What adult children of divorce need to know

You may have heard that half of all marriages end in divorce. Statistics show that several variables can impact a couple’s risk of becoming divorced, including age. In 2022, the average age of people who divorced was generally 46 for men and 44 for women. Adults between 55 and 64 usually have a divorce rate of 46%. Thus, many adult children can be faced with the prospect of coping with their parents’ divorce. Even as adults, though, children of divorced parents may experience challenges. Adult children of divorce may experience difficulties accepting their parents’ choices and adjusting to a new family dynamic. One way to develop effective coping strategies can be by talking to an online or in-person therapist.

The impact of divorce on adult children

A divorce that involves a couple who is 50 or older is sometimes referred to as a gray divorce. A gray divorce can have both emotional and psychological impacts on adult children. This type of divorce can come with a host of practical challenges that may need to be navigated by the entire family unit. 

Loss, grief, and guilt

Children of divorced parents may mourn the family they grew accustomed to having. They may also feel guilty if they believe that their parents remained in an unhappy marriage for the sake of their children. 

Older adults going through a divorce may also choose to sell the family home, possibly seeing it as less of a loss because their children are grown and no longer live there. Still, their children may see this as yet another casualty of their parents’ divorce.  

Trust issues

Adult children of divorce may look back on their childhood and question their memories. They may wonder what signs of marital discord they missed or whether events were really as happy as they remember. They may feel distrustful of one or both of their parents as well. They might even begin to question their own marriage and its ability to stand the test of time. 

Practical concerns

Scheduling is almost always a challenge when navigating life with divorced parents. It can be even trickier for those who are married and trying to balance holidays and events with their in-laws as well as their divorced parents. 

Moreover, there may be a greater need for adult children to step up and provide care for their now-single parents. They may be asked to drive them to appointments, help with medical needs, or assist with household tasks for which the other parent was previously responsible. 

Adult children of divorce may also struggle with how to talk to their own children about the divorce. This could be a particularly difficult discussion if the grandparents have been actively involved in their grandchildren’s lives. 

Financial impact

Although adult children of divorce are generally 18 or older, they may still rely on the financial support of their parents, especially if they are younger adult children or are still in college. If an adult child is disabled, parents may still be tasked with providing child support to the primary caregiver. Older adult children may be asked to financially support parents who may have been accustomed to living in a two-income household. 

Relationship changes

Because their children are adults, parents going through a divorce may share a great deal of information about what they’re experiencing. Being privy to intimate details of their parents’ relationship can have a strong impact on how an adult child views one or both of their parents.

Even if divorcing parents don’t engage in conversations about the divorce with their adult children, their relationship with their children is likely to change. According to research conducted by the National Center for Family and Marriage Research, a few trends can be identified in gray divorces:

• Moms tend to be twice as likely to become more involved with their adult children, but dads are usually half as likely to maintain regular contact. If dads remarry, they may be even less likely to stay involved.
• Fathers are typically more likely to offer financial support to their adult children after a divorce. 
• If men remarry, they may be more likely to spend time with their new wife’s family than with their own adopted or biological children.

Many gray divorces follow a trend typical of younger divorces: A mother’s relationship with her children may be strengthened, while the father’s relationship may not fare as well.

Prevalence of gray divorce

In general, one in four divorces is now a gray divorce, a statistic that has doubled since 1990. As a result, there tends to be a growing number of adult children of divorce, all trying to navigate the changes happening in their families. You may be interested in finding community with other people going through the same thing, and several options for doing so may be available online and in person. 

An Adult Children Of Divorce group was formed by FamilyKind to provide resources that empower adult children. You may also be able to build a network online through Facebook groups, Reddit communities, and other online forums.

In larger cities, in-person support groups may be available. Many of these are hosted by religious organizations, but they may also be provided by mental health providers or community organizations. 

How adult children of divorce can overcome challenges

To overcome the challenges associated with a gray divorce, there are a few steps you can take. 

Establish boundaries early in the process

Older parents going through a divorce may be more likely to lean on their adult children during the process. To prevent this from damaging your relationship with either parent, you may need to establish boundaries regarding your new family dynamics. Consider establishing the following boundaries:

• What you’re willing to hear and talk about regarding the divorce
• Any changes that might need to occur regarding holidays
• How you are willing to support either parent with the changes they’re experiencing 

It can be up to you how involved–or uninvolved–you want to be during this process. However, establishing boundaries early on can help you preserve healthy relationships with your parents.

Be open to changing family dynamics

Research has shown that gray divorces are not often the result of contentious marriages. Instead, they may be the result of two people growing apart over the years. One or both of your parents may choose to pursue another romantic relationship once their marriage has ended. 

Approximately 22% of women and 37% of men find a new partner within 10 years of a gray divorce. You may want to decide how you plan to handle these new partnerships and the potential introduction of new family members. 

Seek outside help

Coping with older parents who are divorcing can be challenging for everyone in your family. There may be resources to help you adjust, though. You may have several avenues to consider when seeking outside help.

One place you can find support may be from friends who have gone through similar experiences. These friends may be able to offer a helpful perspective and provide advice about coping with this change. They may even have practical suggestions about how to schedule the holidays or provide support for a parent in need. 

Another place to find help can be from a mental health provider. They can help you navigate your thoughts and feelings with healthy coping skills. You can work with a local therapist or an online provider. 

Benefits of online therapy

If you’re looking for someone specifically equipped to help adult children of divorce cope with the changes they’re experiencing, you may have more success working with an online therapist as you’ll generally have a larger pool of professionals from which to choose. Remote therapy may be especially beneficial if you live in an area where there is a limited number of therapists available or if you have a particularly busy schedule.

Effectiveness of online therapy

In a study examining the effectiveness of online therapy in treating mental health conditions, researchers confirmed that it could decrease symptoms of various conditions, including depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety, and PTSD, some of which may arise due to the challenges associated with an individual’s parents’ divorce. Researchers also highlighted that online therapy can be cost-effective for patients.