Mind If We Talk Season 2: What It's Like to Be A Caregiver

Welcome to Episode 4 of Mind If We Talk? Season 2

Mind If We Talk? is an original mental health podcast created by BetterHelp and Acast Creative Studios that opens up real conversations about life’s challenging moments, and how therapy can help us navigate them. Over the course of 10 episodes, Season 2 brings two people together to share different perspectives on experiences that are deeply felt, yet rarely discussed. Through guided conversation, guests reflect on what they wish others understood about their inner world and what it means to truly listen and be seen. Each episode is hosted by Dr. Sreela Roy-Greene, a licensed BetterHelp therapist, who gently guides the conversation and offers therapeutic insight along the way.

Episode 4: I Wish You Knew… What It’s Like to Be a Caregiver

Caregiving can quietly reshape a family, shifting roles, responsibilities, and relationships in ways that are often hard to name. It can bring people closer, but it can also surface distance, guilt, and questions about what it really means to show up for someone you love.

On this episode of “Mind If We Talk?”, host and licensed mental health counselor Sreela Roy-Greene sits down with Chris Punsalan and his cousin Merz Esguerra. They reflect on their very different experiences caring for their grandmother: Chris was her full-time caregiver for eight years, while Merz describes taking more of a backseat during that time.

Their conversation opens up a deeper look at family roles, emotional labor, and the complicated mix of love, obligation, and regret that can come with caring for an aging loved one.

Then, in the second half of the episode, Sreela is joined by licensed therapist Hannah Heitz from BetterHelp. Together, they explore the emotional push and pull that caregivers experience, why it can be so challenging to ask for help, and how family roles and cultural expectations can shape who steps in -- and who steps back.

If you’ve ever cared for a loved one, watched someone else carry that weight, or felt the guilt of not doing more, this episode is for you.

A grandmother who was always there

CHRIS:

It’s this push and pull of understanding and having empathy for my grandmother knowing she didn’t ask to be taken care of in that way. But then also being selfish and saying, what about me? What about my life? I am in my early 20s having to do this, or having this responsibility on my plate. What about me? So it’s feeling both and not really knowing how to handle both.

SREELA:

Welcome back to ‘Mind If We Talk?’, where you get to be a fly on the wall for mini therapy sessions, and learn some mental health tips in the process.

I’m Sreela Roy-Greene, a licensed mental health counselor with over 19 years of experience, and your host for Season Two.

This season we’re bringing people together who see the world a little differently… and who want to understand one another better.

Every episode I sit down with two people who’ve agreed to have a real, vulnerable conversation. Together, we explore the thorny emotions and topics they may have turned away from in the past. After each mini therapy session, I’ll sit down with an expert to break down what we heard and how you might apply it to your own life.

Today’s topic is something deeply personal, widely experienced, and rarely discussed… we’re talking about caregiving.

I sit down with Chris Punsalan and his cousin Merz Esguerra. Together, we explore their very different roles in caring for their grandmother, Anica Manipon, who lived with dementia, severe arthritis, and osteoporosis before passing away at the age of 97 in 2024.

“What happens when the person who once cared for you becomes the one who needs help?”

For eight years, Chris was his grandmother’s full-time caregiver, carrying the daily physical and emotional weight of her care. Throughout that time, he shared his journey online, building a remarkable Instagram following by offering an unfiltered look into his day-to-day life. By contrast, Merz -- by his own admission -- remained largely on the sidelines for much of that period.

Together, the cousins reflect on their differing experiences and explore the sacrifices of caregiving, including unspoken family expectations and the resentment and regret that can arise. Plus, they discuss what this experience ultimately taught them about responsibility, family, and love.

Let’s get into it.

SREELA:

So I think my first question to you today is: before your grandmother became somebody that you cared for, who was your grandmother to you?

MERZ:

She was like any other grandma. I remember she’d always have candy in her purse. She was that type of grandma that was always caring for us. She would take care of me when our parents would go to work. So she was always around, taking care of us. And back in her day, she was a teacher, so she always loved to just help me with my homework.

SREELA:

She was such a presence in your lives. A consistent presence. And it’s so hard when that shifts for us -- where the person who’s consistently the caretaker for us suddenly is the one that needs care. For you, Chris, you became your grandmother’s full-time caretaker at a relatively young age. Can you take us back to that moment in time where that became your reality, and what that felt like for you?

