Mind If We Talk? Season 2: What It’s Like to Grow Up Low Income

Welcome to Episode 1 of Mind If We Talk? Season 2

Mind If We Talk? is an original mental health podcast created by BetterHelp and Acast Creative Studios that opens up real conversations about life’s challenging moments, and how therapy can help us navigate them. Over the course of 10 episodes, Season 2 brings two people together to share different perspectives on experiences that are deeply felt, yet rarely discussed. Through guided conversation, guests reflect on what they wish others understood about their inner world and what it means to truly listen and be seen. Each episode is hosted by Dr. Sreela Roy-Greene, a licensed BetterHelp therapist, who gently guides the conversation and offers therapeutic insight along the way.

Episode 1: I Wish You Knew… What It’s Like to Grow Up Low Income

Money is rarely just about numbers. For most of us, it carries shame, fear, and stress. And for those who grew up low-income, early emotions and memories around money can actually continue to come up as triggers in adulthood, even if that’s no longer their reality.

On the first episode of Season 2 of "Mind If We Talk?", host and licensed mental health counselor Sreela Roy Greene sits down with the founder of OverGenPoverty, Viviana Vazquez, and her husband Xavi. For nearly two years, Viviana hid her financial struggles and low-income background from Xavi, too ashamed to let him in. When she finally opened up, it changed everything. Their conversation with Sreela dives into topics of hyperindependence, being the eldest daughter of immigrant parents, and learning how to accept help from your partner when you’re used to being the one that other people rely on.

Then, in the second half of the episode, Sreela is joined by licensed therapist Sarah Close from BetterHelp. Together, they explore how childhood financial stress shapes our nervous system, why money conversations feel so loaded in relationships, and how couples with different money stories can build real trust.

If you've ever felt ashamed or anxious to talk about money, or know a loved someone who has, this episode is for you.

When “normal” still felt lonely

VIVIANA:

It was a secret for a really long time. [...] I never told him that I was struggling financially. And it wasn't until maybe two years in a year, two years in where I told him, “Hey, I really need to talk to you about something. I'm super embarrassed about it, but I just wanna be open and honest with you. And I am in a lot of credit card debt and I'm also, you know, struggling to keep my head above water.

SREELA

Welcome back to ‘Mind If We Talk?’, where you get to be a fly on the wall for mini therapy sessions, and learn some mental health tips in the process.

I’m your host, Sreela Roy Greene, a licensed mental health counselor with BetterHelp, with over 19 years of experience.

This season is all about bringing people together who see the world a little differently… and who want to understand one another better.

In each episode, I’ll be sitting down with two people who’ve agreed to have a real, vulnerable conversation. I’ll help them explore the thorny emotions and topics they may have turned away from in the past. And no subject is off limits. We’ll be diving into everything from grief to menopause to caregiving.

And, just like last season, after each mini therapy session, we’ll spend the second half of our episodes sitting down with an expert to break down what we heard and how you might apply it to our own life.

Today, to kick off our season, we’re talking about what it’s like to grow up low-income – and the lasting implications it can have.

While a lot of us don’t often talk very directly about social class, it shapes more than we realize. Research shows that most people tend to partner with someone who grew up in a similar financial environment. When that happens, couples often share unspoken assumptions about spending, saving, and what “normal” looks like. But when two people come from different class backgrounds, those assumptions don’t always match — and that can create tension.

“So what happens when two people love each other, but carry very different money stories?”

Today, we’re speaking with Viviana Vazquez, a financial educator and influencer. Also joining the conversation is her husband, Xavi.

The two met in college. They were both first-generation students, but their childhood experiences with money were not the same.

Viviana grew up knowing money was tight. She was aware of her parents’ financial stress from a young age, and as the eldest daughter, she felt a sense of responsibility to help. Xavi’s parents were also immigrants but he describes his upbringing as more solidly middle class.When he and Viviana began dating, those differences weren’t immediately apparent.

For nearly two years, Viviana kept her financial struggles to herself. Not because she didn’t trust Xavi, but because she was embarrassed. She was worried about being judged.

