How Do I Forgive When Trust Is Broken? Working Through Infidelity in Couples Counseling

Trust is a crucial feature of healthy relationships. So, when someone has violated your trust, it can feel like your world has fallen apart andbe difficult to work through your feelings, address the situation, and forgive them. You may struggle to see them in the same light, wonder whether something similar will happen in the future, or feel too wounded to forgive when trust is broken.

Despite these obstacles, though, there are ways you can address a breach of trust in a constructive, healthy manner. Below, we’re discussing why moving forward from a betrayal of trust can be challenging and outlining steps you can take to process your emotions, talk through the situation, and reach a place of forgiveness when trust is broken. 

Why forgiveness can be hard when trust is broken

To understand how to forgive after a betrayal, it may help to understand the nature of forgiveness. Indeed, it can be one of the more difficult emotional processes to navigate when trust is broken—particularly after a significant breach of trust. As you think about how to approach forgiving whoever wronged you, consider the following:

1. Forgiveness is a choice: Rather than an emotion, forgiveness is a decision—we can choose to forgive while feeling hurt, sad, disappointed, or insecure. Believing otherwise can cause us to believe that we must repress our feelings—or wait until they pass—in order to forgive when your trust has been broken. 

1. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting: It’s important to remember that forgiving does not imply erasing the memory of what happened or diminishing its severity. Rather, it relieves the other person of the burden of potential negative feelings on your part, but it is not meant to excuse their behavior when your trust has been broken.

1. Forgiveness involves trust: We often find it difficult to forgive because we fear being hurt in a similar way again. However, we cannot control others, so there is no way for us to have complete confidence that we will not experience a similar betrayal in the future. If these challenges are making it hard for you to forgive those who have violated your trust, the below tips may help when your trust has been broken.

How to learn to forgive and support your own mental health after trust is broken

It’s important to note that you do not have to wait to forgive someone who has betrayed your trust. In fact, forgiveness can be the first thing you choose to do when you find out about the breach. This does not mean that you must move on without addressing the situation, though, when your trust has been broken. 

Forgiveness can be a way of relieving you of the emotional burden of hanging on to resentment and other potentially negative feelings. This may free you up to address other emotions you’re experiencing when your trust has been broken. 

The following are steps you can take toward forgiving someone who has breached your trust when your trust has been broken.  

1. Know what a breach of trust, like infidelity, means to you

First, think about the circumstances that led to the betrayal of trust. Understanding why you perceive that your trust was violated can help you communicate your feelings—which we’ll discuss below—and work to resolve the conflict when trust is broken. 

For example, in an open relationship with clearly defined boundaries, one partner being intimate with someone else may not itself constitute a breach of trust; but being dishonest about the situation might cross the established boundaries when your trust has been broken. 

2. Open the lines of communication after trust is broken

Talking through your concerns with the person who has broken your trust is crucial throughout the process of repairing your relationship when your trust has been broken. 

Ideally, communication might begin as soon as you learn about the breach of trust. Try to approach the discussion with the goal of understanding their motivations when your trust has been broken. 

The dialogue can continue when you’re ready to learn more about what happened and talk about how it has affected your relationship when trust is broken.

3. Process your emotions despite the broken trust

Taking time to address your feelings regarding the breach of trust can help you be ready to forgive the other person. There are several ways you can effectively address your emotions. You may want to discuss the situation with friends or family members when trust is broken.

Your loved ones may have perspectives on your relationship that help you understand your feelings. They can also provide emotional support if sadness, loneliness, or worry are affecting you when your trust has been broken. 

Journaling can also provide an outlet for your emotions and help you let go of negativity surrounding the betrayal of trust. Research suggests that putting your thoughts and feelings on paper can help you develop a positive outlook on a stressful situation.  Working with a mental health professional can also be an effective method of addressing difficult emotions when your trust has been broken. 

4. Forgive and take the next steps, like online therapy or couples counseling

Once you’ve worked through your emotions, learned more about the situation, and talked to the other person about what happened, you may be ready to forgive them. While you might want to assure them that your forgiveness is not conditional, you may also want to let them know that there is still work to be done when it comes to rebuilding the relationship when your trust has been broken.

Moving forward after forgiveness may include recommitting to each other, establishing new boundaries, and addressing related conflicts that may be impacting the relationship.

Additionally, if the betrayal of trust occurred in a romantic or family relationship, you may consider attending therapy. If you and your partner decide to attend therapy, working with a counselor can help you both better understand underlying challenges that led to the violation, improve communication, and rebuild trust. 

Tips for communicating following a major betrayal, infidelity, or broken trust in a relationship

Communicating with the person who betrayed you can feel incredibly challenging and emotionally charged in the moment. Approaching this communication requires a delicate balance of honesty, vulnerability, and self-protection. Here are some tips for navigating these difficult conversations:

Be charitable with the person who broke your trust, for your own mental health and theirs

Bear in mind that the other person may not know why their actions constituted a breach of trust. For example, in a monogamous language, someone who committed adultery may understand what they did, butif your partner was engaging in emotional cheating or an emotional affair, they might not realize that this can be a form of infidelity. Telling them why it hurts you can help them understand why they’ve betrayed your trust.

Learn to listen closely, and attend marriage or couples therapy if needed

Knowing how to listen is a key component of communication, helping you understand the other person clearly. When listening, try to avoid formulating a response and instead focus on comprehending their key points. Once they’ve finished speaking, you can ask clarifying questions, summarize their statements, and then respond. Working with a therapist can help you practice these skills.

Avoid accusatory language when trust is broken

Try to communicate your feelings in clear terms but avoid language or words that may sound accusatory. To do this, consider using “I” statements. For example, instead of saying, “You lied to me about where you were”, consider saying, “I consider it to be dishonest when you told me…”. This can help ensure your communication remains constructive and not antagonistic. 

How online marriage or couples counseling or therapy can help you heal and give you support if someone broke your trust

Research suggests that online therapy can be an efficacious method of addressing different types of relationship conflict, such as tension arising out of a breach of trust. For example, researchers in one study concluded that online therapy is as effective as in-person counseling for couples experiencing relationship distress. Participants in the study reported perceive that online therapy led to a strong therapeutic alliance and an increased ability to focus on their challenges.

If you’re finding it difficult to move forward in a relationship due to a violation of trust, online therapy can help. With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can address relationship concerns remotely, which can be helpful if you’re not comfortable discussing such topics in person.

BetterHelp works with a team of mental health professionals who have widely varying specialties and areas of expertise, so you’ll have a good chance of matching with someone who can address your specific concerns regarding trust, forgiveness, and other common sources of relationship conflict.