CHRIS:

My grandmother woke up one day and was no longer able to get out of bed. It was like a light switch went off. My parents and I had to make a decision whether we were going to hire a full-time caregiver or find a facility for my grandmother to stay in. I just always remembered my grandmother having difficulty with her mobility, so I knew subconsciously that she was going to need more help as she aged. We made the decision that I was going to become her full-time caregiver. I remember feeling a heavy sense of responsibility knowing that I was going to have to be around probably until she passed away. It was a very heavy decision.

SREELA:

What would a typical day kind of consist of for you?

CHRIS:

Every day we’d wake up at 6, 6:30 and I would go straight to my grandmother’s room, help her get out of bed, help her use the restroom. We would do a towel bath and I would then clean her up and get her situated, put her diapers on, and get her transferred to the wheelchair. Then we’d have breakfast and hang out until about 9, 9:30. After her digesting and hanging out with the rest of the family, I’d help her go back into her bed. And we would repeat that at 12:00 PM and then again at 5:00 PM. That was our consistent routine for the next eight years.

The weight of being the one who stayed

SREELA:

Wow. It takes a really amazing human being to do all of that every single day for so long. Merz, as someone who is close to Chris and who also saw this incredible presence in their life, how does it feel for you to be listening to Chris talking about this now?

MERZ:

To be honest, I was actually oblivious to this whole beginning. I wasn’t really around the family as much. I had no idea that he was taking care of grandma like that until he was already in the thick of it. I remember grandma declining and then next thing I know, when I moved back into my parents’ house, she’s in a wheelchair and Chris is the full-time caregiver. It just felt like this was normal in our family to take care of our elders. Shouts to him, ‘cause he’s the one that really took on the task to do what he did for grandma. No one else did. We helped, but he was the main one.

SREELA:

Do you feel like culture played a role in the decisions around being a caregiver and how your family adapted?

CHRIS:

One hundred percent. Culture is the reason. It is my makeup. It is what makes me who I am and the way that I view the world. Because of the example that I saw in my parents and how they cared for their elders, it was natural for me to step up. I didn’t even use the word caretaker or caregiver at the time my grandmother needed help. It was just “grandma needs help, we’re gonna step up and do this.”

MERZ:

Our grandparents were always around. They would live with my parents. I don’t know any grandparents -- even our cousins’ grandparents -- that went to a facility. It was always taken care of at the house. That’s why it felt so normal when grandma started needing care.

SREELA:

We don’t realize sometimes how much of an impact our culture plays on us until we’re living it. And that moment comes and we go, well, yeah, of course. Why wouldn’t I? Oftentimes it’s not an explicit conversation. It just kind of becomes this very organic experience for the person who ends up being the caregiver. Do you feel like it was a very explicit conversation, or something that evolved and happened?

CHRIS:

My immediate family -- me and my parents -- had a very intentional conversation about what our life was going to look like now that grandma needed more around-the-clock care. As far as having that conversation with other family members, that was more of a gradual thing. Maybe a year or two in, we were like, we kind of need some help on Saturdays and Sundays. But we try and take on all the responsibility ourselves because we don’t want to burden other people. It almost feels like it’s ours to carry and not anybody else’s.

“We don’t want to burden other people. It almost feels like it’s ours to carry and not anybody else’s.”

SREELA:

I think you just hit the nail on the head with what it really means sometimes for people to be the primary caregiver: “I don’t want to burden others.” And so many people carry that as primary caregivers within their families. Was that the experience for you?

CHRIS:

I had so much resentment build up during my caregiving journey. But what makes that ironic is that during the time of me being a full-time caregiver, I never sought help from other family members. There was also a part of it that was me thinking that nobody else could do what I did at the level that I did. It’s this weird push and pull internally -- you resent family members for not stepping in and helping, but then you also feel like nobody can do it the way you’re doing it. So it’s almost like you want to be helped, but you don’t want to be helped. But how are you going to be helped if you’re not asking for help?

MERZ:

I was like the guy that, hey, I got my own life to do, I got these responsibilities to handle. At the time I was coaching hoops, so I was not really at home a lot. I remember sometimes where he called me and I would say, yes, I can come over -- and then I would say, nah, I can’t make it. It wasn’t one of those things I would just jump up and go. Seeing him do it, I just felt like everything was in good hands. Like there’s a true reason why he was the caregiver, because there was no way that I could have done what he did.

CHRIS:

In the moment, I never thought, “man, I’m doing this so great, I don’t need help.” I think all I was thinking was, man, it would be really nice for somebody to come and bear this responsibility with me.

SREELA:

As you’re listening to Chris talk about this journey -- the resentment, those feelings of isolation -- what are your feelings now, Merz? How does that make you view Chris, or what are your thoughts?

