Ways To Rebuild Trust In A Relationship

Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of trust. Trust creates a sense of safety, allowing partners to be vulnerable and intimate with one another. It also facilitates bonding and genuine communication. 

When trust is breached in a relationship, it can profoundly impact the relationship and be hard to rebuild. However, with patience and the right strategies and support, rebuilding lost trust and restoring the relationship to a place of mutual respect may be possible. Read on to learn how to rebuild trust in a relationship after it's been broken. 

What causes trust issues in a relationship?

When people think of broken trust or a partner’s betrayal in a relationship, they often think of infidelity. While infidelity is a common way trust is broken in a relationship, it's not the only way people can lose faith in each other and their relationship. 

Common factors include:

• Infidelity (Sexual or emotional)
• Broken promises
• Withholding affection or love 
• Addictive behaviors (i.e., drug misuse, gambling, pornography) 
• Criticizing or talking badly about your partner behind their back
• Lack of physical intimacy 
• Hitting an emotionally vulnerable spot 
• Being emotionally unavailable
• Hiding things and keeping secrets 
• Lying or manipulation

Loss of trust can also come from a combination of these factors or a pattern of these behaviors over time. 

Is it possible to rebuild trust once it's been broken? 

Several things need to be true for rebuilding trust to be a possibility. For example, both parties have to be willing to put energy and work into the relationship with the primary goal of restoring a sense of safety in the relationship. 

Here are some important considerations for whether repairing trust is possible include:

• Both parties must want to work to improve the relationship
• The injured person should be is allowed time to decide how to restore trust and proceed
• There should be a mutual decision to forgive 
• The party who betrayed the trust should be is willing and able to answer simple questions about the betrayal 

These are just guidelines, as each couple has their own threshold for acceptable behaviors and ability to rebound. 

Tips on how to rebuild broken trust

Is the process the same for everyone?

There's no correct formula to repair broken trust. The process will likely depend on how the trust was broken. Through open and honest conversation, you and your partner will need to discover what matters to you, and what will work for the two of you to regain trust. It may take some trial and error to determine what methods work to re-establish trust and restore your relationship to a place where you both feel safe. 

Strategies to get started 

• Choose to be committed to the process – Both parties have to commit to work on repairing the relationship after a betrayal. Rebuilding trust is a long-term process that and you can’t expect it to be linear. However, to move on, you both must be willing to go through the work it's going to take to get to the other side. 
• Listen to your partner's feelings – Let your partner express their hurt and anger without defensiveness. Practice active listening and try to hear how your actions impacted them. While it likely won’t be easy to hear about the pain you’ve caused for person you love, it's often an important step to moving forward. Even if you didn't betray the trust, it's still important to actively listen to your partner speak about their feelings and experiences. 
• Take full responsibility – If you're the betrayer, once you know the ways you've hurt your partner, it's important to remain non-defensive and take full responsibility for how you've hurt them and the actions you've taken and their effects. Don't shift the blame onto your partner. Instead, own up to your mistakes, offer a genuine apology, and commit to earning back their trust. As the betrayed, it's important to be committed to exploring and understanding how your own behaviors may have contributed to stress in the relationship before the betrayal.  
• Improve your communication – When moving through trust issues, it's important to be able to communicate openly, thoroughly, and honestly. Simple yes or no answers aren't going to cut it. Instead, learning how to communicate with honesty and empathy will be important for moving forward. 
• Apologize and accept attempts to repair – If you're the betrayer, it can be important to issue a heartfelt apology and tell your partner how you're going to ensure the same thing doesn't happen in the future. Give your partner space to feel their feelings about what happened to make them lose trust. If you're the betrayed, it's important to acknowledge the apology and try to accept the repair attempts. That doesn't mean you have to get over it right away, but it means that you make an effort to allow your partner to try to repair things with you. 
• Set time blocks for talking – While it's important to talk about the breach of trust, it's also important that it doesn't become a 24/7 conversation. Consider setting up a time block to talk about the issues each day, anywhere from 15-30 minutes. Setting up a time to talk ensures that you continue communicating about it without allowing it to overtake all parts of your lives. Knowing the conversation is happening will also allow each of you to think about what you want to say beforehand, gain control of unexpected emotions, and feel prepared to be present in the conversation. In addition to the daily conversations, it's important to have a longer weekly meeting to discuss the issue and your relationship at large – including what's going right. 
• Set new boundaries – Consider coming up with new rules and non-negotiable boundaries for behavior and communication in your relationship. These can help you reconnect over common goals while helping the injured partner feel more in control.   
• Be thoughtful about your questions – If you're the betrayed partner, you likely have a lot of questions about the breach of trust – especially in instances of infidelity. However, it's important to assess what information you need to know to move forward and what information may be harmful to your ability to heal. Ask yourself if the question you want to ask is something you really need to know or if it's something that might fuel intrusive thoughts. Try to keep your questions constructive. 
• Be honest but thoughtful – If you're the betrayer, it's important to answer questions you partner may have honestly, and with as little detail as possible. The goal is to avoid leaving your partner with disturbing images they have to deal with later. Infidelity has been associated with symptoms like PTSD and can dramatically impact mental health. 
• Be patient – Healing from the past after trust is broken can take time. Both partners need to make a conscious decision to commit to the healing process and spend time working on the small things and large things that contributed to the break in the partner’s trust. Make time for each other, have date nights, and make a point to show each other you care in the meantime. It’s important for both partners to be patient with each other and themselves during the process. 
•  Seek professional help – Navigating your relationship after trust is broken can be extremely challenging. Getting professional help from a couples counselor can go a long way towards helping you re-establish a healthy relationship with trust. A therapist can ensure both parties feel heard while also making sure you don't accidentally hurt each other while trying to heal. It can also be beneficial to attend individual therapy as well. Whether you were the one who was betrayed or the one who broke the trust, meeting with a therapist can help you process your emotions as you move forward in life.

If you and your partner have different schedules and finding crossover time for couples therapy sounds too difficult, consider online therapy instead. With online therapy, through a platform like Regain, you and your partner can connect at a time and place that works best for both of you.

Research on online counseling

Additionally, research shows that online couples therapy is as effective as traditional in-person therapy for improving relationship dynamics.