Understanding Loneliness
Loneliness is a common emotion that most people feel occasionally. However, if you're feeling alone often, or if that feeling is affecting your ability to function, it could be a sign that loneliness has become a bigger issue. Prolonged loneliness can lead to stress, depression, and other potential negative health consequences.
By understanding how to recognize the feeling of loneliness and what you can do to address it, you can improve your mental well-being, both when you are alone and when you are with others. This article discusses loneliness and gives you some tools for addressing it.
Defining loneliness
Loneliness is a complex emotional state characterized by a perceived lack of connection, understanding, and intimacy with others, despite the desire for companionship. It's not merely about being physically alone; we may feel lonely even in the presence of others if we do not feel seen, understood, or valued.
This subjective experience varies widely between people, and can be influenced by personal expectations, social norms, and individual experiences of interaction or isolation.
Loneliness can impact mental and even physical health, emphasizing the importance of addressing and mitigating its effects.
Why do I feel alone? Common causes of loneliness
Many life situations can lead you to feel lonely, and each person may experience loneliness differently based on their unique circumstances, personality, and life experiences. Common causes include:
- Life changes: Transitional periods can often bring with them feelings of loneliness or isolation. Moving, starting a new job, or ending a relationship, for example, may place you in a situation where your previous support systems are not available, leaving you looking for new people to spend time with and depend upon. After a period of adjustment, however, these feelings generally subside.
- Emotional disconnect: Often, when we say, "I feel lonely," what we are actually saying is, "I feel misunderstood," "I don't feel seen," or "I don't feel heard." If you're feeling alone even when you're around other people, emotional disconnect may be at the root of your loneliness.
- Feeling out of place: It’s also common for people—particularly young people—to feel lonely when they are still carving out their identity and finding their place in the world. Feeling different from or out of touch with the people they're surrounded by can be an isolating experience.
Recognizing the signs of loneliness
Maybe you don't realize you're engaging in activities designed to dodge loneliness. Or you're not feeling your best and are starting to suspect that it could, in part, be due to withdrawal from other people or due to feeling lonely. Below are some potential signs that an individual might feel lonely.
Elevated stress levels
Positive social relationships are correlated with lower stress levels, so it makes sense that elevated stress levels often accompany loneliness. If you feel lonely, you might notice physical or mental signs of stress, like clenching your jaw, trouble sleeping, or aches and pains.
Excessively checking social media
Social media can be a wonderful way to connect with people, but it does not entirely replace face-to-face interactions. Sometimes, social media usage can interfere with our ability to connect on a deeper level, leading to feelings of isolation despite being in close relationships. It can also give the illusion that we are investing in relationships or social connection, even if we are not spending quality time with others.
Studies show limiting social media usage can decrease loneliness and increase overall well-being for some people. Spending less time scrolling your feeds might actually help you feel more connected.
Spending money
Spending money excessively can be a sign of loneliness. While studies have shown that so-called "retail therapy" can give our brains a boost, this behavior can also be a coping mechanism for deeper issues like loneliness. People might spend excessively on things they don't need as a way to fill an emotional void or to momentarily distract themselves from feelings of isolation or disconnection.
Changes in sleep patterns
Difficulty sleeping, insomnia, or sleeping too much can be a sign of loneliness and the stress it causes. Such disruptions in sleep can significantly impact one's physical health and emotional well-being, further exacerbating feelings of isolation and disconnection.
Altered eating habits
Disordered eating patterns can be a coping mechanism, where food is used to momentarily fill the emotional gap caused by loneliness. Over time, these habits can lead to more serious health issues, both physical and mental, underscoring the importance of addressing the root causes of loneliness and seeking healthier ways to cope.
What to do when you are lonely
When you recognize that you feel lonely, you can take steps to mitigate it. If feelings of loneliness are unmanageable or persistent or you're experiencing other physical or mental symptoms, consider reaching out to a qualified professional for help.
Allow your feelings to be felt
Sometimes, we try to hide or avoid acknowledging our negative emotions, thinking that it will make them disappear if we don't look at them. Unfortunately, repressing emotions can be unhealthy and even lead to uncomfortable physical symptoms.
