How Do You Know If You Love Somebody? Recognizing Signs You’re In Love

How do you know if you love somebody? It’s the age-old question. The experience of falling in love can be complicated. It’s something many of us want, but may have great difficulty in defining, much less discovering. This uncertainty keeps us from taking a chance on love wholeheartedly. If we say we love somebody, we often describe feelings and emotions without really pinning much down. Because we all love differently, the list of “symptoms,” such as physical attraction, passion, and happiness, can be confused with other feelings, like lust or obsession. 

Some may get stuck in figuring out, "Do I really like him?" Especially when we are young, knowing what real love is can be a game of trial and error. If you’re wondering how to know for sure, read below.

Understanding love 

Do you love someone? Answering this question may require understanding that there are different forms of love. Some of the most common types of love include the following: 

• Unconditional love
• Romantic love
• Friendship love
• Familial love
• Playful love
• Enduring love
• Self-love

You can feel multiple types of genuine love for one person, too. For example, you might have started off as friends with your partner, and despite romantic attraction, you might always feel friendship in addition to romance toward them. 

For the purposes of this article, we’ll be discussing love between romantic partners. People with different sexualities or identities experience varying levels of attraction, may express romantic love differently, and all are valid. 

Romantic love and emotional connection can be difficult to make sense of in real life, especially if you’re in the beginning stages of getting to know another person. Spending time with the person, speaking with a couples therapist, and tending to relationship maintenance can shed light on the topic.

About romantic love

According to a research paper titled Proximate and Ultimate Perspectives on Romantic Love, “romantic love is a phenomenon of immense interest to the general public as well as to scholars in several disciplines. It is known to be present in almost all human societies and has been studied from a number of perspectives.”

Neuroimaging studies referenced in this paper implicate dozens of parts of the brain responsible for love in romantic relationships. 

Because love is experienced differently as time goes on, you might use different regions of your brain in the early stages of a relationship compared with long-term relationships. 

Likewise, clinical psychology/relationship experts and current research indicate that emerging adults may have a different experience than those who are older. This can change ultimate perspectives on love, the influence of love on your well-being, and the overall experience of love.

Romantic love is hard to quantify with research, though. It can be thought of as an intangible force that transcends the physical world and enters the realm of emotions. Sometimes it can be an unspoken connection that binds people together, and other times, partners may spend plenty of time discussing their love for each other, making it an individual experience.

Signs you’re in love: Looking at the small stuff

Examining your relationship history with your partner can shed light on key signs that you’re in a loving relationship. From small gestures to how you discuss the future together, examining your romantic relationship might be the best way to get the answers you want. 

Let’s explore some key concepts to help you identify telltale signs that you love someone. 

Length of the relationship

Love often takes time to grow with a partner. When we meet someone and instantly feel a connection, that may not be love but rather lust, or, put less severely, a crush. When we lust after a person, we might not know them well but have a strong physical attraction and/or emotional craving for them. This intense relationship can flood our system with a variety of different chemicals, much like addiction, and may light up similar areas in the brain. If you haven’t known that person long, then it could be more likely that you’re in lust with them rather than in love.

One of the reasons you might be wondering if you’re in love with your partner is if the relationship has been going on for a long time. Time, while a strong indicator of love, may not indicate love if the feelings are not “sure.” Most people realize they are suddenly in love with their partner; it simply “happens” in a single moment. If you have to debate whether you’re in love with your partner or not, then there’s a good chance you’re not, but you may be on the way there.

Emotional connection

When you love somebody, being with them is like being with your best friend or a life partner. It feels natural and normal to be with this partner; there’s no pressure and no need to “perform” or act a certain way. Both you and your partner can just be yourselves and feel comfortable and whole in doing so. 

You generally feel compassion and love for them, whether they’re in sweatpants on the sofa or dressed up for a night out. When you truly love someone, you likely want them to be your partner in every aspect of your life.

If this person isn’t someone you actually spend time with, like you would a romantic partner, and you only admire from afar, then it may be unlikely you’re in love with them, and what you’re feeling is strong lust.

When you love somebody, it can be peaceful. When you have a partner, and you are both in love, you may feel safe in your affections knowing that they feel the same way about you. The exception to this is unrequited love, where you may feel everything, and your partner does not feel the same. This can be difficult because your feelings are strong and may even reflect those of a person in love, but because the object of your affections doesn’t feel the same, the relationship may never work.

Those dealing with unrequited feelings may go through the same stages of grief that a person who has a breakup with a partner goes through. They may experience the same emotions, the same thought processes, and experience almost the same feelings as someone who was in a relationship that has ended.

If you love somebody, you might miss them terribly when they’re gone. You might think about your partner all the time; you may talk about them a lot, and it can sound like a bit of a broken record. Practicing self-compassion can help alleviate these feelings, but they may not go away completely. 

