Deal Breakers in a Relationship: Maintaining Self-Respect

Knowing when to stay in a relationship and when to walk away can be one of the most difficult decisions a person faces. People in romantic relationships are likely to encounter various challenges that test the strength of their bond, and it's up to each individual to decide when a particular circumstance or behavior crosses their personal boundaries. A deal breaker is generally understood as a behavior, value, or situation that someone finds unacceptable in a partner, often leading them to end the relationship. Identifying what these boundaries look like for you can be crucial for building healthy and fulfilling connections. Below, explore what constitutes a deal breaker, common examples, guidance on identifying your own, and tips for communicating boundaries with a partner.

What is a deal breaker in a relationship?

The American Psychological Association defines a boundary as "a psychological demarcation that defends the integrity of an individual" or that "helps the person or group set realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity." A deal breaker represents a specific type of boundary, one that, if crossed, signals the end of a relationship. Unlike minor preferences or pet peeves, deal breakers typically involve fundamental aspects of compatibility, safety, or values that a person cannot compromise on without sacrificing their well-being or sense of self.

Understanding your deal breakers matters because it can help you make clearer decisions about who you invest your time and emotional energy in. When you know where your non-negotiable lines are, you may be better equipped to recognize when a relationship is worth working on and when it's time to move on.

Common relationship deal breakers

While everyone's deal breakers are personal and individual, certain patterns tend to be widely recognized as relationship-ending issues. The following examples represent some of the most frequently cited deal breakers, though your own thresholds may vary based on your values, experiences, and life goals.

Abuse in any form

Though it may seem like a given that any type of abuse should be a universal relationship deal breaker, it isn't always that simple. Some people don't recognize the signs of abuse in their relationship until they're already deeply involved, and they may not feel like they can leave. Regardless of the reason or situation, abuse is never acceptable, whether it's physical, emotional, sexual, or financial. Help is available for those experiencing abuse, and no one is obligated to remain in a relationship where their safety or dignity is compromised.

Infidelity and betrayal

Infidelity, or what is considered cheating, usually represents a significant breach of trust. The impact of infidelity can be profound, potentially affecting the emotional well-being of both partners and fundamentally altering how they view the relationship. While some couples work through infidelity over time, often with the help of a relationship counselor, others find it to be an insurmountable obstacle. The decision to stay or leave after betrayal is deeply personal and depends on factors like the nature of the infidelity, the partner's response, and whether both people are committed to rebuilding trust.

Dishonesty and broken trust

Trust is often considered a cornerstone of healthy and fulfilling relationships. When trust is compromised through chronic lying, secrecy, or repeated broken promises, it can erode the foundation of a connection. Dishonesty doesn't have to involve infidelity to be damaging; patterns of deception about finances, friendships, or daily activities can create an atmosphere where a partner feels they can never fully rely on what they're being told. If a lack of trust persists over time despite efforts to address it, it may represent a deal breaker for some.

Substance misuse

A person's level of tolerance for their partner's substance use can vary widely. For instance, someone who is sober may expect their partner to be as well, so even social drinking or smoking could represent a deal breaker for that individual. While problematic substance use can be associated with mental health conditions and other challenges rather than being a matter of willpower, it can still be a deeply challenging circumstance for a romantic relationship. Treatment is available for those experiencing substance misuse, and it is possible for a relationship to survive them, but not everyone is able or willing to remain in a partnership characterized by this type of challenge.

Communication breakdown

Effective communication is typically considered important for a relationship to thrive. When an individual struggles to express their own thoughts and feelings or fails to listen to and try to understand their partner, it can lead to frustration and resentment. Specific patterns like stonewalling, giving the silent treatment, or responding with contempt can be particularly damaging. The Gottman Institute considers contempt one of the "four horsemen" that may signify the imminent end of a relationship. Constant communication breakdowns can create a toxic atmosphere, hindering the relationship's growth and connection.

Misaligned core values

The values that people learn from their families, the culture they grew up in, and their own experiences and choices often shape who they are and guide their decisions in life. When partners aren't on the same page about core values, it can create ongoing tension and conflict.

Examples of core values that may need alignment include religious or spiritual beliefs, political views, lifestyle preferences such as where to live or how to spend free time, and views on monogamy versus ethical non-monogamy. Addressing these differences early on in a committed relationship can be helpful in determining whether finding common ground is possible or if the gap represents a deal breaker.

