How Can “Eggshell Parenting” Be Harmful To Child Mental Health?

A parent’s ability to regulate their own emotions can affect the household environment and the emotional well-being of their child. Caregivers who have trouble with emotional regulation may act and react in inconsistent ways, which can make their child feel like they’re “walking on eggshells” in an unpredictable environment. Below is an overview of “eggshell parenting,” why it develops, how it affects the mental health of children, and how therapy can help both eggshell parents and their children heal.

What does the term “eggshell parenting” mean?

The term “eggshell parenting” was popularized by a psychologist on TikTok. It refers to an unintentional parenting style that makes a child feel that they must always be “walking on eggshells.” In other words, the child learns that they must tread carefully with their words and actions in order to keep their parent(s) or caregiver(s) happy, as past inconsistent behaviors have made it difficult to know what mood the parent will be in next. Eggshell parents often have trouble maintaining their own emotional stability, demonstrating significant mood shifts even during routine activities and changing rules, expectations, and the mood of the household without warning.

For example, a parent who is stressed or triggered and experiencing emotional dysregulation might scold their child for watching TV after school, when they had previously told them they could watch their favorite show when they got home. Or, a caregiver might pick their child up from sports practice with a hug and a smile, only to lose their temper at the traffic on the way home and direct that anger at the child a few minutes later. In some cases, eggshell parenting may be considered emotional abuse.

Why some parents develop the eggshell style

An eggshell parent may have difficulty with emotional control for a number of reasons. They may:

• Be living with a mental illness (like depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder, substance use disorder, or another condition) 
• Be experiencing very high stress levels
• Have experienced eggshell parenting from their own caregivers
• Have lacked dependable emotional support in their own childhood
• Have experienced significant and/or ongoing trauma in their life, coupled with a lack of support in navigating these events

For these reasons, addressing mental health challenges and trauma with professional support is often the path toward healing and growth for eggshell parents.

Signs of eggshell parenting 

There are signs you can look for to help determine whether you might have an eggshell parenting style. Simply becoming stressed or frustrated at times does not necessarily mean you’re developing this style. Instead, eggshell parenting typically means creating an ongoing environment of unpredictability and fear, which can look like:

• Showing unpredictable emotions
• Having strong emotional reactions to minor situations
• Having inconsistent rules and boundaries
• Regularly using the silent treatment and emotional withdrawal as punishment
• Setting extremely or even impossibly high standards for your child

Eggshell parenting vs. other parenting styles

Like “bubble parenting” and “snowplow parenting,” “eggshell parenting” is a term that originated on social media rather than in psychological research. However, it can have some overlap with other, more well-known parenting styles from the literature. 

Eggshell parenting tends to fall under the umbrella of authoritarian parenting, which is when “the parent or caregiver stresses obedience, deemphasizes collaboration and dialogue, and employs strong forms of punishment.” Since authoritarian parenting can lead to negative behavioral and mental health outcomes in children, eggshell parents may want to work on moving toward a more authoritative parenting styleinstead, where “the parent or caregiver encourages a child’s autonomy yet still places certain limitations on behavior.”

How eggshell parenting can impact a child or teen

Strong emotions in a parent and no pattern for predicting them can have serious impacts on a child’s emotional and mental health. It may sometimes reach the level of emotional abuse, potentially leading to lasting trauma. 

As a result of living in this type of household, a child or teen may experience:

• Hypervigilance
• Emotional dysregulation
• Physical symptoms of anxiety or stress (such as frequent stomach aches, headaches, difficulty sleeping)
• Difficulty sharing thoughts or feelings with the parent or with anyone
• Difficulty developing self-awareness and identity
• Low self-trust and low self-esteem
• Impaired emotional development
• A lack of healthy boundaries with the parent or others

The effects of eggshell parenting on children as they grow up

Eggshell parenting can have a negative impact on a child’s well-being, and this impact can follow them into adulthood. Most people who are the product of eggshell parenting tend to be at higher risk of anxiety, depression, and other mental health challenges. Depending on the situation, they may also be at risk of developing complex post-traumatic stress disorder (c-PTSD) from repeated emotional trauma from their eggshell parent. 