When she finally told him, it opened up a much bigger conversation. Not just about credit card debt, but about childhood experiences, expectations, fear, and what partnership really means.

And later in our episode, I’ll sit down with licensed therapist Sarah Close from BetterHelp to explore how growing up low-income can shape the nervous system, how financial shame shows up in relationships, and what can help couples move from secrecy and defensiveness toward collaboration and trust.

Let’s get to talking.

SREELA:

Vivanna Hobby. It's so nice to meet you. Thank you so much for joining us today. It's so exciting. Uh, so jumping in and really kind of getting into some of the more nitty gritty of why we're here right. Is I wanna hear from you, Viviana, what was the money story that you learned as a child? So,

VIVIANA:

Um, I think it was very, at a very young age, I realized that we were low income. Mm-hmm . My family of five. We lived in Manhattan, but we lived in a very old rent controlled apartment. And I was embarrassed of where I lived. So, you know, we lived with mice, roaches, sometimes we wouldn't have hot water, sometimes we ha wouldn't have gas. And my parents were stressed very often about money. So I would overhear those conversations. And as the eldest daughter, that feeling sort of fell on me to resolve for them. Hmm. So, when I was in high school, I had to fill out the FAFSA by myself. I asked my dad for his tax returns, and that's when I realized that we were living below the poverty line. I guess I always knew, okay, we were low income, but I didn't realize to what extent.

SREELA:

Mm mm That must have been really hard.

VIVIANA:

Yes, it was. But it was normal to me because I, a lot of my family members were also low income and a lot of my friends were also sort of in the same situation. Mm-hmm .

SREELA:

So it was almost like you were living in two worlds, right? Yes. There was a normalization of this is how we all live. But then at the same time, it sounds like when certain, uh, I guess points of life presented themselves or even maybe living in Manhattan of all places, which it sounds like it created almost a contradiction or confusion of sorts. Yes.

VIVIANA:

I felt very confused when I would go to school and a lot of my classmates would be talking about their vacations to Disney or to Europe. And my family and I, we didn't do any of that stuff. We didn't even go to museums or zoos or anything like that. We, we would go to the park for fun. It was really hard. I would say going to those schools and being surrounded by kids that were middle class or even upper middle class and not being able to relate to their experiences, we often felt like I almost didn't belong.

“I would say going to those schools and being surrounded by kids that were middle class or even upper middle class and not being able to relate to their experiences, we often felt like I almost didn't belong.”

SREELA:

It was almost like you felt isolated in your experience growing up around all of that.

VIVIANA:

Yeah, definitely. And it wasn't until college that I felt that other people had similar experiences to me growing up and carrying that responsibility of the eldest daughter that I did. Both Javi and I went to a public school. So we went to a CUNY college in New York, and it is one of the most affordable options out there. A lot of the students commute, so they live at home. And that was the only school that I was able to get full financial aid from. Mm-hmm . So ultimately I ended up going there and I'm very glad I did. 'cause I got to meet a lot of people that made me feel less isolated.

SREELA:

Yeah. You know, when you think back of specific memories of what you would say to your parents when you were growing up, um, when it came to your money ambitions, are there any specific memories that come to mind for you?

VIVIANA:

Yeah, I would always tell my mom and my dad, whenever they were stressed about money, basically, I would tell them, don't worry. Like when I'm older, I'm going to buy us all a home. I'm going to pay for everything. I'm going to, you know, be able to buy everything that we need and give you guys everything that you deserve.

The financial secret that lasted two years

SREELA:

You know, that shows an incredible depth of feeling, but also just a maturity, you know? So, because not a lot of people would feel that way or think that way. Um, so I'm gonna pivot for a second and ask you Javi, um, you know, when you're hearing Viviana talk about that, you know, and I'm, I know as a partner it can't be easy to hear that. What parts of it feel foreign for you and what are some of the parts that you can relate to?

