Dating After College: Tips for Building Healthy Relationships
Post-college dating often comes with unique challenges that recent grads may be surprised to encounter. In college, meeting someone can seem straightforward. With groups, classes, and social activities on- and off-campus, there may be plenty of opportunities to meet like-minded people.
Why dating can feel harder after college
After college, though, meeting people can require more effort, and you may have fewer opportunities to do so. In fact, about 75% of single people say it’s difficult to find people to date.
Figuring out how to meet people while working your first full-time job and taking on more responsibilities can result in a sense of pressure and anxiety. It can be helpful to speak to a therapist if you’re overwhelmed by the prospect of dating after college or if you struggle to form healthy relationships.
Why dating felt a lot easier in college
Dating feels a lot easier for young college students because college is built for community interaction. No matter what your interest, you can easily find a group of people who share it.
What changes after graduating
Graduation is the start of a whole new world. Gone are the social safety nets of community-based activities, sports, and clubs. After graduation, you join the real world. You will have to search out your own niches within your community, find activities and groups to join, and create your own social network. Many adults can find this transition difficult, and may find it hard to meet people outside of work.
Resetting expectations: there is no “right way” to date
When dating after college, rethink your own expectations toward the dating process. You may be afraid to dive in because you’re unsure of the rules, but the truth is that there is no wrong way to date. Over time, your ideas about relationships and dating may change. Don’t stress out over perceived ideas of what is “normal” or “real” dating, but rather date in a way that works for you.
Consider what you want in a relationship
When dating after college, it can be helpful to consider what you want out of a relationship. One of the first things you should decide may be whether you’re interested in a long-term, serious relationship or are looking for something more casual. You should also determine if you want to be exclusive with one person or if you are open to dating multiple people or having multiple committed partners.
Once you have a better idea of the type of relationship you’d like, ask yourself the following questions:
- What qualities or traits are you looking for in a partner?
- Do you have any non-starters or deal-breakers?
- What has worked for you in past relationships?
- What hasn’t worked for you in past relationships?
- What are your values and beliefs?
- What are your red flags, and what are you doing to work on them?
- Are you happy with yourself?
What you want from a relationship will likely affect who you date. For example, if you’re looking for someone with whom to build a long-term relationship and know that you want to get married and have children, you may look for someone with different traits than if you want something more casual. Use your best judgment to determine the path that is right for you, or talk to a therapist or those who know you well for further insight.
Let go of timeline pressure
Remember, there are no rules for dating after college. Whatever you decide you want may be okay as long as you and those you are dating are safe and happy. Especially in today’s world, there are no expectations for young people on when they should be “settling down”. That said, remember that being on the same page as the people you’re dating about things like commitment, exclusivity, and expectations can be helpful.
How to expand the dating pool after college
A significant change that some people may experience after college is having to put more effort into finding like-minded people. In college, you may have been around a lot of people who shared the same interests as you, whether that was through associating with other people in your major or in clubs or groups that you joined.
Community first strategy
After college, if you want to meet people, including people to date, you may need to make an effort to put yourself out there and expand your circle of friends. Don’t focus so much on dating itself, rather make community-building your goal, understanding that by expanding your world, you will improve your chances of meeting potential romantic partners.
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Places to meet people that aren’t just bars
If you’re having a hard time meeting new people, here are some things you can try:
- Spend time doing things you enjoy.The more time you spend doing activities you enjoy, the more likely you may be to meet someone with common interests. For example, if you love physical activity, strike up a conversation with someone you met at the gym or join an intramural sports league. If you love to read, join a book club or go to a reading at your local bookstore.
- Be open to meeting friends of friends.Ask your friends if they know of anyone you might be interested in dating. If they want to set you up with someone, give it a try. Being open to new experiences can be an effective way to meet new people.
- Try a dating app. Many dating apps enable you to find people you may otherwise not have had the chance to meet.
- Ask someone out.If there is someone in whom you are interested, whether it’s the man you see every morning at the bus stop or the woman you bump into on your mid-day coffee run, make the first move and ask them out. If they say no, remember that it doesn’t mean anything about your value as a human being. Learning to handle rejection can be valuable when dating after college.
Dating skills that help relationships last after college
Once you find someone you’re attracted to and interested in dating, the following strategies may help you build a successful relationship.
Communicate early and clearly
Communication tends to be a fundamental part of successful relationships. It can help you become more connected to your partner and work through any challenges you face together.
One tip for improving communication is to clearly tell your partner what you need. No one can read your mind, so you shouldn’t make your partner guess or expect them to know what you need or what you’re thinking.
Good communication usually also involves being an active listener. When talking to your partner, be present. Put away your phone and give them your full attention. Try to listen without judgment, attempting to understand the other person’s point of view even though you might disagree with it. Ask questions to help you understand them better, but don’t interrupt. Wait until they are finished talking before you respond.
Healthy conflicts and expectations
All couples may fight sometimes, but there are techniques you can use to fight productively and fairly without causing unnecessary pain during any decision-making process.
When you are in the heat of the moment, take a deep breath and think before saying anything. When tensions are high, you may be tempted to say something hurtful that will likely only worsen things. Avoid personal attacks like name-calling or criticism, and try to focus on the real issues at hand without getting off-track.
