How To Deal With Regret And Protect Mental Health

While “living life with no regrets” is often cited as an aspirational goal, it can be common to experience some regrets about certain past actions, inaction, or even events that were out of your control. Regret may motivate a person to reflect on their choices and look for lessons to carry with them into the future. However, fixating on regrets may negatively impact well-being. Below is an overview of what regret is, how it can affect you, and strategies for moving through this emotional experience in a healthy way.

What is regret?

The American Psychological Association defines regret as “an emotional response to the remembrance of a past state, condition, or experience that one wishes had been different.” This feeling can be big or small, lasting or fleeting, and potentially caused by many different types of situations. Regret is not the same as guilt or shame, but these emotions can sometimes co-occur with regret if the person believes they made a choice that isn’t aligned with their values. 

Why regret can be so painful

The experience of regret can often be emotionally painful and difficult to cope with. One potential reason is that it involves the understanding that it may be impossible to change the choice or outcome now, creating a sense of powerlessness that can be difficult to cope with. It may also make a person feel frustrated with themselves for not responding differently or making a “better” choice. This thought could lead to guilt, shame, and critical self-talk.

What causes regret?

Regret can stem from a person’s action or inaction, or even from events they had no control over. For example, someone might feel regret for something they did in the past but wish they hadn’t—such as hurtful words said to a loved one, an action that had a negative consequence, or a decision that didn’t turn out as planned. Or, someone could regret not having done something, such as not applying for a promotion or not asking someone they liked out for a date. 

Regret can also be linked to circumstances out of your control, such as regret that the death of a relative happened before or that you grew up in one place over another. A person may experience career regret, relationship regret, moral regret, or regret that applies to many other areas of life.

According to a 2024 survey, some common regrets among US adults include:

• Not asking out a crush
• Spending money on a particular purchase
• Fighting with friends or family
• Making an unnecessary comment

Regret in the modern world

Living in a world of social media and other new technologies may add a unique element to the experience of regret. If you post something (or someone else posts something about you) online that you regret, the visible, public nature of it may exacerbate feelings of regret. You may imagine or hear judgment and bad things from others in addition to experiencing your own self-criticism, which might make regret harder to move through. Setting ground rules with yourself about what you post and working with a therapist to find balance in your social media use may be helpful.

How regret can be harmful

A sense of regret may sometimes help a person grow and make more positive decisions in the future, but it can also be harmful if it’s not carefully managed. First, ruminating or fixating on times when you made decisions you wish you hadn’t may lead to obsessive thought loops and excessive self-criticism, which can harm mental health.

The stress of experiencing a strong sense of regret may also lead to physical health impacts in some cases. Trouble sleeping and a decreased immune response are examples of possible effects, and ongoing stress may also make a person more likely to develop certain illnesses.

The self-criticism spiral and how to break it

In some cases, ruminating on your regrets can lead to a self-criticism spiral, when your regret morphs into disparaging thoughts about yourself. For example, imagine you’re fixating on the regret you feel about saying something hurtful to a friend. The process could lead your “inner critic” to make harsh and distorted generalizations in the form of thoughts like, “Only a bad person would say a horrible thing like this,” or “You always ruin relationships.” 

Over time, this kind of thought pattern may harm self-esteem, lead to self-hatred or self-loathing, and contribute to or exacerbate a mental health condition. In such cases, it can be helpful to recognize the difference between self-criticism and accountability.

• Self-criticism involves a largely or wholly negative evaluation of your choices or abilities, and it may be a risk factor for depression and social anxiety disorder
• Accountability can be defined as “an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions,” which may help you learn from mistakes and promote personal growth without the potentially harmful effects

If you’re struggling to practice accountability without harsh self-criticism, working toward self-compassion and self-kindness may help. Self-compassion refers to “being supportive toward oneself when experiencing suffering or pain, be it caused by personal mistakes and inadequacies or external life challenges.” 

It’s not the same as self-indulgent avoidance, which usually involves a lack of accountability. Instead, self-compassion can look like recognizing your mistakes, identifying lessons for the future, and working toward self-improvement without harshly judging yourself for the choices you regret.

How to interrupt a thought loop of regret

Again, while reflecting on past mistakes may help you learn from them, obsessive thinking about your regrets may not be constructive. Signs you may be stuck in a thought loop of regret can include repetitive thoughts, trouble thinking about anything else, and increasing distress the more you dwell on the situation. 

Some strategies that may help you interrupt or disengage from obsessive thoughts about a situation you regret include:

• Aim to sit with the thought instead of reacting or trying to get rid of it
• Try a grounding strategy like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or a short burst of exercise
• Distract yourself by taking a walk or talking with a friend

In some cases, persistent obsessive thoughts may be a sign of a diagnosable condition like generalized anxiety disorder or obsessive-compulsive disorder. Working with an in-person or online therapist may be beneficial if you’re experiencing symptoms of a mental illness or want help managing distressing thoughts.

Tips for working through regret

Moving through an emotional experience of regret can take time. The following strategies may help you in the process.

