Seven Signs Of Manipulative Behavior
Manipulative behavior isn’t always easy to spot and manipulation tactics can often be quite subtle and target weak spots. Sometimes the signs aren’t easy to detect, and other times it might be obvious that someone is trying to take advantage of you, but it still may be difficult to stop manipulation from happening. Manipulative behavior refers to tactics used to influence or control others in a deceptive or indirect manner, often exploiting vulnerabilities to achieve personal gain. This article will detail some of the many signs that you may be dealing with a manipulative person and how you can find help.
What is manipulative behavior?
Many people experience emotional manipulation. For an emotional manipulator, the goal is often to gain control over another person’s feelings or to cause emotional chaos through coercive control. Manipulators may have subtle ways of controlling a person, causing them to question their own sanity.
Depending on the personality type of a manipulator they manipulate in different ways. The signs of emotional manipulation in its many forms include:
Guilt-tripping
The first, and possibly the most frequent, tactic that manipulative people use is intentionally making you feel guilty, even over the most inconsequential things.
You may find that no matter what you do, they will always find a way to guilt trip you and make you feel bad or like a huge burden. This tactic is also designed to make you respond a certain way or feel responsible for something negative, and according to psychiatrist Judith Orloff M.D., it preys on your “desire to please them and be a good person.” [1]
Guilt-tripping can also be verbal or non-verbal, and often takes a passive-aggressive tone. Here’s an example:
Sarah comes home from a long day of work and only wants to relax. She sits down with her husband, who is watching TV. Sarah asks her husband, “Did you make dinner?” Her husband replies, “No, I thought you were going to make it; you’re a better cook after all.” He frowns and continues, “If you love me, you will make us dinner.”
Sarah then feels down, and despite not wanting to cook today, she feels obligated to make her husband happy, and does what he wants. A guilt trip like this is emotionally manipulating for Sarah and may cause her to question her role in the relationship.
This is just one of many possible examples, and guilt-tripping can show itself in many ways including passive aggression so be aware and analyze the situation – do they try to make you feel guilty?
The victim card
Manipulative people don’t often own up to their mistakes or wrongdoings. If it isn’t someone else’s fault, manipulative people often will find an excuse as to why it is, and it can be compelling. There is rarely any sense of accountability. This is because some manipulators may experience the two types of narcissism, grandiose and vulnerable narcissism. Grandiose narcissists feel self-entitled and have a sense of superiority while vulnerable narcissists may feel entitled but are usually anxious or nervous in nature. Both grandiose and vulnerable narcissists may manipulate others.
Another related issue is that these individuals will often play the role of a martyr. Historically, a martyr is someone who suffers or dies for their beliefs or a cause, but it can also be used more figuratively.
Martyrdom can be similar to guilt-tripping in many ways, too. For instance, if a manipulative person asks for your help with something, and you reply, “I can, but just not right this minute,” they may say, perhaps with a sigh or groan, “Oh, it’s fine, I’ll take care of it. I’ll remember this whenever you need something; I might not be available for you then.”
If you happen to catch this form of manipulation and try to point out this behavior to them, they will then try to make you seem like a bad person and feel guilty. Even worse, sometimes they might try to make it look like it’s all in your head and that you’re just imagining things.
The silent treatment
Another common strategy that manipulative people will employ to emotionally manipulate is the silent treatment. Typically used when people are upset, these individuals will deliberately use it to get a certain response out of you.
By ignoring your calls, texts, and emails, they want you to keep running back and beg for their attention.
When they don’t respond, it can create negative emotions like anxiety and doubt.
For example, many thoughts may race in your head, such as “Did I make things worse?” or “I hope they don’t hate me.”
Manipulators want you to feel this way, so that when they eventually respond back, you have good feelings, like a sense of relief. It’s a way for them to have control over your emotions and well-being.
One-upping
Have you ever tried to express a complaint or concern about something to a friend, co-worker, or spouse, and instead of getting advice or comfort you receive a message that your situation is nothing and that they’ve had it worse? If so, you might be interacting with a manipulative person.
Emotional manipulators will try to do things like marginalizing, undermining, or belittling anything that you bring up to them, no matter how severe the issue is. Usually, the goal for this type of tactic is either to guilt-trip you into feeling bad or siphon all the attention, or they merely want you to stop talking.
After all, it’s usually all about them.
Try to recall the last time you were genuinely being listened to by this individual. If it has been too far between, or possibly never, you might be being manipulated.
Kissing-up
In contrast to many of the previous signs, which are meant to make people feel bad, one sign of manipulative behavior actually involves the opposite.
Those who are skilled in using emotional manipulation will often try to make you feel great about yourself and shower you with praises and make you feel like you are the most important person in the world. They may eagerly agree with everything that you say to get what they want or to enter your inner circle of trust.
However, this is disingenuous, and they are just telling you what they think you want to hear. It can get you to put your guard down and make you more willing to do what they ask of you.
Unfortunately, once they’ve gotten what they want out of you, a manipulator may flip the switch and seem disinterested in you or make you feel awful about yourself. This type of behavior can damage your self-esteem.
