How To Eliminate Approach Anxiety And Self-Doubt
What is approach anxiety?
Approach anxiety can be defined as an irrational fear that can stop you from engaging in conversation with strangers. Approach anxiety generally causes you to overthink and fear most interactions.
Approach anxiety: More than nervousness and self-doubt
The root of the issue can stem from inexperience, low self-esteem, past negative experiences, or the overall inability to turn off racing thoughts. However, approach anxiety can be managed with some practice. You might try to avoid setting unrealistic expectations, keep the situation in perspective, and remember that you have inherent value that will not change based on the results of the conversation you’re able to have. Working with an online therapist can also be helpful in increasing self-esteem and learning strategies to alleviate approach anxiety.
Why do we feel approach anxiety?
Approach anxiety can be a normal human response to a situation we deem to be high-pressured. It typically occurs when we overthink the potential outcome of an interaction and blow it out of proportion in our minds. The fear of the unknown can be a great motivator to do and—in the case of approach anxiety—to not do certain things. Therefore, we may be closing ourselves off to potentially life-changing connections by listening to the emotional side of our brain versus the rational one. We tend to be hardwired to believe that first impressions are everything, even if that’s not necessarily true.
Approach anxiety is self-created
Approach anxiety tends to be a self-created phenomenon. It can be a psychological barrier we’ve put in place. This can mean that because we’re the ones who create it, we may also be able to stop or overcome it. Psychological hurdles may only become real if we allow them to do so. When we feel approach anxiety, our irrational brains are usually assuming the worst possible outcome of a situation. We may be letting our insecurities and nervousness be the guiding narrators of our story.
Getting to the root of approach anxiety is often an important step in eliminating this anxiety. If you are struggling with low self-esteem, it may be possible that the negative self-talk you’re engaging in could be causing you to believe that you are not interesting enough, good-looking enough, or worthy to form a connection with a love interest.
You may have gone through a past relationship that ended poorly, or you may struggle to realize that each interaction generally needs to be taken for what it is, rather than applying past situations to the present. Regardless of the reason, there may be tangible skills you can implement to address this issue so you can greatly reduce or overcome approach anxiety symptoms.
Eliminating approach anxiety
Approach anxiety may be controlled through rational thinking. Before we go into a situation that might trigger this anxiety, we should generally ask ourselves what evidence we have that suggests this interaction will be terrible.
There usually don’t need to be any sort of expectations when you first meet someone. Being mindful and living in the moment can help you address your anxiety as well as manage your expectations. There can be a lot of advice that focuses on removing approach anxiety as a psychological obstacle, but in reality, approach anxiety may not be a problem. Approach anxiety will likely be a part of our lives for the duration—it may not be something you fully overcome.
We may still feel nervous about things we’ve done thousands of times, and this may be no different when starting conversations with new people. Being anxious isn’t necessarily a negative thing. In most cases, it is simply an emotion we feel. One might argue that being nervous about something often means you care, and it can be viewed in a positive light. However, the behavior that we engage in because of our anxiety is usually what can become problematic.
When we feel approach anxiety, we tend to overestimate our value. The interaction that will take place between you and your chosen person will likely be just that—a brief interaction. When the interaction ceases, you and the other person will probably continue with your lives, regardless of the outcome. If we pump up these interactions in our minds, we’ll likely feel as if they’re much more momentous than they are. While rejection doesn’t necessarily feel good, it can make us stronger to see that we can be okay and continue our lives in the unlikely event that the worst-case scenario occurs.
There are usually more reasons to converse with someone new than there are to avoid them. Once we realize our fears are likely unnecessary, it may allow us to become more confident in ourselves. Approach anxiety may rear its head from time to time, but try to understand that it can be perfectly normal and work around it instead of judging yourself harshly for not being able to “get over it”. When you first meet someone, they’re not necessarily rejecting you, because they likely don’t even know you. Your value as a person is not typically based on a brief interaction that you have with someone.
Gain your confidence: Getting professional help with approach anxiety
Takeaway
The fear of approaching women or men and starting conversations can be referred to as approach anxiety. This type of anxiety tends to be a self-created phenomenon that puts unnecessary pressure on the situation and can arise from low self-esteem. You may be able to manage approach anxiety by keeping the situation in perspective, avoiding setting unrealistic expectations, and remembering that you have inherent value as a human being, regardless of how the conversation goes. You may also wish to connect with an online therapist to discover more personalized methods of managing approach anxiety. Take the first step toward overcoming approach anxiety and contact BetterHelp today.
Does everyone have approach anxiety during a social interaction?
