When uncomfortable feelings arise, it might seem like being “cold-hearted” would be easier than living through the difficult emotional experience. Wanting to be or appear cold-hearted often stems from a desire for self-protection rather than a tendency to be self-centered, but this approach may have consequences for your overall health and relationships in the long run. Understanding why people might try to suppress their emotions and how an in-person or online therapist may help you with emotion regulation could be beneficial.

What does it mean to be cold-hearted?

Cold-hearted is a casual, nonclinical term sometimes used to refer to someone not showing emotion, potentially suppressing or detaching from their feelings instead. Others might perceive a “cold-hearted” person as selfish, unempathetic, or unfeeling, but emotional suppression often comes from an attempt at self-protection.

Why might someone want to become or appear cold-hearted?

Emotional suppression can also be a trauma response in some cases. For example, someone who was punished as a child for showing emotions may suppress their feelings to try and protect themselves from being hurt in that way again. In this case, trying to become “cold-hearted” or emotionally detached may be a coping mechanism aimed at self-preservation.

It’s also possible to want to simply appear cold-hearted to someone else. This desire often stems from wanting to seem strong, unhurt, or unaffected to another person. For example, a person might try to appear cold-hearted to their ex-partner as an attempt to preserve their pride, acting like the breakup didn’t hurt them emotionally, even if it did.

Is being cold-hearted ever helpful?

Being or appearing cold-hearted isn’t always a bad thing; the impacts of this behavior tend to vary depending on the situation. In certain cases, some level of emotional detachment may be a healthy part of setting boundaries. For instance, if someone is repeatedly attempting to guilt-trip or manipulate you for their own gain, detaching yourself from their emotional appeals may be a healthy way to protect yourself.

Also, emotional suppression as a trauma response is often a form of self-protection that may be helpful in the moment. However, this habit may have long-term negative effects if used frequently. An in-person or online therapist may help you process and start healing from past trauma.

“Cold-heartedness” vs. emotion regulation

It can also be important to distinguish between seeming “cold-hearted” and simply effectively managing one’s emotions. Emotional regulation may be considered an important skill for mental well-being and healthy relationships. While it may sometimes appear as “cold-heartedness” to others—for example, if you stay calm when faced with someone else’s strong feelings—it may actually be a sign of emotional balance.

The impact of emotional detachment on relationships

Emotionally detaching in a certain situation—to shield yourself from manipulation, for example— may be an adaptive response. If you consistently shut down emotionally, however, you may experience negative impacts on your relationships.

Consistently closing yourself off from your feelings may prevent you from being vulnerable enough to form or maintain healthy emotional connections with others. Being unable to connect emotionally with another person may make it difficult to form a sense of shared intimacy. When you’re emotionally distant, a friend, partner, or family member may feel disconnected from you, which might produce anxiety or conflict and make it difficult for the relationship to remain strong or grow.

The potential health impacts of emotional suppression

Frequent or ongoing attempts to suppress emotions might harm not just your relationships, but your overall health and well-being. Consistent emotional suppression may cause the body to release more cortisol, the stress hormone. 

Over time, a persistently engaged stress response might lead to many different health impacts, from disrupted sleep and decreased immune function to muscle tension and increased risk of heart attack and stroke. It may also boost your risk of developing certain mental health challenges, like depression or anxiety. Plus, suppressing emotions to avoid negative feelings may also make it harder to experience positive ones when they arise.

Signs that emotional suppression may be hurting you

Some possible signs that emotional suppression may be harming you might include:

• Mood swings and irritability
• Feeling disconnected from loved ones
• Emotional numbness
• Withdrawing socially
• Muscle tension
• Trouble sleeping
• Fatigue

If you experience effects like these, trying the strategies below and working with a therapist might be helpful in reconnecting to your emotions.

Healthier approaches to emotions than trying to be cold-hearted

Trying to be or appear cold-hearted is often a way to try and protect yourself. However, there may be healthier and more effective alternatives to consider. 