XAVI:

We've spoken about this, uh, a lot of times, and every single time it still like, brings up a lot of emotions. Like just hearing that almost made me tear up here. Um, I don't necessarily say it can resonate or know how Viv grew up, but I a hundred percent understand, uh, a hundred percent compassionate, uh, no judgment. Uh, whenever she tells me something, and I know I didn't grow up that way, I'm just a listener. Uh, I'm, I can't judge her. Uh, I think that played a big role into her wanting to open it up to me at the very beginning. I know she was very shy and it took a lot for her to tell me how she grew up. And I think it caught her by her surprise, how I didn't judge her. I'm like, Hey, I understand, but not really. And I'm here for you.

SREELA:

I love how you just put that. I understand, but not really, but I'm here for you. Like, knowing that I don't have to have lived what you've gone through for me to understand and have space for you and accept you as you are.

XAVI:

A hundred percent. It's like why I love Viv so much is her heart, like mm-hmm. I can't even imagine being such a young child and telling your parents that those things, like mm-hmm. I never did that. Like, I didn't have to do that.

VIVIANA:

And do you remember in the beginning of our relationship when I was embarrassed to introduce you to my family?

XAVI:

Yeah, I do remember it was, it took a couple months. I think at first you kind of gave me a, a pretty bad excuse as to why you don't want me to meet your parents, but I don't really remember the real reason.

VIVIANA:

It was because I had met his family first and I had gone to your family's apartment and I saw they lived in a really clean, organized, nice two bedroom apartment Yeah. In, in Queens. And I was embarrassed that my family lived in public housing in, especially as a child, I was always kind of embarrassed to have people over or date or just tell people that I was low income because I didn't, I guess I didn't wanna reveal that side of me. And so when he confronted me about it and was like, when am I gonna meet your parents? I, I, I maybe made up an excuse, I don't remember. But it, the real reason was because I didn't want to be judged for my upbringing and my background. I remember. Mm.

SREELA:

I think that that you, the word that comes to mind for me as I'm hearing is like, there's a shame there. Mm-hmm. You didn't, you, you felt the way you were already feeling and you felt that others were gonna look at you with that same lens.

VIVIANA:

Yeah.

SREELA:

Yeah. Um, you know, there was that piece of getting to know each other and then you became a couple and you have been a couple, you know, what was it like, you know, to have those first few tough conversations about money as a couple? Like, what was that like?

VIVIANA:

When we started dating, we were in college and we were both working at the same place. And I was on work study, so work study is given to you based on your financial need. And so, because I got full financial aid, I was eligible. And then we started dating and I saw one time I, I saw that he opened his banking app and I saw that he had, I don't even remember, like maybe 10 or $15,000 saved in his banking account, in his savings account. He was saving up for college because his parents actually asked him to pay for his own education. Yeah.

XAVI:

I mean, we went 50/50.

VIVIANA:

Right. So I remember seeing that number and thinking to myself, wow, this guy is so rich. Like he has so much money. , I am at a negative right now. You know, I'm helping my parents out financially and I don't even have enough for myself. So it was a secret for a really long time. I would say when we first started dating, you know, we would go out and we would go, we would do 50 50 or like sometimes he would pay, sometimes I would pay, we'd buy each other gifts, we'd go to weekend trips. And I never told him that I was struggling financially. Mm-hmm. And it wasn't until maybe two years in a year, two years in where I, yeah. Told him, Hey, I really need to talk to you about something. I'm super embarrassed about it, but I just wanna be open and honest with you. And I am in a lot of credit card debt and I'm also, you know, struggling to keep my head above water. Water because my parents need my support and I also have student loans and I also have lot of credit card debt. And my siblings, they're applying to college and need my help too. So that conversation really started everything else. Yeah.

“I am in a lot of credit card debt and I'm also, you know, struggling to keep my head above water.”

XAVI:

Especially after two years after knowing how many trips we've done together, how many vacations we've gotten together, how many times we've gotten out, different activities that we've done. And for her to tell me that was, I don't know, it made me like really sad. Well, and proud at the same time. 'cause she, she was, I, I wouldn't have been able to do what she did. Uh, being under so much stress knowing I have so people to take care of. I'm in credit card debt, but with my boyfriend, I wanted to do something fun. Um, I don't know how she did that, which is why I, when we had that conversation, it was a tough conversation for her to, to have. But for me it was a tough conversation in a different way of having to listened to that. And instead of being, I guess being there for her a little bit more, those two years financially, it was like, oh wow, I could have done something more to bring down the stress levels in her. Mm-hmm.