Reflect on the situation in a constructive way

Reflecting on the situation without rumination may help you identify its lessons and start moving forward. You might begin by naming the regret and validating the emotions it makes you feel. Then, you might search for any lessons you can take from this experience and apply them to similar situations in the future. 

The Anxiety and Depression Association of America recommends that you ask yourself the following questions to think about past regrets more productively:

• Could I have acted any differently, considering the stage in my life and the information or experiences I had up until that point?
• Was it only me, or did anything or anyone else contribute to my mistake?
• Is there anything I did right in the situation, or things I can be grateful for?
• As a result of this regretful experience, have I changed how I behave and respond to similar situations?
• Is there anything I can do now that will make any difference in how I think and feel about the situation I regret?

It may help to journal about these questions or talk them out with an in-person or online therapist. In hindsight, you may also see more nuance in the situation than you did in the moment it happened, such as how it produced both positive and negative outcomes. As a result, you may be able to release some of the pain associated with the regretful situation because you may have a more well-rounded view of it, how you may have benefited, and a plan for what you can do differently next time. 

Make amends if possible

If your regret stems from a situation where your action or inaction negatively affected someone else, making amends, if possible, may help you move forward. For instance, offering a sincere apology to the person may help you release some of the regret and related painful emotions you may be feeling. 

You may not be able to change what happened, and working toward acceptance of that fact can be helpful. Still, a concrete action like an apology or other amends may help you connect with the idea of closure so you can start moving forward emotionally. It can often take time to rebuild trust in one relationship or another, but healing and reconciliation may be possible on the path forward.

Forgive yourself

Mistakes happen, and everyone makes them. While reflecting on them and aiming to improve in the future can be constructive, holding on to the regret and shame of something you wish you’d done differently may be debilitating and harmful to your mental health. Forgiving yourself for past mistakes may help you release the pain of them, make peace with the situation, and move forward. move on. One method you might consider trying is the REACH model of forgiveness, which stands for:

• Recall or face the hurt
• Empathize with the person who made the mistake—which, in the case of personal regret, means being kind and compassionate to yourself
• Altruistically offer yourself forgiveness
• Commit publicly, which means sharing your feelings and decision with someone else.
• Hold on to that forgiveness, staying true to your decision to let your past mistakes go.

Though cultivating self-forgiveness and repairing your own relationship with yourself may take time, research suggests that self-forgiveness may help improve both mental health and interpersonal connections. 

Speak with a therapist

Moving through a potentially powerful emotion like regret may sometimes be difficult to do on your own. A mental health professional, like a therapist, can create a safe space of nonjudgmental listening, which may allow you to process your emotions, reflect on the situation constructively, and get support in cultivating more meaning from the situation and moving forward.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is one talk therapy approach that a mental health professional may use to help you work through regret. CBT involves teaching individuals how to recognize and shift distorted thoughts. This approach may help with many things, such as potentially redirecting negative thought loops of regret and self-judgment related to your current circumstances.

Tips for avoiding future regret

Regret is often considered part of the human condition, with most people regretting a few things in their own lives at some point, to some degree. It may not be possible to control all outcomes and avoid regret entirely. However, a few strategies may help you make decisions that are aligned with your values more often to potentially reduce future regret. 

Some tips include:

• Make decision rules for big choices. You may not be able to create a hard and fast rule that applies to every situation in your whole life. However, you could make a deal with yourself (such as “wait three days before making a major decision”) to potentially avoid impulsive choices and experience less regret as a result.
• Do a values check first. Journaling about your own needs and core values or exploring them with a therapist may give you a sense of orientation when you make decisions. Then, you can compare a potential choice to your values to make sure it aligns.
• Accept uncertainty. You might remember that neither option may seem 100% right in some cases. If this occurs, you may benefit from practicing the subtle art of working to accept life’s uncertainty so you can move forward anyway. 

When to seek professional support

When you feel bad because of regret, a therapist may be able to help you work through these feelings. Potential red flags that could indicate a need for support as soon as possible may include:

• Strong self-criticism
• Obsessive and distressing thoughts
• Self-hatred or self-loathing
• Signs of depression, anxiety, or another mental health condition

If you’re experiencing signs of self-harming behaviors or suicidal ideation, seek immediate in-person support.

Exploring online therapy as an option for care

If you’re interested in seeking therapy, you have options. Those who would prefer to meet with someone in person can search for a provider in their local area. Those who find it more comfortable to meet with a provider virtually from their home might consider online therapy. 

With a virtual therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed therapist whom you can meet with via phone, video call, or live chat from anywhere with an internet connection. If the therapist you get matched with isn’t the right fit, you can request to switch providers for no additional cost in just a few clicks. 

Another potential benefit of online therapy is that it tends to be more affordable than traditional, face-to-face therapy without insurance. Since online therapists tend to have fewer overhead costs, they may be able to charge less for their services. In other words, BetterHelp may be a convenient and affordable way to receive care for those who prefer this format.

What does the research say about online therapy?

A growing body of research suggests that online therapy can often be as effective as in-person therapy for treating a variety of mental health concerns and conditions. For example, one study reports that, “Clinically, therapy is no less efficacious when delivered via videoconferencing than in-person,” especially CBT.