What Does Clinginess In A Relationship Look Like

Being devoted to your partner and wanting to spend time with them can be healthy in a romantic relationship. However, in some cases, the desire for closeness can become exaggerated and unhealthy. Some people may refer to this behavior as “clingy.” If you have heard this term regarding yourself, it may be helpful to learn how the word clingy can pertain to a relationship, as well as how to address this potentially unhealthy behavior. 

This article explores what being clingy might mean in a relationship, how it can impact relationships, and how individuals can address this behavior. 

Clingy meaning in relationships 

“Clinginess” can take various forms, often involving a deep-seated fear or insecurity about separation from a loved one. This fear may result from low self-esteem that provokes the desire for validation from someone else. It may also form from an anxious attachment style developed early in life. Developing a healthy sense of self-worth and trust may be the most beneficial way to overcome this tendency. 

Finding a definition of what it means to be clingy in romantic relationships can be tricky as it’s a slang word rather than a therapeutic term. Still, there are specific actions and attitudes that some people might associate with “clinginess,” such as the following: 

• Extreme reluctance to spend time away from your partner
• Incessantly calling or texting when the other person is somewhere else
• Feeling extremely anxious when the other person doesn’t respond to messages right away
• Inserting yourself into activities they’ve planned by themselves or with friends
• Getting nervous when you don’t know what they’re doing
• Having few friends or interests outside the relationship
• Trying to please your partner or earn their approval to your own detriment 
• Looking for constant reassurance that your partner is still interested
• Regarding their friends with suspicion or romantic jealousy

Some people in healthy relationships may occasionally display one or a few of these clingy behaviors. However, if you’re taking this approach to your relationships most or all of the time, it may indicate an unhealthy relationship pattern. 

How acting clingy can affect a relationship

Excessive clinginess may drive a wedge between a couple. A 2022 study reported that clinginess was one of the seven most common “deal breakers” that could cause a person to stop considering someone else a viable romantic partner. Women were more likely than men to list it as one of their least desirable traits, but people of any gender can have clingy traits. 

There are several reasons this behavior can be problematic for sustaining romance. For example, if one partner is constantly feeling threatened it can be irritating and frustrating for the other person. People with clingy partners may spend a lot of effort managing their feelings — for example, they might comfort and reassure them when distressed about spending time apart.

Clingy behavior may also lead to more frequent conflict. The clingy person may feel jealous and hurt when the couple spends time apart, leading to repeated arguments. They may have difficulty accepting when the partner has friends of the opposite sex (or same sex as the case may be). Simultaneously, the other person may perceive themselves as trapped, smothered, and resentful. Even if they don’t express feelings openly, a sense of tension can build up, potentially causing a threat to the harmony of the relationship.

What makes people clingy in relationships?

There can be several underlying reasons that significant others may become overly dependent on the other partner. A tendency toward clinginess in relationships may be tied to attachment styles. Individuals with an anxious attachment style may be more inclined to be clingy people. Attachment theory posits that deep-seated patterns are responsible for how a person bonds with others. Someone with an anxious attachment pattern may have difficulty trusting that others have positive feelings toward them than someone with a secure attachment style. 

Research suggests difficulty being secure in a relationship is often linked to unhealthy lessons learned early in life. A typical example is when an individual's caregivers in childhood display unreliable and conditional affection (i.e., only showing love when the child pleases them). 

This unpredictability and certain unmet needs can teach the developing child that other people’s care can’t be counted on and must be earned through “good behavior.” These lessons can carry over into their adult attachment style, as the individual constantly fears worst-case scenarios, such as that the people in their life will stop caring for them. Insecure attachment commonly leads to lower relationship satisfaction for individuals with attachment difficulties and their romantic partners. 

Low self-esteem may also play a role in driving a clingy relationship approach. If you struggle to believe in your self-worth, you may experience insecurity about your partner’s affection. This can lead to internal angst and feelings of intense jealousy.

Overcoming clingy behavior in romantic relationships

If you’ve realized that your clingy behavior is harming your romantic relationship, the following strategies may help you work through these patterns. 