SREELA:

So there was like an acknowledgement, but then also a little bit of guilt sprinkled in there of like, oh gosh, if only I'd known. Right. Like, I would've done more. Um, you know, and you know, I think that that's a really incredible story to share because to take two years to finally allow that, if you will, like that secret out. Right. And there must have been a relief with that too. I can imagine. Like, oh, I don't have to carry this anymore kind of a feeling.

VIVIANA:

A hundred percent. A hundred percent. I remember some points in our relationship, I sometimes wouldn't be able to pay for food or go home or pay for the subway. And I was just so embarrassed and also like, so stressed and I hated that. I couldn't tell him, felt like I was keeping something really, really important from him. Mm-hmm . And so that day I just told him everything and I was really scared. I thought he was going to break up with me or judge me and he didn't. Yeah. And he actually was very, very supportive and was like, let's make a plan. Let me take care of things moving forward whenever we go out, we're not going to do 50 50 anymore. Focus on paying off your debt. He even said, let me help you pay off your debt. And I told him no, because this is something that I wanna do on my own. And he respected that. Mm-hmm. And was just trying to help me in other ways. Mm-hmm

From “I’ve got this” to “we can figure this out together”

XAVI:

Yeah. I think, uh, when that, when we first had that conversation, my thinking was like, what could I have done different or acted different to help her open up a lot earlier? Like, was it me that was kind of made her feel like, hey, like if I tell him this, he's gonna react a certain way. So like, could I have been opening up mor to you or done things differently for you to open up Viviana?

VIVIANA:

Why did it take two years, do you think? I think it was a mix of me wanting to do everything on my own and trying to dig myself out of this hole on my own without asking for any help. Mm-hmm . As the eldest daughter. As for as a first gen, I was so used to being this hyper independent person mm-hmm . It was embarrassing to ask for help. Mm-hmm . Because it would just make me feel like I failed. And so I didn't realize how bad it was until I discovered the world of personal finance. And I started educating myself on credit card debt and interest rates and how it really is a cycle. Mm-hmm . And you can get trapped in that cycle. And building wealth, I think is not something that's taught in schools or especially not taught in low income homes because mm-hmm . There's just a lack of education and knowledge.

VIVIANA:

And so when I discovered that world, I was like, okay, I need to reach out to the people that are in my life that love me and tell them that I'm about to go on this journey and that I want to break the cycle and start building wealth for myself and for them. And everybody was super supportive. I think that talking to him about it, he was extremely supportive. I remember we started even changing our lifestyle. We started doing things that were more budget friendly. Mm-hmm . When I would go over to my parents' house, I would pay for food and he would offer to split that cost with me or sometimes even Yeah. Pay for it. Mm-hmm. And so I really appreciated that.

XAVI:

Yeah. I think once we both were out of college, uh, or at least, 'cause I graduated a year earlier and I started off as a teacher. I started to make a lot more money than as a college student. I think that's when I was like, all right, like, let me help out more now that I can. Mm-hmm

SREELA:

You wanted to be her partner

XAVI:

From the very beginning. Yes.

SREELA:

Yeah. I can hear that for sure. It's incredible. Um, sounds like things shifted and rapidly in a good way. How do money conversations sound now?

XAVI:

You want talking about money? It's just a normal thing for us now. Mm-hmm. There's no shame, there's no anger in it. It's never you against me, me against you. It's always like, Hey, how can we figure this out together?

VIVIANA:

Yeah. I was gonna say, we are in a very privileged place now, so it definitely looks so different to when we first started dating and we've worked really hard to get to where we are. We've helped our families out too. And I think that the conversations are really easy to have because of the position that we're in. I think that if we were still struggling financially, they would be way harder. But now we are way more stable. We are actively investing for retirement. We have been able to make some really privileged choices because of the fact that we started having those conversations really, really early on. Mm-hmm. And worked hard to set ourselves up for where we are now.