Learning emotion regulation strategies

While suppressing your emotions altogether may seem safer or less painful, feelings can be part of the human condition and may cause problems when they’re not fully experienced. Instead of trying to avoid them, learning emotion regulation techniques may help you process your feelings more effectively. Some strategies to consider exploring include: 

• Mindfulness meditation, which may help you recognize feelings as they arise
• Body scans, yoga, or other somatic exercise to get in touch with your body and how different emotions may feel physically
• Positive self-talk, which may help you build confidence in your ability to manage strong emotions and difficult situations
• Personal journaling about how you feel, which may help you get more in touch with your emotions as you write

Working with an in-person or online therapist may help you develop healthy emotion regulation skills.

Practicing self-compassion

Self-compassion “refers to being supportive toward oneself when experiencing suffering or pain—be it caused by personal mistakes and inadequacies or external life challenges.” Research suggests that it may be a constructive way to cope with distressing thoughts and feelings. This practice can look like:

• Avoiding self-judgment
• Using gentle and understanding self-talk
• Recognizing that it’s human and okay to feel what you’re feeling

Setting healthy, balanced boundaries

If you realize that you’re trying to act “cold-hearted” in order to protect yourself in relationships, it might be beneficial to consider setting boundaries in another way. First, you can reflect on what kind of boundaries you might want to draw in a given relationship. For example, if a friend frequently guilt-trips you into doing things you don’t want to do, this might be a good area in which to set a boundary.

Next, you might approach the person and directly express your boundary using an “I” statement. It can be gentle and casual as long as it’s clear. With a guilt-tripping friend, you might say something like, “I feel uncomfortable when you try to get me to do something I don’t want to do. It would be helpful for me to have my “no” respected.” If your friend works on respecting this boundary, you might be able to remain emotionally engaged in the relationship without experiencing this behavior that you find draining.

Getting support in processing trauma

Someone who tries to be cold-hearted to avoid emotions or situations associated with past trauma may benefit from reaching out to a mental health professional for emotional support. A therapist or counselor can use evidence-based, trauma-informed therapy methods to gently help you address the experience and work toward healing. If you’re living with signs of a trauma-related mental health condition like post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), a therapist may suggest a treatment plan for your symptoms.

When to seek professional support

If you happen to find yourself wanting to be cold-hearted, you might find it helpful to meet with a therapist. Since suppressing your feelings has the potential to cause health challenges, you may benefit from working with a professional to find more adaptive ways to cope with difficult emotions. 

It may be especially important to seek mental health care if you’re experiencing signs of a mental health condition (like depression, anxiety, or PTSD) or are living with the effects of past trauma. Without treatment, mental illnesses and trauma-related challenges may worsen. At a certain point, they may also lead to additional concerns.

How a therapist can help

A therapist may provide a safe space for you to express how you feel and develop techniques for emotion regulation. They might use evidence-based approaches like dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) to help you learn to manage strong emotions or cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to help you reframe negative thought patterns. Or, if you’re experiencing emotional effects of past trauma, they might use cognitive processing therapy or another trauma-informed approach.

Getting emotional support in online therapy

Speaking about your emotions with a therapist face to face might feel difficult, especially if you’re having difficulties with emotional suppression. In this case, you might find online therapy to be a more comfortable option for receiving care.

BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that can match you with a therapist according to your needs and preferences, which can be an easier way to find a provider than spending time searching yourself. You can then meet with your therapist virtually, via phone, video, or live chat, from home or anywhere you have an internet connection. In many cases, online therapy appointments can also be more affordable than in-office sessions.

Does online therapy really work?

According to a growing body of research, many types of talk therapy can be as effective online as they are in person. For example, consider a 2023 study on internet-based interventions for treating post-traumatic stress disorder. Its findings suggest that virtual cognitive behavioral therapy can often be as effective as in-person CBT for treating PTSD.