Dating Someone With ADHD: How To Support Your Partner
People thrive when they're engaged in healthy romantic partnerships; in fact, research shows healthy relationships are essential to our health and well-being.
However, individuals with mental health issues such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) may face unique challenges that make it difficult to acquire and sustain healthy romantic relationships. Like other neurodivergent disorders, adult ADHD can present symptoms that create barriers to healthy relationships— but some symptoms of ADHD can also be advantageous in relationships, creating a unique and special bond between partners.
Although each person expresses ADHD in their unique way, understanding the disorder and its symptoms can help in nurturing a loving relationship with an individual with ADHD. In this post, we'll look at the types and symptoms of ADHD, delve into the complexities of ADHD dating, and offer tips for cultivating a loving, enduring, and prosperous relationship.
Types of ADHD
Though it's a complex disorder with a wide range of internal and external symptoms, experts typically categorize ADHD into three types according to their most predominant symptoms:
1. Predominantly inattentive presentation
Formerly known as ADD, people with this type of ADHD might be easily distracted, have trouble organizing and focusing on tasks, make careless mistakes, miss details in tasks, and appear internally preoccupied.
2. Predominantly hyperactive-impulsive presentation
People with this type of ADHD often primarily display hyperactive and impulsive behaviors that might create difficulties with school, work, and social interactions. These might manifest as fidgeting and restlessness, excessive talking, problems engaging in quiet activities, making impulsive comments, and exhibiting impulsive behaviors.
3. Combined inattentive/hyperactive-impulsive
Individuals with combined ADHD typically display both inattentive and hyperactive-impulsive symptoms, often struggling with attention and concentration in conjunction with hyperactivity and impulsivity.
How do ADHD symptoms affect relationships?
ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) can have a significant impact on relationships, affecting various aspects of communication, emotional intimacy, and day-to-day dynamics. Here are some ways in which ADHD symptoms can be both challenging and advantageous in relationships:
Potential challenges
- Communication difficulties— ADHD can contribute to difficulties in effective communication. Impulsivity, distractibility, and a tendency to interrupt may hinder healthy conversation. Partners may feel unheard or neglected in such cases, causing frustration and misunderstanding.
- Impulsivity— Impulsivity is a trait sometimes found in people with ADHD that can be disruptive to a romantic relationship and lead to conflict. This can manifest in impulsive decisions or actions that might catch a partner off guard or even result in severe issues like infidelity. A 2023 survey found that out of 541 people with ADHD and 851 people without, participants with ADHD reported infidelity more often. However, these results aren't a definitive indication that people with ADHD are more likely to cheat on their partners— more research is required to establish a concrete link (if any).
- Forgetfulness— Forgetfulness is a common symptom of an "ADHD brain" that can affect various aspects of the relationship, from remembering important dates and commitments to completing shared responsibilities. When misunderstood, forgetfulness can create feelings of insecurity and make the partner with ADHD seem unreliable.
- Troubles with time management and organization— Punctuality, organization, and sticking to plans may be difficult for people with ADHD, leading to frustration and stress for both partners.
- Problems with emotional regulation— ADHD can impact emotional regulation, leading to mood swings and heightened emotional reactions. Partners may find it challenging to understand and navigate these fluctuations, affecting the emotional climate of the relationship.
- Hyperfocusing on the relationship— While difficulty focusing is a common symptom, individuals with ADHD may also experience hyperfocus, where they become intensely absorbed in a particular activity or interest. This can lead to neglect of other aspects of the relationship or may be mistaken for "love bombing," a term used to describe manipulative behavior used by some to gain control of the relationship
Potential advantages
Dating someone with ADHD can come with unique advantages, as individuals with ADHD often possess qualities that can contribute positively to a relationship. Some of these include:
- Spontaneity— With impulsiveness often comes a sense of spontaneity that can bring excitement to a relationship.
- Creativity— Many people with ADHD are known for their creativity and ability to think outside the box, making typically mundane activities more enjoyable.
- Energy and playfulness— Some with ADHD have high levels of energy that bring a sense of vitality and playfulness to the relationship that can contribute to a lively dynamic between partners.
- Passion and enthusiasm— People with ADHD often exhibit intense enthusiasm and passion for what interests them, potentially translating into a vibrant, engaging relationship where both partners share interests.
- Hyperfocus— Although symptoms of hyperfocusing can create problems in relationships, emotional intensity and focus in a relationship can also be positive traits in terms of commitment and dedication.
- Sensitivity and empathy— Some individuals with ADHD develop strong empathy and sensitivity as a result of navigating social situations with unique challenges. This heightened sensitivity can lead to a deeper understanding of their partner's emotions and needs.