SREELA:

I love how you described all of that and, and, and the thing that resonated with me is like, Viviana, you had to break the dam. It's like, once the dam broke though, it's like everything just flowed. Not to say it was easy, but more of like, we have to have these talks and let's have those talks because that made life so much easier. It sounds like you both can breathe knowing you have each other's backs. You have this open communication and you're on the same page.

VIVIANA:

Yeah. I think the last difficult conversation that we had was me quitting my job

SREELA:

Mm.

VIVIANA:

Fully deciding to rely on him financially. Something that I said that I would never, ever do in my life. And here we are. And prior to that, we, I also asked him if he would be comfortable signing a prenup, and we did. And so we've had really hard conversations. Yeah.

SREELA:

Very much so. You know, something like a prenup is, is like a buzzword, right? It, it can set people off like boom, you know? Uh, how did you guys handle that?

XAVI:

Well, the, her wanting to quit her, her corporate job, uh, I've actually been, I asking her slash telling her to quit already for the past year and a half. Wow. Uh, for a while. So it's been me, I've been like, Hey, like, pursue your dream. I've kind of been all for it a hundred percent of the time. Mm-hmm . And then the prenup conversation, she actually brought it up to me mm-hmm . And I didn't really know what a prenup was. I never looked one up, never really thought about getting one, but she was really focused in on getting one.

VIVIANA:

We're super organized with our finances, so we have our budget and we decide how we're gonna spend our money together that month. And we also track our net worth. So before we got married, you know, we realized like he has a lot more money than I do because of one, he got a head start with his finances because early on in his career, he was able to invest a lot more than I was. There was also another part of his wealth that I wanted him to protect his wealth. So, you know, we came to an agreement and we decided that everything that we've sort of built independently before the marriage will be ours. Like, that's separated, but everything that we build together in the marriage is ours. And I would rather us decide those terms together and be on the same page about it than have the government decide what happens with our wealth that we worked so hard to build if something does happen in the future. Mm-hmm . But yeah, I think that it's been so long since we've had really tough conversations like that where we're disagreeing and really fighting about money.

XAVI:

Yeah. I think we, we've been together almost 10 years. I know you a lot better. So I think how, how we approach the conversation definitely helps on how the conversation unfolds.

SREELA:

And, and Javi, when you, when initially when you had these more difficult conversations, let's say the first couple of years, well, really after the second year right? With the, when the, it was really to the meat and potatoes of the, of the, of the money. Um, initially, how did you feel having those conversations?

XAVI:

Yeah. From the, the very beginning I was already very much in love with Viv. Uh, I was very, very connected to Viv, so I kind of knew like, Hey, this is my partner and like no matter what the situation is, like I'm gonna be by her side. So the way I saw it was why am I gonna react negatively right now to make the situation worse? I was like, let me just be a listener and if I need to follow up or speak to you a little bit more about it, I at least took a second to kind of gather all, all my thoughts.

SREELA:

Mm mm I hear like a protective of kind of like, I wanna protect her and I wanna protect us. Because I think a lot of times there's this idea of, well, that's my partner, but there, you know, or, um, I'm in love with this person, but is it really a unit? Sure, a

VIVIANA:

Hundred percent. Yeah. Yeah. And for the longest time it felt like I was the one who didn't wanna be Yeah. The unit. Mm. He was always from the beginning saying how he could help more. And I was always the one saying no. Yeah. Because growing up my mom fully relied on my dad. Mm. And I never wanted that for myself.

SREELA:

Mm-hmm.

VIVIANA:

I saw how much power I love my dad, but I saw how much power he had by controlling the money in the home, and I wanted everything opposite of that. And so I think that I was a little bit afraid of letting him in fully into my financial world. Yeah. 'cause of that reason. And when I realized that he is very respectful of my independence and wants to see me succeed, and even saying yes to the prenup just shows me that, you know, growing up in and seeing how my parents kind of manage money, like that isn't going to happen with us because we've set such a different foundation.

