When You Care About Someone: We All Love Differently
Our personalities can vary widely, leading us to behave, think, and feel differently than one another. Our personality types can also make us uniquely compatible with certain individuals. There are many theories about the sources of compatibility and how much they are affected by each partner’s characteristics. Knowing how your personality may impact your relationships can help you better understand why certain connections may grow stronger than others. Below, we’re going to discuss how your personality can contribute to the ways you give and receive love, express your feelings, and mesh with your partner.
How personality can impact relationships
Personality refers to the broad range of traits, interests, behaviors, and other characteristics that make an individual unique. Numerous experts have created measures of personality over the years. Frameworks such as the five-factor model of personality (also called the Big Five) postulate that people have varying levels of specific traits. Such theories have then been used to create personality types. And many people have hypothesized that compatibility may be affected by partners’ respective types.
For example, a common dichotomy in personality types is introversion-extraversion, which refers to how an individual gains energy and focuses their attention. Introverts are those whose focus is more directed towards their inner world of ideas and feelings, and who are typically energized by spending time alone. Extroverts are those who tend to gain energy from the world around them, including through social interactions with others. People who occupy a similar place in the introversion-extraversion spectrum may be more compatible due to their understanding of each other’s need for alone time and desire to participate in more solitary pursuits.
Existing research supports the claim that personality can influence compatibility. In one study, researchers found that two measures of the Big Five predicted relationship satisfaction among participants, with neuroticism negatively affecting it, and conscientiousness positively affecting it. Another study suggests that two other measures—openness and agreeableness—can be helpful in predicting relationship quality.
The (MBTI) is another important framework for examining personality. There are four dichotomies relevant in this model, the first being introversion versus extroversion (I or E), which we briefly discussed above. The second dichotomy encompasses how you take in information—this is labeled sensing versus intuition (S or N). Sensors are typically detail-oriented, practical thinkers, focused on the reality of how things are, whereas people who intuit often connect ideas and find meaning based on how things could be.
The way in which you make decisions is the third dichotomy, labeled thinking versus feeling (T or F). Thinkers are generally people who make decisions based on the facts that they have at their disposal. Feelers are those who direct their behavior based more on their emotions and desires, potentially acting in ways that they feel best fit the situation at hand.
The fourth factor, judging versus perceiving (J or P), takes into account how you tend to organize your life. Those who fall toward the judging end of the spectrum may fit the traditional model of "type A”—people who like to have clearly outlined expectations and may experience satisfaction from being able to check something off their list. People who fall toward the perceiving end of the spectrum are typically more spontaneous and flexible, potentially enjoying going with the flow more than having a strict schedule.
Depending on where an individual falls on each of these four dichotomies, they may be labeled with one of 16 different types: INTJ, INTP, ENTJ, ENTP, INFJ, INFP, ENFJ, ENFP, ISTJ, ISFJ ESTJ, ESFJ, ISTP, ISFP, ESTP, ESFP. Several different tests are available that can help you identify your Myers-Briggs type and learn more about how it might affect you in various facets of life, including relationships. There is evidence that similarity based on the MBTI can predict compatibility.
Exploring the elements of your personality can be a rewarding process and may help you better understand your relationships with others. Knowing how you and your partner prefer to communicate, spend your time, make decisions, and solve problems can positively impact how you relate to and understand each other.
The role of the five love languages
The five love languages, originally developed by Dr. Gary Chapman, can also provide insights into how differences in communication and behavior can contribute to the success of a relationship. According to Dr. Chapman’s theory, we each have certain ways we prefer to both give and receive love; and a relationship may be more likely to succeed if each partner understands the other’s love languages.
Words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch are the five love languages. Words of affirmation are ways of expressing love verbally. Acts of service are gestures meant to provide assistance to a partner. Receiving gifts means expressing love through material offerings. Quality time involves giving your partner your undivided attention. Physical touch includes things like holding hands or sexual intimacy.
