Learning The Definition Of Grief Can Be The First Step To Finding Peace
Grief is often a part of being human, and many people experience it throughout life. Some people may also believe that without the depths of grief, it is more challenging to fully appreciate moments of joy, beauty, and peacefulness. However, grief can be challenging and painful to experience. If you've ever grieved, or if you or someone you love is grieving currently, understanding the definition of grief and how it works for people worldwide may help you feel a sense of solidarity in your experiences.
Grief definition
Grief is a natural process. It isn't an illness or mental health condition. The roots of the modern word "grief" come from the Anglo-French word "gref," which denotes "hardship, misfortune, distress, and trouble." The following are a few synonyms for grief:
Distress
Despair
Frustration
Regret
Bereavement
Loss
However, grief is primarily defined as emotional pain or deep mental anguish in reaction to change. Often, grief is a response to the death or loss of a loved one or pet.
Aspects of grief
There are several distinct types of grief and terminology to learn, including the following.
Bereavement
After a loved one dies, the process you go through is called bereavement. Bereavement is defined as a period of mourning. However, it isn't necessarily limited to a specific amount of time.
In some places, the mourning period was defined by cultural norms. During the official bereavement period, after the death of a spouse, for example, rules may have been in place about how long you could wait before you remarry, date, or spend time alone with a person of the gender you're attracted to. After that time, it was considered acceptable to move on. In many modern societies and the US, a bereavement period is determined more by how quickly you pass through the grieving process. This period can vary from person to person.
Loss
The word "grief" is often associated with death, such as a death in the family or the death of someone you love. However, any loss can be a cause of grief. If you were fired from a job you loved, you might grieve. If you moved to a different city and left behind close family and friends, your loss could lead to grief. If you lost an eye or a limb, you could grieve.
People can also grieve lost artifacts or family heirlooms. Broken relationships, getting a pay cut, or finding out you have a terminal illness could all be reasons for grief. Many people also grieve when losing a pet to death.
Acute grief
Acute grief is the period directly after a loss has occurred (such as the death of a loved one). Anger, anxiety, and sorrow commonly occur with acute grief. You may struggle to concentrate as you process your grief during this time. This grief may pass naturally or become complicated grief.
Complicated grief
Complicated grief occurs when any factor interferes with a person's ability to overcome their sorrow and pain and find acceptance after loss. A person with inconsolable grief may see the future as unappealing and meaningless without their loved one. Complicated grief may also happen due to a traumatic loss. In many cases, therapy can be a beneficial treatment for complicated or prolonged grief.
Stages of grief
Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross came up with the five-stage model of grief in 1969. This model has become well-known and respected, and it's used extensively in grief counseling. The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Although Kubler-Ross first presented these stages as a linear model, you may pass through them in any order and revisit them several times before the grief process is complete. There's also a model that includes seven stages of grief. It includes two additional stages: the upward trend and the move toward seeking support.
Note that the Kubler-Ross model of grief is a theory, and although it is often helpful to grieving individuals, you might not identify with the concepts. Many people do not experience a linear scale of emotions, and others might feel comforted by having words to describe their experiences. Go with the theory that feels best to you.
Denial
Denial can mean you struggle to accept the loss you've experienced. Although you've lost someone you love, you might feel and behave as if nothing has happened. For example, maybe your boss fires you from a job where you've been successful for many years, and you go back to work the next day as if the event had never occurred. Some people may also experience denial about their denial.
Anger
In the anger stage of grief, you might feel extreme rage. Your anger may be directed at someone you feel has caused or contributed to the death. You might also be angry with the doctors caring for your loved one or yourself. Some people get angry at a higher power in their religion or the person who died. Anger can be a normal emotional response to grief. However, having the tools to cope with it can be beneficial.
Bargaining
Bargaining often involves an attempt to make a deal after a loss. Many people bargain with a higher power when they or their loved one is terminally ill. They pray, begging their higher power to take them instead of their loved ones. They might say they'll be better if their loved one recovers from their illness. Grieving children sometimes try to bargain with their parents, not understanding that the parent can't stop or reverse death.