It's important to acknowledge your authentic feelings, whether you are having difficulty being alone or feeling lonely even with others around. Identifying and validating your feelings can help you take the next step. In acknowledging loneliness, you may also notice other feelings that could be valuable to address, such as pain, anger, or sadness.
Practice self-love
Practicing self-love is crucial, especially during times of loneliness. It's about taking care of yourself in ways you might for others who are down. This includes self-soothing activities and being kind to oneself, which can be as simple as enjoying a warm drink or snuggling in a blanket—actions that mimic the comfort of companionship, as studies suggest.
Embracing self-love helps identify personal needs, fostering vulnerability and openness. This not only aids in alleviating loneliness but also enhances interactions with others, making it a valuable practice for both solitary moments and social connections.
Build new thought patterns
Sometimes, feelings of loneliness can pair with maladaptive thought patterns. For example, you might notice that you are engaging in all-or-nothing thoughts, personalization, or catastrophizing. An example of a maladaptive thought related to loneliness could be "no one will ever like me."
There are things you can do to address this and build new thought patterns. Thought reframing is one helpful skill many discover when working with a therapist. An example of reframing in this context could be, "I haven't met every person I'll meet in this lifetime, so I don't actually know if it's true that no one will ever like me."
Find community
Finding community involves seeking groups or spaces where you share interests, values, or experiences with others. It can profoundly counteract loneliness by providing a sense of belonging and support.
Explore local clubs, sports leagues, online forums, gyms, volunteer organizations, or faith communities, to connect with like-minded individuals. Engaging in community activities not only offers social interaction but also enriches your life with meaningful connections and shared endeavors.
Try volunteering
Giving to others can be a great way to feel connected. Think of something you can do to help your family or community and consider doing it. Giving back to your community is one possible way to build meaning and purpose in your life, and research shows that people who volunteer are often happier and feel less lonely.
Develop your personal goals and interests
Setting personal goals can redirect focus from loneliness to aspirations, whether they're career-oriented, hobbies, or unexplored interests.
Revisiting childhood passions or trying new activities can make daily life more fulfilling and significant. This pursuit not only empowers and elevates mood but can also lead to meeting like-minded individuals, offering an opportunity for both personal growth and social connection.
Address underlying causes
It's important to note that trying different tips and techniques for alleviating loneliness may not work if underlying issues aren't being addressed. If there's a potential underlying cause for your feelings of loneliness, such as social anxiety, complicated grief, depression, or other mental health conditions, you may need to address that to address the loneliness.
A mental health professional who provides talk therapy may be able to support you, help you recognize underlying causes, and find the solutions that work for you as a unique individual.
Seek professional help
If you feel lonely often, it may be time to reach out to a therapist or another experienced specialist. A trusted and qualified professional can help you overcome barriers to connecting with others and provide a safe place to practice being open about yourself. In therapy, you can also address matters like feeling misunderstood, symptoms of depression, or anything else that's going on in your life.
Mental health support for overcoming loneliness
You can seek out a professional in your area or sign up through a reputable online platform that connects you with licensed, independent therapists and counselors, such as BetterHelp. Feelings of isolation or loneliness can be painful and may impact the body and mind, making it difficult to attend in-person therapy. With online therapy, you can attend sessions from wherever you're most comfortable (as long as there's internet).
Research shows that those who experience loneliness and related emotions can benefit from online therapy platforms. A study published in Behavior Therapy, a peer-reviewed academic journal, found that Internet-based cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can soothe feelings of loneliness.
The study specifically notes a correlation between the amount of time participants spent in therapy and a decrease in loneliness, and an increase in quality of life. Online CBT programs provide the tools to help reframe intrusive thoughts that can create a sense of isolation, making way for stronger relationships and better social connections.
Seek professional help
If you feel lonely often, it may be time to reach out to a therapist or another experienced specialist. A trusted and qualified professional can help you overcome barriers to connecting with others and provide a safe place to practice being open about yourself. In therapy, you can also address matters like feeling misunderstood, symptoms of depression, or anything else that's going on in your life.