Acknowledge and address your behavior

When repairing your relationship, let your partner know you recognize how your actions have impacted them. Explain that you realize your behaviors based on feelings of insecurity are unhealthy and that you will work on them. This may be an important discussion if your partner has asked you to stop being clingy in the past, as it can demonstrate growth and a desire to change. 

In addition, you can let them know where you’re coming from, discussing why it may be difficult for you to trust that they’ll continue to love you.

Having open dialogue can be helpful in healing a breach. Some research suggests that relationship conflict is less destructive when both partners believe their perspectives have been heard and understood.

Put time into your own interests

Developing a robust sense of who you are apart from your relationship may help you reduce clingy tendencies. Try to make a deliberate effort to cultivate interests and engage in activities unrelated to your partner. Doing so can give you an activity to focus on when you’re alone and increase your confidence. Creative hobbies may be constructive. Studies suggest that developing your skills in some craft may be a powerful way to establish your identity. A strong sense of personal identity and purpose may help you to stop being clingy. 

Work on your other relationships. Spending time with friends without your partner present can be valuable. Strengthening the web of relationships beyond your romantic bond may decrease any existential fear about losing your partner’s affection, as well as offering them (and yourself) personal space. It can remind you that you aren’t on your own with or without one person. 

Work on anxiety coping strategies

Clinginess often arises from the tendency to seek comfort, reassurance, and validation from your partner whenever you feel anxious. To cut down on this habit, you may develop other ways of managing your worries, such as:

• Regular physical exercise
• Deep breathing and relaxation techniques
• Calming self-care activities such as aromatherapy or listening to music
• Maintaining a healthy sleep schedule
• Keeping a journal
• Practicing mindfulness meditation

It may be helpful to experiment with a few of these options and see which ones work best for you. Over time, you may find more constructive ways to soothe your distress without displaying clingy behaviors.

Adopt regular “communication fasts”

You may be able to decrease anxiety through controlled exposure. For example, you may combat clingy tendencies by setting specific times during which you won’t have any contact with your partner—no talking, texting, or other interaction. 

During this exposure to alone time, avoid the temptation to check up on them. Turning off your electronic devices completely may help you evade the urge to check their social media pages or texts. Exposure may be uncomfortable at first. However, if you can stick with it, you may be more secure, even when your partner is not around.

Get help from a professional

If your past experiences severely impacted your attachment system, repairing it on your own may be difficult. You might benefit from seeking assistance from a mental health professional who can assist and advise you. Research suggests that therapy can be an effective way to reduce anxious attachment-related behaviors.

What to do if your partner is a clingy person

When you’re experiencing insecure, clingy behavior from your romantic partner, finding a way forward may depend on three key factors:

1. Compassion: Avoid harsh criticism and personal judgments. Your partner’s moods and behavior may signal their struggle to believe in their self-worth, so offer empathy and emotional support in a healthy way. Trying to worsen their self-esteem may exacerbate the situation.
2. Honest communication: Clearly explain how their actions make you feel. Emphasizing the specific actions that are unhealthy (instead of their personality) to avoid giving them the perception you’re rejecting them as a person. 
3. Healthy boundaries: Clearly defining appropriate limits for communication, and time spent apart can also be helpful. When you establish boundaries, you may better maintain your independence and address your own needs, while your partner may gain a better understanding of when certain behaviors cross a line.

Support options for anxious attachment style 

Whether you’re seeking to overcome clingy habits or trying to manage the stress resulting from your partner’s behavior, a trained therapist may be a valuable ally. However, attempting to find mental health support through traditional channels may add to your frustration if you face barriers like financial challenges or distance. 

Connecting with a therapist online through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples may be faster. In addition, online platforms offer resources for self-improvement, such as journaling prompts, group sessions, and worksheets assigned by your therapist. You can attend sessions from home or two separate locations if you try therapy with a partner. 

Though online counseling is a relatively new option, more studies are finding it can produce robust improvements in mental health. For example, a controlled trial published in 2022 reported that adolescents receiving Internet-based cognitive-behavioral therapy for low self-esteem showed significant improvement in self-worth, self-compassion, overall well-being and quality of life.