Depression
According to Kubler-Ross, many people show symptoms of depression when they've recently lost a loved one. They may have disturbances in their sleep, poor appetite, or frequent sadness. If you find yourself depressed while grieving, it can be natural. However, if you experience severe symptoms of struggling to care for yourself, eat, or care for your children, reach out for support. There are many grief resources in the US, and people may be able to help you organize a routine.
Acceptance
Acceptance may not mean you've forgotten the person you cared for or completely moved on from their memory. Instead, it may mean living with the grief and growing around it, not feeling like it controls your life any longer. People may reach the acceptance stage multiple times in their grief, which may not be linear.
Why do humans grieve?
Grief is often considered an aspect of humanity. Loving another person is a part of life for many people. People may empathize with this loss when someone dies or loses someone, as they've often experienced a loss themselves. Losing someone you care about can be an extensive transition that can change your life forever.
Whether you're struggling because your marriage is over, your favorite pet has died, or your spouse is terminally ill, permanent change may occur. Learning how to live with such changes can feel challenging and sometimes impossible. Humans grieve as a response to loving, attaching, and caring.
As social creatures, it is often seen as strange not to grieve. Many animals, like elephants and chimpanzees, also have funeral rituals and grief.
Symptoms of the grieving process
Many of the symptoms of grief are the same across the board, regardless of the type. However, symptoms can vary from person to person and may affect you physically, mentally, and emotionally. Your behavior might change, and your symptoms can shift depending on what stage of grief you're going through. Below are a few of the most common signs of grief.
Symptoms of acute grief
If you or a loved one has lost someone, you may have acute grief symptoms. Experiencing acute grief is natural, but it often doesn't last longer than a year. The following are some of the signs that you or someone you love might be experiencing acute grief:
Bodily feelings of distress or pain
Frequent sighing
An empty feeling in the stomach
Shortness of breath
Tightness in the throat
A choking sensation
Muscle weakness
Fatigue
Chest pain
Palpitations
Nausea
Dizziness
Hair loss
Excessive crying
Feelings of disbelief or guilt
Sadness
Apathy
Anxiety
Panic
A feeling of emptiness or meaninglessness
Numbness
Fear
Loneliness
Feeling emotionally distant from others
Isolating behaviors
Feelings of irritability or anger
Restlessness
Insomnia
Absentmindedness
Difficulty concentrating
Trouble keeping up with daily activities
Thinking about your death
Obsessing over a loved one's death story
Hallucinations of the deceased
Feeling unable to express the words for your feelings
You don’t have to move through the stages of grief alone
Symptoms of complicated grief
Many of the symptoms of complicated grief are the same as those of acute grief, but they may be more intense and last much longer. If you haven't resolved your grief after about a year, you may have complicated grief and might benefit from grief counseling.
The following examples are signs of complicated grief:
Intense sorrow and pain that won't go away
Obsessive thoughts about the memory of your loved one
Making the deceased your primary focus in life
Inability to accept the death or loss
Longing for the person you lost
Feeling numb or detached
Experiencing feelings of bitterness
An inability to trust others
An inability to enjoy daily life or think of happy moments with your loved one
The sense that life has no purpose
Difficulty carrying out necessary daily activities
Isolation
Pervasive feelings of sadness
Depression
Thinking you should have died with your loved one
Nightmares
Scary persistent memories of your loved one
Symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
Tips for coping with complex grief
Kubler-Ross's five stages of grief are one of the most well-known models, but a psychologist named J.W. Worden devised a different framework. He called it the four tasks of mourning. Worden's model defines grief and outlines what may help individuals cope with a loss, including the following tips.
Step one: Accept the reality of the loss
After losing someone, it may be beneficial to accept the loss, telling yourself it has occurred. Try to understand, in all your thoughts and emotions, that your time with the person you've lost is over. Although it can feel scary to accept that a loss has occurred, it may help you move forward to other phases of grief more quickly.
Cope through the pain
Coping through the pain is sometimes the most challenging part of the grieving process. Instead of avoiding your feelings surrounding the loss, try to let yourself feel them. Your emotions might be complex, no matter how healthy and rewarding the relationship was. You might also experience emotions you don't understand, such as freedom or relief.