SREELA:

Yeah, definitely hearing that, and I think it's great that you acknowledge and realize I know where it's coming from for me, because I can imagine at one point you didn't like any of that stuff, or you had a really hard time accepting all of it or any of it, and yet here you are now,

VIVIANA:

I, we talk about it all the time. How amazing it feels to be able to finally let myself feel like I can actually depend on somebody and not be the one that everybody else depends on.

SREELA:

Yeah. When you think about money now, are there still any triggers or moments where you go, Ooh, like you still have that kind of like icky discomfort come up for you?

VIVIANA:

We were having this conversation the other day, maybe yesterday, about me getting my nails done because we are doing something called a no buy year. Mm-hmm . This year. And we set some rules for ourselves. And so we're not really allowed to spend on any wants. And to me, getting my nails done is a want and Javi thinks it's self-care because he knows that getting my beauty stuff done makes me feel good and makes me feel just more confident in myself. And he was encouraging me to go and get my nails done. He was just challenging me and making me feel more comfortable with giving myself those little luxuries. Mm-hmm . And I definitely still struggle with you do accepting,

SREELA:

I think I, I don't think that that's an unusual experience to have when self-care at Someti at one time in your life was a luxury as far as how to be able to look at those difficulties maybe we faced as children with low income and the struggles to build wealth, you know? What would be your pearls of wisdom that you would be able to share?

XAVI:

I think for someone, I guess in my situation, right, like Viv telling me how she grew up, I would say like, be patient and be understanding they might be a specific reason with certain things because of how they grew up. And maybe when they want to open up to you, they will and you'll be able to understand. But patience is definitely required.

VIVIANA:

Me, specifically the emotional side to overcoming money, trauma and also breaking cycles,

VIVIANA:

It is a very difficult thing to be able to change the way that you view money. You could be in a completely different place as an adult than you were as a child mm-hmm . And still think the way that you thought about money as a child. And I think that's okay. And like Javi said, be patient with yourself because overcoming those emotions and kind of shifting your mindset from scarcity to abundance is really, really hard. I'm still struggling with that and gone through therapy. I've been very open about it with Javi, with my friends on social media mm-hmm . And yeah. Just accepting that it, it is a process and it's gonna take gears maybe to heal and to feel differently towards money.

“You could be in a completely different place as an adult than you were as a child and still think the way that you thought about money as a child.”

SREELA:

Mm-hmm . Yeah. A hundred percent. It's a process. You said it, you know, it's definitely a process. You know, Viviana, if there's one thing, if one thing that you maybe have not already shared with Javi about what it was like for you, a child, you know, what would that be?

VIVIANA:

Hmm. I, I mean there's, there's so much that we could, we could go on and on about, but you know, I think that I think about young me a lot. Mm. I feel really bad for her. Mm. Because in a way it felt like she had nobody mm-hmm. To guide her or to comfort her and all of the financial and emotional and even other type of stress that my parents were going through and my family was going through fell on young me. Mm-hmm. 

And I think that that is part of the reason why I grew up and became maybe cynical and just pessimistic with the world and the way that, the way that these cycles sort of trap us and overcoming them is not easy, especially when you are the first one in your family to do so.

So yeah. You know, just being kind and compassionate and patient with, with me I think is really needed because it is something that I revisit often and thinking about the future and expanding family and I don't want, I think my worst nightmare is like having a child and having them feel the way that I did.

VIVIANA:

Yeah. We often talk about adopting because there's so many kids out there that I imagine are going through similar things that I went through as a child, and I, knowing how that feels like, I just wish that there was less of that in the world. Javi,

SREELA:

How do you feel hearing Viviana share that

XAVI:

One? I love you. Uh, two, uh, the little girl thing, I, she's, I, I don't know if you've ever really expressed that to me or it's been a while. Um, I do notice that when we do even like the smallest of things, like, and we went on a trip and she, we took a picture with Santa Claus together, so like getting, checking something off that you maybe wanted to do when you were younger and I'm a little kid inside, so , I'm all about the adventures in doing. Love it. fun things.