Unresolved issues and traumas from this type of childhood can also show up in an adult’s own relationships later in life. Since many children of eggshell parents experience “parentification,” or the need or pressure to provide emotional support to their caregiver in a developmentally inappropriate way, they may have trouble developing healthy boundaries with others. They may also have difficulty building and maintaining healthy relationships in general due to low self-esteem and an insecure attachment style. 

How an eggshell parenting style can be passed down through generations

Another consideration is that this type of parenting style can have a cyclical effect. Research published in 2022 suggests that parenting styles can be passed on from one generation to another. In other words, a child with eggshell parents may grow up with the same emotional instability that their caregivers did, and therefore engage in eggshell parenting themselves. Breaking the cycle can be difficult but is often possible with consistent effort and the right type of support.

Breaking the eggshell parenting cycle

Even if you were raised by eggshell parents or notice certain tendencies in yourself, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are doomed to repeat the cycle. In many cases, parenting styles can be changed with time, support, and effort. Here are some strategies you can use to start moving away from eggshell parenting: 

• Reflect to develop self-awareness. The first step is to become aware of the way you interact with your child and others and where you might need to make changes. Recognizing eggshell parenting tendencies can lead to taking action toward changing these behaviors. 
• Build emotional regulation and stress management skills. Emotional dysregulation is at the core of eggshell parenting. Building skills in this area (through techniques like cognitive reframing, grounding exercises, and mindfulness) can be key.
• Repair relationships. Working on improving your relationship with your child or children will take time but is crucial. You might apologize and name the behavior you’re working to change when it appears (“Sorry I raised my voice at you; that’s never okay and I’m working on that”) and make an effort to offer them positive words and comfort more consistently.

Helping your child feel safe and secure

In addition to addressing the emotional difficulties that lead to eggshell parenting, it can be crucial to take steps to help a child heal and feel safe and supported at home. Some strategies include:

• Create strong and healthy boundaries. Kids with eggshell parents often become fearful because they don’t know what to expect. By setting clear boundaries and expectations, you can provide a more stable and predictable environment. 
• Practice patience and non-judgment. It may help to talk to your child often about how they are feeling and about what is going on in their life. You might practice speaking calmly and positively without judging their decisions. This can take time, but rebuilding trust with your child may be possible.
• Offer positive comments. If you find that you’ve been overly critical in the past, it may help to take some time to honestly praise your child for their efforts and positive qualities and take care to not rescind or contradict them when you’re feeling dysregulated later. 

How therapy can support parents and adult children

Therapy can be an impactful tool for helping parents and adult children alike build constructive skills and work toward healing. For eggshell parents, therapy can help them uncover the root of their parenting tendencies, address any pain or trauma from their own childhood, and develop skills for emotional regulation. 

For adult children of eggshell parents, therapy can also be a place of healing. A therapist can offer a safe space to openly share experiences, process emotions and any trauma, and work toward healthy relationship skills like boundary-setting, vulnerability, and honest communication. In some cases, family therapy with both the parent and the child may also be helpful, though it may not be feasible or the right choice in every scenario.

The advantages of online therapy

Compared to traveling to in-person sessions each week, online individual therapy can be a more convenient way to get support for long-term healing. With a platform like BetterHelp, you can meet with a licensed therapist remotely from home, via video, phone, or live chat. This format may make it feel easier to open up to your provider, since you can engage from the comfort of home. 

Also, studies suggest that online therapy can often be just as effective as in-person therapy, so you can typically choose the format that works best for your needs. It tends to be more affordable than in-person therapy without insurance as well, making it an accessible care option for many. BetterHelp therapy costs less than the average in-person session without insurance, and some BetterHelp therapists now accept select insurance plans (state-limited). HSA/FSA cards are also an accepted form of payment. For qualifying non-insurance users, financial aid is available.

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