The Dos And Don’ts Of Getting Back Together With Your Ex
"I feel like I want to get back with an ex, is it the right thing to do?" Getting back together with an ex may be more common than you think. One study found that 60% of young adults surveyed had experienced a relationship that ended and restarted at least once. If you’re considering returning to a past relationship, you may wish to give your ex time and space and to communicate openly and honestly. It may be best to avoid rushing things and expecting everything to be the same as in your past relationship. If you would like expert input on whether getting together is positive for your mental health, online therapy may be a beneficial tool for you.
Reasons people reunite with their exes
The reason you’re interested in getting back together with the same person you dated before can provide some insight into whether it’s a good idea. If you want to rekindle things simply because you’re afraid of being alone or worry that you’ll struggle to find a new partner, for instance, you may want to give it a second thought. Being in an unfulfilling or unhealthy relationship because you miss the other person’s company or you fear loneliness and the unknown may be a sign you need to get more comfortable with your own company and explore new opportunities in your life.
It can also be important to note that relationships with significant toxic elements, red flags, or even abusive patterns are generally unsafe to reenter, even if you believe that feelings of love or affection remain. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
If your relationship with your ex was safe and had more positives than negatives, getting back together could be a feasible option. To help you decide if that’s what’s best for you, you might take a critical, honest look at why your relationship ended and evaluate if "do exes come back" in your specific scenario. For example:
- Did you break up over something that looks trivial in hindsight, or have the major issues been resolved?
- Have you both learned and grown since then, so you’re less at risk of running into the same roadblocks?
- Do you think the relationship with this person still has the potential to give you both what you want?
- Do you believe your partner is in the same place mentally and emotionally about starting a new chapter and giving things another try?
There’s no clear-cut ruling on whether getting back together with an old flame is the right move after a relationship ends. It’s generally important to be honest with yourself about why you want to in the first place. It can be helpful to do your best to separate emotion from the facts of the situation. Depictions of romance in pop culture can mislead us into thinking that getting back together is always the best option. Try to see the former romantic connection for what it truly was so that you can avoid the common tendency to idealize the past.
One study suggests that couples in cyclical (or “on again, off again”) relationships often show a pattern of negative outcomes. The research found that these couples tend to be more impulsive about major relationship transitions and less satisfied with their partners. They also tend to have poorer communication, lower self-esteem, and higher uncertainty about their future together. Every couple can have a different story, but it's important to take responsibility for your part in the relationship's history.
Dos and don’ts
If you’ve decided that getting back together with your ex is what you truly want and is best for you, it can still be wise to proceed with caution. You might choose to take things one step at a time and consider the following tips to increase the chances of a successful relationship.
Do: Give your ex time and space
A breakup can be an exhausting and damaging event, and people often process things like this at different speeds. Some people may process the situation in a few months, while others may take more time or less time. Even if you feel ready to have a rekindled love with your ex, the same may not be true for them. It’s generally important to think about your own needs and reassess what a healthy relationship means to you. You may also want to consider what you’d like to be different this time around, and—most importantly—why and if you want to get back together. It may not be possible to reunite with your ex unless they’re on the same page, so giving them (and yourself) time and space to process the breakup and think about the future can be key.
Do: Communicate openly and honestly
- The main issue(s) that caused you to break up and how to resolve them if you haven’t already
- Pain points either of you held about the relationship previously, and how to handle them moving forward
- Both of your expectations about the future of the relationship
Communicating honestly can be a key aspect of getting back with an ex. However, it can be difficult and sometimes painful, especially for couples who had communication problems in their previous relationship. Since some research has found that communication can be one of the most common reasons couples separate, failing to get it right early on can have significant implications for the future of your relationship.
If you feel you and your partner may need guidance in improving your communication skills, a licensed marriage counselor or family therapist may be able to help. Relationship experts may be able to assist you in identifying unhealthy patterns or old habits and working to change them. They might also provide tools and strategies you can use to talk openly with your partner, listen to them, and decide whether a second chance makes sense.