SREELA:

Yeah. I love it. Yeah. Healing that past little girl or, and, and continuing to be the little boy right. That's still in there, you know, and honoring him and then also helping to heal that little girl that's still in there wanting those moments that feel so out of reach, but being able to have them in the now, um, when you can. Um, and I think that's really beautiful and again, I think it really speaks to like the beautiful partnership and, you know, love that the two of you have for each other. For sure. Thank you.

What financial stress can do to the nervous system

SREELA

My conversation with Viviana and Xavi left me thinking about the complex, uncomfortable feelings that many of us have when it comes to money. It can be hard to talk about. But as Viviana told us, hiding your financial struggles from loved ones is a heavy burden to bear.

Leaning on a partner is not always intuitive, especially when you’re used to being the one that other people rely on. Even breaking the barrier of that first conversation can be nerve-racking.

But for Xavi and Viviana, open, ongoing communication has made all the difference. They’ve been able to reframe their thinking from “I’ve got this” to “We’ve got this.” Of course, building this type of trust doesn’t happen automatically, but therapy is a great tool to do this. Whether it’s helping people work through these tough conversations together, or figure out how to bring it up to their partner on their own.

Now, to help me unpack my conversation with Viviana and Xavi – and for more tips on how to approach sensitive money discussions, I sat down with Sarah Close. Sarah is a licensed therapist with BetterHelp. We delved into what’s happening psychologically in moments when money activates painful fears or memories.

We also answered a couple listener questions on this topic. If you want to write in to our show, check out BetterHelp’s Instagram stories for the latest prompt! You may hear your question in a future episode.

Let’s dive in.

SREELA:

Sarah, I wanted to say thank you for joining me today. It's great to have you here for mind if we talk.

SARAH CLOSE:

Yeah. Thank you. I'm really, really looking forward to being here. Um, it feels like a really important topic. All of these topics are super important, but yes, this one definitely can hit home for a lot of folks. So excited to dive in.

SREELA:

Absolutely. You know, I, I will say as I was doing this specific episode, it definitely struck chords for me around so many different things.

It, there's like such a stigma when it comes to talking about money and income and what it means to struggle with that aspect of life because we're, you know, constantly expected to, like, you have to look like you hold it together, and you're not supposed to admit if you're struggling or the impact that that has on you.

So, kind of diving in here, you know, what do you think happens to a child, uh, you know, on a psychological level when financial stress is a constant in the home?

SARAH CLOSE:

When we're talking about financial trauma, when we're talk, talking about financial stress, the children are picking up on all of those cues, all of that information, the things that are not spoken out loud are often felt. Um, so that sense of stress can really impact a developing nervous system. And young kids can start to put the world into two categories of safe or unsafe, and they can really start to live in a kind of hypervigilant state. It definitely can start to cause a lot of sense of, am I safe in this world? Am I enough? I know it can definitely cause some, um, what we call parentification, where a young kid is going to try to do their best to make everything feel better in the family system or not cause any extra stress for their parents, which is actually them stepping up into a parent role when they're still supposed to be a kid.

SREELA:

I think you touched on all the main pieces for sure. You know, it made me think of, you know, Maslow's hierarchy of needs. We wanna feel safe as children. That's a, a base aspect of that pyramid, right? Uh, where it's like, if I don't feel safe, then all the other steps up to me being able to self-actualize and figure out who I am in the larger world is impacted. Because that one basic step that we need as a foundation is missing.

SREELA:

[...], so taking that to the next level, you know, how do we begin separating our present reality from that emotional imprint of scarcity at a young age? Like how do we separate those two? Or can we, the

SARAH CLOSE:

Answer's absolutely yes, we can do this work. It can be work, right? It's not going to be a simple fix. Um, it will continue to come up. The nature of a trigger is that we can't, we can't eliminate all triggers in the world, especially when we're talking about something as pervasive as money. We can't, we can't go out in the world at all these days without spending money, without seeing money, without seeing the status associated with money. And so if you're finding it difficult because these continue to come up, totally hear you mm-hmm . Um, it's a reality that we're all dealing with. Um, but absolutely anytime that it comes up, we are able to ask ourselves, does this feel, does this feeling or experience feel younger than I am? Um, and starting with that invitation to explore from a place that, like I said, of curiosity as opposed to some of the judgments that can come in, you can really start to just experience the empowerment that comes from just that very simple task of noticing that this is actually a young, young part of me that's been triggered or activated and I'm running a script that I didn't choose for myself.

