What Do You Do When You Think “My Mom Hates Me”?
At times, it might feel like your mom hates you — especially if she says something to that effect in the heat of an argument. If you feel like your mom hates you, there’s potentially quite a bit to explore and unpack.
While every situation is unique, you may find that your mom doesn’t hate you after all, but is instead dealing with issues in her own life that she might be taking out on you. So, what are some of the reasons someone might say they hate their child, and what can you do to address the situation?
Why Do I Feel Like My Mom Hates Me?
You may have many reasons for believing your mom hates you, and they may not be related to fighting at all. Maybe your mom treats you differently from your siblings. Maybe you feel that you don’t spend enough time together, or you could think she is too critical of you compared to another child in the family. While not an exhaustive list of possibilities, the following may be some reasons you feel like your mother hates you.
Being Treated Differently
Different treatment might mean not receiving the same time dedication or affection types that your siblings or other family do. It may mean that you feel days and events that are special for you – birthdays, holiday participation, school events, etc. – are not given a proportional amount of interest or enthusiasm from your mom when compared to other people in her life.
Being treated differently for long periods of time can impact your mental health, so don’t wait to address the situation.
When you have issues with self-esteem, you may have negative feelings such as a feeling as though people are judging you, or even that they hate you. These are sometimes internalized thoughts and feelings arising out of your interpretation of people’s words and actions toward you. People might never tell you that they hate you, but you may overanalyze their words and actions and come to the conclusion that they do.
Sometimes, family can contribute to difficulty with self-esteem. For example, if a parent is particularly critical or hard on a child, this child may experience low self-esteem. If this is true for you, it may be beneficial to seek the aid of a therapist or counselor. This is an issue that can be addressed so that you can live with a healthier image of yourself. No one deserves to feel unloved or as though the world is against them.
Her Actions Feel Unloving
You might not be able to think of anything specific that causes you to feel as though your mother hates you. It could be that your feelings come from years of words and actions that you now interpret to mean your mother doesn’t love you. Perhaps your mom went through personal mental health-related concerns when you were a child. In such cases, people can sometimes unfairly take out their emotions on their children. The emotional hurt that her actions or words caused may leave you wondering whether she meant the things she said in the past.
When you know how you want to be loved, you can more effectively talk to your mom about how you are feeling and come up with solutions to improve things. If you know she is too hard on you, you can express that to her and ask her to be more sensitive. Remind her that not everyone appreciates tough love and that it can have real implications. Work to set boundaries, and consider seeing a counselor or therapist together so that you can communicate more effectively.
No Quality Time Together
Alternatively, you may feel like your mom hates you because you don’t spend enough quality time together. We live in a very busy world, and everyone handles their time differently. Also, many households today have both parents working full-time jobs, often leaving very little time to spend with their kids in the midst of busy schedules. So, your mom could be trying to juggle a lot of things at once.
You may feel bad when she chooses to do another activity instead of spending her free time with you. It is okay to feel this way. It may also be helpful to consider the idea that your mom may also want to spend more time with you, but hasn’t been able to.
She Doesn’t Know How You Feel
Have you told your mom how you feel? If not, then she may not realize how her actions make you feel. Find a calm time to talk with her, when she is not in a rush or trying to take care of one of your siblings, for example.
Be prepared to be assertive when you two sit down; you may need to explain clearly how you are feeling so she fully understands, which can feel unpleasant. This can be difficult to do if your emotions have not always been well received, but your courage, honesty, and independence will likely be appreciated by your mom.
When you two sit down, you can tell her how you feel when she doesn’t spend time with you. You can explain that you feel left out, lonely, or forgotten about, and then let her know that you would like to spend more time together or spend your time together more constructively. Consider coming up with ideas together and making room in your schedules for quality time. For example, you might offer to help with some of the household responsibilities so she’ll have more free time.
When you do this, you two can develop your relationship and form a closer bond.
