Is Going To Bed Angry Bad For You?

Medically reviewed by Arianna Williams
Updated February 27, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team

You’ve probably heard the age-old saying, “Never go to bed angry” before. It’s often one of the most common pieces of advice given to newly married couples. It can be wise not to go to bed angry in some cases, as going to bed may exacerbate the conflict and cause the disagreement to linger. Going to bed angry can also negatively impact your sleep. However, sometimes it may be wise to go to bed before continuing to work out the issue at hand. For instance, if the disagreement can’t be easily resolved, if you’re too tired or not thinking clearly, and if you’re no longer focused on the real issues, it can be best to get some sleep. Online therapy is often a helpful resource for individuals and couples to address personal challenges and relationship conflicts.

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Reasons to avoid going to bed angry

While it can’t always be avoided, going to bed angry can be problematic for the health of the relationship (and each partner) and may prevent issues from being properly addressed. The following are several reasons you should generally avoid going to sleep when you’re upset with your partner. 

The disagreement can linger

When you go to bed angry, it can be tempting to wake up in the morning, push that anger aside, and go on with your day. The problem with this can be that you’re likely putting off the necessary work of finding a solution. Disagreements rarely resolve themselves, so you may simply be delaying an inevitable conversation. Particularly when it’s a manageable conflict, it can help to address the situation before bed. 

It can exacerbate the conflict

Have you ever noticed that, at times, when you stay angry for a while, your anger starts to build? When you and your partner are upset, sleeping on a disagreement may worsen the situation. Studies have shown that negative associations can be consolidated during sleep, meaning you may have a harder time getting over a conflict if you sleep on it. Additionally, an argument might start about one thing but, over time, start to include disagreements from the past. 

Repressed feelings can lead to unhealthy expressions of your emotions. You and your partner may experience resentment that worsens over time. In many cases, you may become angrier than you normally would be because you've been holding on to these feelings inside. If you resolve a problem that has led you to be angry before going to bed, you may be able to avoid this escalation.

You might get poor sleep

It’s possible that trying to go to sleep when you’re feeling irritated or upset may affect your sleep. You may find yourself lying in bed, thinking about the situation. If your partner goes to sleep after an argument, but you're lying awake, that can cause your anger to grow. When sleep disruptions like this occur regularly, they can lead to mental and physical health challenges. A good night's sleep can promote emotional wellness, which may help you and your partner navigate relationship concerns in healthier ways.

When it’s okay to go to bed angry

There can be exceptions to the rule, “Never go to bed angry.” Below are some examples of times when going to sleep is likely the best option.  

When the disagreement can’t be easily resolved

If you're angry about something that you can’t resolve quickly, then it can be worth going to bed instead of staying up and arguing about it. For example, if you and your partner are having a major disagreement over your budget, you are not likely to resolve that situation before bedtime. Managing the situation and your emotions on little sleep can make the situation even harder. 

This doesn’t mean you have to go to bed angry, necessarily—just that you may have to go to bed before coming to an agreement. You can tell your partner that you understand the importance of the topic and want to finish the conversation, but that now might not be the best time. You and your partner can make plans on when to resume the conversation. This can help your anger subside a little as you take a break—as long as you have a plan to talk again.

When you’re too tired

Late nights can make tense situations feel even more uncomfortable. You may be tired from a long day and emotionally drained from the conflict with your partner, so it can be easy to let your emotions and anger escalate due to exhaustion. In these situations, it can be wise to get the rest that you need and address the problem the next day. You can mention to your partner that nighttime is not always the best time to make decisions or work through things, and that you’d like to table the discussion for the evening.

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When you aren't thinking clearly

If excessive anger or other emotions are clouding your judgment, you may not be able to resolve the situation before you go to bed. When your heart rate is elevated and you can feel stress and tension building, it may not be the right time to talk. You could say and do things that you will regret when you try to resolve a situation with your anger at a high level. Additionally, if alcohol or other substances are involved, it can be even harder to have a constructive conversation. Instead, it may be better to spend a few minutes trying to decompress and relax, and then go to bed, waiting until the next day to address the situation when you are a little calmer.

If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.

When you're no longer talking about the real issue

It's often a good time to go to bed once the argument has veered away from the original topic. You may notice that you’re no longer making progress toward a solution or have started to discuss other issues. When you reach this point in an argument, a good night’s sleep can help you approach the problem with a fresh perspective. 

What to do when you can't resolve your anger

If you have reached a place where you have trouble managing your anger, consider talking to a therapist. Whether it's related to your relationship or other aspects of your life, anger can have significant effects on your emotional and physical well-being. If you and your partner often go to bed angry, a couples therapist could help you develop useful communication skills and provide unbiased insights into your relationship. 

In addition to providing a different point of view, a therapist can help you manage symptoms of mental health concerns that you experience individually. Therapy can help you get to the root of your anger and teach you important coping skills. You can also seek out anger management courses or support groups, which may be attended individually or as a couple. Consider searching for local classes or participating in a remote anger management group. 

Benefits of online therapy

Online therapy platforms can help couples confront the underlying issues that lead to disagreements, and you may also be able to message your therapist outside of sessions. If you and your partner are having trouble communicating late at night, you can make a note of your disagreement or feelings then and there, and your therapist will usually respond when they are able. You can also schedule individual therapy sessions to address any personal challenges you may be experiencing.

Effectiveness of online therapy

Studies show that online therapy can be useful for both managing symptoms of anger and improving communication in relationships. One study found that online therapy can be beneficial for distressed relationships. The study mentions the barriers that often prevent couples from receiving in-person therapy, including time constraints, provider availability issues, and high costs, noting that online therapy can be a way to bridge that treatment gap. 

Read below for reviews of qualified BetterHelp therapists who have helped couples communicate and interact better.

Therapist reviews

“Dr. Mallett provides a safe environment for me to express my concerns. She offers great advice as well as different perspectives for me to understand how to make my relationship with myself as well as with my partner better.”

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Takeaway

Going to bed angry can be the result of a small, one-time disagreement or a sign of a larger issue within the relationship. When you go to bed angry, there’s a chance you may get poor sleep and that the disagreement may linger. Still, there can be times when it’s best to get some sleep before continuing the discussion. For instance, if you’re too tired, not thinking clearly, are no longer focused on the main issue, or if the disagreement isn’t likely to be resolved anytime soon, going to bed may be the best course of action. If you’d like to address relationship conflict, better communicate with your partner, or discuss other concerns, online therapy may be a helpful tool for you. With the right guidance, you can foster a healthy relationship and improve your mental well-being.
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