How Does Anxious Attachment Work And What Does It Mean For Mental Health?

According to attachment theory, the relationship that a child forms with their primary caregivers can affect how they connect with others later in life, in what is called an “attachment style.”

When the parent and child form an unhealthy bond or attachment, the child can carry this pattern with them from infancy through childhood and into their adult social interactions and intimate relationships as well. There are four attachment styles that are generally regarded in this theory based on the strange situation experiment: secure, avoidant, disorganized, and anxious. 

In this article, we’ll dissect the anxious attachment style, how it works, and possible implications for a person’s mental health as they mature and develop adult relationships. We’ll also explore coping strategies that may make anxious attachment easier to manage, and how working with a therapist may help you develop a healthier attachment style.  

What is anxious attachment?

Anxious attachment vs. other attachment styles

Anxious attachment is often characterized by feelings of insecurity in relationships, a fear of abandonment, and low self-esteem. This is distinct from other attachment patterns, such as:

• Secure attachment: People with a secure attachment style are able to form trusting, healthy, and secure relationships built on communication and healthy boundaries. 
• Avoidant attachment: People who grew up with distant or excessively tough parents may struggle to trust others, form close relationships, and be intimate and vulnerable.
• Fearful avoidant attachment: People who were threatened, frightened, or traumatized by their caregivers as children may waver between a desire for attachment and distance in their relationships. (This attachment style is also known as “disorganized attachment.”)

Signs and effects of inconsistent parenting

Inconsistent caregiving is often a key factor in anxious attachment. Understanding anxious attachment style involves understanding how this parenting pattern may affect a child’s well-being and approach to relationships. 

An inconsistent parenting style is, by definition, inconsistent and unpredictable. Parents may behave in a way that is nurturing, loving, and responsive in some instances, but insensitive, intrusive, or harmful to their child’s well-being in others. 

As a result, the child may be uncertain of what they are going to get from their parent when they seek out care or attention. This unpredictability can be taxing on the nervous system, making it difficult to relax in the present moment and activating a fight-or-flight response in daily interactions. Unable to predict how a parent will react to their behavior, the child may develop a heightened sensitivity to perceived threats, as well as anxious attachment patterns (like needing constant reassurance and validation in their relationships). 

What anxious attachment can mean for the child: Anxiety around love and attention

As a result of these mixed signals from caregivers, and genetic factors in some cases, a child who develops an anxious attachment may distrust the parent and may feel suspicious—but at the same time, they may have an intrinsic need for care and emotional bonds. 

This can cause them to feel anxiety around love and attention. The child may then start to cling to their caregiver out of fear of abandonment even though they are not always comforted by being near them. They may be very focused on the caregiver to the exclusion of all else, and they may have a strong emotional reaction when the caregiver leaves. They may also exhibit aggressive behavior. 

Common signs and behaviors of anxious attachment

People with an anxious attachment style may experience a variety of symptoms and patterns in their behaviors and emotional experiences, ranging from low self-esteem to emotional over-dependence in relationships. For example, people with an anxious attachment style may:

• Hold strong negative beliefs about themselves
• Have a heightened sensitivity to perceived rejection or abandonment
• Experience frequent intense emotions that are difficult to manage
• Become overly dependent on others to help them handle their own feelings
• Seek constant reassurance from their partners

In the following sections, we’ll explore some of these patterns, including how they can manifest in relationships, in more detail. 

How anxious attachment shows up in adult relationships

Low self-worth and self-criticism

People with anxious or avoidant attachment styles may experience low self-worth and self-criticism. As a result, they may have negative thought patterns and feel that they are not good enough.

Inability to trust others

Anxious adults may feel as if they are unable to trust others, even in close relationships, because they have a deep fear of being rejected. Because of this fear, they may feel desperate to be in a relationship of any kind, whether or not it is secure. 

Anxiety resulting from anxious attachments

Whether it’s yours or your partner’s attachment style, when people with unhealthy adult attachments are in a romantic relationship, they may have high views of those they like, such as a partner, close friend, or even their parents. At the same time, they may have a very low opinion of themselves and their capabilities. They may also ignore their own needs to please their friends, partners, or parents, which lends to the mistrust and anxiety that stems from anxious attachments. 

Anxiously attached individuals often fear their partners becoming emotionally unavailable. They may be constantly looking for signs that they will be abandoned or that their partner does not care about them anymore— which can lead to feelings of unfulfillment in relationships. These unhealthy attachment behaviors can make it a struggle to engage in self-reflection or to separate past experiences from their current situation. They may also lack the communication skills needed to express their emotions in a healthy way, which can lead to further negative behavioral patterns and feelings of isolation or abandonment. 

