Exploring When You Feel Love Does Not Exist

Have you experienced disappointment in love and wondered if it really exists in the world? If so, you’re not alone. According to one study, which involved 1295 men and women of various ages between 18 and 35, more than 35% of 18- to 35-year-olds experienced at least one breakup over a 20-month time period. Sometimes disappointment after experiencing the same things through different relationships or breakups can lead people to question whether love exists and whether it’s possible to dig deeper with someone without getting hurt.

If you realize you are worried about the existence of healthy, romantic love, it may help to take a look at your past short- or long-term relationships with partners. You may also benefit from looking at love in the rest of your relationships, including non-romantic connections with family, friends, or your children. If in those past relationships you experienced jealousy, competition, anger, or maltreatment, it may seem challenging to genuinely believe that love exists or to learn to trust again. However, evaluating your perspective and your relationships, you may be able to rekindle your belief not only in love but also in the possibility of connecting with a partner or friend on a deeper level.

Looking at alternatives

Some people may discover that they do believe in love but not in a traditional idea of love. Some are living outside the bounds of conventional romantic relationships and focusing on the pursuit of absorbing real-life experiences in ways that are less consistent with standard norms. 

For example, some people fall in love with more than one person. The pros and cons of this choice can be varied and may require special considerations and total honesty. For some people, structuring their relationships in a way that balances their desire for different types of connection can allow for total transparency. This may set the stage for solid connections that matter more to them. 

When you think love does not exist

Finding a man, woman, or person of any gender who truly supports you can be one of the most satisfying aspects of a healthy relationship. A special and worthwhile partnership may develop when this person’s feelings and presence inspire you to pursue your innate calling. As a result of this type of partnership, you may feel energized and activated to do more in life, take on new challenges, and pursue your dreams. 

If you are unsure of all the reasons behind your passions and preferences, you might consider opening up to those in your life to recognize what interests and motivates you. You might ask yourself what elements of your relationships with others most benefit your well-being. You may also want to think about what parts of relationships make you feel energized or refreshed. Being open to new activities and experiences that can enrich your life and make you feel comfortable with yourself may be an effective path to self-discovery.

Connect with yourself first

Some people may have trouble expressing their emotions or showing physical affection, which can lead them to guess what to do during relationship challenges. Others have experienced trauma or been given negative messages that have left them out of touch with their feelings. In this case, they might need to take some time to become aware of how they feel so that they can respond to their partner authentically. Spending time connecting with oneself can help a person be fully present in a relationship.

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

The experience of intrinsic love

To find someone to “fall in love with” or to find “true love” is sometimes seen as a human being’s primary goal in our culture, yet more and more people report feeling isolated or lonely. They might feel a lack of authenticity and depth in their relationships. 

Love is commonly depicted as a brilliant chemical reaction that produces feelings of happiness, joy, and passion. Just the word “love” can bring about expectations of something almost mythological and unrealistic. In reality, when medical, financial, or personal challenges occur, some people may feel that love isn’t always present to support them through it. They might seek a more profound love with aspects of selflessness, mutual concern, deep respect, recognition, and appreciation. 

This sort of “true love” may include fun, happy, and joyful experiences but also carry people through hardship and challenging times.

Within this theoretical framework, love is not supposed to be discovered in the experience with another person; it was already a pre-existing feeling in the individual. It was then able to grow and flourish with the other person. It supports what already exists, and the relationship simply allows it an avenue for expression. 

Of course, if this love cannot find a partner or person who can be an equal exchange agent, it may need to find expression through creative endeavors or work. However, this doesn’t mean that love does not exist.

Talk to a counselor about real love

Some relationship experts posit that real love stems from self-love first. Having faith in yourself and finding ways to express inner, intrinsic love can be challenging, yet rewarding. Sometimes, talking to others along the way can help us find our direction and lead us to real love. If you have questions about your emotions, sex, or about finding real love, you may benefit from talking to a licensed therapist with experience in this area. 

If you don’t want to visit a therapist’s office, you might consider online therapy, which studies have shown to be as effective as in-office therapy. With BetterHelp, you can speak with a therapist via phone or video chat from home or anywhere with an internet connection. You can also send them any questions or concerns via in-app messaging, and they’ll get back to you as soon as they can.