What Is A Sleep Divorce, And How Can It Improve A Relationship?

Getting a good night’s sleep can be an important part of maintaining and improving physical and mental health. Sharing a bed each night may be seen as a key sign of a loving, healthy relationship. However, it can be challenging to fall asleep and stay asleep if your partner snores, tosses and turns, or has a different sleep schedule. For some couples, poor sleep quality may negatively impact their relationship and can contribute to frustration and resentment. 

One way to reduce partner-related sleep issues may be to enter a sleep divorce. A sleep divorce is a strategy where couples opt to sleep in separate rooms to get a good night’s rest. Sleeping separately can be a way to ensure that each partner’s sleep needs are met. In this article, we will examine the benefits and drawbacks of sleeping in separate beds and explore strategies to maintain physical and emotional intimacy during a sleep divorce. 

What is a sleep divorce? 

A sleep divorce is when couples decide not to sleep in the same room or bed in an effort to consistently sleep better. The name “sleep divorce” does not indicate the end of the relationship. In fact, for many couples, it can be a starting point to getting good sleep and improving the relationship. 

People may pursue sleep divorces for a variety of reasons, including snoring, insomnia, sleep apnea, restlessness, differing body temperatures, or mismatched bedtimes. Couples may make the decision to sleep separately to improve sleep health and help each person get good sleep. It may be important to note that a sleep divorce is not about creating emotional distance. Instead, it is about getting physical rest, which may be the foundation for better mental health.

Why do sleep conflicts happen in a relationship? 

While sharing a bed may seem like the natural thing to do in a relationship, the reality is that two people often have very different sleep needs and habits. In a relationship, sleep can be a source of conflict with a bed partner for several reasons. One of the main challenges for couples during sleep may be snoring and related sleep disorders. When one partner snores, it may make it challenging for the other partner to fall asleep or stay asleep, which can cause the other partner to become sleep-deprived and emotionally frustrated.

Outside of snoring, other conflicts may include the following: 

• Different sleep schedules: Partners may have different preferred times to go to bed and wake up in the morning, or they may have different work schedules that impact their sleep schedules. This can cause challenges when it comes to sleeping together because one person may wake the other as they get into or out of bed.   
• Restlessness and movement: Some individuals may toss and turn throughout the night, waking their partner and making it hard to sleep comfortably. 
• Environmental preferences: One partner may prefer the room to be warm, while the other may prefer cooler temperatures. 
• Sleep disorders: Sleep apnea, insomnia, and other sleep disorders can keep one or both partners awake throughout the night. 

Understanding the American Academy of Sleep Medicine study on sleep divorce

In 2024, the American Academy of Sleep Medicine (health care experts in sleep) conducted a survey that showed that around one-third of Americans were sleeping in different beds or different bedrooms from their partners. This number appears to represent a growing trend of couples opting to prioritize sleep by sleeping separately from their partners. 

Key statistics from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine study

Within the study, there are a few trends that may be informative. One key statistic is that this trend seems to be more prevalent in Millennials, with 43% of Millennial respondents noting that they sleep in separate beds, compared with 33% of Generation X, 28% of Generation Z, and 22% of Baby Boomers. The study also noted that men were more likely to relocate than women, with 45% of men reporting that they sleep in another room occasionally, compared to 25% of women. 

What does this data mean for couples?

This data could serve as a way to reduce the stigma around sleeping in separate rooms for couples. Although updated evidence is needed, studies show that sleep disturbances and sleep quality may be related to happiness in a relationship. For couples, this means that it may be beneficial to their relationship and overall mental health to focus on strategies for improving sleep, potentially including a sleep divorce. 

Benefits and drawbacks of sleeping separately

Before changing your sleeping habits, it may be helpful to consider the benefits and drawbacks of sleeping separately. This can help couples make a thoughtful decision that works for their unique needs. 

Benefits of a sleep divorce

One of the benefits of sleeping separately may be improved sleep quality. Without snoring, movement, or different sleep schedules disrupting rest, both partners can enjoy deeper, uninterrupted sleep. This can lead to improved mood during the day and less conflict at night, as well as enhanced overall health.

Some couples may also see an increase in intentional intimacy after a sleep divorce. Couples may find that separate sleeping arrangements lead to more conscious efforts to connect physically and emotionally during the day, making togetherness seem more deliberate and less routine. Improved sleep may also empower couples to engage with each other more actively while awake, which can improve their connection. 

Drawbacks of sleeping separately

Sleeping in separate beds or rooms may also come with drawbacks. Without the habit of cuddling or falling asleep together, some couples may become emotionally distant or miss the comfort of nightly physical touch. It can also be hard to explain why you are sleeping in separate rooms to friends and family members due to persistent stigma around couples sleeping separately. 

While sleeping separately does not mean couples are less intimate, it can reduce spontaneity. Physical intimacy may require more planning or initiative, which can seem less natural or spontaneous over time. Additionally, if intimacy is not planned with effective communication or care, it may lead to a sense of isolation or emotional distance between partners. 

How to implement a sleep divorce

Implementing a sleep divorce may start with effective communication and discussion. It may be helpful for couples to start with an open and honest conversation about their sleep needs and goals and how current sleep challenges may be impacting the relationship. Couples may then discuss the details of how they would like to sleep and agree on a strategy to move forward. 

Once a couple is sleeping in separate rooms, it may be important to continue communicating and develop a plan for physical intimacy. This could include time for cuddling, going on more dates, and setting aside intentional time for intimacy. Couples may want to check in frequently and revisit the details of their sleeping situation to ensure that each person’s needs are met. 

Strategies and techniques to improve sleep quality

For couples hoping to stay in the same bed, there may be strategies to improve sleep. What works for one couple may not work for another, and it can be helpful to try different approaches to see what is effective. These strategies can include a combination of mindfulness techniques, lifestyle changes, and sleep hygiene practices. 

Mindfulness and reflection techniques

Mindfulness practices, such as deep breathing and meditation, can promote relaxation and calm the mind and body before bed. It may be helpful to integrate these practices into a person’s daily routine and track sleep changes over time. 

Lifestyle changes

Lifestyle changes can positively impact sleep as well. For example, avoiding caffeine and alcohol, especially before bed, and eating nutritious meals can promote better sleep quality. Additionally, it may be helpful to commit to a daily exercise routine that can reduce stress and anxiety, as well as enhance sleep.

Sleep hygiene

How a person goes to sleep can have an impact on their overall quality of sleep. Practicing good sleep hygiene usually involves avoiding screens in the bedroom. It also may involve having a quiet, dark, distraction-free, and comfortable environment in which to sleep. 

Is poor sleep impacting your relationship?

Connecting with a therapist may help

Connecting with a mental health professional

Connecting with a mental health professional before starting a sleep divorce may be beneficial. A therapist can help you identify factors that may be inhibiting your quality of sleep, and they can suggest strategies for effective communication during a sleep divorce. 

In-person therapy sessions at a brick-and-mortar office aren’t always convenient or accessible. Online therapy sessions can take place from any location with an internet connection and a personal device. This means that you can get the care you deserve from a location that is comfortable and convenient. 

Online therapy can be an effective way to manage sleep conditions, according to a 2023 study. Research also suggests that online couples therapy tends to be as effective as its in-person counterpart, so attending online therapy with your partner may be helpful as you navigate a sleep divorce.