Why are women so mean when it comes to rejection?

Medically reviewed by Paige Henry, LMSW, J.D.
Updated April 25, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team
Content warning: Please be advised, the below article might mention trauma-related topics that could be triggering to the reader. Please see our Get Help Now page for more immediate resources.

If you’ve found yourself wondering why women (or people in general) can be so mean when it comes to rejection, you may be experiencing a phenomenon called rejection sensitivity. This generally refers to a strong emotional response to rejection, even if that rejection isn’t personal. Rejection can lead to a variety of emotions, which may, in turn, contribute to mental health disorders, but it can be possible to respond more positively to it. One of the best ways to overcome rejection sensitivity may be to cultivate a healthy level of self-esteem. A therapist can help you through this process and suggest various strategies to address rejection sensitivity.

An overview of rejection

Most people will face some form of rejection in their interactions with others. There can be many reasons why someone may not respond to us as we would like them to. For example, you may be romantically interested in somebody who is already in a relationship, is interested in someone else, or is not looking to enter a relationship. However, the sense of rejection that may accompany hearing a “no" or a less-than-enthusiastic response to our own interest can be distressing. 

Rejection can spur a host of uncomfortable feelings, such as anger, anxiety, and deep sadness. Rejection can also trigger the pain response in our brain, meaning that we may experience physical pain when our feelings are hurt. Additionally, lower self-esteem has often been linked with increased sensitivity to perceived rejection.

There can be helpful strategies to cope with and relieve some of the emotional and physical consequences of rejection. These may enable us to feel better about the situation and ourselves in the process. Some coping strategies can include staying focused on a task or project, turning your attention to the present moment through deep breathing and mindfulness meditation, and reframing how you think about a situation. 

rejection from women can feel mean, but women have a right to say no

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Rejection sensitivity

We may all experience and perceive rejection differently, and some people may have a lower threshold for rejection than others. It can be challenging not to take rejection personally, especially if you have low self-esteem.

Rejection sensitivity generally refers to the propensity to react strongly to rejection. Biological vulnerability and prior rejection, such as having experienced negativity from parental figures during childhood, are frequently thought to make one more prone to rejection sensitivity. Previous exposure to rejection and associated pain may make someone want to guard themselves against future harm. 

Rejection can affect our attachment styles and how we interact in relationships. Attachment styles usually develop from our early childhood relationship models, particularly with caregivers. When left unaddressed, it has been found that early attachment styles may continue throughout one's life, which may impact one's well-being, relationships, and mental health.

A study of 340 university students "aimed to examine the mediator effect of self-esteem and rejection sensitivity in the relationship between attachment, depression and anxiety" found a link between an anxious attachment style and rejection sensitivity. As anxious attachment levels increased, rejection sensitivity generally increased, and self-esteem usually decreased in turn. This combination of anxious attachment, rejection sensitivity, and decreased self-esteem could also make individuals more susceptible to depression and anxiety. 

The effects of rejection

Research suggests that rejection can mirror feelings of actual pain by activating a region of the brain associated with sensory and emotional pain. Romantic rejection may elicit both physical and emotional pain responses in the brain, and the higher the perceived sense of rejection, the higher the pain response may be.

Rejection may act as a trigger for the flight-or-fight response if you are experiencing lower self-esteem. As an evolutionary response, this automatic reaction to the perceived threat of rejection can be distressing for anyone, but lower self-esteem may make it more difficult and elicit defensiveness and hypersensitivity. However, researchers found there are mitigating factors that can offset the impact of rejection. It’s possible that improving focus and concentration may reduce the impact of perceived rejection.

Rejection sensitivity and mental health

Rejection sensitivity has often been linked with making one more susceptible to developing depression, anxiety, and body dysmorphic disorder, among other mental health conditions.

A meta-analytic review of 75 studies indicated "significant and moderate associations between rejection sensitivity and depression," for example.

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Coping with perceived rejection

While the experience of rejection can hurt emotionally and otherwise, there may be some helpful and less helpful ways to cope. 

Unhelpful methods of handling rejection might include substance misuse, lashing out at someone else, envisioning ways to get back at the person who rejected you, avoiding friends, and other tactics that can worsen the situation, how you feel about yourself, and your overall well-being. 

If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.

Healthier suggestions that could be helpful when you're coping with perceived rejection may include the following:

  • Acknowledging your emotions and bodily sensations 

  • Allowing yourself time to feel pain 

  • Practicing deep breathing techniques to reduce stress and calm down

  • Trying mindfulness meditation, which has been found to help with emotional control and emotional processing

  • Looking for positive or neutral aspects of the situation

  • Seeking out people with whom you have things in common and enjoy spending time together

  • Learning something new, such as a language skill, dance technique, painting, or drawing

  • Reading books on how to improve your self-esteem and overcome self-doubt 

  • Recalling positive events and times when you felt good about yourself 

  • Avoiding self-blame 

  • Cultivating your strengths by focusing on fulfilling tasks that you can complete

  • Developing coping strategies, such as going for a walk, writing in a journal, or doing artwork

  • Eating a nutritious diet and maintaining a healthy lifestyle

  • Treating yourself with self-compassion

  • Remembering that we may all face rejection sometimes

  • Considering therapy as a sustained way to live with life's challenges

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If you are looking to address your self-esteem and mental health, it may be helpful to consider therapy—whether in-person, by phone, or online. An online therapist can support you in exploring healthy coping skills when you feel low about yourself or a situation. 

Benefits of online therapy

A platform like BetterHelp can connect you with a licensed therapist you can talk to by video conference, phone call, or through online chat and in-app messaging. This can be helpful if you're currently struggling to cope with distressing feelings and would like to connect to a therapist quickly. 

Effectiveness of online therapy

There is likely a need for more research regarding the efficacy of online therapy for rejection sensitivity. However, existing studies report that online therapy is generally just as effective as traditional in-office therapy when it comes to treating various mental health disorders and concerns. Either option may be a valid choice for those interested in seeking professional help. 

Takeaway

Perceiving rejection from someone we are interested in can affect our self-esteem, even if the rejection itself is not personal to us. While lower self-esteem has frequently been linked with higher sensitivity to perceived rejection, employing some helpful strategies may allow us to feel better about the situation and ourselves. Staying focused on a task or project, trying mindfulness meditation to stay attuned to the present moment and reduce anxiety and stress, and reframing the way you think about a situation may all be useful tools for coping with rejection. Working with a therapist, whether online or in person, may also be helpful.
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