What Adult Children Of Divorce Need To Know
You may have heard that half of all marriages end in divorce. Statistics show that several variables can impact a couple’s risk of becoming divorced, including age. In 2022, the average age of people who divorced was generally 46 for men and 44 for women. Adults between 55 and 64 usually have a divorce rate of 46%. As a result, many adult children can be faced with the prospect of coping with their parents’ divorce. Even as adults, children of divorced parents may experience challenges. Adult children of divorce may experience difficulties accepting their parents’ choices and adjusting to a new family dynamic. One way to develop effective coping strategies is by talking to an online or in-person therapist.
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Find your matchUnderstanding parental divorce later in life
A divorce that involves a couple who is 50 or older is sometimes referred to as a gray divorce. A gray divorce can have both emotional and psychological impacts on adult children. This type of divorce can come with a host of practical challenges that may need to be navigated by the entire family unit.
Loss, grief, and guilt
Children of divorced parents may mourn the family they grew accustomed to having. They may also feel guilty if they believe that their parents remained in an unhappy marriage for the sake of their children.
Older adults going through a divorce may also choose to sell the family home, possibly seeing it as less of a loss because their children are grown and no longer live there. Still, their children may see this as yet another casualty of their parents’ divorce.
Trust issues
Adult children of divorce may look back on their childhood and question their memories. They may wonder what signs of marital discord they missed or whether events were really as happy as they remember. They may feel distrustful of one or both of their parents as well. They might even begin to question their own marriage and its ability to stand the test of time.
Common emotional reactions adult children experience
Adult children may imagine that because they are older and no longer live with their parents, parental divorce will have very little impact on them. However, adult children of divorce are more prone to experience self-doubt about their own relationships and feel like their family is less stable. They may feel confused, sad, or even scared about the changes in their family structure.
Adults who watch their parents divorce often need time to grieve the family they expected to last forever. They are also more likely to be put in the middle of the conflict than young children, which can be challenging. Research shows that parents are likely to ask their daughter for emotional support, making her feel stuck between the two.
How parental divorce can change family dynamics
Whether the child of divorced parents is in elementary school or an adult, they almost always experience changes to their family dynamics. The two parents no longer share the same home or schedule, and some are unable to share the same space during events. Most people have to navigate a number of changes to the way their immediate and extended families function.
Practical concerns
Scheduling is almost always a challenge when navigating life with divorced parents. It can be even trickier for those who are married and trying to balance holidays and events with their in-laws as well as their divorced parents.
Moreover, there may be a greater need for adult children to step up and provide care for their now-single parents. They may be asked to:
- drive them to appointments
- help with medical needs
- assist with household tasks
- provide tech support
- manage a parent’s finances
Adult children of divorce may also struggle with how to talk to their own children about the divorce. This could be a particularly difficult discussion if the grandparents have been actively involved in their grandchildren’s lives.
Financial impact
Although adult children of divorce are generally 18 or older, they may still rely on the financial support of their parents, especially if they are younger adult children or are still in college. If an adult child is disabled, parents may still be tasked with providing child support to the primary caregiver. Older adult children may be asked to financially support parents who may have been accustomed to living in a two-income household.
Relationship changes
Because their children are adults, parents going through a divorce may share a great deal of information about what they’re experiencing. Being privy to intimate details of their parents’ relationship can have a strong impact on how an adult child views one or both of their parents. Brothers and sisters may process the divorce differently, resulting in conflict between siblings.
Even if divorcing parents don’t engage in conversations about the divorce with their adult children, their relationship with their children is likely to change. According to research conducted by the National Center for Family and Marriage Research, a few trends can be identified in gray divorces:
- Moms tend to be twice as likely to become more involved with their adult children, but dads are usually half as likely to maintain regular contact. If dads remarry, they may be even less likely to stay involved.
- Fathers are typically more likely to offer financial support to their adult children after a divorce.
- If men remarry, they may be more likely to spend time with their new wife’s family than with their own adopted or biological children.
Many gray divorces follow a trend typical of younger divorces: A mother’s relationship with her children may be strengthened, while the father’s relationship may not fare as well.
Finding support for adult children of divorce
In the United States, one in three divorces is now a gray divorce, a statistic that has doubled since 1990. The growing number of gray divorces isn’t exclusive to the United States, but is a trend seen across the world. As a result, there tends to be a growing number of adult children of divorce, all trying to navigate the changes happening in their families. You may be interested in finding community with other people going through the same thing, and several options for doing so may be available online and in person.
An Adult Children of Divorce group was formed by FamilyKind to provide resources that empower adult children. You may also be able to build a network online through Facebook groups, Reddit communities, and other online forums.
In larger cities, in-person support groups may be available. Many of these are hosted by religious organizations, but they may also be provided by mental health providers or community organizations.
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When parental divorce reopens past wounds
An adult watching their parents get divorced may be surprised that it stirs up unresolved childhood feelings and past trauma. However, because the divorce often causes changes in the relationship with their parents, it may remind them of times they felt abandoned in the past.
Some children may even be supportive of parental divorce because they experienced a childhood filled with conflict. However, seeing the divorce finally take place can be a reminder of the fights and arguments they witnessed as children. This can bring back the feelings they experienced during the conflict, such as fear, pain, confusion, and uncertainty.
Coping, healing, and moving forward
To overcome the challenges associated with a gray divorce, there are a few steps you can take.
