Ways To Spend Bereavement Time Off After A Death In The Family

Following the death of a loved one or family member, bereavement leave from work can give an individual time and space to begin the grieving process. This isn’t just time off while they leave to attend the funeral, but time to process their loss and grieve discreetly. How much bereavement leave, if any, a person receives may depend on their employer and employment status. 

While the duration and overall grief process are often intensely individual, bereavement leave allows some to walk through their loss without the distraction or obligation of their career. Understanding how to leverage this time as effectively as possible may help you have a more healthy grieving and healing process.

What is bereavement leave?

Bereavement leave is a specific type of absence reserved for employees grieving the loss of immediate family members, like parents, children, spouses, domestic partners, and siblings. However, some policies may consider the loss of extended family members, such as step-parents, in-laws, aunts, and uncles. The average policy offers up to three or five days of bereavement, although in some cases, bereavement leave may be given for up to two weeks. This time is set aside for the employee to grieve, make funeral arrangements, and manage other matters related to the loss of their loved one or family member. 

In the United States, there are no federal laws mandating the terms of bereavement leave policies or laws that mandate that employers must offer paid bereavement leave at all, regardless of whether people lose family members, spouses, or other loved ones. Some employers may have no formal policy, while others offer generous paid leave options for their employees. Despite the absence of federal law mandating bereavement policies, a few states have taken steps to define the scope of bereavement leave for grieving employees under certain collective bargaining agreements. 

For example, California requires employers with five or more employees to offer bereavement leave of up to five days for the death of an immediate or covered family member. Covered family members include an eligible employee’s spouse, child, parent, grandparent, domestic partner, or parent-in-law. To prepare for the potential passing of a loved one, you may consider reaching out to your employer to see if they offer bereavement leave options. 

Requesting paid bereavement leave

Before requesting bereavement leave from your human resources department, you may consider checking your company's guidelines or bargaining unit to see your employer's policies regarding when to allow employees to use paid family leave. Some employers might only grant time to full-time employees or have specific policies on how long bereavement leave may be. Still, you may have more benefits than you are aware of.

It is often up to employees to take and request bereavement leave. Experiencing a death in the family does not necessarily mean the company will know to put you on leave. To get the most out of this experience, consider making a formal request to your supervisor or the human resources department. You might consider referring to state laws that may provide the foundation for bereavement policies in your workplace. 

Your company’s HR professionals may require evidence that a loved one passed away to avoid frivolous requests. This evidence might include a death certificate, a prayer card, or a funeral program. Other employers may not require a death certificate or other documentation to grant the bereavement leave request. 

If you are not granted paid bereavement leave, you might be able to use paid sick leave days instead. Ask your human resources department if they can help you find other options like employee assistance programs.

Healing ways to spend bereavement time off

While bereavement leave can be overwhelming, try caring for yourself outside of your career and bereavement responsibilities. Some people attend memorial services or funerals and see old friends, immediate or extended relatives, and acquaintances, which can be overwhelming after a loss.

For this reason, it may be helpful to incorporate healing practices into your bereavement leave. If the thought of doing or trying something new sounds overwhelming at a time of significant loss, you may choose to remember that these practices are designed to support you as you grieve. They aren't intended to do away with grief or to make you "feel better" immediately. Rather, there can be ways to take care of yourself and experience grief in a way that supports you rather than overwhelms you. Below are a few ways to cope healthily during bereavement leave. 

Take time to rest

A recent study found that people can be more vulnerable to infectious diseases after the death of a loved one, indicating a possible temporary immune deficit. This vulnerability can increase within the elderly population. A part of this increase is due to the stress hormone cortisol, which can increase when someone experiences shock and grief. 

Remain mindful 

It can be challenging to stay in the present moment when you feel heartbroken. Pain can be immense, all-consuming, and entirely overwhelming. 

However, staying present and being mindful of your feelings can keep you from worrying about the future. It may also keep you from looking back in sorrow with any regrets you carry, remaining in a more mindful place of self-forgiveness and acceptance. 

A few ways to stay in the present moment include:

• Focusing on your breathing 
• Remaining mindful of sensory-based stimuli (such as the sounds, smells, sights, and sensations you experience)
• Mindful meditation

Stay strategic 

When you lose someone, your entire reality may feel as if it has been shaken up, along with any long-held beliefs you have about life, faith, and spiritual matters. On top of these potentially painful and emotional experiences, you may worry about the future without your loved one.