They might lie to get out of something that they did. For example, they’ll insist that it never happened and that you are paranoid, or they might convince you that you did something wrong, when, in fact, it never occurred to begin with. This is known as gaslighting, and it can also involve twisting your words around or making up stories that cause you to question and doubt yourself. [2]
Sometimes, it can happen over the smallest things. For example, the person who manipulates may try to tell you that you forgot to lock the door when deep down, you know that you did. Then the next day, they will try to tell you that you forgot to do it again, even though you made absolutely sure that you did.
Other forms of manipulative behavior
Someone skilled at manipulating will know exactly what pushes your buttons and won’t hesitate to do that if they feel like it will coax a response from you or get you to feel down about yourself.
An excellent example of this is pointing out the eating habits of someone who feels sensitive about their weight. They might also let them know that their clothes don’t fit properly.
Manipulative people will often look for your weaknesses and exploit them when it suits them most, or they can do it frequently to make it seem like there is always something wrong with you.
They may want you to feel insecure, question yourself, and rely on them for validation. With these criticisms, there are also often not any solutions as there really isn’t any intention from the manipulative person to improve anything. Rather, they are there to keep you down and make themselves feel like they have power and control over you. That’s not to say a manipulative person cannot change – they absolutely can. Just make sure that their actions back up any spoken desire to change or improve the relationship.
Are you being manipulated? Therapy can help
If you’re doubting yourself or experiencing low self-esteem as a result of narcissistic personality traits, therapy has been proven to improve self-esteem. It can also help with interpersonal skills, like learning how to be more assertive and set boundaries to put some emotional distance in between you and your manipulator. When you establish boundaries you can take a step back and see the big picture.
The efficacy of online therapy for narcissistic personality disorder
Manipulation can take a toll on your self-esteem, can feel like emotional blackmail, and is a surefire way to destroy a relationship. In some cases, it can also be considered abuse. If you’re doubting yourself or experiencing low self-esteem as a result of manipulation, therapy has been proven to improve self-esteem. It can also help with interpersonal skills, like learning how to be more assertive and set boundaries to put some emotional distance in between you and your manipulator. When you establish boundaries you can take a step back and see the big picture.
If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.
Nowadays, you no longer need to physically commute to a therapist’s office, thanks to platforms like BetterHelp which offer online therapy. Online therapy has proven just as effective as in-person therapy in treating mental health conditions, plus it’s more convenient and often more affordable.
Counseling from BetterHelp can help you through your specific situation and provide you with advice on what to do going forward.
Takeaway
Noticing the signs of manipulative behavior can be difficult. However, there are some telltale signs to look for if you believe that you’re being taken advantage of. It feels awful, and it can be challenging to accept that perhaps someone you care for deeply is manipulating you but recognizing the common features of this type of behavior is the first step to getting help and improving your situation.
How can you tell if a person is manipulative?
It can be challenging to tell when a person is being manipulative. By its nature, manipulation is often deceptive and underhanded; it is important that manipulators do not reveal their true motives. However, concealing manipulative behavior often comes with its own challenges. If you can see an ulterior motive in someone’s behavior, it is possible that their true intentions are not entirely hidden.
It is likely easier to protect yourself from manipulation than it is to try and identify every manipulator in your life. While every person who tries to manipulate you will have an ulterior motive guiding their behavior, not every person who approaches you will have ill intentions. You will be approached in good faith by people who could potentially manipulate you, and incorrectly identifying them as manipulators could be harmful.
What is an example of a manipulative person?
A manipulative person will typically use deceitful tactics and unhealthy communication patterns to mislead the person they are trying to manipulate. They often attempt to make you question your judgment and may misrepresent information. The tactics used in manipulation are based on deceit and dishonesty, and a manipulative person is usually comfortable lying to you and others to achieve their goal.
It is important to distinguish between manipulation and influence. Influence is not inherently positive or negative, while manipulation is usually negative. For example, consider an employer who is open with their team, presents well-reasoned arguments, and leverages their leadership position to make changes that benefit their employees. This person will likely use openness and honesty to gain buy-in and acceptance from their team, influencing the team through positivity.
In contrast, consider a manipulative employer. They regularly withhold information from some or all of their employees, downplay employee achievements, and tacitly encourage team members to be critical of each other. The employer can manipulate - or negatively influence - their employees by lowering their self-esteem and discouraging communication, which allows the employer to maintain control.
What causes people to exhibit manipulative behavior?
Ultimately, a manipulative person’s behavior is intended to change the thoughts and behavior of others to achieve a goal. However, there are positive and negative ways to accomplish this. Positive methods of gaining acceptance from another are usually referred to as “influence,” while negative methods are typically referred to as “manipulation.” Whether or not someone will be manipulative largely depends on whether they have the skills to influence someone positively or if they must resort to manipulative tactics. Personality disorders may also play a role, as manipulation has been associated with some mental conditions.
Is manipulation a sign of narcissistic personality disorder?
While evidence suggests that any personality type can potentially manipulate others, there are certain personality traits that predict a higher likelihood of using manipulative strategies. Evidence indicates that those with high emotional intelligence, while also possessing a grandiose sense of self, are more likely to use manipulative techniques. Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to perceive the emotions of others and control one’s own emotions.
