Being Supportive: What To Say To A Grieving Man

While everyone may experience the issues mentioned in this article, please note that as part of our initiative to respond to the APA Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Boys and Men (2018), this article will focus on how this topic affects men and boys in particular. We use “men” to refer to people who identify as men.

What is grief?

Grief is a universal human experience in that it will touch virtually everyone at some point in during their life, and it can be experienced in response to a variety of experiences: the death of a loved one, the end of a long relationship, or the diagnosis of a terminal illness. However, grief is also a very individual experience in that all people process it differently. The way a person might handle grief is dictated by some combination of the circumstances, their personality, their past life experiences, and their culture and cultural conditioning. 

As a review of research on the topic reports, people socialized as men tend to show signs of grief differently than those socialized as women because of the fact that “men are reared to control emotional expression”. As a result, it can be hard to know what to say to comfort a grieving man. If you’re looking for what to say to a man in your life who has experienced a difficult loss, read on for tips and advice to consider when thinking about what to say to a grieving man.

Basic stages of grief

While everyone grieves somewhat differently, psychologists have formulated various basic stages of grief that are commonly experienced by people of all genders. There are different models, including five-, seven-, and even twelve-stage formulations. The most widely referenced is the five-stage model (also known as the Kübler-Ross model). 

Remember that it’s designed to be a basic framework to help people understand the process for a bereaved person rather than a prescriptive template for how grief should go. Some people will experience the five stages in order, while some will go back and forth between only two or three, or will stay in one longer and then skip ahead or back to another. Grief is not linear, orderly, or predictable.

The grieving process

The five elements of this model that you may witness in someone you love who is experiencing grief include:

• Denial: This stage may represent an evolutionary mechanism to defend a person from the full force of grief at first. If a person experiences denial, it’s usually characterized by a lack of emotion and an initial sense of disbelief about the loss. 
• Anger: Some people may experience a sense of anger about their loss—especially men who have been socialized to believe that anger is the only acceptable form in which they can express emotion. They might channel the anger at themselves, the cause of the loss, the person lost (if applicable).
• Bargaining: Someone who experiences this stage of grief might be consumed with a desire to go back in time and change the circumstances to avoid the pain. They might try to negotiate or bargain with whatever higher power they believe in in exchange for a reversal of the loss. 
• Depression: Though it’s one of the most common stages of the grieving process, still not everyone will experience depression—the phase when the individual is hit with the full force of their loss, usually manifesting as sadness and hopelessness. Men or those who are socialized as men, in particular, may have been raised to believe that they have to be a pillar of strength for others, which could mean they feel they can’t show sadness. 
• Acceptance: This is usually the final stage of the grieving process, though an individual may still return to other stages now and again as they settle into this one. It involves coming to terms with “the new normal” of life after the loss. A man or someone who is socialized as a man may appear to reach this stage sooner if they’ve been conditioned to hide or suppress their emotions. A person’s ability to reach this stage could be impacted if they experience complicated grief, which will be discussed in more detail below.

What to say to a grieving man

First, men may be more likely to isolate themselves when grieving, perhaps because of societal norms that prohibit or discourage them from showing emotion. They may also be less likely to have strong social support networks than women, resulting in higher rates of loneliness among bereaved men compared to bereaved women. Having good friends who can offer words of solidarity and encouragement, as well as listen to their grieving friend, can make a huge difference. 

Men may also be more likely to channel their grief into other activities as a form of escapism—potentially including risky activities. For instance, men are more likely to binge drink than women in general, and some may find the numbing effect of alcohol to be attractive when experiencing difficult emotions they feel they can’t express. Others may turn to risky sexual behaviors, drugs, or even pouring their energy into activities that aren’t inherently unhealthy—such as exercising—as a way to escape from their feelings. 

What to say to comfort a grieving person

It can be hard to know what to say or do when someone in your life is experiencing grief and you may be worried that you will say the wrong thing. It can be hard to know exactly what to say to someone to convey how much you care in just a few words. Comforting a man experiencing grief may come with additional difficulties because they may feel less in touch with or entitled to express their emotions. Below are some tips on how to provide support to a grieving man.

