Why Do I Love My Ex?

If you've been thinking about your ex a lot lately, you might feel overwhelmed or unsettled. You may even ask yourself: “Why are they on my mind all of a sudden?”

Taking some time to mindfully pinpoint the cause of these thoughts and feelings can help you figure out how you should proceed in mental clarity and in the best possible way that safeguards your mental health.

Below, we’re exploring how to work through these thoughts, as well as supportive strategies (like therapy) that can help you to feel grounded in your decision for a new season or a fresh start. 

Why do people think about their exes?

There are many reasons why these thoughts can preoccupy people’s minds. We’ve listed a few options below that can help you to validate your experiences: 

You're feeling lonely

If you've been broken up for a while and haven't met anyone new, you might start to think about your ex because you're feeling lonely. Maybe you miss the good times— and if you haven't found someone else yet, you may be starting to forget about the reasons that may have led to the ending of your last relationship.

If you're feeling lonely, you can instead try making plans with friends or family. Spending more time around people you love might be just what you need to stop having unwanted thoughts of your ex.

It can feel difficult to face these feelings as they occur. However, it can be helpful to remember that  loneliness generally will not last forever—and you can always keep the door open to meeting someone new who can help to fill that area of your life if you decide that it is the best option that suits you in that specific season. 

They're still a part of your life

If your ex is still a part of your life, it can be difficult to completely sever and stop thinking about them.  An ex could still be in your life for a number of reasons—you may have decided to stay friends, you might have a mutual group of friends that you both hang out with or there could be kids involved that you need to co-parent.

When this is the case, many may find that the best thing to do is try to set clear boundaries in your relationship as you can. A qualified therapist can help you to do this in a healthy way. To begin, you may choose to spend time with new or different friends primarily, or you may choose to only talk to each other when it's about the kids, for example.

This can lead many to question if one’s ex should remain a part of their life. The “correct” answer, in this case, can vary for many. The best option generally depends entirely on you, your situation and your comfort level with both the person and your support system. If you and your ex have children together, for example, then completely eliminating your ex from your life may not be feasible. 

However, if there are no children to consider and there isn’t anything legally binding you to your ex, it is generally up to you to determine whether your ex truly belongs in your life. Different decisions and arrangements can work for different people. You may consider examining your situation to see what's right for you at this time.

You never got closure

Another reason you might currently be thinking about your ex is that you didn't get closure when your relationship ended. It may be possible that they left without an explanation—possibly leaving you confused about what you may have done to precede that decision.

This can be a hard situation to experience that can leave you with a lot of "what ifs" and mixed emotions. If you find that you may need closure, you may consider reaching out to your ex so you can get the closure you need to move on. 

However, you may choose not to do this if you believe it may be detrimental to your mental health. After all—constantly seeking closure when it's simply not available can lead to feelings of distress. 

In this case, it can be helpful to remember that most of the time, romantic relationships end for a reason. If closure is keeping you from letting go, then you may find that you need to work on redirecting your focus and energy towards relationships which will be healthy and beneficial to you.

How can online therapy help those working through previous relationships? 

If you've considered these options and are still experiencing thoughts about your ex, you may benefit from speaking to a professional discreetly about your experiences. 

Breakups, unrequited feelings and relationships can be difficult. It can be helpful to know that there can be help made available if you need it. 

Online therapy has been noted by many to be an effective way to get help with all kinds of situations, including breakups or lingering feelings for previous relationships. Many may also find it to be more convenient than alternative options that are available, as it can feel overwhelming to have to leave your home or safe place to discuss such sensitive topics.

Is online therapy effective? 

Online therapy can be a convenient way to talk through any issues you may be having about a past relationship—or a variety of other mental health conditions. You can speak with a therapist at a time that works with your schedule, and you can connect anywhere you have an internet connection and a smartphone, tablet or computer.

This level of convenience has prompted many to wonder about the efficacy of online therapy, especially when it relates to relationship progression and support. Recent review of the literature from the National Council on Aging has found that online therapy can be comparably effective for many who are experiencing depression, anxiety disorders, grief, family or relationship concerns and sleep disturbances.