It might seem impossible to continue without the person you've lost. Without them, you might not be sure how you'll survive and cope with life. However, instead of worrying about tomorrow or the day after, try to focus on the moment. Remaining focused on the next moment, minute, or hour can be a helpful way to stay strategic about your thought patterns and expended energy, keeping you grounded in the present, which is another form of mindfulness.

Stay self-compassionate

Grief is sometimes compared to an emotional roller coaster. During grief, a wide range of feelings, including fear, guilt, and anger, can come your way. Fluctuation and change are standard, although they can be challenging. You may feel confused, disorganized, and disoriented as you work through these feelings.

In times of vulnerability and confusion, you might want to be unkind to yourself and overly critical. If you can, try to be compassionate with yourself. Below are a few affirmations you can repeat to yourself each morning or when you're struggling: 

• "I am doing the best I can."
• "It's okay to make mistakes; they don't define me."
• "It's okay if I forget 'x.'"
• "Everything will work itself out."

Another way to be compassionate with yourself is to set boundaries that give you the respect and rest you need from social or personal obligations. If you need a break from socializing or struggle to keep up with the commitments set for you, it can be okay to decline or take a step back.

Talk to a loved one 

During bereavement time off, whether that’s three days or two weeks, you may or may not want to talk about your feelings. However, it can be helpful to talk with someone who cares for you, regardless of the topic of conversation. For example, if you're not ready to discuss your thoughts and feelings, asking them to be there physically or to distract you with positive topics is one way to cope. 

Consider using rituals or remembrance practices

Rituals are ancient practices people use to acknowledge the sacred nature of an event. While it may seem strange to associate heartbreak and loss with anything sacred, doing so may help during mourning.

Both religious and non-religious people can incorporate the following rituals into a daily routine to help them better cope with the mourning process:

• Saying prayers (if applicable)
• Using mantras and affirmations 
• Lighting candles
• Practicing meditation and mindfulness 
• Doing yoga 
• Journaling your thoughts
• Painting or partaking in art therapy
• Listening to or composing music 

Eat regular meals

During bereavement time off, your appetite may change. Despite this change, nourishing your body with regular meals can be crucial.

First, try to honor your regular mealtimes, even if your meals are smaller than usual. While you may not feel like eating, doing so can nourish your mind and help it process everything you're going through. Healthy fats like salmon, walnuts, avocados, coconut oil, olive oil, and eggs can help support healthy brain function.

Certain foods, spices, and beverages, such as leafy greens, turmeric, organ meats, turkey, and certain herbal teas, may also relieve stress and anxiety. If possible, you can try to incorporate these foods into your meals. Remember that eating one meal or a snack is better than eating no meals at all. 

Try to move your body

In her TED Talk, "The Brain-Changing Benefits Of Exercise," neuroscientist Wendy Suzuki says, "Exercise is the most transformative thing you can do for your brain." Although it may be the last thing you want to do during your bereavement, moving your body can help you cope emotionally. 

Moving your body could mean going for a 20-minute walk or taking your bike to a nearby park and seeing how you feel once you start pedaling. Don't focus on a weight or health goal in this context. Instead, focus on being present as you move.

If this idea doesn't feel right to you, it can be okay to skip exercise or movement until you're ready. However, try to walk around your house and get some sun to reduce the chances of low vitamin D levels, which can contribute to depression. 

Speak to a professional counselor

Processing grief on your own can be difficult. Even though family and friends may mean well, they may not always know how to help. Seeking a professional therapist can help you find support as you experience grief and mourning for a close relative. If you aren't sure where to start or don't want to leave home, you can also try therapy through an online platform like BetterHelp.

Online therapy can often be a more effective and convenient option for some, specifically if the grief process is causing difficulty leaving home or fulfilling basic needs. With an online platform, you can meet from any location with an internet connection via phone, video, or live chat sessions. You can also send messages to your therapist throughout the week, allowing you to receive support in more difficult moments.  

A recent meta-analysis of scientific literature found that online therapy can be effective for those currently experiencing grief. Across the seven reviewed studies, researchers found online therapy comparably effective to face-to-face therapy for addressing conditions like depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which may occur concurrently.