Eliminating guilt: How to let go of shame, fear, and regret

Although guilt can be common, many people experience persistent feelings of guilt that make it difficult to function. 

Below, we’ll explore healthy, practical ways to get rid of guilt, accept responsibility, make amends, and process your feelings so that you can move forward. Read on to learn more about how to stop feeling guilty, including adaptive ways to manage your emotional reactions. 

What is guilt?

Guilt is a common human emotion that most people feel on an occasional basis. Psychologists define guilt as a self-conscious, distressing feeling that arises when a person thinks they are responsible for a negative outcome or have acted against their beliefs. 

Types of guilt

There are different types of guilt one can experience, including:

• Natural guilt (deontological): The negative feelings you experience when you understand that you’ve done something wrong or intentionally acted against your personal morals, values, or ethics 
• Altruistic guilt: Empathetic guilt you feel when realizing you have caused someone harm
• Anticipatory guilt: Guilt you feel before doing something you think is wrong 
• Existential guilt: Guilt related to not meeting expectations, accomplishing enough, or finding a life purpose
• Collective guilt (inequality): Guilt regarding imbalanced circumstances or inequalities, such as racial discrimination 
• Misplaced guilt (non-related): Feelings of guilt or other emotions connected to situations beyond your control 
• Survivor’s guilt: Guilt associated with a specific traumatic event that you survived but someone else didn't

What is the purpose of guilt?

Guilt can be an uncomfortable feeling, but it can also serve a purpose. Guilty feelings can motivate you to accept responsibility for your actions, offer a sincere apology, and do what you can to make amends. Guilt may also help you avoid the same action in the future, allowing you to modify your behavior to align with your individual values and moral code. 

When does guilt become toxic?

Feelings of guilt can become toxic when they no longer inspire positive changes. Toxic guilt, sometimes called chronic guilt, can make people feel an overwhelming (and often false) sense of responsibility. Many people who experience toxic guilt and shame have been through adverse childhood experiences and may have developed insecure attachment styles as a result. Abuse, neglect, inconsistent care, or lack of emotional support during a person’s early years can affect how they form and maintain relationships throughout their lives. 

Exploring the meaning and effects of shame, guilt, fear, and regret

While the following terms are often used interchangeably, each has its own meaning and describes different aspects of aversive, self-conscious emotions:

Guilt

Guilt is an emotion you experience when you act in opposition to what you view as right in terms of your sense of responsibility and moral values.

Shame

Shame is an inward-focused emotional reaction connected to self-reflection and how you feel about yourself.  According to the APA, shame is distinct from guilt in that “there is the additional strong fear of one’s deeds being publicly exposed to judgment or ridicule.”

Fear

When you feel guilty, you may also experience fear of punishment, such as legal repercussions, or you may fear that you're not a good person because you failed to meet self-set ideals. 

Regret

You may regret your actions, their outcomes, associated losses, or missed opportunities. This can often lead to other emotions, such as sadness and disappointment.

Tips for overcoming feelings of guilt, regret, shame, and fear

Guilt can be an overwhelming feeling. Although working with a licensed therapist may be one of the most effective ways of eliminating guilt, you can also try some of the following techniques: 

Identify the source of your guilt

Exploring your feelings may help you identify the source of your guilt, which may be related to underlying challenges you’re unaware of. You might ask yourself why you feel guilty and question whether your feelings are warranted.

Your guilt can be hidden beneath other symptoms, such as insomnia, depression, or anxiety, and you may not recognize it. You might try to identify what you're feeling and acknowledge how it affects you.   

Reshape negative self-talk

Your inner voice can become overwhelmingly negative, reinforcing the harmful emotions you experience. It may be possible to reshape negative self-talk, though it usually takes time and effort. It could be helpful to remember that a single choice does not define you, and one mistake doesn't make you a bad person. You might try to recognize negative self-talk and challenge inaccurate thoughts about yourself.

Recognize when your feelings are unwarranted

Some people may feel guilty even when they haven’t done anything wrong. Recognizing that it is illogical to feel guilt in a certain situation may make it easier to let go of guilty feelings. It may help to consider that you are not responsible for circumstances beyond your control. Even if you have done something that you consider wrong, it may help to remember that you don’t have to feel guilty forever.  

Focus on your positive actions

Guilt can be a strong feeling that sometimes overshadows more subtle emotions. Feelings of guilt may make it difficult to focus on your positive thoughts and behaviors. For example, you may fixate on real or perceived mistakes, overlooking positive behaviors and benefits you bring to others. It may help to write down positive actions so that you can review them when you’re experiencing excessive guilt.

Accept that self-care is crucial

Some people—particularly parents and caregivers—may feel guilty when they attend to their own needs. They might believe that their time is better spent taking care of their loved ones. However, including self-care in your regular routine may enable you to present a happier, healthier version of yourself to others and help you provide better care to those around you. 

Offer a genuine apology and make amends

If you’ve harmed someone, perhaps one of the best ways to move forward is to acknowledge how your actions hurt them, offer a sincere apology, and do what you can to make amends. Regardless of whether a person accepts your apology, you can move forward knowing that you’ve done what you can to make things right.

Address Underlying Concerns And Mental Health Conditions

Several mental health conditions can affect how you experience guilt. It may be helpful to start your mental health journey by eliminating underlying factors that could be influencing your feelings. During this process, it may help to speak with a licensed therapist. 

Qualified mental healthcare providers may use various therapeutic approaches to help individuals overcome their guilty feelings. If you don’t know where to start on your mental health journey, you might ask a therapist about these techniques: 

• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)
• Trauma-focused CBT (TF-CBT)
• Trauma-informed guilt reduction therapy (TrIGR)
• Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy (EMDR)
• Experiential therapy
• Grief counseling

Exploring how online therapy can help you work through guilt

Speaking with a licensed therapist online can provide support and guidance. A counselor may use one or more of the following therapeutic techniques:

Reshaping maladaptive cognitive and behavioral patterns

In therapy, you may find that you can identify negative or harmful patterns in how you think, feel, and act. Your therapist may help you reshape these negative patterns into healthier habits. 

Helping you forgive yourself

A therapist may be able to help you examine your feelings of guilt and their underlying causes, which may help you process those feelings so that you can release them. Therapy can teach you how to forgive yourself and move forward without the weight of your guilt. 

Reframing your perspective

A counselor may help you identify negative thoughts contributing to your feelings of guilt, reframing your views to form a more positive perspective. This process may help you challenge excessive guilt so that you can move forward with more accurate thoughts. 

Learning healthy, practical coping skills

Online therapy may equip you with the tools to manage your stressors, guilt, and other adverse emotions. These practical coping skills may enable you to process your feelings in healthy ways. 

How online therapy can help you eliminate guilt

Many people experience lingering guilt, fear, regret, or shame that they have trouble letting go of, but help is available. Working with a licensed therapist may help you learn healthy ways to understand, process, and move past your guilt. Various therapeutic approaches may be used to treat people experiencing guilt. CBT is a common method to help people explore the connections between how they think and feel and then change harmful patterns of thinking and behavior. 

If you’re experiencing excessive or persistent guilt, these feelings may make it difficult for you to open up to a stranger. If this is the case, an online therapeutic environment may help you feel more comfortable discussing your feelings. With remote therapy, you can attend sessions with a qualified mental health counselor from the comfort of your home via phone, video, or live chat.

Online therapy has been researched extensively, and the results are promising. Studies conducted by the American Psychological Association show that online and in-person psychotherapy offer similar outcomes. This means you can experience the benefits of traditional therapy without ever leaving your home.