The role guilt and shame can play in boundary-setting in relationships

From psychologists to relationship experts to dating coaches, many people agree that setting healthy boundaries can be an important part of cultivating healthy relationships of all types—especially romantic relationships. However, doing so can be easier said than done. Learning to set boundaries is a process that usually takes time and patience, and it can be even more difficult when emotions like guilt and shame appear. Here, we’ll talk about what relationship boundaries are and what they can look like, how guilt and shame can affect the process of setting and enforcing them, and tips for crafting healthy boundaries in your own relationships.

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are limitations you place on your connections with others to protect yourself and your well-being. You can think of them as requests that you make of other people that describe what you are and are not comfortable with and how you’d like to be treated. Research suggests that most people begin developing boundaries as children, within their family dynamics. That said, it usually involves self-awareness, confidence, communication skills, patience, and time to learn how to set and enforce boundaries that are healthy, whether this is done throughout childhood with parental guidance or later on in adulthood. Healthy boundaries can help preserve your well-being and support authentic, safe relationships that are characterized by open communication, trust, and respect, which is why they’re widely viewed as important and foundational.

Types of boundaries in romantic relationships

There are lots of different types of boundaries you might consider setting within any type of relationship, though we’ll primarily be speaking of romantic relationships here. Key categories of boundaries you might choose to set include:

• Emotional, such as not raising voices at each other during disagreements or asking for space when you need it
• Intellectual, such as respecting each others’ opinions and viewpoints, even if they differ
• Physical, such as when and where you do and do not like being touched and your comfort level with displaying physical affection in public
• Financial, such as how much you’re willing to spend on dates and activities together and how you’d prefer expenses to be shared if cohabiting
• Sexual, such as what type of sexual touch you’re comfortable with or what types of sexual experiences you’re not open to exploring 
• Time, such as reasonable limits on how much time you’ll spend together so that you each have enough independent time for your own work, hobbies, and friends
• Digital, such as how frequently you each expect to be in contact via text or call or whether it’s okay to post photos of you together on social media

Defining guilt and shame

In general, guilt refers to regret or remorse a person feels in relation to a particular action or thought. It can be helpful in changing behaviors for the better in the future, but it can also be corrosive when experienced excessively and without cause or when weaponized by one partner against another. Shame refers to negative feelings toward oneself as a result of some thought, action, or experience. As well-known shame researcher Brené Brown puts it, guilt can be “adaptive and helpful” in encouraging us to change our behavior to better align with our values, while shame—or “the intensely painful feeling that [...] something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection”—is generally unproductive.

Guilt, shame, and boundaries

Both guilt and shame can show up in romantic relationships in many different ways, including in relation to boundaries. For example, you might feel guilty for setting a boundary—such as telling your partner you don’t have the emotional space to listen to them vent right now, even though you wish you could comfort them the way they want. Someone with a history of people-pleasing or perfectionism may be particularly prone to guilt in such a scenario. Similarly, being on the receiving end of this type of boundary might trigger feelings of shame—particularly if you have a history of being told that you or your emotions are “too much.” 

Making a conscious effort to manage feelings like these can help preserve the health of your connection and the well-being of both parties. After all, in this example, neither the person asking to vent nor the person sharing that they don’t have space right now did anything wrong. Building a space of trust and honesty together over time can help both people believe in this fact and move forward from situations like these without resentment.

Tips for maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships

Again, setting and enforcing healthy boundaries can help the individuals in a romantic relationship feel seen, loved, respected, and understood. However, learning how to do so can take time and may come with its fair share of challenges—one of which may be managing any feelings of shame and guilt that might arise. The following tips may help you and your partner in the ongoing process of setting safe and healthy boundaries with each other.

Identify your needs

Before you can delineate your limits in a particular area, you need to know what those limits are. Identifying them may be harder for some people than others. Self-reflection through practices like journaling, mindfulness through practices like meditation, and confidence-building through positive affirmations and self-compassion could all be helpful in this process. Then over time, it may become easier to get in touch with what you need and what you will and won’t accept in your relationships.

Get comfortable saying and hearing “no”

To enforce boundaries you’ve set in your romantic relationships, you’ll inevitably have to tell someone you care about “no”—and hearing “no” will be a part of respecting their boundaries, too. This can be difficult, and it’s a common scenario in which feelings of guilt can creep in. Practice over time is a keyway to get comfortable with such situations. You and your partner reminding each other that your boundaries are an expression of love and care for yourselves and each other and that you support one another in setting and enforcing them can also be helpful in pushing through the discomfort.

Be open to evolution

Maintaining effective boundaries in your relationship often involves finding a balance between standing your ground and being open to change. Enforcing boundaries that you’ve set is usually the key to benefiting from them. However, people and their needs will change over time. You may feel differently about a certain topic after a year of dating than when you first started seeing your partner, for instance. Standing by your current limits as needed but being open to their evolution—and adjusting and communicating any changes as you realize them—is typically key.

Learn about yourself and your relationship in therapy

Walking through life with another person can be rewarding but challenging, and many factors about our personalities and our pasts can affect the way we show up in the context of a romantic relationship. That’s why many people find it helpful to pursue individual and/or couples therapy as a source of support. 

In individual sessions, your therapist can guide you in learning about yourself, finding effective ways to regulate your emotions, and sharpening important skills for relationships, such as calm communication and boundary-setting without guilt or shame. If a mental health condition is affecting your functioning, well-being, or relationship, they can also help you address your symptoms. In couples therapy, your provider may help you and your partner see each others’ points of view, agree on ground rules for your relationship and your communication, and address any underlying issues that may be causing conflict.

If you’re interested in meeting with a therapist, deciding whether to pursue in-person or online care is typically a personal choice. Those who feel more comfortable meeting with someone face-to-face and are able to locate and afford a provider in their area may prefer traditional, in-person sessions. Those who aren’t able or willing to commute to in-person sessions, who lack adequate providers in their area, or who are looking for a more cost-effective therapy format might prefer online care instead. In this case, a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples may be worth exploring, since you can get matched with a licensed therapist in a matter of days who you can then meet with virtually from the comfort of home. Research suggests that both therapy formats likely offer similar benefits, so you can generally choose the one that matches your preferences.

Takeaway 

It’s widely agreed that having healthy boundaries within romantic connections is usually beneficial to both the individuals and the relationship itself. However, setting and enforcing boundaries isn’t always easy—particularly when emotions like guilt and shame come up. Identifying your needs, getting comfortable saying and hearing “no,” engaging in individual and/or couples therapy, and having patience can all be helpful on the road to healthier relationship boundaries.