MERZ:

A lot of these feelings I got towards the end of my grandmother’s life. And I could have done a lot more. I think that’s one of the hardest things for me to swallow. I did the bare minimum that you could help somebody. When I really started seeing everything that was going on -- because I wasn’t at his house, I didn’t see a lot of that stuff until he started posting it online, just like everyone else saw it -- that kind of lit a fire in me. Man, I could do a lot more. I should have. When grandma passed, when he called to tell me, the first thing I told him was, you’re the GOAT. You’re the greatest of all time. There’s no way I could see anyone else doing it the way that he did.

The emotional cost people don’t talk about

SREELA:

People often see caregiving as an act of love, but they don’t always know the cost. It’s all-consuming -- emotional, physical, logistical, financial, all of it. What are some of the pieces of caretaking that you think are the hardest that people don’t always recognize?

CHRIS:

I think the emotional part was the hardest that I wrestled with. I love my grandmother so much and I want her to be clean, safe, and comfortable at all times. And sometimes that comes at the cost of my own mental wellbeing. I can’t live the life that I envisioned living because I have to live a different life. I can’t go hang out with Merz and the rest of my cousins. I can’t go take these opportunities that are calling me. I can’t build the relationships, I can’t have an intimate relationship with somebody right now because I just don’t have the mental capacity.

CHRIS:

A lot of the emotional weight came from blaming my grandmother for putting me, quote unquote, in this position. But that wasn’t the case at all. My grandmother never asked to be taken care of in that way. I don’t think anybody would prefer to be cared for the way that my grandmother was cared for. And it’s this push and pull of understanding and having empathy for my grandmother, knowing she didn’t ask to be taken care of in that way -- but then also being selfish and saying, what about me? What about my life? I am in my early twenties having this responsibility on my plate. So it’s feeling both and not really knowing how to handle both.

“It’s feeling both and not really knowing how to handle both.”

SREELA:

Making sure you’re still true to yourself while living a reality that’s true for others so that their needs get met -- that’s really hard. And I don’t think people realize that when they are observing a caretaker or living that life as the caregiver. It’s almost like you’re putting yourself on pause or on hold. There’s such a disconnect there.

CHRIS:

And it’s not something that I had clarity on until many, many years later in my caregiving journey. The videos that I was able to create with my grandmother actually helped me so much because I was able to hear the perspective of many other caregivers. Before the first video that I ever posted online, I felt like I was the only person on planet earth that was doing what I was doing. When I started hearing all of these different perspectives -- “yeah, I take care of my mother” or “I take care of my father-in-law” -- I started to realize that no, first of all, I’m not alone. And second, there are so many opportunities within caregiving. The opportunity of spending time with my grandmother. The opportunity of learning this invaluable skill of having to make do with what is in front of you. It wasn’t until the last couple of years that I was like, wait, there’s actually so much opportunity within caregiving that I was just taking for granted.

Finding purpose in the hardest chapter

SREELA:

What a feeling of isolation. How dark it must have felt at times for you to be in that space, and then being able to say, oh, I see a little bit of light over here. Wait, let me go towards it. And then you saw nothing but opportunity for growth, learning, and helping others. It sounds like you almost found your purpose through that.

CHRIS:

I vividly remember when we came back from a vacation and I went to go help my grandmother with the normal routine. I was helping her out at 6:30 in the morning. I swiveled her out of bed, and in that moment I was like, wow, this is so effortless for me to just be able to step back into this role. Like nothing happened. And it was at that moment that I found my purpose. Which sounds like it makes me laugh because it doesn’t sound like a real thing that people just find one day. But that was truly the moment that I was like, this feels very meaningful to me. That I am taking on this responsibility and helping my grandmother live out the most comfortable and amazing last chapter that I could help her live.

SREELA:

It’s really a beautiful way of looking at it. As you’re reflecting on these years that you spent caring for your grandmother -- lessons, perspectives -- what resonates with you the most as you think back?

CHRIS:

My grandmother’s gratitude is a lesson that she taught me without ever teaching me. It was in the way that she lived her life. She was the most grateful person that I ever knew. She lost all of her mobility, wasn’t able to do things for herself -- and yet she still found time to be grateful. She said thank you after every little thing that we would do for her. She’d be thankful that she was still in her home, thankful that she had water. And it’s something that I try so hard to practice now because if I don’t take the time to practice gratitude, that is when my life becomes harder. I start to think about what I don’t have, what I lack. And I lose sight of what’s actually in front of me.

MERZ:

Even when her memory got bad, she never forgot to pray. One of the routines was to give her her rosary after she took her bath, she ate, and you put her into her bed, and she would literally pray for hours. That’s one thing that I’ll never forget about grandma -- her little prayer books, all her rosaries. She was a praying woman, man.