When you’re in love with your partner, your connection with that person may be very strong and could be mostly connected to the dopamine/oxytocin reactions in your brain when they’re around. Whenever you and your partner are apart, those levels might drop, so your brain may try to create ways which will make you interact again and bring those levels back up. While it can feel like you “miss” someone you care about, being in love may be much more powerful than that alone; it can feel like a constant thought at the back of your mind.

Appreciation of little things

When you’re in love, you can come up with a million little things that your partner does that make you appreciate them. When you’re in lust because you don’t know them very well, most of their good qualities may seem either physical or superficial. For example, a person in lust might say the person they admire has a nice body, and while a person in love might agree that their partner has a nice body, they will also be able to say things like they love the way their partner cares for them, or that they like and accept their quirks even if they’re annoying at times.

People who love somebody may spend a lot of quality time with that person, even if that’s over video chatting because of a long distance. They can tell you details about their partner’s personal life because they’re interested in their life, and not just their image or how “fun” that person appears to be.

Behaviors and love languages

According to Gary Chapman, there are 5 “languages” that you can spot when you’re in love. People in love generally:

• Spend a lot of quality time together
• Touch each other a lot
• Give each other gifts
• Do things for their partner to make them happy
• Give each other a lot of compliments

Some partners may do all of these things, while most of us tend to have one or two primary love languages. For example, when you’re in love, you may show your affection to your partner by being physically close, while your partner may show their affection by doing things for you, like cooking you dinner. When you’re in lust, some of these things may be done, but likely not all of them, and not consistently as you would with a partner you love. Often, these relationships fail in the long term. 

It can also be hard to tell the difference between love and infatuation. While you may think about them all the time, people who are infatuated rarely know the person they are obsessing over. It’s likely that you may only have met them a handful of times, and they may not actually be your partner, or even if you’re seeing them regularly, your relationship may not have progressed beyond casual conversation, even if you’ve gotten physically intimate. More often than not, if you don’t know someone well but think you’re in love, you’re likely just in love with the idea of them that you’ve imagined in your mind.

Mutual feelings

If you’re not very close to them and can’t tell what their feelings are, then it’s much more likely you’re not in love. Love is a mutual feeling, and if it’s only one-way, then it may never work.

When you start a relationship with a partner, you might feel many physical symptoms, such as:

• A fluttering in your stomach
• Full of energy or antsy
• Nausea

Aside from that, you may want to talk to everyone about your newfound love, or not be able to stop smiling when you’re around them. You might want to spend every single moment with them. 

It can be scary talking to someone you’re not sure about, but if you’re in love, doing so may feel natural, especially as they likely feel the same. Honesty could be the best choice in this situation, because without knowing, you may continue in an awkward limbo. 

Relationship counselors can help you navigate love

Love can be a complicated thing; maybe you’re in love, but your partner isn’t, or vice versa. If this is the situation, talking to a relationship counselor might help. While you can’t force someone to develop feelings, they may simply be unsure of their feelings and need help expressing themselves. Perhaps it’s frustrating to you that they don’t seem to be behaving like they’re in love, but still say they love you.

Sometimes, two people can just be on different timelines, with one falling in love before the other. Love may be different for everyone, and rarely exists on a set timeline. Maintaining open communication about your and your partner’s feelings can be paramount. If you have expressed that you’re in love with your partner and they don’t feel the same, but let you know they care about you and still want to be with you, try not to lose faith. Love can take time.

Unrequited love can leave you feeling empty and despondent. Therapy can help you talk through these empty feelings and give you better coping strategies for your grief as you try to move towards healthier relationships.

Unrequited love can also bring up questions about sexuality. While many cultures accept same-sex relationships, some do not, and it can lead to feelings of confusion and even a loss of identity or depression. While you may believe your love with your partner isn’t acceptable, talking these feelings through with a therapist may help you accept your sexuality beyond the confines of your culture or community.

If you’ve decided you’re in lust, but you just can’t seem to let go of them, it might be time to talk to a therapist. Lust can lead to other problems, like sex addiction. In cases like this, therapists often try to help you talk through what it is that is causing you to hold on to that person while forsaking anyone else. If you’re obsessing over them, it could be just as unhealthy. People in this situation can often benefit from therapy.

Online therapy for dating advice

In regard to relationships, online therapy can be particularly useful as it may be able to reach a wider variety of people, including those who live rurally and minorities who otherwise may have difficulty finding mental healthcare and therapy, as well as those who have busy or non-traditional schedules. 

Additionally, BetterHelp tends to be more affordable than in-person therapy options, as you don’t have to pay for transportation to and from sessions, and our therapists don’t have to rent out office space. Sessions with a therapist or licensed clinical social worker can also be held anytime, anywhere.