Disagreements about children and family

Few issues are as fundamentally non-negotiable as whether to have children. If one partner wants to be a parent and the other doesn't, there's often no middle ground that leaves both people fulfilled. Beyond the question of having children, disagreements about parenting philosophies, how involved extended family should be, or expectations around caregiving responsibilities can also create significant friction. These conversations may be worth having early, as they touch on how partners envision their entire future together.

Financial incompatibility

Poor decisions with money or misaligned goals involving your financial future can cause disarray in relationships. Findings from a survey done in 2023 suggest that roughly one-third of Gen Z and millennial adults report having ended a relationship over arguments about money, and more than 40% said they argue about money with their partner every month. From spending habits to attitudes about debt to career aspirations, behaviors and values related to the way money is made and managed can play a role in whether an individual chooses to move forward with a romantic partner. This may be particularly true if cohabitation, marriage, children, or other shared financial responsibilities are part of their future goals.

Lack of emotional intimacy

Emotional intimacy involves a deep connection and a sense of understanding between partners. If one or more individuals in a romantic relationship struggle to open up emotionally or consistently withdraw rather than engage, this lack of intimacy could eventually lead to a sense of loneliness and detachment. Patterns of emotional unavailability, where a partner seems present physically but unreachable emotionally, can leave the other person feeling unfulfilled, disconnected, and devoid of support. Over time, this dynamic could become grounds for ending the relationship.

Sexual incompatibility

Physical touch and intimacy play an important role in many romantic relationships, and significant mismatches in this area can contribute to ongoing frustration or feelings of rejection. Sexual incompatibility might involve differing levels of desire, different preferences, or unwillingness to discuss sexual needs openly. While some couples can navigate these differences through honest conversation and compromise, others may find that their needs are too different to reconcile in a way that leaves both partners satisfied.

Unresolved recurring conflicts

Conflict is a natural part of virtually all relationships, but it can be important for the health of the connection to address and resolve issues constructively. When the same arguments arise repeatedly without resolution, or when one or both partners avoid conflict entirely rather than working through disagreements, resentment can build. If a person realizes their partner lacks conflict-resolution skills or if the same issues continue to surface despite attempts to address them, it could be a deal breaker. The pattern itself, rather than any single argument, often signals a deeper incompatibility.

How to identify your personal deal breakers

People may not always recognize their deal breakers until after they're invested in a connection, which can result in the challenge of deciding whether to stay and work on it or move on. However, doing the work to identify your key deal breakers as best you can may be helpful for cultivating healthy relationships. No individual or relationship is perfect, but getting familiar with where you draw the line can help set you up for interpersonal success. It's also worth noting that deal breakers can evolve over time as you gain life experience and grow as a person.

Reflect on past relationship patterns

Looking back on previous relationships can offer valuable insights into what you need and what you cannot tolerate. Consider the factors that contributed to past relationships ending. Were there specific behaviors or dynamics that caused lasting resentment? What do you wish you addressed sooner? These reflections can help clarify patterns and reveal deal breakers you may not have consciously identified before.

Clarify your core values and life goals

If you haven't had many past experiences with relationships or prefer not to compare, you might start by thinking about your values and the things that mean the most to you. Consider questions like:

• What role does religion or spirituality play in your life, and do you need a partner who shares those beliefs?
• Do you want children, and if so, what kind of parenting approach feels right to you?
• Where do you want to live, and are you open to relocating for a partner?
• Do you prefer monogamy, or are you open to other relationship structures?
• What does work-life balance look like for you, and how important is career ambition in a partner?

Notice your emotional responses

Your body and emotions often signal when something feels wrong before your mind catches up. Pay attention to feelings of anxiety, resentment, or discomfort that arise in relationships. If you find yourself repeatedly ignoring gut instincts or dismissing red flags because you're invested in making things work, it may be worth examining whether those signals point to a deal breaker. Ignoring these feelings over time can lead to deeper resentment or even contempt, which can be difficult to recover from.

Distinguishing dealbreakers from minor issues

Not every frustration or incompatibility in a relationship rises to the level of a deal breaker. Part of building healthy connections involves learning to distinguish between issues that genuinely threaten your well-being or values and those that are simply differences to navigate. Being too quick to label everything a deal breaker can lead to premature breakups, while being too slow to recognize genuine deal breakers can keep you in unhealthy situations longer than necessary.