Establish boundaries early in the process
Older parents going through a divorce may be more likely to lean on their adult children during the process. To prevent this from damaging your relationship with either parent, you may need to establish boundaries regarding your new family dynamics. Consider establishing the following boundaries:
- What you’re willing to hear and talk about regarding the divorce
- Any changes that might need to occur regarding holidays
- How you are willing to support either parent with the changes they’re experiencing
It can be up to you how involved–or uninvolved–you want to be during this process. However, establishing boundaries early on can help you preserve healthy relationships with your parents.
Be open to changing family dynamics after marriage
Research has shown that gray divorces are not often the result of contentious marriages. Instead, they may be the result of two people growing apart over the years. One or both of your parents may choose to pursue another romantic relationship once their marriage has ended.
Approximately 22% of women and 37% of men find a new partner within 10 years of a gray divorce. You may want to decide how you plan to handle these new partnerships and the potential introduction of new family members.
Seek outside help if you're one of the adult children of divorce
Coping with older parents who are divorcing can be challenging for everyone in your family. There may be resources to help you adjust, though. You may have several avenues to consider when seeking outside help.
One place you can find support may be from friends who have gone through similar experiences. These friends may be able to offer a helpful perspective and provide advice about coping with this change. They may even have practical suggestions about how to schedule the holidays or provide support for a parent in need.
When working with a good counselor can help
Another place to find help can be from a mental health provider. They can help you navigate your thoughts and feelings with healthy coping skills, finding the words you need to clearly communicate with your parents. You can work with a local therapist or an online provider.
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How therapy through BetterHelp can support adult children of divorce
If you’re looking for someone specifically equipped to help adult children of divorce cope with the changes they’re experiencing, you may have more success working with an online therapist, as you’ll generally have a larger pool of professionals from which to choose. Remote therapy may be especially beneficial if you live in an area where there is a limited number of therapists available or if you have a particularly busy schedule.
Effectiveness of online therapy for a child of divorce
In a study examining the effectiveness of online therapy in treating mental health conditions, researchers confirmed that it could decrease symptoms of various conditions, including depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety, and PTSD, some of which may arise due to the challenges associated with an individual’s parents’ divorce. Researchers also highlighted that online therapy can be cost-effective for patients with mental health conditions.
Takeaway
What happens to adult children of divorce?
Adult children of divorce may experience a delayed emotional impact compared to younger children whose parents are going through a divorce. Since they’re older and don’t have to navigate custody arrangements, parents might assume their kids are unaffected. However, adult children can still feel a sense of loss, instability, or betrayal. This is especially common when the divorce changes the family dynamics they had gotten used to. They may feel like they have to choose sides, and it may be hard to navigate new family traditions.
What is a child of divorce called?
There is no specific title for a child of divorce. Sometimes, like in online communities where people gather to talk through a shared experience, you might hear terms like ‘adult child of divorce’ (ACOD). However, this is more of an informal way for people to describe their situation.
Is divorce common after 20 years of marriage?
Yes, divorce after 20 years— often called ‘gray divorce’— has become increasingly common over the past few decades. Many couples reassess their relationship once their children are out of the house or when they hit retirement and have more free time with their spouse. Factors like longer life expectancy and increased financial independence also contribute to this trend.
How does being a child of divorce affect you as an adult?
Being a child of divorce may change how you approach relationships and conflict as an adult. Some people have a harder time trusting other people, so they may be more cautious or scared of commitment. Having your parents get divorced can impact your emotional regulation skills. It can also be hard losing the family structure you had throughout your entire life. However, the effects of divorce aren’t always negative. Some children of divorce become much more resilient and have a clear idea of what they want in a relationship.
How does divorce affect children emotionally, even as adults?
Even in adulthood, divorce can cause feelings of hurt, grief, anger, confusion, or guilt. Adult children may mourn the loss of the family they grew up with and wonder if their memories of the past are accurate. Some people may feel anxious about their own relationship as well.
How do you deal with adult children during divorce?
If you’re going through a divorce and have adult children, it’s important to maintain clear and respectful communication. Parents shouldn’t share too much about their relationship, speak negatively about the other parent, or ask their children for emotional support. Try not to focus on the divorce in your conversations. Acknowledge that the divorce affects them too, and in some ways may even be worse for them.
What is the hardest stage of divorce for families?
The hardest stage of divorce is usually the transition period, which is when the separation becomes real and daily life starts to look different. Changes often include one or both parents moving, dividing responsibilities, and creating new routines. Everyone in the family is navigating loss and trying to establish a new normal.
What is the hardest age of divorce to impact children?
Divorce can be difficult for children at any age, but many experts believe that children whose parents divorce between the ages of 6 and 12 may experience the strongest impact. These young children have a deeper understanding of complex emotions, but most aren’t equipped to process the complicated feelings that come with divorce.
What are the most common mental health challenges among children of divorced parents?
Common mental health challenges among children of divorced parents can include anxiety, depression, and drug and alcohol abuse. Some children of divorced parents may struggle with attachment patterns or conflict avoidance. In adulthood, this can show up as trouble forming relationships or a tendency to act as a caregiver. That said, not everyone experiences long-term effects. Getting support after the divorce can significantly reduce these risks.
When should an adult child seek counseling after parental divorce?
An adult child should consider counseling if their parents’ divorce is causing them ongoing distress, anxiety, anger, suffering, or conflict in their relationships. It may also help to work with a good counselor if they realize they’re caught between their parents or being told too much about the divorce.
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