She Is Overly Critical Of You
Another reason you may feel like your mom hates you is that she says or does things that are unnecessarily negative or critical toward you. Whether your mom realizes she is being hurtful or not, that type of criticism can make for an unhealthy relationship or have negative consequences for you as well.
Consider bringing the issue to her attention and asking her to be gentler with you. If she has feedback about your behavior, as if she can give it kindly, sensitively, and with consent. If your mom has trouble changing this pattern, you might be able to make a plan together with a licensed professional.
Ignoring How You Feel Can Make The Issue Worse
Many times, people ignore their emotions because they assume their feelings aren’t “right” or valid, but this simply isn’t true. Your feelings deserve to be heard, and you deserve to feel loved. Instead of just ignoring it and hoping things improve, it could be time to let your mom know how you are feeling.
Talking to a therapist can help you understand and process your feelings and learn how to communicate in an effective way. A therapist can even talk with you and your mom in the same session if this is something you’re open to. This may be the most effective solution if you don’t feel comfortable talking about your feelings with your mom directly.
My Mom Hates Me: Violence And Abuse
Though most moms mean well, toxic mothers do exist. If your mom is abusive and actually says she hates you on a regular basis, please reach out for help. If possible, talk to a teacher, counselor, or other trusted person in your life and let them know exactly what is going on at home. It’s important for you to remember that abuse is never your fault, and a parent telling a kid that they hate them is a form of abuse.
If you are being physically or mentally hurt by your mother, tell someone. Tell someone at school, or, if you are not in school or don’t have a trusted school person to tell, tell another trusted person in your life, find a medical or mental health professional, or reach out to a hotline or treatment center.
Please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800.799.SAFE (7233) if you or someone you know is affected by abuse. The hotline is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Ways To Cope When You Feel Like Your Mother Hates You
If you think your mother hates you, the resulting emotional turmoil can be intense. There are a few things you can try to lessen this load. For example, medically reviewed articles show that deep breathing has been shown to lower anxiety and improve cognitive function. You might be surprised by how much this technique helps you!
Another thing you can try is taking a break. Sometimes, walking away from a situation is the best way to gain clarity. If your thoughts are shrouded by doubt, take a moment away to clear your head. Then you can come back to the situation and deal with it.
Finally, getting a different perspective can make a big difference. When we are too close to a problem, it can be hard to see potential solutions, but an outsider can often help. A licensed counselor or therapist is a great tool to have in your pocket. They can also help you build your reserve of coping skills for high-stress moments if needed.
When you’re having problems at home, every day can be a struggle. It’s best to seek help as soon as possible. Finding a provider at a treatment center to work with in-person can take months, though. Online therapy makes help more accessible.
The counselors at BetterHelp are accredited and have thousands of hours of experience helping people cope with and move through challenging family dynamics. The platform is entirely remote, making it both easy and convenient to get support. No matter how you choose to start your journey in therapy, the important thing is that you find the right provider for you so you can get the care you need.
Questions regarding the effectiveness of online counselling are common and understandable. Researchers have been hard at work to better understand how people respond to internet-based therapies. One recent study found that telehealth methods used in family counseling were just as effective as in-person methods.
Read below for some reviews of BetterHelp counselors from people experiencing similar matters.
“Christina has been with me through some pretty dark times. She has helped me feel heard and acknowledged, and she has given me the tools to feel strong when in the past, I wouldn’t have had the strength. I am beyond grateful for her guidance in navigating some pretty rough emotions.”
“Alisha has let me view situations in another perspective. Like the stressful times I’ve gone (still going) through with my family and my work. I’m really grateful for her time to listen to what’s on my mind and really making me comfortable to talk so much with her. Thank you, Alisha!”
Getting help can be essential when working through challenging times in life. If you believe your mother hates you, or you need general support related to family life and relationships, there are several avenues you can take to improve your situation. With the right tools, you can move on to a happier life with more fulfilling relationships.