When people with anxious attachment styles have so much life experience built up around a fear of abandonment or feeling unloved, they may subconsciously try to prove that they’re right and fall into relationship-ending behaviors, such as passive-aggressive treatment, fights, or, in the worst-case scenarios, cheating. A partner with a secure attachment style may struggle to understand their anxious partner’s fears and insecurities, creating tension and putting further strain on the relationship. 

While this outcome can seem bleak, it can be corrected with the use of supportive strategies (such as online therapy.) Your care team can help you to draw boundaries and shift your self-perspective to possibly develop a more securely attached style in many ways. 

Becoming a parent: How does anxious attachment fit in? 

Most of us might model the same behavior with our children as was modeled to us. 

What that can mean is someone who develops an anxious or disorganized attachment style in their childhood may be more likely to model that same behavior with their own children. The cycle may then continue on and on with each new generation of children until someone makes an effort to break the cycle and change their attachment style.

Responsibility of the parent

When you become a parent, you are generally responsible for your child’s life, someone who is dependent on you; for many, that can be a strong motivator to try to develop a healthier attachment style. They may feel as if they want to do what's best for their child, so they might work as hard as possible to better themselves and help instill a more secure attachment style in their child. 

We do want to note, however, that addressing these patterns can be easier said than done, and they can be difficult to tackle on your own. Simply becoming a parent and deciding that you're not going to act a certain way may not be enough for most to overcome what they've been through. That’s why online therapy, accountability support, and more can be so vital as a secure attachment style is sought.

Emotional impact and long-term effects of anxious attachment

Anxious attachment can have a range of long-term effects on the anxious person, their partners, and their relationships. Some examples include: 

• Difficulty forming healthy and fulfilling relationships
• Difficulty overcoming challenges from past relationships
• Difficulty building a support network
• Trouble managing feelings, especially feelings of rejection
• Chronic loneliness

Emerging research shows that anxious attachment may also have negative effects on mental health. For instance, a study conducted during the COVID-19 pandemic found an association between greater attachment anxiety and greater levels of anxiety and depression. 

Coping strategies for anxious attachment

While living with an anxious attachment style can be challenging, several strategies may make it easier to manage. For instance, individuals with anxious attachment styles may benefit from learning self-soothing techniques, which may help them manage their own feelings and ground their nervous system when faced with fears of abandonment. 

Other self-help strategies may also be helpful. If you’re struggling to manage anxious attachment, you might also benefit from:

• Learning to establish healthy boundaries in your relationships
• Building awareness of situations that make you feel uncomfortable, such as arguments or moments when your partner seems emotionally distant
• Noticing when you’re getting anxious and practicing grounding exercises, such as box breathing or progressive muscle relaxation
• Developing healthy coping strategies you can turn to in moments of insecurity, such as exercise, journaling, or mindfulness meditation
• Being open with your partner about the challenges you face related to attachment, without relying on them as your sole source of emotional support
• Learning about (and practicing) healthy communication strategies, like check-ins, active listening, and self-advocacy
• Being patient with yourself and recognizing that changing your relationship habits can be a long-term process

Getting help from a mental health professional: Seeking a secure attachment style

If you are trying to address your attachment style to develop healthier relationships or model healthier patterns for your child, speaking with a mental health professional may also be helpful. Dismantling lifelong relationship attachment patterns can be very difficult to do on your own, and a professional can work with you to help you unpack your experiences and develop healthier, more secure relationships moving forward. This may involve therapy, such as emotionally-focused therapy (EFT) or cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). Medication may also be helpful, depending on your situation and your prescriber’s recommendation. Talk to your primary health provider or seek a psychiatrist for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. 

In addition, child psychiatry may help to understand and assess what attachment style a child may have and how to address their emotional well-being and development.

Getting support through BetterHelp

Making time for therapy can be challenging, especially for parents with busy schedules and with young kids who can’t be left alone, or those who experience high levels of anxiety. With online therapy, you can meet with a therapist from the comfort of your home, which may feel more convenient for many parents than commuting to an office for an appointment. 

Plus, many peer-reviewed studies have found that online therapy can improve anxious attachment in many. One research study examined whether anxious and avoidant attachment styles improved during guided internet-based cognitive behavioral treatment (ICBT) for panic disorder. Its results suggested “that anxious attachment can improve in ICBT for panic disorder even though the focus of the treatment is not on interpersonal relationships.”