How To Overcome Guilt And Regret After The Loss Of A Loved One

Losing a loved one can be a complex process that may be filled with strong, painful, and sometimes confusing emotions—including guilt and regret. You might have recurring thoughts of actions you wish you had taken or words you wish you had said or hadn’t. While painful, these feelings can be a natural part of losing someone close to you.

However, if you feel regret or guilt, it can make it difficult to move forward and begin to heal, so it can be crucial to learn how to manage these feelings healthily. Part of managing these feelings can involve recognizing these emotions and understanding that they can be a natural part of the grieving process. It may also be helpful to ask for professional support during this time.  

What is the difference between guilt and regret?

Guilt and regret can share some similarities, as they often involve looking back on a situation and wishing something had been different, but they are two separate experiences. 

Guilt is an emotion that occurs when a person thinks they've done the wrong thing or acted in unacceptable ways, which may be a behavior that goes against their moral or ethical beliefs. When you feel guilt, you may experience a strong desire to right the wrong. Contrarily, regret is experienced when a person is sad or disappointed about a past decision, action, or opportunity they missed. They might wish the situation had turned out differently, but they don't necessarily believe they went against their moral principles. 

The psychology of guilt and regret

From a psychological perspective, guilt is often tied to a sense of responsibility for one’s actions, remorse, and the desire to make up or apologize for what one has done. This feeling is closely linked to morality and ethics, as people may believe they've caused harm or gone against what is deemed acceptable. It is not guilt-tripping, a behavior someone might use to manipulate another person to feel terrible about their actions. 

Regret is often more related to self-reflection, as a person looks back on past events and tries to figure out what went wrong and how they could have done things differently. This emotion doesn't often involve moral or ethical judgments but may revolve around personal goals and wishes.

One way to tell these emotions apart is to determine whether there's an underlying sense of wrongdoing, responsibility, and a need to make the situation right (which would indicate guilt) or a desire for a different outcome (which would suggest regret). In some cases, people might mix up guilt and regret or experience both simultaneously. For example, someone might regret a missed opportunity while feeling guilty for not trying harder or letting other people down. 

After losing a loved one, feelings of guilt and regret can both be common. For instance, researchers note that after experiencing loss, bereaved individuals may think that they should have done more to try to prevent their loved one’s death or done more to have lived up to their expectations in their relationship with that person. 

How do true guilt and regret impact mental health?

Guilt and regret can negatively affect a person's mental health if they persist or become overwhelming. Feeling guilt or regret may cause emotional distress, as the person may be upset about their actions or decisions. Guilt, especially when it concerns one’s connections to other people (known as interpersonal guilt), may contribute to low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression. 

Regret can also lead to depression and anxiety, as well as physical symptoms, such as headaches, sleep problems, and changes in appetite. Recognizing the effects of guilt and regret on your mental and physical health may help you acknowledge when you’re experiencing these feelings and prompt you to find healthy ways to cope or seek professional support. 

How to let go of guilt and regret

Losing a loved one can be immensely painful and challenging, and guilt and regret can be among the mix of intense feelings that may arise in the wake of loss. You might struggle to move forward if your mother passed, your husband died, your father passed, or your best friend is no longer interested in being your friend. 

Any loss can lead to guilt and regret.  If you are experiencing this challenge, consider trying some of the strategies detailed below to help you overcome guilt and regret and move forward. 

Choose self-forgiveness

During these challenging times, learning to forgive yourself if you believe you’ve made mistakes or fallen short in some way may help you heal and find a way forward from the pain. You may learn to take responsibility for any decisions or actions while understanding that some situations are out of your control. You’re not alone in making mistakes. Looking back, you may see the situation more clearly than you did when it occurred. By forgiving yourself, you can learn from your past and grow as an individual. 

Practice self-compassion

In addition to forgiving yourself, trying to treat yourself with more kindness, understanding, and care can be a beneficial part of the healing process. By practicing self-compassion, you can offer yourself the same kindness and empathy you might give to a friend in a similar situation. Rather than being unkind to yourself or focusing on what you wish you could have done differently, try to be kind and patient, focus on what you did right, and find valuable lessons from your actions or decisions. 

Acknowledge and express your emotions

Sharing your feelings, whether through words or other forms of expression, may help lessen guilt and regret to support healing. Expressing emotions is not about rushing the process but giving yourself permission to feel and express your emotions as they come instead of suppressing them. 

Reevaluate your expectations

In some cases, you might feel guilty or regretful due to unrealistic expectations you placed on yourself. In these cases, it may be helpful to reevaluate these expectations with the understanding that nobody is perfect and that making mistakes is often part of being human. Adjusting your expectations and accepting your imperfections may help you release some of the guilt and regret that may have arisen from holding yourself to an impossible standard. 

Connect with others and remember your loved one

Another potential way to cope with guilt and regret is by seeking connection and finding ways to remember the loved one you've lost. Sharing memories with others, talking about the person who passed away, or writing letters to them can be comforting and help with healing. These actions can help you celebrate their life, appreciate your time together, and release guilt and regret by focusing on the love and joy they brought into your life. 

You may also benefit from connecting with others who understand your loss, such as friends, family, or grief support groups. These connections can offer comfort and understanding, potentially making the journey through grief less lonely.

Support options 

Beyond the strategies detailed above, meeting with a licensed therapist can be a helpful tool for some individuals coping with difficult emotions after losing a loved one. However, not everyone grieving has the time or energy to make an in-person appointment. 

Online therapy may be a convenient option for individuals experiencing guilt and regret following the loss of a loved one, as these feelings may sometimes seem too uncomfortable or vulnerable to discuss in an office setting face-to-face with someone new. With online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp, you can have sessions with a licensed therapist from your home, which may be more comfortable. 

Research has demonstrated the effectiveness of online therapy for individuals experiencing the loss of a loved one. One such study examined the effectiveness of online interventions for people experiencing bereavement. All the web-based interventions studied were based on cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), and the researchers found that the online interventions showed moderate to significant effects for symptoms of grief and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).