My Mom Is Mean: Navigating A Poor Maternal Relationship

During adolescence, it is not uncommon to have the thought that your mother is mean. As children, we may feel this way for frivolous reasons, but in some cases, persistent feelings of this nature may indicate a deeper problem. While it is common to outgrow negative feelings towards our parents in adulthood, it is equally common to realize deep, glaring flaws in relationships with our mothers, maternal figures, and other caregivers as we come into our own. 

Growing up with a mean mother or caregiver can be extremely difficult to cope with, and often creates ongoing problems into adulthood, including certain mental health conditions. In this article, we will explore the realities of toxic mothers, what you can do to heal from and better navigate a poor maternal relationship.

What does a toxic mother look like?

In society overall, a strong relationship between mother and child is not only normalized, but often expected. While popular media and holidays tend to perpetuate the notion of an unbreakable bond between children and their mothers, many of us experience ongoing turmoil surrounding our maternal relationships.

While some mothers are outright cruel, a lot of toxic behavior from parents can be ongoing and subtle. It can be extremely difficult to recognize toxicity and narcissistic personality traits in mothers, fathers, and other caregivers when growing up with them, as their love, or lack thereof, maybe the only kind of love you know.

Even years into adulthood, it can be difficult to identify a mother’s toxic traits and even harder to accept the reality of them. Oftentimes, people with toxic mothers get a deep feeling that something is not right with the relationship. They’ll often question if this issue is their own doing. They may even feel guilt at the thought that their mother may be at fault. Feeling this sense of discomfort or uncertainty surrounding your relationship with your mother may be a sign that your mother exhibits narcissistic personality traits. 

Identifying a toxic mother

In cases like this, it can be crucial to identify possible narcissistic personality traits in your mother. While it can be painful, it can serve as an important reminder that your value is never defined by another person’s toxic behavior, even if that person is your mother. It can be best to focus on your own thoughts and the form you’d like your future to take, rather than allowing your parent’s behavior to bring you down and control your life.

Here are ten signs of toxic behavior in mothers and mother figures.

She sees her children as trophies

Toxic or narcissistic mothers tend to use their children’s accomplishments to fuel their own ego. They may go out of their way to show off your achievements in an attempt to validate their own status and ability. While it is healthy to be proud of your child’s accomplishments, a toxic mother only cares about how others perceive her and uses her children’s achievements to meet her own needs. Though she may celebrate your wins, she often belittles you every time you make a mistake.

She likes to keep control

A toxic mother often aims to control every aspect of their child’s life, regardless of age. She may attempt to control everything from friends to clothes, style, and interests and display anger when your own opinions differ from hers. Into adulthood, a toxic mother may not want you to leave the family home, move away, or get married. 

She uses manipulation to get what she wants

A toxic mother uses manipulation to get what she wants. This is typically done through guilt-tripping or “emotional blackmail.” If you have siblings or other family members, she may attempt to pit them against you in order to convince you to serve her needs. This concept is often referred to as having “flying monkeys.”

Her love is conditional

Toxic mothers often withhold love from their own children, giving it only as a reward for when you meet her expectations. Oftentimes they will withdraw love as punishment when you do not bend to their will.

She diverts the focus to herself

It is often difficult to discuss your life, problems, or interests with a toxic or narcissistic mother. Oftentimes they will fail to listen, and turn the topic of conversation back themselves as soon as they are able. Additionally, she may often belittle or invalidate your issues and concerns, especially if they have to do with her behavior. These can all be signs that she’s toxic, and in many cases, adult children who have experienced this type of behavior will purposely set boundaries and distance themselves from their mothers in order to guard their emotions and reduce stress.

She lacks empathy

Communicating your feelings to a toxic mother can be extremely challenging, as they often lack empathy. Narcissistic mothers are extremely self-centered and often believe they can do no wrong. If you have attempted to address poor treatment from you mother and have been met with anger or hostility in return, it is very possible she lacks empathy.

She is unpredictable

Knowing where you stand with a toxic mother is often impossible. While she may show endless love and affection one day, the following day she may be short-tempered and show anger and hostility for seemingly no reason. For example, where one day she may offer to wash your dishes for you, the following day she will fly off the handle at the sight of a dirty plate in the sink.

She holds grudges

Toxic and narcissistic mothers often develop or maintain a victim mentality. This leads to an unwillingness to let go of grudges from days, months or even years prior. A toxic mother may hold something from the past against you when she doesn’t get her way in order to guilt trip you and blame you. This often leads to the child’s inability to feel their mistakes can ever truly be forgiven and can make for a toxic environment that may lead them to doubt themselves and feel bad about past mistakes.

She is emotionally volatile

A mother who is toxic or narcissistic will often have emotional outbursts or lash out in anger at the drop of a hat. This emotional volatility typically plays a major role in a toxic mother’s unpredictability, making it impossible for their children to feel truly safe with them and view them as a trusted adult.

Healing from a poor maternal relationship:Navigating negative feelings and mental health issues

Growing up with a toxic or narcissistic mother is undoubtedly challenging and oftentimes traumatic. Typically, the first step toward healing comes from identifying the reality of your mother’s behavior. Learning about narcissistic personality traits can be a helpful step in understanding and accepting that your mother’s behavior is no fault of your own and that you’re not responsible for your mom’s emotions and well-being.

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

Additionally, online forums and support groups for people with toxic or narcissistic parents can be helpful in assuring you that you are not alone and beginning to regain your own well-being.

Benefits of online therapy

Due to the complex and painful nature of growing up with a poor maternal relationship, it can be extremely helpful to speak with a therapist or licensed mental health professional. A therapist can provide individualized guidance in the matters of navigating or healing from a toxic maternal relationship. 

In many cases, it is possible that online therapy may provide is more convenient and comfortable option than typical in-person therapy.

According to research, online Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), also known as talk therapy, is proven to be equally as effective as in-person therapy in regards to reducing the symptoms of certain mental illnesses including depression and anxiety.