My Husband's Anger Is Ruining Our Marriage - How To Help Him And Your Relationship

When people get married, they are often full of hope for their future and their new marriage. They have dreams of good things to come and a happy life with their new spouse. They rarely think or plan ahead for the negative things and challenges that most marriages struggle with. Therefore, some people find themselves feeling anxious and disappointed when their marriage is not like a fairy tale. But the reality is that even healthy relationships take hard work and may face hard times. Some difficult situations within a marriage can be so severe that one or more spouses begin to question whether the marriage should end.

One of these situations is recognizing that your husband's experiencing anger issues to the point that it is detrimental to your marriage, family, and possibly your personal wellbeing.

If you fear that your husband’s anger might ruin your marriage, keep reading to learn how to get help.

What Can I Do To Help Calm My Husband's Problem With Getting Mad?

Listed below are steps you can take when it feels like your husband with anger is ruining your marriage.

First, stay calm. When someone is angry or upset, it is natural to feel inclined to respond with anger or defensiveness. However, responding to anger with more anger can escalate the situation, especially if your spouse is already struggling to control his quick temper. Do your best to remain calm in a tense situation. Keep your response calm and neutral, such as, “I can tell you’re very upset. I don’t think talking will help right now, so I’m going to give you space to cool down.” You may need to give him physical space—either by leaving the room or by getting yourself out of your home for a bit. If your husband’s anger is not directed at you, but happening in front of you, you might be able to direct the conversation. The key is to talk slowly and calmly.

You can also encourage him to try “walking it off” to see if he can cool down before starting a conversation with you.

Try To See Things From His Perspective

Do your best to try and understand where he’s coming from. If he doesn’t explain himself clearly, you can ask questions to get a better understanding of his perspective and feelings. Rephrasing his grievances can be a good way to show that you are listening while also offering a reframing; for example, if he says, “I can’t believe that idiot at work screwed up another project!” you could respond with, “You sound really angry with your coworker. It can be so frustrating to feel like someone’s wasted your time.”

Sometimes, taking the time to talk through and reframe the conflict from his perspective is enough to help you see if his anger has a legitimate cause. Even if his anger has sprung up for no reason, giving him dialogue and attention to feel understood might help get those feelings under control.

Be Honest With Him

If you have reached the point where you feel like his anger is truly ruining the love in your marriage or affecting your family, then the best thing you can do is be honest. However, if you are already dealing with someone who struggles to manage his anger, you may not want to blurt out this realization in the middle of an already-tense situation or argument.

A more constructive approach may be to write down your feelings and let him know you’d like to share some concerns about the issues during a calmer time.

Honesty is important, and you deserve to feel respected and heard in your marriage. If your husband’s anger is getting in the way, broaching the subject might, unfortunately, cause him to become defensive. Two good ways to avoid defensiveness are using “I” statements and focusing on the health of your relationship. Rather than lead with a statement that could sound accusatory, like, “You won’t stop freaking out about even the littlest stuff,” frame your concern around your own feelings about the issues: “I worry when you feel so much anger. It’s hard for me to see how we can enjoy our time together if anger gets in your way.” Emphasize that you want to talk through these issues to make your relationship healthier and happier, not because you want to lay blame or call it quits.

If his anger has progressed to the point that you do want to leave the relationship or the marriage, you may want to consult with a counselor first to determine the best course of action.

A trained therapist can help you find the words and resources you need to leave safely

Encourage Him To Get Help

Anger is a normal human emotion that can be healthy, but anger responses to underlying concerns about issues can become unhealthy if they are not managed. A different and more complex issue usually causes unhealthy anger. For example, anger can stem from:

• Insecurity
• Anxiety
• Stress
• Depression
• ADHD
• Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
• PTSD
• Bipolar Disorder
• Trauma, Guilt, or Shame

While it might feel like your husband's deciding to take his anger out on you and that he’s in control of the situation, he most likely doesn’t feel in control at all. Figuring out where his anger coming from is essential to managing it in the long run. A mental health professional can help your husband get to the root of his emotional struggles. Unfortunately, due in part to societal stigmas surrounding men expressing emotions other than anger, recommending this course of action may cause him to get defensive or full of anger. If you intend to bring up this suggestion with your husband, try to do so during a calm time, and emphasize that you are suggesting therapy because you want both of you to be happier.

Walk Away When You Need To

If he is really angry and you’re unable to talk to him and can’t continue the conversation, then let him know that you need to take a break. Take a walk, leave the room, or run an errand. Find a place where you can remain calm and recharge. A break may give him time to calm down before you come back.

Help Him Practice Self-Care

While you don’t have control over everything that your husband does, you will have some opportunities to help encourage self-care in his life. Look for ways to encourage him to get a good night’s rest, sneak in some exercise, and make healthier eating decisions. A lack of self-care can play a big role in individuals’ emotions. The better you care for yourself physically, the easier it becomes to address any mental health challenges that you’re facing. Also, do your best to practice self-care on your own.

