes can offer a chance for transformational growth in both parent and child. Children generally observe your behavior throughout their lives and may use it to model how they will act in the future. Working actively to address and change previous “parenting failures” can show them the importance of resiliency, self-acceptance and emotional aptitude when it is their turn to be a parent, if they choose that path.
Here are a few things that you can do to address instances of failure, potentially turning them into new opportunities for growth.
Admit your mistake and apologize
Generally, parents play a pivotal role in children learning what merits an apology, how to take responsibility for their actions and how to apologize. In the event of a parenting mistake, it can be helpful to admit that you aren’t perfect and apologize. This can promote an environment of resiliency, self-acceptance and self-forgiveness for your child to learn and thrive in.
Take responsibility and try to make it right
If you’ve made a mistake, you might consider taking responsibility for your actions and doing what you can to make it right. Your child can see the effort you make after a mistake and may model their future behavior after your reactions.
Learn from it and do better next time
The ultimate goal of parenting for many is maintaining a healthy relationship with your child while raising an emotionally mature, responsible adult that’s capable of functioning as a productive individual in society. Mistakes can happen, but you are generally able to limit their reach and provide a learning experience as a result—for both of you. If you’ve made a mistake, you might consider forgiving yourself and moving on.
How online therapy can help parents in need
Many parents can benefit from the extra support and guidance that may come from working with a licensed therapist. Developing healthy coping strategies to manage stress and building practical parenting skills to help overcome past mistakes can support parents moving forward in a healthy relationship with their children. Virtual therapy through online providers like BetterHelp can make it possible to fit treatment conveniently into your busy day, via flexible options like phone, video call or online chat appointments.
How therapy can help build parenting skills
Recent research indicates that online parenting interventions such as therapy can be a comparably effective, faster alternative to costly appointments in the traditional clinical setting. For many, this form of delivery may frequently be associated with reduced costs.
Takeaway
Making mistakes can be a normal part of raising children and the parenting experience. What you do afterward can affect how children navigate the world around them. The information in this article may help illustrate that while parenting fails may happen, you can use them as opportunities to learn and grow, so you become a better parent. If you’re considering online therapy for your support and needs, consider reaching out to BetterHelp’s online therapy service.
BetterHelp can connect you with an online therapist in your area of need.
What is a parenting fail?
When you think of a parenting fail you may think about the most epic fails that you have seen on the internet, such as when a daughter found her mom’s lipstick and used it to give her brother a makeover. Or maybe dad dressed daughter for daycare and she’s wearing two colors of socks. However, a parenting fail is not about a couple of pictures going viral on the internet, parents may feel experience failure many times while raising a child.
A parent fail is an incident where a parent makes a mistake during the course of raising a child. No matter how attentive of a parent you may be, mistakes will happen. Learning form mistakes and growing from them is an important part of becoming a better parent.
What are examples of ineffective parenting?
Ineffective parenting refers to approaches that may not lead to positive outcomes for children's well-being, development, and behavior. Here are three examples of ineffective parenting:
Authoritarian Parenting: Authoritarian parents may be overly strict and demanding, often imposing strict rules without room for negotiation or discussion. They may use punishments and discipline without explaining the reasons behind their decisions. This can lead to children feeling controlled, fearful, and lacking in autonomy. Such an approach may hinder children's ability to make decisions, express themselves, and develop critical thinking skills.
Permissive Parenting: Permissive parents tend to be overly lenient and indulgent, allowing children to make their own choices without clear boundaries or consequences. This can result in children lacking discipline and struggling to understand limits and responsibilities. Without consistent guidance, children may have difficulty understanding the consequences of their actions and may develop behavioral issues.
Neglectful Parenting: Neglectful parents are disengaged and fail to provide emotional, physical, and cognitive support to their children. This lack of involvement and attention can lead to children feeling unsupported, neglected, and emotionally disconnected. Neglectful parenting can have serious consequences on children's self-esteem, social skills, and overall development.
Parenting styles and approaches can vary based on cultural norms, personal beliefs, and individual circumstances. Effective parenting involves finding a balance between nurturing, setting boundaries, and promoting healthy development.
Am I emotionally neglecting my kids?
Determining whether you are emotionally neglecting your own children can be a complex process that involves self-reflection and consideration of your interactions and behaviors. Emotional neglect refers to not providing the emotional support, validation, and responsiveness that children need for healthy development. Here are some signs to consider and reflect upon:
- Lack of Emotional Connection: Do you find it challenging to connect emotionally with your children? Are you distant or detached from their feelings and experiences?
- Limited Quality Time: Are you frequently too busy or preoccupied to spend quality time with your children? Do you prioritize other activities over spending time with them?
- Ignoring Emotional Signals: Do you overlook your children's emotional cues or dismiss their feelings when they express them?
- Lack of Validation: Do you downplay or ignore your children's achievements, emotions, or concerns? Are you dismissive when they seek validation or support?
- Limited Affection and Warmth: Do you struggle to show affection, warmth, and physical touch to your children? Do you withhold hugs, kisses, and physical comfort?
If you are concerned that you might be emotionally neglecting your children, it's important to seek self-awareness and make positive changes. Engaging in open communication, actively listening to your children, spending quality time together, and seeking professional guidance if needed can all contribute to providing the emotional support and connection that children require for healthy development.
Why do I feel like I failed as a parent?