Many couples have the same arguments repeatedly and may be able to predict what their partners will say and how they will respond. For a more productive outcome, you can try to change what you say and how you say it. Reframe your argument using respectful language to see if you get different results. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes to try to understand their point of view as well.
Navigating sex, exclusivity, and modern dating norms
In today’s world, dating norms after college may be quite different from those of past generations. More guys and girls may have been afraid to have sex openly without commitment in the past, and now fewer couples are settling down to exclusive relationships, marriage, or children at a younger age.
Exclusivity and defining the relationship
One of the more frustrating aspects of modern dating for many is defining the relationship. Because of differing social norms, people have widely different ideas of what a relationship means, how it works, and how long it will last. “Defining the relationship” refers to an honest conversation in which participants get on the same page about what their relationship is, and where it’s possibly heading (or not). Some may find that they want to be exclusive, while others prefer to remain open to other relationships. Knowing where each person stands can help avoid a lot of confusion and heartbreak.
When to have sex and what matters most
A couple may decide to have sex immediately, or they may wait until after marriage. Ideas around the “right time” to have sex can vary widely. The most important factors around sexual activity are open communication and consent from all parties.
Understanding consent
Consent can be seen as an ongoing process of communication between people who are engaging in physical intimacy or sexual activity to ensure that all parties involved are comfortable and that everyone’s boundaries are respected. Consent should be freely and clearly communicated.
Ensuring verbal and affirmative consent during intimacy is generally a safe standard to follow; this is sometimes called enthusiastic consent. Rather than waiting for someone to say “no,” enthusiastic consent requires someone to say “yes.” To obtain enthusiastic consent, the other party can ask permission before changing the type or degree of sexual activity by asking, “Is this okay?" and confirming interest before continuing.
When engaging in sexual activity, consent should happen every time, with every activity. In addition, just because someone consented to something once doesn’t mean they automatically consent to it on subsequent occasions. People can change their minds at any time. One way to do so is to speak up and tell your partner you are no longer comfortable and want to stop.
If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.
Getting support through BetterHelp
Dating after college can be overwhelming. If you’re having difficulty determining what you want from your dating life or need help building self-confidence, working with a therapist can be beneficial.
Therapy can help you date with clarity and confidence
Whether you’re afraid to tackle dating after college or are looking for some guidance on building strong relationships, a therapist can offer tools that help. They can help you build confidence and strengthen decision-making skills that may be essential to the dating process. Therapy can also offer guidance on setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships, and teach communication and conflict-resolution skills that support successful relationships.
Building successful relationships with online therapy
Online therapy can be a suitable option if you’re concerned about long commutes or if your area lacks available providers. With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can work with a licensed mental health professional from the comfort of your home at a time that works for your schedule. There are more than 30,000 providers on the platform, and you can change therapists at any time until you find the right fit for you. If you want to attend therapy with your partner, BetterHelp also has a sister site called Regain that supports couples counseling.
In addition to being flexible and convenient, research has found that online therapy can be highly effective. Studies suggest that client outcomes are the same regardless of whether a person attends therapy face-to-face or online.
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Takeaway
Is it too late to date after college?
No, it’s never too late to date. Many people date throughout young adulthood, middle age, and older years.
How do people meet people after college?
After college, people can meet through work, local clubs, community groups, or friends. They may also meet in places like the gym, a coffee shop, or at a religious service.
How long do most college relationships last?
A recent study showed that most college relationships last between 1-2 years. Whether a college relationship lasts or not can depend on a number of factors.
What percent of relationships survive college?
Hard research numbers on the actual percentage of relationships that survive college can be difficult to find, though research does show that it may be far more common for individuals to break off their relationships during the college years.
Do couples stay together after college?
Sometimes they do, especially if they share life values and goals and have been actively working to build healthy communication and intimacy throughout their relationship. That being said, it is more common for college relationships to come to an end as participants head toward new cities, jobs, and lives.
How many people marry their college partner?
Research finds that about 20% of people who start dating in college end up married to each other.
What is the 3 6 9 rule in dating?
The 3-6-9 rule is a pattern seen in dating that is used as a kind of roadmap to understand what happens at predictable intervals. It posits that:
- At 3 months in, chemistry wanes while character emerges.
- At 6 months in, attachment patterns and conflict styles are seen.
- At 9 months in, long-term viability is tested with real-life stress.
What is the 7 7 7 rule in dating?
The 7-7-7 rule is the idea that a couple should experience the following before becoming exclusive: 7 dates, over 7 weeks, discussing 7 essential topics.
What age gap is too big?
This is a subjective question, but many experts agree that for women, the acceptable maximum age above their own is about 10 years, remaining somewhat consistent across the lifespan. More than this, and there can be significant differences in interests, friend groups, energy levels, and in some cases, maturity levels. However, there is no hard-and-fast rule, and relationships can be successful across different age gaps, provided there is equity and consent between partners.
What is the 70/30 rule in relationships?
This rule posits that in a relationship, instead of striving for a 50/50 split in contributions and effort, each partner should aim for giving 70%, with the understanding that there will be times when they will only be able to offer less.
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