SREELA:

The intersection between having faith and gratitude -- right there in that perfect little balance. There’s such a beauty in that. What are some words of wisdom you can share with somebody who might be struggling with caregiving right now, or feeling very alone in that process?

CHRIS:

One unlock for me has been this: caregiving was most difficult when I would think about myself and what it was taking from me. And it was easier when I would think less about myself and more about what am I bringing to the table? What am I giving to my grandmother that she couldn’t give herself? I found in those moments -- although it didn’t remove the responsibility -- when I was thinking about my grandmother and the fact that she didn’t ask for this, and the fact that I am providing the best last chapter she could possibly live because of my sacrifices, because of the actions I’m doing every single day -- that is when caregiving was the most meaningful and the most purposeful. I would love for every caregiver to try and lean on that as much as possible.

MERZ:

The best advice I can give is: if you can, ask for help. Don’t be too shy about it or feel like you’re going to burden other people. Ask for help. Even if it’s just for an hour -- to help get someone from one place to another, or go pick up prescriptions. It’ll help you out in the long run when you’re able to release some of that to someone else so you can get a breather. Take care of yourself.

SREELA:

Eventually, all of us are going to get to a point where we’re going to have to care for somebody that we care about. Having gone through that -- and watching them go through that change in their life and your role changing -- what have you learned about love in that process?

CHRIS:

I have found and realized that love should not be dependent on how you feel. Love is an action and love is what you do for somebody, whether it’s reciprocated or not. I love this quote by C.S. Lewis: “Love is never wasted because love was never based on reciprocity.” I think about this quote all the time. If it was based on reciprocity, I would’ve stopped day one from caregiving, because my grandmother wasn’t able to technically do anything for me. But it was never based on that. It was based on: I love my grandmother and I’m going to do this, whether she can do something for me or not.

“Love is never wasted because love was never based on reciprocity.” -- C.S. Lewis

SREELA:

Even just watching your interaction today shows the love that the two of you share with each other as family members. It’s a choice, it’s an action. And Merz, I’ve heard you say so much today -- “I wasn’t in it like him.” But the reality is, you’re here now, and you did help back then in the ways that you could. Sometimes we’re left with guilt, this feeling of “I could have done more.” And the reality is, you did the best you could then. You’re here now and supporting so many other people and making that difference. And that is love. This is a choice that you’re both making.

Understanding the push and pull with a therapist

SREELA:

Chris and Merz speak openly about something that often goes unspoken in families -- the weight of caregiving, the expectations we carry, and the emotions that can live side by side: love, resentment, pride, and regret. To help me break down their conversation, I sat down with Hannah Heitz, a licensed therapist with BetterHelp. We talked about the emotional push and pull that caregivers experience, why it can be so challenging to ask for help, and how family roles and cultural expectations can often shape who steps in, and who steps back.

We also answered a couple of listener questions on this topic. Remember, if you want to write in to our show, check out BetterHelp’s Instagram stories for the latest prompt! You may hear your question in a future episode.

Alright, let’s get to talking.

SREELA:

Hannah, thank you so much for being here today. Chris described this push and pull -- wanting to get help, but also feeling like no one else could do it. From a mental health perspective, where do you think that tension comes from?

HANNAH:

In situations of caregiving, especially when it’s something we’ve been launched into unexpectedly, this desire to seek certainty, some control -- it can be really compelling. We want to feel like we have some control over a situation that’s so uncertain. This sense of needing to do it just right is one way we can feel a bit more in control. We can say, “Well, if I’m doing it, I know how it’s being done.” The hidden cost of that is our own wellbeing, and then leading to burnout. The more we feel like no one else can do it, the more we do it, the more exhausted we become -- more isolated, more resentful.

SREELA:

How do you think feelings like guilt and resentment can coexist in a caregiver?

HANNAH:

I think, just to normalize -- how can they not? Those are such common emotions. And I think what causes us so much pain when we’re in a role of caregiving is kind of doubling down and saying, “I feel guilt and resentment, and then I’m judging myself for feeling guilt and resentment.”

SREELA:

What do you think happens when we don’t acknowledge or validate those feelings?

HANNAH:

I think of emotions as almost like a pressure cooker or an instant pot. If we’re not slowly releasing the valve and letting some steam out, the thing’s going to explode. If we’re not acknowledging those feelings, they’re going to pop up in ways that are far less helpful and may negatively impact us or the people we love. So thinking about how do we release that valve -- maybe it’s having the opportunity to talk with someone who gets it. Or getting a break of some kind. Maybe a family member steps in, and maybe they can’t do the caregiving as well as you can, but maybe they can bring over a meal. Small acts can make a big difference.

