How can I navigate an angry family?
Anger is a normal emotion that we all experience occasionally, and it can be a healthy one when expressed in a constructive way. Excessive, frequent, or repressed anger, however, can be an unhealthy presence. Problematic anger can arise out of varied sources—one of which is an individual’s family. People who grow up in an environment in which anger is expressed in unhealthy ways may experience similar difficulty controlling their emotions, challenges which can continue to affect them in adulthood. If your family members experience problematic anger, there are several strategies for both interacting with them in healthy ways and coping with your own feelings. Below, we’re going to discuss the effects of anger in the family, outline ways you can navigate this dynamic, and provide strategies for managing and expressing anger in your own life.
The effects of anger in families
Research indicates that socialization—and parental socialization, in particular—plays a significant role in an individual’s emotional development. As the source of the first and primary social relationships for many people, family dynamics are thought to impact an individual’s ability to understand and express their emotions. An individual’s capacity for emotional control, therefore, can be greatly affected by the emotional control skills of their family members.
Emotional control may be described as the ability to monitor, evaluate, and modify reactions according to the situation. This skill is vital to an individual’s capacity for anger management. Anger is a powerful emotion that can be difficult to control at times. The three main approaches people use to manage anger are expression, suppression, or calming. Expressing one's anger in a constructive way is considered the healthiest approach. This involves directly addressing needs that aren't being met without exhibiting aggressive or hurtful behavior.
Living or growing up with family members who struggle to express anger constructively can present many challenges.
However, there are steps you can take to both control your own emotions and interact more constructively with the anger of others.
How to cope with anger in the family
If your family engages in frequent angry or aggressive behavior around you, it can be challenging to know how to respond. The following are suggestions for coping with anger in your family:
- Actively and patiently listen to what the person is saying without reacting
- Acknowledge their frustrations
- Try to maintain eye contact, if possible
- Give them and yourself space to calm down (e.g., going to another room, taking a walk, or resuming the conversation at another time)
- Set boundaries for yourself by outlining behavior that you will not tolerate, and think of ways you can reinforce these boundaries if they are crossed
- Identify their triggers and find ways to avoid them
While these can be helpful approaches in the short term, problematic anger may need to be addressed in a more comprehensive manner to ensure your relationship with certain family members is as healthy as possible. If you’d like help navigating anger in your family, consider attending family or individual therapy.
How to manage anger
As discussed above, being exposed to the anger of others can lead to difficulty controlling it in ourselves. If this is the case in your life, there are several proven methods of managing your emotions and finding healthy outlets for your anger. Consider implementing the following strategies to reduce the effects of anger in your life.
Practice mindfulness
Research suggests that trait mindfulness may have a mediating effect on anger. In a study of 155 individuals, trait mindfulness—which is described as “acting with awareness, nonjudging, and nonreactivity”—was found to reduce anger in interactions between a parent and child, as well as among couples.
While trait mindfulness is considered an inherent quality, such a state can be cultivated by those who find it more challenging to be mindful. A person can learn to be more present and aware of themselves and their experiences. In additional to helping mediate anger, mindfulness has been found to help individuals cope with stress, depression, and physical health challenges.
To start practicing mindfulness, find a quiet place to sit or lie down. While taking deep breaths, bring your awareness to the present moment, paying attention to your feelings, thoughts, and environment. Are you happy, tired, bored, energetic, angry? Acknowledge these feelings without judgment. Pay attention to your environment and take note of the sensations it produces. What does it smell, feel, or look like? If you find that your thoughts start to wander, bring them back to the present. Fostering an increased sense of presence can help you not only relax but also identify and address anger when it arises.
Remove yourself from the situation
Sometimes, the most effective way of alleviating tension and avoiding anger is to limit your exposure to the potentially anger-inducing stimulus. If you find that a certain situation is leading to problematic anger, consider whether there are ways to remove yourself from it. For example, if you frequently experience anger while sitting in traffic, finding a less crowded route or avoiding peak congestion times can lead to a calmer, more enjoyable commute.
Identify the primary emotion
Anger is often referred to as a secondary emotion, which means it usually follows a different primary emotion. We may only become angry after first experiencing stress, sadness, embarrassment, jealousy, etc. If you become angry without knowing why, take stock of your emotions from the time you began to feel signs of anger. For example, you might frequently find yourself angry at home following a long day of work, which may indicate that your feelings stem from career-related stress. In this case, reducing your stress may help you better manage the anger that follows it.
Practice relaxation exercises
Studies show that deep breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, and other calming practices can reduce anger and aggression. Many relaxation exercises can be done both while you’re experiencing anger and as a form of prophylactic stress management. A common deep breathing exercise is box breathing. To practice box breathing, inhale for a four count, then hold your breath for a four count, before exhaling for a four count, and then holding again for a four count. Repeat this process three to four times.
Progressive muscle relaxation involves tensing and relaxing different groups of muscles in the body. To start, tense the muscles in your foot for 5-10 seconds, and then relax them for about 30 seconds. Then, continue this process with each muscle group in your body. Other relaxation exercises include yoga, tai chi, meditation, and music therapy.
Avoid dwelling on the past
Letting go of negative feelings toward a specific situation can help you avoid unhealthy expressions of anger, especially if it has already been resolved with the person. One way to do this is by using a technique known as cognitive restructuring to reframe the way you think about a person or situation. Instead of focusing on the negative aspects of an interaction or scenario, you may try to recognize the positive or neutral aspects.