Make space but avoid expectations

Remember, grief can manifest differently from person to person, and what healthy grieving looks like for you may not be what it looks like for a man or any other person in your life. That’s why a helpful tactic for what to say to them can include offering a safe, supportive space for them to express their emotions, but without being prescriptive or pushy in regards to how or if they do so. Say, “I am sorry for your loss,” and say to them that it’s okay to be real and honest and okay to vent, cry, or process their feelings openly with you is usually a good start. However, know that they may not take you up on the offer and that forcing it will usually not be helpful. 

Be there for them

As mentioned above, men are more likely to self-isolate or lack community when grieving. That’s why simply being there for them during this time can be an effective way to support them. Depending on what they need, you might provide a listening ear, arrange activities to do with them as a form of distraction, or simply spend time in companionable silence if they’re not ready to talk but don’t want to be alone. Being there for them without trying to fix things or rush the grieving process can be powerful, especially if you’re able to do so in the way that they, specifically, may need. If you're not sure what this might look like, you can simply ask. This might entail helping with some tasks around the house or bringing over a meal for them to eat.

It can be challenging to know what to say to somebody whose wife or husband died. Whether it was unexpected or a situation in which a loved one was on life support, sometimes it helps to talk about what a great man or woman the person who passed away was. However, it’s generally best to tailor your condolences to the individual you’re speaking to. For example, if they’re religious and believe in God, you might talk about God’s plan and how their husband or wife is now in a better place. The worst things to say to a grieving man may be instances in which you don’t show compassion about what happened. Even if a man says he’s fine, that might not be the case.

Watch for signs of a mental health concern

In around 7–10% of cases, the average course of grief will escalate into what’s known as complicated grief, traumatic grief, or prolonged grief disorder. All three names refer to the same diagnosable mental health condition that’s characterized by debilitating symptoms of grief that continue longer than what would be culturally expected—usually one year or more for adults and six months or more for children. These symptoms include identity disruption without the lost loved one, emotional numbness, a marked sense of disbelief of the loss, intense loneliness, and intense emotional pain related to the loss. It’s also possible to develop a fear about losing one’s own life.

It’s also possible for someone who has experienced an event that triggers grief to develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) as a result. Symptoms of this mental health disorder can include intrusive thoughts, memories, flashbacks, or dreams about the loss, avoidance of triggering situations, irritability, angry outbursts, engaging in risky behaviors, being easily startled, trouble sleeping, distorted thoughts about the loss, feelings of emptiness, and others. 

It's important to get support early

It’s also worth noting that according to one study, participants who reported symptoms of PTSD were “significantly more likely” to report symptoms of complicated grief as well. The study also indicates that treating symptoms of grief-related PTSD when they first appear could help prevent the development of complicated grief in the future. If a man in your life who is experiencing grief shows signs of one of these mental health conditions, you might share resources with them as outlined below. Both conditions can negatively impact quality of life and functioning and both are associated with suicidal ideation and behaviors as well, so the right treatment and resources can be helpful and even life-saving.

Share resources

It can be helpful to express to the grieving man in your life that reaching out for help in processing their loss can be a sign of strength rather than weakness. Some men may also find it easier to open up to someone who doesn’t know them rather than to a loved one, especially in an environment where they can hear others talk about their grief and be heard as well. That’s why pursuing support groups or therapy may be helpful for them. Support groups allow grieving people to express themselves openly with others who have had similar experiences. There are support groups for people in many different grief-related situations, such as those who are coping with losing a loved one to cancer, suicide, or in military service, or those who have lost a child or spouse. Support groups may take place online or in person and may or may not be led by a mental health professional like a grief counselor.

Online therapy for grief

Therapy can be another useful resource and outlet for someone who is grieving. A therapist can provide them with a nonjudgmental, relaxed space in which they can discuss their emotions freely. Grief counselors and other mental health professionals can also provide them with healthy coping mechanisms and can address the symptoms of any mental health conditions they may be experiencing as a result of their grief. 

People in various communities and cultures still face stigma when it comes to seeking mental health care, and this includes many men. That’s why those who feel shame or embarrassment around visiting a mental health care provider at a physical office location might feel more comfortable speaking with someone online from the comfort of their own home. With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, individuals can get matched with a licensed therapist who they can connect with via phone, video call, and/or online chat. Research suggests that online therapy can be an effective intervention for those experiencing grief, so it’s an option worth exploring for those who feel they could benefit from this type of support. It can also be a helpful resource for an individual who is struggling to support a loved one through their grieving process.