Living with someone who is struggling to manage their anger can be stressful and uncertain.

You deserve to be able to recharge and feel healthy within your marriage. Take the time you need for yourself when you can.

Don’t Try To Parent Him

 

 

As you support your husband through difficult or frustrating situations, even if he is acting childish, try your best to avoid acting like his parent. Attempting to solve his problems for him won’t allow him to grow, and scolding him, especially in front of others, may only escalate the situation. You deserve a partner who behaves like an adult; treating him like one will help.

My Angry Husband Blames Me For Everything

A common byproduct of anger is placing blame on others. This can be an unfair, frustrating situation for the spouse who is constantly being blamed for everything.

You must remember that blaming may be your spouse's way of trying to deal with this emotion, but that his actions and words are not your fault. You do not need to accept responsibility for his choices; furthermore, doing so many only leads him to shift greater blame to you in the future.

If you feel that your spouse's trying to redirect his anger or blame toward you, then you have the right to walk away and take some space while he cools off.

Try To Maintain Empathy And Compassion

If your husband has trouble with his anger, a little patience and compassion can go a long way. Remember that anger usually stems from other factors and there’s a good chance that your spouse's struggling. He may exhibit an angry reaction many times simply because he wants someone to hear about his struggles.

Your support can go a long way in encouraging him to get the help that he needs. If you can get him to go to counseling, let him know that you are more than willing to go along with him if he would like. And remember, just because you have compassion does not mean that you have to accept being treated badly.

Set Boundaries In Your Life And Relationship

If your husband struggles with anger, it’s important to set boundaries so there's not additional damage and pain. Boundaries are essential when creating healthy relationships. Use your voice to let him know what you are willing to accept and what you will not put up with—for example, “I’ve noticed that you often seem full of anger when you get home from work. If you direct your anger at me in the house, I will need to leave the room until you’ve calmed down.” Once you set your boundaries, you need to stick to them, even when it feels easier to give in. If you show him that he’s able to disrespect your boundaries without any consequences—for example, if you allow his anger to follow you into another room—then he will continue to do so. An uncontrolled anger outburst is not your fault, and you do not need to give it attention or energy when you have already explained that you will not do so.

Get Out Of An Abusive Situation

There’s a difference between having a husband with explosive anger and having an abusive husband.

If your spouse is abusive to you in any way (physically, emotionally, financially, mentally), then the most important step to take is to get your family and yourself to a place where you are safe. This doesn’t mean that you have to leave the relationship for good via a divorce, but it does mean that you will need to remove yourself and your children from the immediate abusive situation so you can figure out how to process and proceed forward.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a valuable resource if you are experiencing issues or a crisis. Remember, just like uncontrolled anger, abuse is not your fault. You deserve to feel safe and respected.

 

If you are struggling to find a way forward in your marriage from destructive behavior, a therapist can make a big difference. Within a marriage with an angry spouse, it can be hard to see the line between when things are your fault and when they’re not, possibly leading to additional verbal arguments and isolation. A therapist can provide an objective, non-judgmental perspective, and professional feedback so that you can better understand the situation and your options. If your husband is open to it, couples therapy may be a great resource for healing and strengthening your marriage in light of this type of neglect, or individual therapy can provide you with needed support and clarity to move forward. If the anger is affecting your son or daughter, then you may want to consider talking with a family therapist instead. Nothing is more important than your safety and the safety of your kids.

The mental health professionals at BetterHelp have training and experience helping with anger and marital trouble.

Online therapy is confidential and flexible, so you can schedule sessions when you have privacy and quiet. Online therapists can work with you in several ways—video chats, phone calls, or messaging, all based on your preference and schedule. You can receive private, personalized treatment and advice specially tailored to make you feel comfortable and supported—no matter where you might be physically located.

With a plan in place, you can improve communication and make positive changes for the future in this discussion format. After all, everyone's marriage is different, so having information tailored to you can be incredibly helpful. Read below for some reviews of BetterHelp therapists from people who have needed support for their marriages.

“Within just a few sessions with Monica, I was in a much better place emotionally, mentally, and had renewed hope. After a strong rift with my husband, I needed a compassionate ear that wasn’t my friends or family. She listened, gave me good feedback, and assigned helpful habits. So far everything she suggested has been working really well. Thanks to her I’ve made great progress, and I’m excited to continue until I’m back to me. I’m so glad and thankful to better help for not only providing therapy at a price I could afford but having sessions from home, which has been important for me since all of this has made me paranoid about going out to seek help. I know I have more work to do, but with Monica and better help, I’m more hopeful now than I have been in about two years. That’s priceless to me.”

“Lindsay has been such a blessing. I am a small business owner who is married to a PTSD vet. I have a lot on my mind and plate and she has helped me with everything that I could ever dream of. My anxiety and stress are becoming more manageable daily and it's because of the amount of attention and care she puts into our sessions. I have told so many people about her and the tips she has given me. I will never be able to repay her for the fresh start she has given me.”