SREELA:

When caregivers struggle to ask for help, what are some ways of breaking that cycle?

HANNAH:

I think equally important is how do we accept help, not just how do we ask for it. Accepting help for a lot of us can be really challenging. We might feel overwhelmed, or feel guilty for accepting help. And if we’re overwhelmed and stressed, our ability to think and identify what we need is pretty limited. It’s hard to say, “I need someone to do X, Y, and Z.” So if someone just shows up with a food delivery gift card, or a meal, or to stop in and give you an hour to go for a walk -- all of those things make a difference.

“For some people, caregiving is easier than actually asking for help.”

SREELA:

How can prolonged caregiving impact a person’s sense of self and identity, especially at a young age like Chris?

HANNAH:

I like to think of our identities as living in different buckets. When we put all of ourselves into one bucket of being a caregiver -- instead of being a friend, being a partner, whatever it might be -- it’s risky. We’re sacrificing the complexity of who we can be and how we can give ourselves value. Figuring out what it looks like to keep living life outside of caregiving is so important.

SREELA:

Do you think that a sense of purpose could be cultivated out of being a caregiver for some people?

HANNAH:

I absolutely think so. Our ability to make meaning out of hard experiences is one of the coolest things about being human. In the context of caregiving it’s such a powerful tool. To be able to make meaning out of something that’s arguably really challenging, and find a sense of purpose in showing up in this very relational way with someone we care about -- absolutely. I think it becomes hard when it’s your sole purpose.

SREELA:

I love that caveat. What are some actionable, tangible strategies you could suggest to caretakers around how they take care of themselves?

HANNAH:

First, being able to figure out what it is that you need. Everyone’s version of that looks different. For some people it might be a 30-minute walk in nature, or an hour with a friend once a week. Figuring out what are the things that you absolutely need to show up for yourself. Because if we’re not showing up for ourselves and taking care of ourselves, there’s no way we can show up for someone else.

Listener questions: isolation, guilt, and asking for help

SREELA:

We have a couple of listener questions. First: is it selfish to long for my old life before caregiving became my reality?

HANNAH:

No. Absolutely not selfish. It ties into so many of the themes we’ve talked about today. Any of the feelings that come up are okay. There’s nothing wrong with them. There’s grief, there’s FOMO -- all the feelings that come with what our life used to look like versus what it looks like now.

SREELA:

I agree a hundred percent. I don’t think that’s selfish at all -- it speaks to a sense of self that wants acknowledgement and recognition. Wanting to miss and grieve the life we once had is not selfish. Our second listener question: I can handle a lot, but not everything. How do I ask for support as a caregiver when it feels hardest?

HANNAH:

My initial thoughts are that before we get to that hardest place, be able to identify signals -- and let people who are around you know. “Hey, if you notice that I’m looking really sleep deprived, or getting a bit snappy, or if you’re not hearing from me -- check in.” Right before we get to that point, not when we’re already underwater. If we can help people know the signals before we get there, I think that is ideal.

SREELA:

Knowing your warning signs before you hit the breaking point. I also love the idea of a code word -- something silly but memorable, within your family or friend circle -- to signal “I am struggling to ask for help right now, but I need you to push in.” And checking in with yourself every day. Make note of what makes it a bad day, what makes it a good day. Pay attention to those things before you let them overburden you.

HANNAH:

And for this listener who’s in their hardest moment right now -- take a minute to take care of yourself. Maybe that literally looks like a couple of deep breaths. Or giving yourself a hug. Something soothing. Something that will regulate you even just for a couple of minutes. That helps us get online to be able to use these tools that maybe are in our back pocket, but we literally cannot access because we’re so overwhelmed.

SREELA:

I really appreciate you taking the time today to join me and have this incredible conversation. Thank you again for being here.

HANNAH:

Thank you so much for having me. It’s such a privilege and a pleasure, and I appreciate it for all the wonderful guests sharing their story and for welcoming me into this space.

SREELA:

I want to give a big thank you to Betterhelp for their passion for this project, and for giving us a platform to champion the well-being in all of us. Mind If We Talk is produced by Acast Creative Studios in collaboration with BetterHelp, and hosted by me, Sreela Roy Greene. If you like what you just heard, drop us a review in Spotify or Apple Podcasts, and share the episode with your friends! Maybe one of our topics will help someone in your life. And remember, your happiness matters.

Mind If We Talk is intended for entertainment and education, not for mental health diagnosis or medical advice.