Identifying Toxic Friendships: Knowing When To Step Away

Content warning: This article includes references to topics that may be considered triggering. Please proceed with discretion. If you are in need of immediate support, you can contact the Crisis Text Line at any time by texting HOME to 741741. If you are experiencing or witnessing any form of abuse, you can also contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Strong friendships can be beneficial to your mental health and overall well-being. However, like any relationship, friendships have the potential to develop draining, distressing, unhealthy, or otherwise toxic dynamics. Since this type of connection can be harmful to your health and well-being, it can be helpful to understand the warning signs of a potentially toxic friendship so you can make informed decisions that support your well-being. 

The importance of healthy friendships and social connections

A healthy friendship may offer many different kinds of benefits, such as emotional support, fun, inspiration, and a sense of belonging. Friends can help us feel seen and remind us that we’re not alone in whatever we may be facing in life, and good friends can help each other grow. Strong friendships could also have positive health impacts. For instance, consider a research review on the topic indicating that social connectedness may predict mental health overall. More broadly, the experience of chronic loneliness has been tied to a set of potential negative health outcomes that even include an increased risk of mortality, so the importance of strong social connections has never been more apparent.

However, not all friendships are created equal, and those with unhealthy dynamics may do more harm than good. They have the potential to cause stress and loneliness and damage self-esteem, and they may even contribute to the development of a mental health condition like anxiety or depression. That’s why learning to identify potentially harmful elements of a friendship or any other relationship can be so important, so you can recognize when it may be time to take a step back for your own well-being.

What is a toxic friendship?

A toxic relationship is one characterized by unhealthy behaviors and ways of interacting that harm one or both parties. Toxic relationships can exist between family members, coworkers, romantic partners, or platonic friends. Healthy friendships are usually marked by respect, mutual support, and kindness, while unhealthy or toxic friendships may feature dishonesty, insults, frequent conflict, or manipulation. Spending time in this dynamic may be emotionally exhausting and distressing.

Note that a friendship can start out positively but develop unhealthy elements over time, or these elements may show themselves from the beginning. Also note that no relationship is perfect, but that the difference between a naturally flawed human relationship and an unhealthy or toxic one usually comes down to the magnitude of the problems and how they are handled by the person(s) causing them. 

For example, occasionally bickering about a certain topic may not be cause for much concern, but having a friend erupt into an aggressive and angry tantrum when you disagree with their opinion could be dangerous and a sign to leave. Similarly, consider a situation where a friend is using a nickname for you that hurts your feelings. If you ask them to stop and they apologize and honor your request, that’s generally a sign of a healthy friendship characterized by respect and strong communication. If they continue to use it or mock you for feeling bad about it, this is likely a sign of an unhealthy dynamic. Remember, if you feel that your emotional or physical safety is at risk in a relationship, you have every right to exit the situation.

If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse in any form, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for immediate support, advice, and assistance.

Warning signs of a potentially toxic friendship

What constitutes an unhealthy friendship may vary from case to case, depending on the individuals and the circumstances of the friendship. Generally speaking, however, the following signs may indicate an unhealthy or potentially toxic dynamic:

• Insults. Excessive insults or criticism may be a sign of an unhealthy friendship dynamic—especially if they continue after you’ve made it clear that it’s causing you distress. For example, toxic friends might put you down or insult you, only to play it off as “just a joke” or tell you that you’re being too sensitive if you raise your concerns.
• Speaking badly about you. If you find that a friend spreads rumors, makes fun, or speaks negatively about you behind your back, your friendship is unlikely to be healthy. Safe friendships are usually characterized by trust, kindness, and respect—even when you're not in the same room.
• Disrespecting boundaries. Being respectful of personal boundaries—from how often you communicate to limits on your personal space—may be considered another important feature of a healthy friendship. Someone who ignores your reasonable requests and doesn’t show care for your comfort or safety is likely a toxic friend.
• Imbalance. In a toxic friendship, you may feel as though you’re putting more into the relationship than the other person. For example, you might be providing all the emotional support or making all the plans while the other person does very little and even makes additional demands on your time or energy. If you call this to their attention and they brush it off or nothing changes, the friendship may not be in your best interest anymore.
• Frequent conflict. It’s natural for conflict to occur from time to time, but frequent or explosive fights may be cause for concern.
• Manipulation.Manipulation can take a variety of forms, such as coercion, the silent treatment, love-bombing, and gaslighting. In practice, these could look like a toxic friend making you feel guilty for spending time with other friends, attempting to weaponize the things you say, or threatening to reveal information you’ve told them in confidence. 

These are just a few examples of behaviors that could be symptomatic of a toxic friendship. Remember that the presence of one of these behaviors doesn’t automatically mean someone is a “toxic person” or that you should abandon the connection immediately. Relationships of all kinds take work and will have their ups and downs. That said, if you notice a pattern of the above behaviors in your friendship, you may want to reconsider how this connection is affecting you and whether it’s worth continuing to engage in it.

When to walk away from a toxic friendship

Deciding to take a step back from a toxic friendship may be challenging, particularly if you still care about the other person as a friend. In some cases, salvaging the friendship may be possible through practicing open communication and setting firm boundaries. The potential success of these strategies may depend on factors like your friend’s commitment to the relationship and the exact nature of the toxic dynamic. In other situations, you may find that the best thing to do for your mental health and well-being is to take a break from the friendship altogether—either temporarily or permanently. 

Getting support in managing your relationships 

Whether you decide to try and work on your friendship or step away, it’s natural to have conflicting or difficult emotions about the situation. You might find yourself experiencing feelings of guilt, confusion, frustration, sadness, anxiety, or anger, and you might go back and forth on what to do. If you’re looking for support as you decide how to handle a troubling friendship, a therapist can be a helpful person to lean on. They may be able to offer a more objective view of the situation, give advice on prioritizing your mental health, and provide a safe space to discuss your emotions about the friendship. 

That said, regularly attending in-person therapy may be challenging, especially for those who may feel drained as a result of a toxic friendship or those who are already juggling full schedules. In these cases, online therapy can represent a more convenient alternative to traditional, in-office sessions since it offers the option to meet with a licensed provider via phone or video call from the comfort of home. Since research suggests that outcomes of online and in-person therapy appear to be comparable in most cases, you can usually choose whichever format works best for you.

Takeaway

Relationships of any type have the potential to develop unhealthy dynamics that can be harmful to one or more participants—friendships included. Some signs that a friendship could be unhealthy or toxic include frequent insults, excessive or explosive conflict, speaking badly about one another, and disrespect of boundaries. If you’re having trouble deciding how to handle a difficult friendship, meeting with a therapist to talk it out could be helpful.