Your Relationship Expectations List: What Can It Look Like?

Having a relationship expectations list may pave the way for creating a healthy relationship. However, as there can be both reasonable and unreasonable expectations for a relationship, differentiating one from the other can significantly affect the relationship and one's satisfaction with it. Findings suggest that you may be more likely to achieve the relationship you desire by having high but realistic expectations. Conversely, low expectations may affect the type of treatment you are willing to accept. A licensed therapist can help you talk through your needs and expectations for a healthy relationship. 

The role of expectations in a relationship

Both high and low expectations can affect relationship quality and satisfaction. Healthy expectations might involve expecting to spend quality time with your partner, as well as expecting a relationship based on mutual trust, respect, and support. Expecting equal commitment to the relationship can also be healthy.

When expectations become unreasonable, they tend to form an idealized character, one that may come from long-held (and sometimes unconscious) assumptions about the role of a relationship or a partner. Unrealistic expectations may stem from unrealistic beliefs about what a relationship should look like or what it may be able to fulfill. Believing that a relationship can "save" you, that your partner should be able to sense your needs without you expressing them, and that they should help you feel better about yourself or heal old wounds can serve as examples of unreasonable expectations. 

According to the Gottman Institute, conflict may be seen as a natural part of any relationship. However, some ways of addressing concerns and conflict can be more constructive and helpful than others. Expecting a relationship to be free of conflict may fall under unreasonable expectations. Expecting conflict to be free of emotional or physical abuse, on the other hand, can be quite reasonable. 

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

Expectations of self-sacrifice 

Many people view self-sacrifice as part of a relationship, and this may come into play when interests differ or collide. For example, in the evening, one partner may want to watch a movie together, while the other partner would rather read a book on their own. If the partner who wishes to read foregoes their self-interest by watching a movie, they are generally making a small sacrifice for the sake of the relationship. Relationships are often full of these negotiations and self-sacrifices. 

Some studies suggest that those who tend to have lower expectations of their partner's self-sacrifice may experience more appreciation for their partner. However, in the case of high expectations for the partner's self-sacrifice, there was usually no observable effect on appreciation or relationship satisfaction. 

Future-oriented expectations

Some research suggests that commitment to a relationship can stem from relationship expectations of future satisfaction, even as couples experience challenges in the present. 

Many couples experience difficulties, which can impact their current relationship satisfaction, but expecting to overcome them can serve as a buffer. 

Building an expectations list

Whether you are looking to establish the groundwork for a future relationship or are reexamining the expectations of your current relationship, having a few parameters in mind may be helpful. 

Healthy expectations from a partner and a relationship may include the following:

• Respect
• Honesty
• Kindness 
• Compassion
• Consideration
• Trust
• Sensing your partner takes a genuine interest in you
• Open, honest communication 
• Doing enjoyable activities together
• Spending time together 
• Being comfortable around each other and expressing vulnerability, your needs and desires, and what matters to you
• Spending time alone without feeling guilty or selfish
• Sharing your concerns, feelings, and disappointments without fear
• Expressing positive and negative emotions and believing you are heard 
• Receiving support for your life goals 
• Perceiving a mutual sense of commitment to the relationship 
• Not being compared to others
• Expressing your views on intimacy and knowing your boundaries are respected
• Expecting to disagree at times and being able to navigate conflict when it arises
• Making sacrifices to prioritize the relationship at times, and feeling appreciated for doing so
• Feeling comfortable ending the relationship or taking time apart if necessary

While you may expect these things from a partner, there is generally no guarantee that they will meet your expectations every time. Commitment and trust, for example, may take time to develop, especially if partners' previous relationships have lacked in those areas. 

However, some of the basics—respect, open communication, kindness, and honesty—may be integral to building a healthy relationship from the start. These qualities can foster trust and commitment. Ultimately, the way you handle disagreements may also help you build a satisfying relationship.

Your list may include qualities that aren't on this list, which can be individual to you. For one person, it might be a sense of humor when facing life's challenges. For someone else, it could be sharing the same faith or culture. 

Unrealistic standards or expectations

Along with realistic standards, there can also be those that are unreasonable. Some of these may damage the building blocks of a healthy relationship. 

Less reasonable expectations may include the following:

• Assuming your partner will always be available to spend time with you, or that they will always want your company
• Making decisions on behalf of your partner, such as telling them with whom they can be friends 
• Expecting your partner will always make sacrifices to prioritize the relationship
• Assuming that your partner will never find anyone else attractive
• Expecting the person never to feel annoyed with you
• Assuming they will instantly reply to your messages or phone calls
• Expecting your concerns or problems to go away, or that you will be "rescued" (this can be unconscious) 
• Expecting old wounds to be healed
• Expecting a sense of self-actualization or personal fulfillment from the relationship
• Assuming all your interests will be shared
• Assuming that once you've found the right person, you will no longer encounter issues in the relationship
• Assuming the person can read your mind without you having expressed your needs, desires, or concerns
• Expecting constant validation and reaffirmation of your partner's intentions
• Expecting grand gestures that prove their love
• Assuming you or your partner will always "be in love" as when you first met
• Expecting a partner to take the role of a therapist

Discussing expectations with a romantic partner

When you are in a relationship, it can be reasonable to assume that your partner will have their own standards and expectations. Sharing your individual criteria can help you reach a place of mutual understanding regarding what's important to you both. Some items on your lists may need to be negotiated. 

There may also be a time when you or your partner doubts the relationship, but constant doubting may be harmful. Doubt can stem from past experiences, stress, or projected fears, which may need to be addressed individually or with a therapist. 

When therapy might benefit you

Sometimes, it can be challenging to navigate our conscious or less conscious expectations around intimate relationships and their roles in our lives. If you suspect that you might benefit from examining your expectations for the kind of relationship you want, you may want to consider therapy. However, if in-person therapy is not convenient or practical for you, online therapy might be a viable option. 

Benefits of online therapy

A platform like BetterHelp, for example, can connect you with a licensed therapist, allowing you to have sessions by phone, video, or in-app messaging. You can attend sessions individually or with your partner from a comfortable location and at a time that works for you.

Effectiveness of online therapy

A 2022 study evaluated the efficacy of online couples therapy in comparison to in-office couples therapy and found that both options tended to be similarly effective. This study joins a growing body of evidence suggesting that online therapy can produce the same results as in-person therapy.

Takeaway

Establishing a set of criteria for what's important to you in a relationship can be helpful in attaining what you desire. Due to unrealistic standards set by society and unconscious assumptions about the function of a relationship and what it can fulfill, some expectations may be more realistic than others. Distinguishing healthy from unhealthy or unrealistic expectations may help you lay the groundwork for a healthy relationship. If you think you might benefit from examining your relationship expectations with a professional, speaking to a therapist online or in person might be helpful.