You can seek out a professional in your area or sign up through a reputable online platform that connects you with licensed, independent therapists and counselors, such as BetterHelp. Feelings of isolation or loneliness can be painful and may impact the body and mind, making it difficult to attend in-person therapy. With online therapy, you can attend sessions from wherever you're most comfortable (as long as there's internet).
Research shows that those who experience loneliness and related emotions can benefit from online therapy platforms. A study published in Behavior Therapy, a peer-reviewed academic journal, found that Internet-based cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can soothe feelings of loneliness. The study specifically notes a correlation between the amount of time participants spent in therapy and a decrease in loneliness, and an increase in quality of life. Online CBT programs provide the tools to help reframe intrusive thoughts that can create a sense of isolation, making way for stronger relationships and better social connections.
Read the reviews below to see what people are saying about the providers on the BetterHelp platform.
Therapist reviews
"Jeni is one of a kind. She is caring, compassionate, professional, respectful, easy to talk to, and she makes you feel like you are not alone. When we are communicating, whether it be via email or video sessions, she always makes herself seem relate-able. I really enjoy working with her and think she is great at her profession!"
"I would recommend Ashley to everyone seeking help. She asks the right questions and lets you know you are not alone, and she validates your feelings. I felt like I was hanging on by my fingernails, and in a few weeks, I have calmed and been able to step back and look at my situation."
Takeaway
What does it mean when you feel alone?
Feeling alone is a common human experience, where loneliness represents a personal and often distressing sensation of being isolated or disconnected from others. This feeling can surface at various points in one's life and is something that almost everyone encounters at some time. Loneliness is characterized by a sense of separation or solitude, but it's important to distinguish it from the concept of social isolation.
Social isolation refers to the objective state of having limited social contacts and interactions. Isolation is about the number of relationships and social engagements a person has. In contrast, loneliness is subjective; it's about how people perceive their social connections. You might have a wide social network or several close friends and still feel lonely if these connections aren't meaningful or fulfilling.
This distinction highlights that loneliness is not just about the quantity of social interactions or relationships but the quality and meaningfulness of these connections. Someone can be surrounded by people and yet feel a deep sense of loneliness if they don't experience meaningful engagements or a sense of understanding and empathy from others.
Addressing loneliness involves more than just increasing social interactions. It may require nurturing deeper, more meaningful connections with others, finding communities or groups where one feels a sense of belonging, or engaging in activities that foster genuine interpersonal connections. Understanding and acknowledging these feelings of loneliness is an important step in finding ways to alleviate them and build more fulfilling social bonds.
How do people who are lonely cope with loneliness?
Addressing loneliness in a healthy way often involves actively seeking out new connections with others who share similar interests. Creating these connections can be a fulfilling way to combat feelings of loneliness.
One effective approach to making new connections is to engage in activities or hobbies that resonate with your interests. For example, learning a new language or acquiring a new skill can enrich your personal growth and provide opportunities to meet like-minded individuals. Joining classes, clubs, or online communities focused on these hobbies can open doors to relationships with people who share your passions.
Connecting with others through similar interests can create a natural and comfortable environment for building friendships. These shared activities provide common ground, making conversations easier and more meaningful. Whether through a cooking class, a book club, a photography group, or an online forum for language learners, the key is finding an environment where you feel connected to the activity and, consequently, to the people involved.
Moreover, engaging in these activities can also boost your self-esteem and sense of accomplishment, helping to alleviate feelings of loneliness. Improved self-esteem and a sense of purpose can also lead to increased confidence in social interactions, making it easier to form connections and build meaningful relationships.
Who can you talk to when you're lonely?
When loneliness sets in, reaching out for support and connection is crucial. One of the primary sources of comfort can be family members. They often provide a sense of familiarity and understanding, offering a safe space to express your feelings and concerns. Family does not have to be limited to biological relatives; it can also include close friends or chosen family members with whom you feel comfortable opening up.