Tips for supporting your partner with ADHD
One of the most critical actions you can take to ensure your relationship with your ADHD partner thrives is to provide support. How you can best do that will depend on your partner and your circumstances, but here are a few suggestions:
Educate yourself
While people with ADHD don't (and shouldn't) need to associate their entire identity with a diagnosis, it does shape their experiences in all aspects of daily life. Learning about what this looks like for them specifically and understanding ADHD more comprehensively can be highly beneficial. Having open conversations about these topics without judgment can help you cultivate empathy and find the patience to handle challenges together when they arise.
Establish healthy communication
Fostering open and honest dialogue in any relationship can be important, but ADHD can introduce unique communication and active listening challenges. Encourage your partner to express their feelings and concerns while sharing your own thoughts and emotions.
Be an active, patient listener when your partner expresses themselves and try to understand their perspective without judgment. At the same time, establish the expectation that they'll offer you the same courtesy. Fair and consistent communication can help you build trust, mutual understanding, emotional intimacy, and connection.
Help facilitate solutions
Helping your partner cope with the daily challenges associated with ADHD can be one way to support them. For example, create and stick to routines when possible. Predictability can help individuals with ADHD manage their time and responsibilities more effectively. Also, visual aids, such as calendars, planners, and to-do lists, can help organize tasks and schedules.
Remember— it's also essential to consider how your partner might feel about these strategies. Make sure you agree on how you can work together as a team and try asking what strategies might help them.
Set clear boundaries
While your support and collaboration can make a significant difference, it's crucial to establish boundaries around how much you're willing to give. For example, you might find yourself "rescuing" your partner whenever they forget to pay a parking ticket. Or you end up doing all the housework because they haven't completed their share. This can create a parent/child dynamic and cultivate resentment. Let them know you'll provide support to avoid such traps, but be clear and transparent about your boundaries. Be sure to provide concrete examples and work together to find potential solutions.
It might also be necessary to set boundaries around acceptable behaviors. For example, if your partner has symptoms of impulsivity that lead them to overspending, you might establish rules upfront around shopping and finances. This may take time, but establishing balance in the relationship is possible with patience and mutual respect for each other's experiences.
Focus on strengths and celebrate achievements
People with ADHD often possess unique qualities such as creativity, enthusiasm, and spontaneity. Be sure to celebrate these positive aspects of their personality. This, plus acknowledging and celebrating your partner's achievements, no matter how small, can help boost confidence and motivation.
Be flexible and patient
Patience can be important in relationships, including those with a partner who has ADHD. Understand that your partner may struggle at times, and setbacks may occur. Be flexible and adaptable in finding solutions that work for both of you.
Take a break and care for yourself
Relationships with people with ADHD can be intense, and burnout isn't uncommon. It's okay to need a break from each other sometimes— for both of your well-being. Improve your mental and physical well-being by exercising regularly, eating well, and getting enough rest. Engage in activities that bring you joy and cultivate self-esteem, and don't be afraid to reach out to friends and family for support.
Encourage professional help
If your partner is open to it, encourage seeking professional help. Therapists, counselors, and support groups can provide valuable strategies and coping mechanisms for managing ADHD.
Some couples choose to speak with a relationship counselor when navigating the unique challenges associated with ADHD. With the rise in telehealth therapy, platforms like BetterHelp offer an option that caters to the specific needs and challenges related to ADHD, fostering a supportive environment for both partners.
Online therapy breaks down geographical barriers, allowing access to a broader pool of therapists specializing in ADHD and relationship counseling. Online therapy provides flexibility and adaptability in scheduling sessions that can be particularly helpful for accommodating routines and maintaining consistency for individuals with ADHD.
Moreover, attending sessions from home may help minimize potential distractions in traditional therapeutic settings, creating a focused and controlled space conducive to optimal communication. The convenience and comfort of virtual sessions can encourage individuals to express themselves more openly, reducing the stigma often associated with seeking help.
Online therapy is often more affordable than conventional therapy without insurance, and numerous studies show it's just as effective for helping couples communicate more effectively, cultivate a deeper connection, and develop skills and coping strategies. If you and your partner have relationship issues because of the challenges associated with ADHD symptoms, reaching out for help is the first step toward a successful relationship. BetterHelp counselors are ready to provide the support you need to move forward confidently together.
Takeaway
Individuals with ADHD, like anyone else, are unique with their own strengths and weaknesses. Open communication and a collaborative mindset can contribute to a stronger and more supportive relationship. Additionally, it may be helpful for both partners to educate themselves about ADHD and work together to find strategies that accommodate the unique aspects of the condition.
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