Setting Healthy Boundaries: How To Say No

Healthy boundaries can promote safety, respect, and trust. However, despite the benefits of boundaries, many people find it difficult to enforce them. By understanding why it’s hard for you to tell others no, you can begin to challenge the false assumption that saying no means you’re selfish or unkind. Saying no can strengthen your personal goals, sense of self, and self-confidence. Working with a therapist can be helpful if you find defining and enforcing your boundaries to be challenging.

What are boundaries?

Personal boundaries can be defined as limits and rules that can establish safety, individuality, and guidelines for how you want to be treated. Boundaries are not necessarily fixed, and you may display one or several of the following patterns of boundaries in relationships: 

• Rigid boundaries: These tend to be characterized by emotional or physical distance, avoidance of intimacy, a low likelihood of asking for help, few close interpersonal relationships, protectiveness, and detachment from others. 
• Open boundaries: These may include oversharing information, having trouble saying no, becoming enmeshed in other people’s problems, struggling with decision-making, accepting harmful behaviors from others, and desiring to please others out of fear of rejection or abandonment. 
• Healthy boundaries: These are typically distinguished by staying true to your core values, honoring your own opinions, being vulnerable in appropriate circumstances, understanding and communicating needs, and respecting the boundaries of others. 

Types of boundaries

Healthy boundaries can protect you from excess stress, keep your identity and values intact, reduce conflict, preserve autonomy, and maintain well-being. As you begin defining your healthy boundaries, it can be helpful to consider the different types of boundaries. 

Physical boundaries

Physical boundaries usually apply to physical space, touch, and needs. For example, you may not be comfortable shaking hands during cold and flu season. Expressing physical boundaries may sound like:

• “Hi, I prefer not to hug, but it’s great to see you again.”
• “Let’s take a break from hiking. I need to catch my breath and have some water.” 
• “Welcome to my home. My room is my personal space, but if you need anything, please let me know.”

Physical boundaries can be violated when you receive unwanted physical touch, your personal space is not respected, or your physical needs are denied or ignored.

Emotional boundaries

Emotional boundaries typically concern feelings, often establishing limits on what personal information is or is not appropriate to share in various circumstances, sharing with people who respond appropriately, and limiting emotional conversations to what you can handle at that moment. Setting emotional boundaries can look like this:

• “I’m sorry to hear that happened, and thank you for sharing. I’m really overwhelmed right now and don’t think I can give this conversation my full attention. Can we return to this discussion later this week?”
• “I feel discouraged when I share my feelings and the response is accusatory. I need to share with someone who can listen without offering their opinion.”

Sexual boundaries

Sexual boundaries generally revolve around enthusiastic consent, respect, and understanding. They often concern how people touch, see, and treat you and what you’re comfortable doing to someone else. According to Planned Parenthood, sexual boundaries may revolve around: 

• Clothing: What clothes are you comfortable removing? 
• Body parts: Where do you want to touch, be touched, see, or be seen? 
• Activities: What activities are you comfortable performing or participating in? 

Sexual boundaries can be respected by asking for consent (which can be revoked at any time), discussing preferences, talking about sexually transmitted infection history and contraception use, and checking in frequently. Examples of setting sexual boundaries may look like this:

• “I enjoy over-the-clothes touching, but let’s hold off on touching each other under our clothing. Is that something you’re comfortable with?”
• “Have you had STI testing?” 
• “I don’t enjoy that, but I’d like to hear what else you might be interested in trying.”

These boundaries can be violated when consent is not asked for, someone is pressured to do or see something sexual, unwanted sexual comments are made, unwanted touch occurs, or someone lies about things like contraception or sexually transmitted infections.

Intellectual boundaries

Respecting others’ opinions, thoughts, and ideas can be central to intellectual boundaries. This boundary may be crossed when someone’s thoughts are dismissed or discussed in inappropriate settings. When someone crosses your intellectual boundaries, you can let them know: 

• “I understand that we have different opinions, and we can discuss them at a later time, but right now, this has become unproductive.” 
• “I love talking to you, but we cannot discuss politics anymore. I respect that you have different opinions, but these conversations have become hurtful. I’d like to hear about what your plans are for the weekend instead.”
• “I cannot have another conversation about this because what you’re saying violates my values.”

Intellectual boundaries can be crossed when someone shuts down, belittles, or denies the thoughts or ideas of someone else. 

Financial or material boundaries

Financial or material boundaries can establish healthy expectations for how you share money and personal possessions, who you choose to share material and financial possessions with, and how you will engage with your finances. To establish and maintain financial and material boundaries, you might say: 

• “I don’t lend out my car on weekdays.”
• “Sure, you can borrow some clothes for the event, but I’ll need them back next week.”
• “I can cover your utility bills on this one occasion, but I will not give you money for vacations.”