Don’t: Rush things
Being apart or being in conflict can feel uncomfortable. It might make you interested in getting back together as soon as possible so things can go “back to normal.” However, you may need to recognize that you and your partner likely broke up for a reason. Rushing back into your relationship before you’ve taken the time to heal and rebuild can set you up for trouble because you might end up reverting to the same patterns that were unhealthy or unsatisfactory (i.e., the ones that led to your breakup in the first place). As a result, you may even feel more hurt if it doesn’t work out a second time.
If some elements of your dynamic need to change for you both to feel safe and happy, that likely won’t happen overnight. Adjusting how you interact with your partner can take time, especially if the old patterns were the norm for years. If there were any hurtful words or actions exchanged before or during the breakup, one or both parties may also need time to heal from those—a process that generally can’t be rushed. Individuals might approach breakups differently and think about what matters to them in new relationships. For this reason, one of the most important qualities for you both to have if you reenter your relationship is patience and commitment.
Don't: Expect things to be the same right away (or ever)
One aspect of getting back together with an ex-partner that may feel exciting is the notion that things can finally go back to the way they were. This outlook may be both unrealistic and risky. First, as we’ve discussed, going back to the way your relationship was may not be in either of your best interests since you’ve likely broken up for a specific reason.
Second, things may have changed while you were apart. Depending on how long a break you’ve had, one or both of you may have dated other people, changed and grown, developed new interests, or realized something about who you are or what you want from a relationship. Other changes might include new perspectives on sex, personal growth, or different life goals.
It's typically important to make space for what's different now, instead of holding onto what you want to be the same and looking at your past relationship through rose-colored glasses. Over time, embracing a new version of your relationship as friends may be possible. Most people and relationships are constantly evolving, so hoping or expecting things to return to normal might set you up for a world of disappointment.
Online therapy for relationship counseling
Rekindling a relationship that ended at least once before can be an intimidating task. There are often many elements and emotions to take into consideration, and the danger of falling back into old, unhealthy patterns may be present. If you’re feeling overwhelmed about the decision of whether to get back together with your ex or how to do so once you’ve agreed on it, speaking with a therapist can help. You may prefer online therapy to traditional face-to-face therapy as it can enable you to attend sessions from home at a time that works for you.
One study showed that couples who participated in an online therapy program reported higher relationship satisfaction and relationship confidence. Whether you seek therapy individually or with your partner, you may be able to gain some important insights about your relationship by talking with a neutral person.
Takeaway
According to relationship experts, the decision to get back with an ex is complex and depends on several factors, including the nature and quality of the previous relationship.
Experts highlight that relationship patterns are crucial as they can significantly affect the trajectory of relationships moving forward. Understanding these patterns can provide insight into whether rekindling the relationship is a healthy choice.
One concept that experts often discuss is "relationship churning," which refers to couples repeatedly breaking up and reuniting. This pattern can be problematic as it may indicate unresolved issues, instability, or a cycle of unhealthy behaviors within the relationship. Continuously cycling through breakups and reconciliations can lead to emotional turmoil and hinder personal growth.
However, the scenario can be different for reconciled married couples. Studies have shown that some couples who give their marriage a second chance often remain in a relationship. This success can be attributed to various factors, such as a deeper commitment, better understanding of each other, or effective resolution of the issues that led to the initial breakup. A new foundation can give couples a fresh start to create a stronger, healthier relationship.
Whether reuniting with an ex is a good idea depends on the specific circumstances. Key considerations include the reasons for the original breakup, whether both parties have grown or changed since then, and if previous issues can be effectively addressed and resolved. It's essential for individuals to critically assess their motives for wanting to reunite and to ensure that any decision to give the relationship a second chance is based on healthy, forward-looking reasons rather than comfort, fear of being alone, or unresolved emotional attachments.