There are many reasons why an individual may feel like they have failed as a parent. A range of events such as trouble with potty training or struggling to have a baby fall asleep at a night can make a parent feel like a failure. Some parents may feel guilt or regret for mistakes that happened while raising a child, even if those mistakes happened years ago. It is also common for parents to set high expectations for themselves while simultaneously comparing themselves with others which may lead to feelings of failure when those expectations are not met.
How do you recover from parenting fail?
Recovering from a parenting "fail" involves acknowledging the situation, learning from it, and taking steps to improve. Here's a constructive approach to help you recover:
- Acknowledge and Accept: Recognize that making mistakes is a natural part of parenting. Accept that nobody is a perfect parent, and everyone has moments they wish they could handle differently.
- Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Understand that you're doing your best, and one mistake doesn't define your entire parenting journey.
- Reflect and Learn: Take time to reflect on what happened. What led to the situation? What could you have done differently? Learning from mistakes is a valuable way to grow.
- Apologize if Necessary: If your parenting mistake affected your child or others, apologize sincerely. This demonstrates humility and teaches your child about taking responsibility.
- Model Resilience: Show your child that everyone makes mistakes, and it's important to learn from them. Model resilience by handling setbacks positively.
- Seek Support: Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about your feelings. It may be beneficial to seek out an experienced family counselor as well. Discussing your experience can provide emotional relief and perspective.
What is considered a bad mother?
The concept of a "bad mother" is subjective and can vary depending on cultural, societal, and individual perspectives. It's important to avoid overly judgmental labels and instead recognize that parenting is complex and multifaceted. However, the term "bad mother" is sometimes used to describe behaviors or actions that are generally considered harmful or neglectful to a child's well-being.
What is negligent parenting style?
Negligent parenting, also known as uninvolved parenting, is a parenting style characterized by a lack of emotional involvement, responsiveness, and guidance in a child's life. Parents who exhibit a negligent parenting style often fail to meet their children's basic needs for emotional support, attention, and supervision. This style is generally considered to be one of the least effective and potentially harmful approaches to parenting. Some characteristics of negligent parenting include:
- Lack of Emotional Support: Negligent parents show little emotional warmth or engagement with their children. They may not provide the emotional support and validation that children need for healthy development.
- Limited Supervision: Parents may be physically present but fail to actively monitor and supervise their children's activities, leading to potential safety risks and lack of guidance.
- Neglect of Basic Needs: Negligent parents may not adequately provide for their children's basic needs such as food, clothing, shelter, and healthcare.
- Inconsistent Discipline: Discipline may be inconsistent or absent altogether. This can lead to confusion for children about appropriate behavior and boundaries.
- Unresponsiveness: Negligent parents may not respond to their children's emotional or physical needs, leaving children feeling ignored and unsupported.
- Minimal Communication: Limited communication between parents and children can lead to children feeling isolated and struggling to express themselves.
- Lack of Involvement in Education: Negligent parents may not be engaged in their children's education, leading to poor academic performance and lack of motivation. For example, if a kindergarten teacher pointed out a learning deficiency a negligent parent wouldn’t provide any support for their child.
What is an example of neglecting parenting?
Two types of neglectful parenting include physical neglect and emotional neglect. A parent who practices physical neglect might consistently leave their child unsupervised, even in situations that could be dangerous. For instance, they might frequently leave a young child alone at home without proper supervision, exposing the child to potential hazards. Additionally, they might not provide adequate clothing, nutritious meals, or getting medical care, impacting the child's physical health and well-being.
An example of emotional neglect could involve a parent who consistently dismisses their child's emotional needs and fails to provide emotional support. For instance, when the child is upset or distressed, the parent might respond with indifference or anger, discouraging the child from expressing their feelings. Over time, this lack of emotional validation can lead to the child feeling unsupported, anxious, and emotionally disconnected from their parent.
Is it normal to struggle as a parent?
It doesn’t matter if you are on your third kid or if you just welcomed your first, it is normal to struggle at times while parenting. Parenting is a complex and challenging role that comes with a wide range of emotions, uncertainties, and difficulties. Common struggles that parents have include maintaining self-care while parenting and balancing your needs with the needs of your child.
Another challenge aspect for veteran parents is that there may be individual differences between children in the same family. A new born baby boy may act differently than their brother which means that their experience and upbringing may be different from their brother’s parenting experience. This learning curve can present difficulties for parents.
Why do I find being a parent so hard?
While parenting can be very rewarding, it also may be difficult at times. Being a parent can be challenging for several reasons:
- Lack of Experience: If you're a new parent, you might be navigating unfamiliar territory. Lack of experience can lead to uncertainty and self-doubt.
- Constant Changes: Children grow and change rapidly, which means that parenting strategies that worked yesterday might not work today. This constant adaptation can be overwhelming.
- Unpredictability: Children are inherently unpredictable. Their needs, behaviors, and moods can change quickly, making it difficult to anticipate and respond effectively.
- Balancing Act: Balancing the responsibilities of parenting with other aspects of life, such as work, relationships, and personal interests, can be challenging.
- Lack of Sleep: Sleep deprivation is common among parents of young children, affecting mood, patience, and overall well-being.
- Emotional Investment: Parenting involves a deep emotional investment, which can lead to intense feelings of joy, worry, and vulnerability.
- High Expectations: Many parents have high expectations for themselves and want to provide the best for their children. When reality doesn't align with these expectations, it can be emotionally taxing.
- External Pressures: Societal and cultural pressures, along with well-meaning advice from others, can create additional stress and doubts.
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