High levels of emotional intelligence can contribute to both positive and negative styles of influence, but the addition of narcissistic, self-serving beliefs makes it more likely that negative, manipulative methods will be used. This may be why manipulation is often associated with a personality disorder, like narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder, although manipulative behavior alone is not a mental illness. While those disorders are treatable, they typically require more mental health resources than some other conditions.
How do people engage in emotional manipulation?
Many behaviors are associated with manipulation primarily due to inconsistent definitions of what constitutes a manipulation tactic. Generally, “manipulation” refers to negative, dishonest behaviors undertaken to achieve a goal. Some common manipulative behaviors are described below:
- Superficial charm. Manipulators want you to like them; likeability is strongly associated with persuasion and influence. Manipulators may also use charm to coerce you into doing things you don’t want to do. They may offer false praise, small favors, or public recognition to obtain your acceptance.
- Comparisons to others. A manipulator may negatively compare you to others, increasing your self-doubt and lowering your assertiveness. They may also compare you to a nonexistent “ideal” entity, such as when an employer describes how a person differs from the perfect employee. Manipulators may also use passive-aggressive behavior to communicate shortcomings or unworthiness.
- Misinformation. A manipulator may fabricate or twist information to alter how you perceive them or others around you. They might spread rumors, encourage dislike of another person, or provide you with incorrect practical knowledge. Manipulators may also encourage you to maintain secrecy or otherwise deceive others.
- Lies of omission. While manipulators are not above fabricating outright lies, lies of omission are likely much more common. A manipulator may withhold some or all details to change how you perceive a person or situation. They will probably tell you only what supports their goals.
How do you expose a manipulator?
Before exposing a manipulator, be sure that you understand the potential impacts of doing so. There may be unintentional consequences associated with exposing a manipulator, especially if there is a power imbalance, such as those in many professional relationships. For example, if you know that your boss is manipulative, be sure that you are protected from potential retribution before exposing them. Often, it is more helpful to protect yourself against manipulation than it is to expose the manipulator.
If you do intend to expose a manipulator, it is likely best to do so through a small confrontation in a public setting. It is important that the manipulator not be able to refute you when you call them out. When pointing out manipulation, be polite and courteous. Consider framing the exposure as concern for another person or as an intent to deliver the best result possible.
What are manipulators good at?
Evidence suggests that manipulators tend to be good at reading the emotions of others. A manipulator likely uses their ability to “read the room” to choose how and when to employ manipulative strategies. It should be noted that high emotional intelligence - or a strong ability to regulate one’s own behavior and read other’s emotions - can be used for both positive influence and negative manipulation.
Evidence suggests that a personality that combines high emotional intelligence with a grandiose sense of self and a willingness to disregard the well-being of others is likely to lead to manipulative behavior.
What are the 4 stages of manipulation?
The four stages of manipulation are commonly used to describe manipulation that occurs in romantic relationships, but it may also apply to other interpersonal relationships as well:
- Targeting. The manipulator assesses the strengths and weaknesses of a potential target to determine if they can be manipulated and which strategies will work best.
- Flattery and charm. The manipulator initially presents a caring and kind demeanor. This instills a sense of trust in the person they are trying to manipulate.
- Isolation. Once the manipulator has won their victim's trust, they attempt to reduce the influence of others as much as possible.
- Devaluing. When the person being manipulated can't acquire support networks or other positive influences, the manipulator begins to lower their self-esteem. They may make backhanded compliments, use cruel humor, or directly insult their abilities.
What types of people are easy to manipulate?
The people most easy to manipulate tend to have low self-efficacy and struggle to advocate for themselves. The following traits are commonly found in those who are most susceptible to manipulation:
- Immaturity. People with a naive or idealistic worldview tend to believe that manipulative behavior is exceedingly rare and may deny that they are being manipulated, even if the evidence is clear.
- Over-conscientiousness. If someone routinely holds themselves to very high standards, they may inadvertently be willing to give the benefit of the doubt to a manipulator while critically examining their own actions.
- Low self-esteem. Those who struggle with self-doubt and lack confidence are easy targets for manipulators due to their relative lack of self-assertiveness.
- Over-intellectualization. Some people believe that others only do harmful things, like manipulation, when they have a legitimate, understandable reason. They may search for a reason to justify a manipulator’s behavior.
- Emotional dependency. The more dependent on approval and validation a person is, the more vulnerable they are to exploitation and manipulation.
How do you improve your mental health after manipulation?
Beating a manipulator is often best achieved through self-improvement rather than directly confronting or exposing the manipulative party. Minimizing your vulnerability to manipulation may not achieve the same sense of justice as exposing a manipulator directly, but it can prevent the negative effects of manipulation from impacting you and make you less likely to be targeted in the future. Shielding yourself from the other person’s behavior may help guard against retaliation.
One of the best ways to protect yourself against manipulation is to improve your self-esteem. Having a strong sense of self-worth makes it easier to assert yourself and notice when you are being manipulated. It will also likely help you manage confrontations with a manipulator, if necessary. You will also likely find it easier to recognize emotional manipulation and defend yourself against it.
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