Another avenue to consider is reestablishing contact with old friends with whom you've lost touch. Rekindling these relationships can bring back fond memories and create a sense of continuity in your life. These friends, familiar with your past, can offer a unique perspective and support during lonely times.
In addition to family and friends, seeking help from a trained counselor can be highly beneficial. A counselor can offer professional guidance and teach you effective ways to manage loneliness. They can help you understand the underlying causes of your loneliness and work with you to develop strategies to build meaningful connections and improve your social skills. Counseling provides a non-judgmental, environment where you can openly discuss your feelings and experiences.
Each of these options offers a different type of support and understanding. Depending on your comfort level and the nature of your loneliness, you might find one more suitable than the others. Remember, taking the first step to reach out is often the most challenging part, but it's also the most crucial step toward overcoming the negative thoughts or behaviors associated with feeling alone.
What are the 3 types of loneliness?
Managing loneliness effectively requires understanding how it manifests in our lives. While there are many ways to categorize loneliness, Theo G. van Tilburg, a Professor of Sociology and Social Gerontology at Vrije Universiteit Amsterdam, categorizes loneliness into three distinct types:
- Social loneliness is characterized by a lack of a broader social network or community. This type of loneliness occurs when individuals feel they are missing a wider social circle or a group of friends with whom they can engage in social activities and share common interests. It's often experienced when people feel disconnected from their community or society at large.
- Emotional loneliness is tied to the absence of a close or intimate relationship. This form of loneliness is felt when there is a lack of someone who provides emotional support, like a best friend, a romantic partner, or a close family member. It's the feeling of missing a deep, emotional connection with someone who understands you profoundly and with whom you can share your most personal thoughts and feelings.
- Existential loneliness is a more profound sense of feeling alone in the world, often accompanied by a sense of meaninglessness. It's a deeper, more philosophical form of loneliness that can involve questioning one's purpose in life or feeling a general sense of emptiness, even in the presence of social and emotional connections.
Recognizing these three types of loneliness can help in identifying the specific needs and strategies required to address them. Whether it's building a broader social network, forming deeper personal relationships, or finding a sense of purpose and meaning, understanding the type of loneliness one is experiencing is the first step toward finding a solution.
Is loneliness a feeling or emotion?
Loneliness is often understood as a complex emotional state rather than simply a feeling or fleeting emotion. This state is characterized by a sense of isolation and disconnect, and it can have profound implications on both mental and physical health. Clinical research points to increased levels of inflammation and affective disruptions, such as depression and anxiety, in individuals who experience chronic loneliness.
The negative impact of loneliness may arise from the sense of being disconnected from others, as humans are wired for connection and social interaction. When we experience loneliness, it can trigger a cycle of negative thoughts and behaviors that further reinforce our feelings of isolation.
Loneliness may also contribute to various mental health conditions and exacerbate physical health problems, potentially due to the stress and inflammation associated with chronic loneliness. This emotional state can also impair cognitive function and impact overall well-being.
Older adults, in particular, face an increased risk of loneliness. Studies show that about one in three individuals over the age of 45 report feeling lonely. This prevalence in older adults can be attributed to a variety of factors, including living alone, loss of family or friends, reduced mobility, and other age-related changes. Nursing homes and other long-term care facilities also report high rates of loneliness among their residents, highlighting the importance of addressing this issue in older populations.
How does a lonely person behave?
Many factors can contribute to how a person behaves when feeling lonely, as each individual may experience loneliness differently. However, some common behaviors and tendencies associated with loneliness include:
- Withdrawal from social situations: Lonely individuals may avoid spending time with others or participating in social activities due to feelings of discomfort or fear of judgment.
- Negative self-talk: Loneliness can lead to negative self-perception and self-talk, where individuals may believe they are unlovable or unwanted, leading to feelings of low self-worth.
- Increased screen time: With the rise of technology and social media, lonely individuals may turn to their devices as a form of connection. However, this often leads to further isolation and can create a sense of comparison with others' seemingly perfect lives.