Getting back with your ex can work if both parties are committed to creating a new, healthy relationship and have effectively addressed the issues that led to the initial breakup. However, experts caution against using this as an easy fix for relationship problems. Instead, individuals should reflect on the relationship and determine if reuniting is truly in their best interest.
Reconciliation with an ex can also be complicated by lingering hurt, resentment, or mistrust. These emotions can significantly impact communication and trust within the relationship, making it challenging to move forward. Addressing these emotions through open and honest communication before attempting to reunite is essential.
Another crucial aspect is whether both parties have grown and changed since the initial breakup. If one or both individuals are still displaying unhealthy behaviors or patterns, it may be best to stay apart for the sake of personal growth and to avoid potential harm in a renewed relationship. If your partner cannot take responsibility for their actions or is unwilling to work on themselves, it may be a sign that reuniting is not the best idea.
While getting back with an ex can result in a successful relationship, it is not a guarantee. Both parties must put in the effort to rebuild trust, address issues, and create new healthy relationship patterns for it to work.
Deciding whether to forgive your ex and reunite is a significant decision that requires careful consideration. Be sure not to approach this situation with "rose-colored glasses," meaning don't overlook or romanticize the past issues of the relationship.
Idealizing what you had or ignoring the problems that led to the breakup can lead you to end up in the same place, repeating the same patterns and facing the same issues.
Here are some important factors to consider:
- Understanding the breakup: Reflecting on the reasons behind the breakup can provide insight into whether reconciliation is a healthy choice. Were there fundamental differences, trust issues, or incompatible life goals? Understanding why the relationship ended is key to determining whether these issues can be resolved.
- Communication: Open and honest communication is crucial. Talking about the issues that led to the breakup can help both of you address them moving forward.
- Forgiveness: Forgiveness is important, but it should be genuine. Ensure you’re forgiving for the right reasons and not just to re-enter the relationship.
- Future goals and compatibility: Take a hard look at your desired future and whether it aligns with your ex's. Those differences will likely remain if you had fundamental differences in the past.
- Consulting a therapist: Seeking professional guidance can help you navigate the complexities of reuniting with an ex. A family therapist can help you identify and address underlying issues and provide tools to build a healthy relationship moving forward.
Rekindling a relationship should be based on a realistic understanding of the past relationship and a clear vision of what the future relationship could be. Without addressing the root causes of the initial problems, there's a high chance of repeating the same cycle.
Exes often consider reuniting due to many emotional and practical reasons. The comfort and familiarity of old habits formed during an intimate relationship can be hard to break. The uncertainties of new relationships or sex with new partners may motivate individuals to reunite. The challenges of being single can also be a significant factor in wanting to reunite.
Many people miss the life they had with their ex, including the routines, experiences, and support systems they built in their relationship. Sometimes, the sense of loss and nostalgia can overshadow the reasons that led to the breakup.
In some cases, the time spent apart can lead to personal growth and reflection, leading exes to realize that they might be better suited for each other now or that the issues that led to their breakup are resolvable. Unresolved feelings and emotional connections can also play a significant role, as love and attachment to an ex might not disappear instantly, prompting a reconsideration of the breakup.
While these factors can reunite a couple, broken trust and negative dynamics in the relationship can be challenging to overcome. Both parties should have an honest and realistic view of why they want to reunite and if it is genuinely in their best interest.
Getting back with an ex can be a healthy and positive decision when both parties have addressed the root issues that led to the initial breakup. It can also be a good idea if:
- There is still love and respect: If both individuals had a strong foundation of love and respect in their previous relationship, it could serve as a solid basis for reconciliation.
- The relationship ended due to external factors: Sometimes, outside circumstances, such as long-distance, family pressure, or work commitments, can lead to a breakup. If these factors are no longer present or have been resolved, it may be worth considering reuniting.
- There has been significant personal growth: If both individuals have taken the time apart to reflect and grow as individuals, they may come reunite with a better understanding of themselves and what they want in a relationship.
- You have addressed and resolved past issues: If both parties have actively worked on resolving the problems that led to the breakup, it can be a positive sign for a healthy future relationship.