Questions to ask yourself

When you're unsure whether an issue is a true deal breaker or something you can work through, consider asking yourself:

• Is this a pattern of behavior or an isolated incident?
• Does this issue affect my core well-being, safety, or sense of self?
• Is this something that can realistically change, and is my partner willing to work on it?
• Am I compromising my fundamental values to stay in this relationship?
• Would I advise a close friend to accept this behavior in their relationship?

When flexibility may be appropriate

Some issues that feel frustrating in the moment are actually preferences rather than deal breakers. Differences in hobbies, minor habits like messiness or punctuality, or personality differences like introversion versus extroversion can often be navigated with patience and communication. A partner who loads the dishwasher differently than you prefer or who doesn't share your enthusiasm for hiking isn't necessarily incompatible with you on a fundamental level. Recognizing the difference between "this bothers me" and "this violates my core needs" can help you approach relationships with appropriate flexibility while still honoring your boundaries.

How and when to communicate deal breakers to a partner

Establishing your deal breakers in a relationship through open communication about your values and needs is often key to success. Early communication can help prevent bigger problems down the line and may help both partners understand what they're committing to. These conversations can feel vulnerable, but they are often an important part of building a foundation of mutual respect and understanding.

Timing the conversation

Bringing up deal breakers tends to work best when both partners are calm and not in the middle of a conflict. When you define the relationship early on, before major commitments like moving in together or getting engaged, is often an ideal time to discuss fundamental values and expectations. However, these conversations can also happen when specific issues arise, as long as you approach them thoughtfully rather than reactively.Try to avoid having these discussions when emotions are running high or when one partner feels ambushed.

Using clear, respectful communication

When discussing your deal breakers, consider these approaches:

• Use "I" statements to express your needs without blaming your partner (e.g., "I need honesty in a relationship" rather than "You're always lying to me").
• Be specific about what behaviors or situations are non-negotiable for you.
• Avoid framing the conversation as an ultimatum, especially in initial discussions.
• Listen to your partner's deal breakers with the same respect you want for your own.
• Acknowledge that some differences may require compromise while others may not.

Revisiting boundaries as the relationship evolves

Needs, boundaries, and deal breakers can evolve over time as individuals and relationships grow. Creating a precedent of talking about boundaries, looking for compromise, and managing conflict in a healthy way can set your relationship up for success later on. Regular check-ins about how both partners are feeling and whether needs are being met can help you navigate changes together. You and your partner may be better equipped to handle these shifts and come to a mutual understanding if you've been practicing these constructive strategies along the way.

Building healthy relationship skills through therapy

Recognizing and addressing relationship deal breakers can be an important aspect of nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships. This process often involves skills like honest communication, self-awareness, and a commitment to mutual growth. It can also be difficult to set boundaries if you have low self-esteem or if past experiences have made it hard to trust your own judgment. If you're looking for support as you engage in self-exploration or work on building positive relationship skills, you might consider connecting with a therapist through online therapy.

BetterHelp now also offers access to psychiatry services through Uplift as an additional care option for adults, which may include medication management when clinically appropriate and based on a licensed psychiatric provider's evaluation.

Benefits of online therapy

Online therapy can offer a convenient way to process relationship concerns from the comfort of your own space. The cost of online therapy via BetterHelp ranges from $70 to $100 per week, billed weekly or monthly, with costs based on your location, referral source, preferences, any applicable discounts, and therapist availability.

Some providers on BetterHelp may be in-network with certain health plans for eligible members, meaning you can often pay for telehealth therapy with insurance, and co-pays average about $23 per session when covered. Coverage varies by plan, provider, and therapist availability.

Many platforms, like BetterHelp, also allow you to message your therapist between sessions, giving you an outlet to work through relationship issues as they arise rather than waiting for your next appointment. The platform also offers additional resources, such as virtual journaling and goal-tracking tools, online support groups, and educational classes.

BetterHelp also offers psychiatry services through UpLift, which may be covered by insurance for eligible members. Medication availability and coverage may vary by member location, clinical appropriateness, and individual pharmacy/insurance benefits. Prescribing decisions are made by the treating clinicians. We do not guarantee that any specific medication will be prescribed or covered by a member's insurance plan.

Effectiveness of online therapy

A 2021 meta-analysis by Fernandez et al. in Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy suggests that live psychotherapy by video may lead to outcomes similar to in-person therapy for many concerns. This may matter for people working through boundaries, trust, or relationship stress who want support from home or another comfortable setting. BetterHelp's data points in a similar direction: 72% of BetterHelp users experienced a reduction in symptoms in 12 weeks.