Many experience a certain level of what some call “approach anxiety,” or the anxiety you feel when you approach a stranger in bars or coffee shops to talk to them and interact. This can affect people in dating scenarios, friendship situations, and even professional contexts. Approaching someone you don’t know can be vulnerable and feel uncomfortable, so even those with strong social skills may sometimes experience anxiety, making it challenging to feel comfortable in this situation.
How do I approach an attractive woman without fear and anxiety?
First, it can be helpful to manage your expectations. Wishing to approach women, guys, or other people—either romantically, professionally, or as friends—while feeling zero fear or anxiety may not be realistic. Instead, you might work on ways to manage feelings of anxiety and build skills that allow you to strike up a conversation with someone even while you’re experiencing those emotions. Building quality connections with new people, such as more women, usually requires respect, authenticity, and some vulnerability rather than perfection.
How do I control my anxiety when talking to and making eye contact with a girl or guy?
When people talk, making eye contact can be a key way to show you’re engaged and interested in them and the conversation. Making eye contact and conversation with someone new can feel like diving into the deep end for people with anxiety, and symptoms like a rapid heartbeat, a dry mouth, and trembling hands could result, interfering the ability to relax and have fun. To help reduce these feelings and symptoms in the moment, you might take a calming deep breath and even tell the other person that you’re feeling a bit anxious. They’ll often either say they’re feeling the same and/or aim to help you feel more comfortable.
How do you deal with social anxiety in the moment?
Taking a deep breath is often proposed as a remedy for feeling anxiety in a stressful social situation. It can also be helpful to imagine a relaxing scene. Remembering that most people have felt social anxiety at some time or another and that the person you’re speaking to right now might even feel that way could help, too. You might also consider naming your anxiety out loud to your new connections. While it can feel nerve-wracking, it may help the other person understand where you’re coming from and anxiety could even be a point of connection for you both.
How do you get someone with anxiety to small talk without hesitation?
The journey toward being able to engage in conversation with less anxiety is usually an individual one. A person may have to learn coping mechanisms and address underlying fears, which no one else can do for them—although a therapist may help reframe unhelpful thinking patterns that influence their mindset. If you have a loved one with anxiety, it’s usually helpful to be as supportive and empathetic as possible by asking what they need and respecting their boundaries and limits.
How do you deal with anxiety without talking to someone?
In general, symptoms of an anxiety disorder won’t resolve on their own without talking to a professional like a therapist. For nonclinical feelings of anxiety, it may help to adopt healthy coping mechanisms such as deep breathing and meditation, avoid or limit caffeine, and create a healthy sleep schedule. If you find you’re still having trouble managing these feelings, it could be a sign of a diagnosable anxiety disorder, in which case seeking professional support is generally recommended.
How do you talk to someone who doesn't understand anxiety?
To talk to someone who doesn’t understand anxiety, it might help to start by asking them what makes them feel worried or nervous. Even if they don’t experience anxiety, most people have felt a similar type of discomfort at some point, which may help them understand your experience. You could also describe the types of situations that make you anxious, why they do, and what physical symptoms you experience in these cases.
How do you live with someone with anxiety?
If you have a loved one with anxiety, taking time to talk and figure out how you can best support them may be helpful. Some people appreciate reassurance when they voice their anxious thoughts, while others prefer to sort through it on their own with support but without input from their loved one. Everyone is different, so getting feedback directly from a particular individual can be important in the process of supporting someone with anxiety.
How do I overcome approach anxiety?
Many men talk about “approach anxiety” when it comes to meeting women, but this feeling can affect anyone of any gender or sexual orientation. Finding a way to overcome social anxiety or approach anxiety completely might not be a realistic goal, since it’s normal to feel some level of nervousness when approaching someone you don't know—whether you’re networking for a job or trying to get a date.
With self-esteem building strategies, support from a therapist for sharpening your social skills, and tricks like deep breathing to help you feel calmer in the moment, it may be possible to reduce your approach anxiety to a more manageable level. You could also focus on events and settings where approaching a new person isn’t necessary—for example, a speed dating event rather than a crowded bar.
How can I stop being scared of approaching people?
Approaching people can be an anxiety-inducing task for many, potentially influencing how they act and feel. This could be due to what has happened when trying to approach someone in the past, social anxiety disorder, or general nervousness. Regardless, it will typically take practice, time, and patience to eventually get to a place where your anxiety around approaching people or talking to strangers is more manageable. Remembering that everyone gets nervous, knowing that meeting people you click with is just a numbers game, and using calming techniques to help release tension before entering a social situation can all be helpful, as can meeting with a therapist for additional support. Managing expectations can be important too: It will typically take more than a week or a month to make meaningful changes in your social skills and anxiety symptoms, but significant improvement is possible.
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