Working through the pain can involve letting yourself feel your emotions, but it can also mean releasing them and letting positivity back into your life. You may benefit from talking to a counselor during this period.
Adjust to life without the individual
As you start to cope with your emotional pain, you may find value in adjusting to your new circumstances. You may feel confused about what to do with your life following your loss. Try to find areas you are grateful for in your new life. Look at the positives that have come into your life since your loss.
Maintain connection while moving forward
Although your loved one is gone, maintaining a healthy connection with memories of them can be beneficial. Moving through grief often isn't about forgetting someone. If you find yourself avoiding all reminders of them, you may not be finished with the grieving process yet.
Finding support from a grief counselor
If you or a loved one is experiencing intense grief and struggling to cope with loss, there are many options for finding support. Grief counseling may help you move through your grief within a framework that makes sense to you. Many people contact a grief counselor through a grief center in their area. Others might look at exclusive practice therapists. You can also consider grief therapy online, which may be beneficial if you struggle to organize outside appointments.
Online therapy platforms like BetterHelp can match you with trained, qualified grief counselors to guide you as you navigate your grief. Since grief can lead to mental health conditions like depression, a therapist can offer coping advice and resources to support you in your mental healing. In addition, you can take advantage of extra features like webinars or an in-app journal to connect with your grief and process it openly.
Researchers have also found that online therapy can be a viable option for individuals moving through grief or experiencing complications from loss. One study assessed the efficacy of an internet-delivered cognitive-behavioral therapy program for prolonged grief disorder in adults. Researchers found that "most participants showed a clinically significant change in depression" and "improvement in symptoms of loss and typical beliefs in complicated grief." Participants also reported being highly satisfied with the treatment content, format, and usability.
Counselor reviews
"Sarah is a kind person who listens intently, focuses on issues, and then helps find successful strategies to deal with those issues. Never once did I feel that she was judging me or talking down to me. She was easy for me to open up to. She was professional, and she took me seriously. Together, we discussed issues of loss and grief from the passing of my father, which had become more than I could handle alone. She not only validated my feelings of loss, but she also helped me find ways to mitigate those feelings, break them down into their roots and causes, and then address them. Coping with grief and loss is hard work, but Sarah helped me find the tools I needed within myself to do that hard work and ultimately find success. I am a stronger person now. I am happy and confident. I may not know what is around the next corner, but I know that whatever it is, I can handle it."
"Rachael has been an invaluable partner while I worked through some difficult questions and choices following my husband's death. She is kind and thoughtful and listened to my questions, fears, and doubts. She challenged me with thought-provoking questions to help me work through my issues. I am forever grateful that she was in my life during this extremely challenging time."
Takeaway
Does grief only apply to death?
Grief applies to many things beyond the death of a loved one, but grief for reasons other than death sometimes does not seem as significant. Some experts refer to grief that occurs for reasons other than death as “disenfranchised grief.” This grief definition includes grief from things like losing a pet, job loss, or missing out on important milestones.
Disenfranchised grief tends not to be openly acknowledged and may not be publicly supported. Nevertheless, the grief from things other than death is valid, normal, and something most people experience. You can seek support and express your grief to sympathetic individuals; just because the grief isn’t from death doesn’t mean that it is inappropriate or abnormal.
How does grief change a person?
The experience of grief is different for everybody, but it is considered a universal emotion. Even though the process may be different, everyone experiences grief, and everyone can potentially be changed by it. Changes to how a person plans and implements routines may be a common way grief changes a person. For example, if a person and a loved one regularly go camping each summer, the person experiencing grief may avoid going after their loved one has passed.
The grieving process uses almost every part of the brain, from memory to perspective-taking and controlling pain. The potential for change after grief is profound; people can change in ways they might not have expected. It is possible to emerge from grief with radically different priorities and directions; it all depends on the person experiencing the grief and how they navigate it.
Does grief have to be about loss?
The grief reaction may not always be about death, but it is always about loss. When considering grief, many people think of bereavement, which is a form of grief that occurs following the loss of a loved one. However, many other types of losses can cause similar feelings. For example, a person might feel significant grief if they lose their job, during a breakup, or when failing to reach a goal, just to name a few.