Take, for example, a situation in which you your brothers showed up late to an important event. While recognizing that you’re upset about their tardiness, you might choose to focus on how appreciative you are that they made it safely. Letting go of things that are in the past can help you develop a positive mindset, limit the negative effects of anger, and move forward in a healthy way.
Understand your triggers
Knowing what situations or interactions commonly lead to frustration, aggression, or stress in your life can help you avoid anger before it develops. One way of recognizing your triggers is by keeping a journal of moments in which you became angry. This can help you identify patterns over time. For example, you may realize that a common trigger is related to contentious conversations with your parents about your life choices. To avoid this, you could set boundaries around what you and your parents discuss when you talk about your life.
Navigating anger with online therapy
Research suggests that online therapy can help individuals reduce problematic anger. For example, in one recent trial, researchers found that online therapy decreased anger expression, rumination, and aggression in participants. The two modalities utilized in the study were mindfulness and cognitive reappraisal—techniques that we touched on above.
If you’d like help managing anger, navigating complex family dynamics, or addressing similar challenges, consider connecting with a licensed therapist online. With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can work with a mental health professional remotely, allowing you to avoid potentially anger-inducing situations like commuting to an office. Your therapist can also help you avail of useful resources, such as at-home exercises geared toward helping you develop anger management strategies on your own time.
Takeaway
Why is it important to cope with anger?
Anger is a natural human emotion, but it can cause harm to you or others if you aren’t able to cope with it in a healthy way. When uncomfortable feelings like anger control you instead of the other way around, you may end up doing or saying harmful things. Anger that’s held onto and not dealt with properly can also lead to health problems over time.
How do you process anger in a healthy way?
First, maintaining healthy lifestyle habits like exercising regularly and sleeping enough can help equip your body and brain to handle strong emotions like anger. Next, you can engage in positive self-control strategies when you feel this emotion arising in you so that you can manage it better. Examples include trying deep breathing exercises, counting, repeating a calming mantra, and stepping away from the situation for time outs or breaks to give yourself a chance to rebalance.
How do you live with someone with anger issues?
Interacting with someone who has problems controlling their anger can be challenging. It may help to approach conflict calmly, use “I” statements to express your own feelings, and practice active listening to ensure they feel heard. Setting boundaries can be important, and encouraging them to seek professional support if you think they might be receptive could also be worth trying. If you feel your safety is at risk because of someone else’s anger, do not hesitate to prioritize your well-being by exiting the situation and seeking help.
If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse in any form, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for immediate support, advice, and assistance.
How do you deal with anger in your family?
It can be challenging to live with family members who have anger issues or difficulties managing other strong emotions. Implementing family anger management strategies together could help, as could seeing a family therapist. Examples of such strategies can include practicing vocalizing emotions and needs in a calm manner, making a habit of taking deep breaths or breaks when emotions run high, and finding healthy outlets for anger individually and as a family.
When it comes to angry kids and children’s anger—whether they’re toddlers, older kids, or teens—you might try an approach that matches their age. To teach children who are younger, a strategy like sticker charts for your child’s work on implementing positive behavior could be effective. Positive reinforcement for good behavior in an older child could take the form of words of affirmation or special privileges, for example. When children make mistakes or fall short, acting with compassion and calmly discussing what went wrong could be helpful in their learning process.
How do you calm someone down from stress?
If someone you know is experiencing stress or another difficult emotion, there are a few different approaches you could take to help, depending on what they need. Some people might need to vent, in which case you can lend a supportive listening ear. Others may want to deal with it on their own and in their own way, in which case you might give them space and let them know you’re there to talk if needed. Some might even appreciate the offer to do breathing exercises with them, help them brainstorm solutions for whatever is on their mind, or just sit with them in difficult emotions.
Can anger issues run in the family?
The behavior you see modeled as a child can inform your own behavior. That means that if you were raised in a household where anger was expressed loudly and aggressively or bottled up and never spoken of, for example, one of these might be your default as well. Many kids end up realizing they have to learn new approaches to managing emotions as they become older children, teenagers, and adults. It can take time to break these ingrained patterns, but it is possible to form new, healthy habits and appropriate behaviors.
It’s also worth noting that an aggressive child or one who is facing other emotional challenges could be experiencing a mental health condition, many of which have a genetic component. If you’re concerned about your child’s anger, meeting with a therapist who specializes in working with children their age could help.
How does anger affect your relationships?
Anger will arise in virtually everyone from time to time, which means that it can affect relationships of all kinds. Exactly how it impacts them depends on the way in which each party handles this type of strong emotion. For example, not expressing anger could lead to a lack of honest communication and resentment. Anger that’s uncontrolled and accompanied by aggression could cause fear and a lack of trust and potentially lead to doing and saying hurtful things one might later regret. Healthy relationships are usually characterized by all parties being able to control strong emotions in most cases so that productive communication can be had in an environment that feels safe.
How do you know if your family member has anger issues?
A family member might have trouble controlling their anger if the way they handle this emotion negatively affects themselves or others. For example, someone who shuts down and never shows or expresses any anger even in the face of very frustrating situations could have trouble connecting to their emotions, which could make it hard for them to truly feel anything at all. Someone who frequently loses control and succumbs to angry outbursts could be experiencing some kind of internal pain or conflict, which could scare or harm others and lead to health problems in the long run.
How does family affect my behavior?
The ways you handle your emotions are often learned from your parents or primary caregiver(s) during your formative years. If you were exposed to adults who were not able to implement healthy or productive strategies for managing emotions, you might lack them as well. If you feel that how you learned to deal with emotions as a child is not serving you now, it is possible to implement new, healthier techniques. A therapist could be helpful in this regard.
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