Financial boundaries can be violated when you’re pressured to lend or give things, or when your items are stolen or carelessly damaged.

Time boundaries

Time can be seen as a resource, and you generally have the right to determine how to use your time. Time boundaries may reduce the risk of over-committing yourself. Consider the following examples when setting time boundaries: 

• “I don’t have time to talk daily on the phone, but I can set aside an hour on weekends to catch up.” 
• “I’d love to join you for dinner, but I can only stay for an hour.”
• “I have another commitment, so I won’t be able to attend the event.”
• “I’d be happy to revise the project. I charge an hourly rate of ___.”

When your time is violated, you may be asked to provide free professional work, spend more time with someone than you reasonably can or want to, work overtime at your job, or have little time for your own needs. 

Non-negotiable boundaries 

While some boundaries may be flexible, others can be unwavering. Examples of non-negotiable boundaries may look like: 

• “Having children is a priority for me. I cannot enter a long-term relationship if my partner doesn’t prioritize having a family, too.”
• “Since your dog has a history of biting, I can’t let my children go over for a playdate if the dog will be indoors with them.”

When violated, non-negotiable boundaries are typically not compromised and may necessitate ending relationships.

Why is it so hard to say no? 

By saying no, you can make time for yourself, sustain your values, and establish healthy relationships defined by mutual respect. However, even when people understand the benefits of respecting boundaries, it can be tempting to say yes whenever someone asks you for something. If you have trouble saying no, you might be thinking one of the following things:

“I need to be nice”

Though you may have been taught that saying yes is polite, saying no does not necessarily make you a mean or unkind person. By freely saying no when you need to, you can demonstrate respect for your boundaries and mental health. Additionally, when you don’t overcommit yourself, you can reduce the risk of becoming resentful of yourself or others.  

“If I don’t accommodate someone else, I’m selfish”

Merriam-Webster defines a selfish person as someone who is only concerned with themselves without consideration for others. Saying no isn’t always selfish; it can be about honoring your boundaries, needs, and limitations.

“What if saying no hurts my future goals?”

In the workplace, you may be worried that saying no will hurt your career prospects or make you look like you’re not a team player. However, Susan Newman, Ph.D. and author of The Book of No, says that saying no lets you focus on your goals. In contrast, saying yes all the time can be counter-productive to your goals by forcing you to deliver lower-quality work. 

“What if saying no hurts their feelings or causes conflict?”

In general, you cannot control the feelings of others, but you can say no in a way that is both honest and kind. Consider saying something less blunt, such as, “That won’t work for me,” “Unfortunately, I can’t commit to that right now,” or, “Thanks for thinking of me, but I’m not available.” Certain people may still react negatively when you gently tell them no, but their response is usually not your responsibility. 

How to set healthy boundaries by saying no

The following approaches can help you say no the next time someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do or don’t have time for.

Suggest alternatives

If your friend asks you to join them for a concert, but the tickets are too expensive, consider saying something like, “Thanks for inviting me! The tickets are out of my price range, but let’s grab lunch if you’re available.” 

Set a clear boundary

If someone asks you if you want to kiss, but you’re not romantically interested in them, it can be helpful to make a firm statement rather than saying, “Maybe later.” You might want to try saying something like, “I appreciate you asking, but I am not interested in doing that.”

Give a reason

If it’s not personal, consider letting them know why you’re saying no. For example, “I would say yes, but I’m swamped with this marketing project and cannot commit myself to anything until the end of the month.” 

Be straightforward

It’s okay to say, “No, thanks.” “No” can be a complete sentence. You do not always need to offer an apology, an alternative, or an explanation. 

When someone asks something of you, consider whether it may violate your physical, sexual, intellectual, emotional, financial, material, or time boundaries by asking yourself the following questions:

• Is it something I genuinely want to do? 
• Do I have the time to commit to it? 
• Do I have the physical and/or emotional energy for it?  
• Will it put a strain on my finances?

Therapy can help you discover your boundaries 

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) generally emphasizes reframing unhelpful thought patterns, building healthy coping skills, managing stress, and learning how to be assertive about boundaries. Research shows CBT can promote self-compassion and reduce avoidant behaviors, rumination, and perfectionism. Additional studies have found that CBT can improve healthy assertiveness and self-efficacy. 

Benefits of online therapy

For people who feel more comfortable talking about emotions when they aren’t face-to-face with a therapist, or for those who don’t have time to commute to a therapist’s office, online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp may be a more accessible option. You can make a phone call, communicate via online chat, or participate in a videoconference, depending on your preferences. 

Effectiveness of online therapy

While more research may be needed regarding the efficacy of online therapy for helping adults set healthy boundaries, existing studies suggest that online and in-person therapy tend to have the same level of effectiveness. Both options can be valid for those interested in seeking professional help.