Grief that arises for reasons other than a loved one’s death is often referred to as disenfranchised grief, and it may not be as readily accepted as bereavement. Regardless, disenfranchised grief represents a normal emotional response to a significant loss, and it is important to respect the grieving process, no matter whether death is involved.
Why is it important to understand grief?
Grief is a nearly universal emotion; most people understand it as a normal part of life. Everyone goes through a grieving process at some point, and the associated emotions can sometimes be intense. Developing a general understanding of grief can help people manage their own grieving process and be better prepared to help others navigate the sometimes-challenging aspects of grieving.
How does grief affect you socially?
The social impacts of grief can be profound. The research surrounding the usefulness of social support during grieving is mixed; some studies show that seeking support from others is helpful, while others have found that it does little to ease the grieving process. Experts are considering social disconnection as a way to explain this discrepancy. Social disconnection refers to a possible effect of grief that makes emotionally connecting with others more difficult during the grieving process.
Research suggests that many people report feeling differently in the company of others surrounding a significant loss and may feel as though emotionally connecting with supporters is overwhelming. They may also be sensitive to the negative consequences of expressing their grief-laden emotions in a social context.
Why grief is one of the most important processes in life?
Grief can sometimes seem burdensome and even like a force of destruction in a person’s life. This is not entirely unfounded; significant grief can increase the risk of mental and physical health problems, like cardiovascular disease or major depressive disorder. Despite the potential adverse consequences of grief, it is an essential psychological process that allows people to move forward following a loss.
Grieving is a unique process for everybody; there is no “normal” grief. Each person’s grieving process takes them through a distinctive grief journey of recovery and readjustment. For about 90% of people, the end of that process means that they experience happiness, engagement, and overall well-being similar to what they experienced before their loss. Grief, therefore, is an essential recovery process that is one of many reasons humans are highly adaptable.
Does grief affect decision-making?
Grief affects nearly every part of the brain, including decision-making and problem-solving. If someone is grieving, it may be worthwhile to encourage them to work with others to make major decisions. For example, someone who has lost their spouse will likely need to make significant decisions rapidly. Family and other loved ones should likely assist in that process, as grief can make all thought processes substantially more challenging.
Why is it so hard to deal with grief?
Grief is a complicated process that is different for everyone. The support a person needs may vary considerably based on their circumstances. For example, there is mixed evidence surrounding the benefit of social support for grief. In some cases, those experiencing grief experience quicker and less severe grieving when they seek support from others. In other cases, a person may struggle to emotionally connect with others while grieving and social interaction may prolong the process.
The differences in how social support is received are just one facet of many that determine how a person grieves. Because grief is so different for everybody, it may be hard to find tried-and-true solutions that allow a person to reduce the adverse effects of grief. Ultimately, grief happens at its own pace, and a lack of control over the process may contribute to some of the difficulty in managing it.
How do people deal with grief differently?
Each person deals with grief differently, although common themes appear. For example, some people rely heavily on support from loved ones, and others find social support to be challenging or unhelpful. Each person will cope in a way unique to them. Some people may immerse themselves deeply in thoughts of who or what they have lost, and others may avoid dealing with feelings directly.
No matter what approach a person takes, the normal course of grief tends to be common to most people. Most people experience physical symptoms like reduced appetite and fatigue. Many people experience mental effects like reduced concentration, impaired memory, depression, and irritability. Many people ruminate about their loss, replaying thoughts over and over again. As time passes, the intensity of emotions tends to diminish, and people begin to feel more like themselves. As grief fades, many people find new meaning in life and are able to be happy and content once again.
Does grief get easier over time?
Although everyone’s grief process looks different, evidence indicates that grief tends to get much easier over time for about 90% of people. The normal process of grief is one of recovery; it is a process that helps people readjust to a loss in their lives. About 10% of people will experience complicated - or prolonged - grief, in which intense symptoms last much longer than usual.
Uncomplicated grief usually has an acute period, when the emotions are most intense, of about 1 to 2 months. Complicated grief can have an acute period that lasts much longer, often more than six months. If your grief, or that of a loved one, has lasted several weeks or months, it is worthwhile to seek the help of a mental health professional. They will likely be able to help the grief process move forward.
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