My Husband's Anger Issues Is Ruining Our Marriage - What Can I Do To Help Him And Our Relationship?
By: Dylan Buckley
Updated September 07, 2021
One of these situations is recognizing that your husband's experiencing anger issues to the point that it is detrimental to your marriage and possibly your personal wellbeing.
If you fear that your husband’s anger might ruin your marriage, keep reading to learn how to get help.
What Can I Do To Help Calm My Husband's Anger Issues?
Listed below are steps you can take when it feels like your husband with anger is ruining your marriage.
First, stay calm. When someone else shows anger, it is natural to feel inclined to respond with anger or defensiveness. However, responding to anger with more anger can escalate the situation, especially if your spouse is already struggling to control their anger. Do your best to remain calm in a tense situation. You may want to respond with a neutral statement, such as, “I can tell you’re very upset. I don’t think talking will help right now, so I’m going to give you space to cool down.” You may need to give him physical space—either by leaving the room or by getting yourself out of your home for a bit on an errand or walk. If your husband’s anger is not directed at you, but happening in front of you, you might be able to direct the conversation by speaking slowly and calmly.
Sometimes, taking the time to talk through and reframe the conflict from his perspective is enough to help you see if his anger has a legitimate cause. Even if his anger has sprung up for no reason, giving him dialogue and attention to feel understood might help get those feelings under control.
If you have reached the point where you feel like his anger is truly ruining your marriage, then the best thing you can do is be honest. However, if you are already dealing with someone who struggles to manage his anger, you may not want to blurt out this realization in the middle of an already-tense situation or argument.
Honesty is important, and you deserve to feel respected and heard in your marriage. If your husband’s anger is getting in the way, broaching the subject might, unfortunately, cause him to become defensive. Two good ways to avoid defensiveness are using “I” statements and focusing on the health of your relationship. Rather than lead with a statement that could sound accusatory, like, “You won’t stop freaking out about even the littlest stuff,” frame your concern around your own feelings about the issues: “I worry when you feel so much anger. It’s hard for me to see how we can enjoy our time together if anger gets in your way.” Emphasize that you want to talk through these issues to make your relationship healthier and happier, not because you want to lay blame or call it quits.
If his anger has progressed to the point that you do want to leave the relationship or the marriage, you may want to consult with a counselor first to determine the best course of action.
Anger is a normal human emotion that can be healthy, but anger responses to underlying concerns about issues can become unhealthy if they are not managed. A different and more complex issue usually causes unhealthy anger. For example, anger can stem from:
Trauma, Guilt, or Shame
While it might feel like your husband's deciding to take his anger out on you and that he’s in control of the situation, he most likely doesn’t feel in control at all. Figuring out where his anger coming from is essential to managing it in the long run. A mental health professional can help your husband get to the root of his emotional struggles. Unfortunately, due in part to societal stigmas surrounding men expressing emotions other than anger, recommending this course of action may cause him to get defensive or full of anger. If you intend to bring up this suggestion with your husband, try to do so during a calm time, and emphasize that you are suggesting therapy because you want both of you to be happier.
Living with someone who is struggling to manage their anger can be stressful and uncertain.
My Angry Husband Blames Me For Everything
A common byproduct of anger is placing blame on others. This can be an unfair, frustrating situation for the spouse who is constantly being blamed for everything.
If you feel that your spouse's trying to redirect his anger or blame toward you, then you have the right to walk away and take some space while he cools off.
Try To Maintain Empathy And Compassion
If your husband has trouble with his anger, a little patience and compassion can go a long way. Remember that anger usually stems from something else and there’s a good chance that your spouse's struggling.
Set Boundaries In Your Life And Relationship
If your husband struggles with anger, it’s important to set boundaries. Use your voice to let him know what you are willing to accept and what you will not put up with—for example, “I’ve noticed that you often seem full of anger when you get home from work. If you direct your anger at me, I will need to leave the room until you’ve calmed down.” Once you set your boundaries, you need to stick to them, even when it feels easier to give in. If you show him that he’s able to disrespect your boundaries without any consequences—for example, if you allow his anger to follow you into another room—then he will continue to do so. Uncontrolled anger is not your fault, and you do not need to give it attention or energy when you have already explained that you will not do so.
Get Out Of An Abusive Situation
There’s a difference between having a husband with anger and having an abusive husband.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a valuable resource if you are experiencing issues or a crisis. Remember, just like uncontrolled anger, abuse is not your fault. You deserve to feel safe and respected.
Seek Help For Your Husband's Anger And Yourself
The mental health professionals at BetterHelp have training and experience helping with anger and marital trouble.
Marriage And Anger
Using the actions above or working with a therapist may help you learn how to improve your marriage if your husband struggles with anger.
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