Sometimes, the relationship can be even better than it was before if both individuals are willing to put in the effort and have a clear understanding of their boundaries, expectations, and potential challenges. In such cases, reuniting can lead to a stronger, more mature, and fulfilling relationship.
Love can feel like it never fades, even after years apart. The deep emotional connection and memories shared with a former partner can stay with you for a long time, leading to feelings of love that may resurface later in life.
It is not uncommon for individuals to reconnect with an ex after many years apart, especially if they were each other's first love or had a significant impact on their lives. However, it is essential to approach such situations with caution and consider whether reuniting is genuinely the best decision for both parties.
If you are experiencing strong feelings of love for an ex after years apart, it could be because they represent a time in your life when you felt happy, understood, and loved. It may not necessarily mean that you want to reunite romanticly but rather that you miss the connection and companionship you once shared. It is important to take the time to understand these feelings and determine if they are rooted in genuine love or just a longing for the past.
Time apart can be painful, especially if there are unresolved feelings and unfinished business between exes. However, it can also be an opportunity for growth, reflection, and healing.
Taking a break from a relationship can give both parties the space to work on themselves individually and address any personal issues that may have contributed to the problems in their relationship. It can also provide a clearer perspective on the dynamics of the previous relationship and whether it was toxic or unhealthy.
During this time, individuals can also reconnect with their own interests and passions, which can boost self-esteem and confidence. When both parties have taken the time to heal and grow, they may reunite with a better understanding of themselves and what they want from the relationship. This new awareness can strengthen the bond between exes and provide a more solid foundation for a healthy and lasting relationship.
People grow and change over time. If you fall out of love with a partner at some point, you may learn to love them again in a different way.
It is possible to fall back in love with someone after taking a break from the relationship, especially if both individuals have grown and made positive changes. However, it is essential to evaluate whether reuniting is truly what you want or if it is just out of comfort or familiarity.
Falling back in love with an ex requires honest communication, forgiveness, and a willingness to let go of past hurts and resentments. It also involves letting go of any expectations or assumptions about the future and being open to building a new version of the relationship.
Falling back in love with an ex can lead to a more profound connection than before because both individuals have learned from their past mistakes and are willing to put in the effort to make it work. Therapy can also be helpful in this process, providing a safe space to address any lingering issues and improve communication.
There are no guarantees in love and relationships, but some signs may indicate a potential reconciliation with an ex. These include:
- Regular communication: If both parties have been maintaining regular contact throughout the breakup period, it can be a sign that they still care for each other and are open to repairing the relationship.
- Expressing regret and willingness to work on the relationship: If one or both individuals have acknowledged their mistakes and expressed a desire to make changes and work on the relationship, it can be a positive step towards getting back together.
- Mutual friends or family members rooting for the reunion: If those close to both parties believe that they are meant to be together and actively support them getting back together, it can boost confidence in a potential reconciliation.
While not every breakup will lead to a reunion, sometimes, taking a break and working on oneself can make individuals realize that they want to be with their ex. However, it's important to respect each other's boundaries and autonomy throughout this process. If your ex isn't comfortable with the idea of getting back together, it's critical to accept their decision and focus on your own personal growth.
Some couples break up because of external factors, such as distance or timing, rather than a fundamental issue in the relationship. In these cases, with proper communication and effort, they may be able to reunite once those obstacles are no longer present.
Other breakups happen due to unhealthy behaviors or lack of compatibility that can be addressed through therapy or individual growth. In these situations, reuniting may require significant changes and a willingness to work on the relationship's underlying issues.
However, some breakups are permanent, and that's okay. Focusing on self-love and personal growth can help individuals move on from a relationship that is not meant to be. In the end, the most important thing is to prioritize one's own happiness and well-being, whether that means rekindling an old love or moving on to new opportunities. Whatever path you choose, remember to approach it with compassion, empathy, and understanding for yourself and others involved.
- Previous Article
- Next Article