Each partner in a relationship usually has a preferred way of both expressing and receiving love. If partners are not communicating in the same language, they may find the relationship less fulfilling than they might otherwise. Take, for example, a situation in which one partner may like to perform acts of service but receive words of affirmation, while the other might like to give gifts and have acts of service performed for them. In this case, the second partner is likely experiencing love the way they would prefer, but the first partner may not be. While the second partner can continue to express love by giving gifts, they might also want to tell their partner how they feel.
While it might make sense to show your partner love in the same way you prefer to be shown love, they may have a different language. If you aren’t sure what your partner’s love language is, consider having a conversation with them. You and your partner can learn about each other’s languages by making a list of specific actions that make you feel loved or help you express love.
You may find that you each have multiple love languages. Do you like it when your partner makes you a special meal, then takes time to chat with you without any distractions? You may prefer acts of service and quality time. Communicating in your partner’s love language can help you deepen your bond. When you know how best to give and receive love, you and your partner may be better able to communicate, meet each other’s needs, and solve problems together.
How online therapy can help
Studies have shown that online therapy can help partners learn more about how their unique characteristics affect their relationship. In a study published in the Australian and New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy, participants who had completed an online couples therapy program—which included an exploration of how “differences in key personality traits” impacted their partnership—reported experiencing increased relationship confidence. The study notes that online therapy can help couples with communication and problem-solving skills, which are often helpful in creating a deeper understanding amongst romantic partners. This type of therapy can include counseling sessions, along with guided exercises and resources that may help couples better appreciate the way they interact within the relationship.
If you’d like to learn more about how your personality influences how you express love, consider utilizing an online therapy platform. Individual therapy through BetterHelp (or couples therapy through ReGain) can be participated in remotely—so you and your partner can be in different locations and still work with a qualified mental health professional. BetterHelp and ReGain work with thousands of licensed therapists—who have a range of specialties—so you’ll have a good chance of matching with someone who can address your specific concerns about love, personality, and relationships. Read below for reviews of BetterHelp therapists from those who have sought help with relationship challenges in the past.
Therapist reviews
“Sandy was really great and helped me unlock the things I needed surrounding my relationship and dating patterns. In this period of time, she was a great sounding board and also helped give me the thinking tools I needed to move forward on a better path. I definitely recommend Sandy and her open and direct approach-–she was wonderful!”
“Stephanie is a gem! She's very thoughtful, thorough, honest, insightful but most of all helpful. This is coming from a person who never wanted to do counseling and just "knew" I didn't need it. She's been key in helping my wife and I find our better place. She made us grow as a couple and individually. Thanks Steph!”
Takeaway
Why do people love differently?
Robert Sternberg, Ph.D., developed the triangular theory of love. According to this theory, different types of love can be identified based on the presence (or lack thereof) of these three scales:
- Intimacy: Emotional closeness and connection
- Passion: Romantic attraction and physical arousal
- Commitment: The cognitive choice to maintain love
The seven types of love most people experience are:
- Liking: There is only intimacy present, without passion or commitment. This type of love often applies to friendships.
- Infatuation: There is only passion present in infatuation, without intimacy or commitment. This type of love may be characteristic of “love at first sight,” before intimacy and commitment have had time to develop.
- Empty love: This love includes commitment, but passion and intimacy are not present. If attraction and closeness fade in a long-term relationship, it may become empty love.
- Romantic love: This love includes both emotional closeness (intimacy) and passion, but it lacks commitment. Partners experiencing romantic love may not be sure if they are ready to commit to each other. The main characters of the play, Romeo and Juliet, provide an example of romantic love.
- Fatuous love: There is both passion and commitment present in fatuous love. A whirlwind relationship that rapidly progresses from a first date to engagement may be experiencing fatuous love if there hasn’t been time for emotional intimacy to develop.
- Companionate love: This love has intimacy and commitment, but not passion. Close friendships are characteristic of companionate love.
- Consummate love: Sometimes considered “real love” or “true love,” consummate love balances high levels of intimacy, passion, and commitment. Many people consider consummate love the ideal for romantic relationships.
These factors can make love look very different for different people. For example, the love you feel for your parents is very different from the love you feel for your spouse, your distant relative, or your best friend. People love differently based on the context of their relationship.
How do people experience love differently?