- Unhealthy coping mechanisms: In some cases, loneliness can lead to engaging in unhealthy behaviors such as excessive drinking or drug use as a way to cope with negative emotions.
It's essential to remember that these are just general tendencies and should not be used to label individuals experiencing loneliness. Every person is unique, and their behavior may vary based on their specific circumstances. If you or someone you know is struggling with loneliness, it's important to seek support and find healthy ways to cope. Remember, talking about your feelings and experiences can be a helpful first step in overcoming loneliness.
Why do people feel alone and empty?
Loneliness can stem from a variety of factors, and it's often a complex combination of circumstances that contribute to these feelings. Some common reasons why people may feel alone and empty include:
- Loss or absence of relationships: Losing a loved one or experiencing a break-up can leave individuals feeling isolated and disconnected.
- Transitions in life: Major life changes, such as moving to a new city, starting college, or retiring, can disrupt social connections and lead to feelings of loneliness.
- The stigma around mental health: Social stigma surrounding mental health issues can make individuals feel isolated and misunderstood, leading to feelings of emptiness and isolation.
- Lack of fulfillment or purpose: Without a sense of purpose or meaning in life, some people may struggle to find a sense of connection and fulfillment, leading to feelings of emptiness.
- Traumatic experiences: Experiencing trauma or neglect in childhood can contribute to feelings of loneliness and emptiness in adulthood.
Many people experience loneliness differently, and it's not always easy to pinpoint one specific cause. However, seeking support and finding healthy coping mechanisms can help individuals work through and overcome these feelings of loneliness and emptiness.
Why do I like feeling alone?
Some people may enjoy being alone, and this can be a positive experience. It's essential to differentiate between choosing to spend time alone and feeling lonely. Enjoying solitude can allow individuals to recharge, reflect, and engage in activities they enjoy without the pressure of social interaction.
Overstimulation can also play a role in enjoying being alone. In today's fast-paced and constantly connected world, taking time for oneself can be a much-needed break from the overstimulation of technology and social interactions. However, it's important to recognize the difference between enjoying alone time and isolating oneself due to feelings of loneliness or avoiding social situations entirely.
How can I be okay with being alone?
Being alone doesn't have to be a negative experience. It can be an opportunity for self-discovery, growth, and relaxation. Here are some tips on how to be okay with being alone:
- Practicing mindfulness: Engaging in activities that allow you to focus on the present moment, such as meditation or mindful walking, can help alleviate feelings of loneliness and anxiety.
- Trying new things: You can use your alone time to try new hobbies or activities that you've always wanted to do but haven't had the chance. Doing this can be a great way to discover new interests and passions.
- Journaling or writing: Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you process and understand them better. It can also be a creative outlet for expressing yourself.
While being alone can have benefits, humans are social beings to some extent, and it's often natural to crave social interaction. Professional support from a licensed therapist or joining a social club or group can help individuals manage feelings of loneliness and find a balance between enjoying alone time and connecting with others.
How do lonely people stay happy?
Not all people who are alone are necessarily lonely, and not all lonely people are unhappy. However, for those who do experience loneliness, finding ways to stay happy and fulfilled can be challenging. Here are some tips for lonely individuals to maintain happiness:
- Practicing self-care: Engaging in activities that promote self-care, such as exercise, spending time outdoors, or engaging in hobbies, can help boost mood and overall well-being.
- Connecting with others: While it may be difficult to reach out when feeling lonely, staying connected with friends and loved ones through phone calls, video chat, or a simple text message can provide a sense of companionship and support.
- Volunteering or joining a community: Engaging in volunteer work or joining a community group can provide opportunities for social interaction and a sense of belonging.
- Seeking therapy or counseling: If feelings of loneliness are impacting daily life, seeking professional help can be beneficial in working through these emotions and finding healthy coping strategies.
Remember, it's important to be kind to yourself and practice self-compassion while navigating through feelings of loneliness. It's okay to reach out for support when needed, and finding healthy ways to cope can help individuals find happiness and fulfillment within themselves.
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