Why Am I Defensive? Understanding The Root Cause Of Defensive Behaviors

Defensiveness is an unconscious emotional coping mechanism that helps protect us from a perceived threat to our self-esteem. While defensiveness is meant to protecting us, defensive behaviors may be unhealthy and strain personal relationships. In this article, we’ll explore types of defensive behaviors and their root cause.

What are defensive behaviors?

Defensive behaviors are a set of responses that can be triggered when we perceive a threat to our self-esteem, identity, or beliefs. Defensiveness usually serves as a protective mechanism to shield us from emotional harm and maintain a sense of self-worth. Defensive behaviors may include:

• Becoming argumentative
• Deflecting blame onto others
• Denying responsibility
• Withdrawing from the conversation altogether

The root causes of defensive behavior

Several factors can cause defensive behaviors in individuals. Below we’ll outline some of the root causes of defensiveness.

Perception of threats

One key factor contributing to defensive behaviors is often our perception of threats. Our brains have evolved to prioritize survival, and real or perceived threats may trigger various physiological and psychological responses. When we feel attacked or criticized, our brain usually interprets it as a threat to our well-being. These events can activate defense behaviors known as the defense cascade. For example, threats can trigger the fight-or-flight response, leading to defensive reactions as a means of self-preservation.

Insecurity and fear

Insecurity and fear are often potent drivers of defensiveness. When we have low self-esteem or harbor deep-seated insecurities, any perceived criticism or challenge can amplify our defensive tendencies. We may feel the need to protect ourselves at all costs, even if it means disregarding others' feelings or resorting to aggressive behavior. By acknowledging our own feelings of insecurity and fear, we can begin to address them constructively.

The ego

The ego, that sense of self-importance and self-identity, often plays a significant role in defensive behaviors. When our egos feel threatened, we may instinctively react defensively to preserve our self-image. It may become challenging to separate our own feelings from the situation at hand, leading us to respond defensively without considering the impact on others. By developing self-awareness and recognizing when our ego is at play, we can learn to respond more effectively and compassionately.

Childhood experiences

Our childhood experiences can shape our behavior patterns, including defensive tendencies. We typically develop defense mechanisms as adaptive strategies to address challenging situations during our formative years. These defense mechanisms can range from denial and projection to rationalization and displacement. While they may have served a protective purpose in the past, they can become ingrained patterns perpetuating defensiveness in our adult lives. Recognizing these learned behaviors and understanding their roots can be a helpful step toward breaking free from the cycle of defensiveness.

Communication patterns

The way we communicate can also influence defensive behaviors. When communication is characterized by aggression, blame, or criticism, it can naturally trigger defensive reactions. Such interactions may create a hostile environment where individuals feel compelled to protect themselves rather than engage in open dialogue. We can reduce defensiveness and build healthier relationships by fostering a communication style based on empathy, active listening, and respect.

Feedback

Feedback often plays a vital role in personal and professional growth but can also evoke defensiveness. When faced with constructive criticism, we may feel attacked and respond defensively to safeguard our self-esteem. However, we may need to recognize that feedback is not an attack on our worth but an opportunity for improvement. By remaining calm, cultivating self-awareness, and accepting responsibility for our actions, we can learn to embrace feedback with open minds and use it as a catalyst for personal development.

Strategies for addressing defensive behaviors

It may take time and effort to unlearn defensive behaviors, but overcoming defensiveness and fostering healthier relationships is possible. Below, we outline strategies that may help you address defensive behaviors.

Self reflection and self awareness

Self-awareness and accountability are the first steps to managing defensive behaviors. Developing self-awareness of your defensive behaviors allows you to notice when you’re being defense and then manage these defensive behaviors.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness practices can be an effective way to cultivate self-awareness and uncover unconscious defense behaviors. These exercises may allow us to observe our thoughts and emotions objectively, without judgment. With consistent practice, we can recognize and manage our behaviors more effectively when they arise.

Self-compassion

Self-compassion may be another invaluable tool for managing defensiveness. When we can treat ourselves with kindness and understanding, it may be easier to stay grounded in difficult moments and respond mindfully instead of defensively. Self-compassion can also help us be more mindful of our actions and less likely to take constructive criticism personally.

Healthy boundaries

Healthy boundaries can also be essential for managing defensive behaviors. Establishing clear boundaries often helps us define and communicate our needs with clarity and respect. Knowing our boundaries well may make it easier to recognize when they're being threatened or crossed and respond more appropriately.

Emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence (EI) can be a tool for managing defensive behaviors. EI often gives us the capacity to recognize and understand our emotions and those of others. You can increase your emotional intelligence by developing awareness of your own feelings, learning active listening skills, and understanding how your behavior affects others.

Self-actualization

Self-actualization, a state of transcendence achieved through EI, can help us manage defensive behaviors. Self-actualization typically aims to align our behavior with our true values and deepest desires rather than those imposed by society or our upbringing. When we cultivate self-actualization, it may be easier to recognize and respond mindfully to potential causes of defensiveness.

Many people experience moments of defensiveness in their lives, but it may take courage and self-awareness to understand and address our behaviors. No matter what method you choose for managing your defensive behaviors, it may help to remember that progress takes time and patience. Being kind to yourself and seeking support when needed can go a long way in your journey of self-discovery.

Looking for ways to manage defensive behavior?

If you believe that you need help identifying and managing defensive behavior, consider working with a licensed therapist. A licensed therapist can help you become aware of behaviors that are defensive and how these behaviors may be negatively impacting your relationships. A licensed therapist may also help you find ways to manage defensive behaviors. 

People who are defensive may also feel defensive when working with a therapist in-person. Online therapy allows you to access therapy from your home, so you can participate in therapy sessions in an environment where you feel safe being vulnerable.

While there is no research currently on the effectiveness of online therapy for managing defensive behaviors, research does show that, overall, online therapy may be as effective as in-person therapy for many mental health issues, including depression and anxiety disorders. An analysis of 64 studies shows that internet therapy and in-person therapy are equally effective for treating depression and anxiety disorders.

Takeaway

Understanding the root causes of defensive behaviors can be the first step toward personal growth and healthier relationships. By recognizing the influence of threat perception, insecurity, fear, ego, learned defense mechanisms, and communication styles, we can gain valuable insights into our own patterns of defensiveness. With self-awareness, effective communication skills, and a commitment to personal development, we can better navigate challenging conversations with grace, empathy, and open-mindedness.

Remember, defensiveness often stems from a place of vulnerability and a desire to protect ourselves. By practicing self-reflection, self-compassion, and setting healthy boundaries, we can respond with greater awareness and choose more constructive behaviors. Engaging in mindfulness practices and developing emotional intelligence through online therapy can further empower us to break free from the cycle of defensiveness and foster authentic connections.