It’s common to experience and express love in different ways. In fact, according to Gary Chapman, there are five love languages which describe our preferred ways to give and receive love. These languages are:
- Quality time: This love language is all about someone else giving you their undivided attention. If this is your love language, it may mean the world to you when your partner puts their phone down and makes eye contact with you during a date.
- Physical touch: Physical affection can sometimes speak louder than words. If this is your love language, you may feel most loved and desired by your partner when they hold your hand, cuddle, or give you a massage.
- Words of affirmation: This love language is all about verbal and written expressions of love, appreciation, and praise. If this is your love language, you may enjoy finding love notes from your partner, being praised when you overcome obstacles, and receiving text messages acknowledging your hard work.
- Acts of service: Acts of service can be small things, like vacuuming, cleaning up after the dog, or helping your partner craft an email. If this is your partner's primary love language, they’ll notice and appreciate your contributions.
- Giving/receiving gifts: For people with this primary love language, the thought and consideration behind gifts is very important. Gifts do not have to be big for people to appreciate them. For example, you could pick up your partner’s favorite drink from the store, surprise them with a homemade meal, or mail them a love note.
Whether you have the same love language or not, understanding your partner's love language can help you realize how they want to be loved.
Do people view love differently?
Love is a complex set of emotions and behaviors, which can include a wide array of both positive and negative feelings, like:
- Happiness
- Compassion
- Pleasure
- Affection
- Adoration
- Trust
- Excitement
- Consideration
- Attraction
- Euphoria
- Obsession
- Jealousy
- Fear
- Anxiety
- Anger
- Sadness
- Possessiveness
The way people view and feel love is impacted by many things, including the context of the relationship, the way people have been loved in the past, their attachment style, and personality.
What does love mean to different people?
Love can mean many different things to different people. However, Robert Sternberg, Ph.D., developed a framework for identifying different types of love, which can help negate some of the confusion around this term. This framework is called the triangular theory of love, and it stratifies love in to seven different categories based on the presence of these three scales:
- Intimacy: This scale includes emotional closeness, understanding, and connection
- Passion: This scale is about physical attraction, romantic attraction, and arousal
- Commitment: This scale is the deliberate choice to maintain love over time
Does everyone experience love differently?
Love refers to a complex set of emotions, which are heavily influenced by personal preferences, past experiences, environment, and relationship context. Because of these factors, two people may love each other but experience their love in vastly different ways.
Does everyone express love the same?
People do not always express love in the same ways. Gary Chapman identified five primary love languages, which describe the various ways people usually prefer to express and receive love. These languages are:
- Quality times
- Words of affirmation
- Acts of service
- Physical touch
- Giving and receiving gifts
What makes people feel love?
At a biological level, the feeling of love is driven by brain chemicals, including dopamine, serotonin, noradrenaline, oxytocin, and vasopressin. Love helps people form strong social bonds, procreate, and collaborate. As said by Stephanie Cacioppo, Ph.D., “Love is a biological necessity—it's as needed for our well-being as exercise, water, and food.”
Can you love a person in different ways?
Yes, there are many different types of love, which can change over time. For example, you experience different types of love for someone when you first become attracted to them, when you enter a committed relationship with them, and when your relationship becomes a long-term enduring form of love. According to Robert Sternberg, Ph.D., there are actually seven kinds of love, which are:
- Liking: Intimacy only
- Infatuation: Passion only
- Empty love: Commitment only
- Fatuous love: Passion and commitment
- Romantic love: Passion and intimacy
- Companionate love: Intimacy and commitment
- Consummate love: Passion, intimacy, and commitment
Can you be in love with different people?
If you find yourself feeling attracted to two people (or more) at the same time, you may find it relieving to know that Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a psychology professor at UCLA, says it’s normal. “We assume love comes in one flavor, but it’s really much more Baskin Robbins than that [...] We are complex and complicated beings, and it’s very possible that two different traits in two different people can both appeal to us.”
Experiencing feelings of love is different than acting upon them, though. If you are in a committed, monogamous relationship that you value, you can choose to stay physically and emotionally committed to your partner, despite your attraction to others. However, you may also want to explore ethical non-monogamy or polyamory if your partner is also interested in exploring an open relationship.
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