Turning money fights into “us versus the problem”

SREELA:

Right. Right. Understanding, like it was something you had to do for survival. You did the best you could with what you had in front of you. And there's almost a layer of self-forgiveness that accompanies that a little bit. Oh, totally. You know, almost reparenting that inner child to be able to accept that child like you were a kid, you did the best you could. You couldn't have done more. You couldn't have been more. It's, it's a really powerful thing to be able to get to that place.

SARAH CLOSE:

You took it to that next level of, you know, I like to start with the, you just identify it and then there you try to observe that and acknowledge it without judgment, but then to take it to that level of actually tapping into some compassion and seeing ourselves as this, you know, young person who didn't have a choice in the matter, and they get now we get to kind of take them in under our wing and see them in love or see ourselves in that sense of love.

SREELA:

Yeah.

SARAH CLOSE:

That's where real healing can happen

SREELA:

A hundred percent. Like you've got got shadow work, which you me mentioned, you know, healing that inner child and being able to do it, coming at it from a trauma informed lens as well. You mentioned how it can be a trauma. Um, you know, do you have any other ideas or thoughts on what it would look like to do this work with a therapist? Because I can, I can imagine that somebody might say, well, that's not something to go to therapy about, but could it be? and what would that look like?

SARAH CLOSE:

Yes. I, I absolutely feel like this work is possible and important to do. Um, I think we've talked a little bit already about kind of doing some of that slowing down process. We're really trying to get out of the, um, fight, flight, freeze fawn trauma response, um, in our brain and try to move more into the parasympathetic relaxed, um, part of our nervous system, which will allow us to feel safe. And in that mode we can do a lot more, a lot more healing. But it's really about kind of opening up the conversation to see what are the stories that we're holding about money, about status, about our sense of worth. Because it's never about the money, it's never about the actual number in the bank account. It's always about our sense of belonging in the world, our sense of connection to our ourself and to others, our sense of safety, trying to kind of unpack the layers that are behind those stories, those really deep core wounds that we can be carrying.

SREELA:

Yeah. It's not easy to change that narrative because we have become so eng it's become part of us and we become a part of it because our narrative tends to support those beliefs that started for us at such a young age. And I think that's the piece is that learning to change that narrative, understanding where it started, where it's coming from, unpacking that slowly but surely, and being able to then challenge those, those core beliefs that may not still hold value or truth and are not serving us today. Um, and I think that's the piece, right? Is like, does this still serve me and is it helping me or hurting me? I oftentimes in my sessions, I'll say something like, how is that helping you? Now if you were to go back and look at that, does that still resonate as truth for you or has that truth changed?

SARAH CLOSE:

Yeah. Um, maybe the concise way I like to think about this is that you're not fighting about dollars. You're fighting about what the dollars mean. And so anytime you can remember that, like have that in your back pocket when you go toward having a financial conversation

“You're not fighting about dollars. You're fighting about what the dollars mean.”

SREELA:

Mm-hmm . Mm-hmm . You know, came to mind having, uh, key phrases to help ground us having, um, like almost like self affirmations, but like couple affirmations. Mm-hmm . Um, my favorite thing to say is, we got this. You know? And that really helped because you know, that it, there is a neuroplasticity piece to this too, is like we have to change the narrative and saying it out loud re reinforces it in our brain to be able to say, no, it's us. Mm-hmm . And I think when once we shift that thinking and remind each other, I think that's when we see that success. Thanks so much for joining me today, Sarah. This was an incredible, incredible conversation. So I wanna thank you so much for, uh, being here today and joining us.

SARAH CLOSE:

Thank you so much. Yeah. It was, uh, delightful to spend the time with you talking about this topic that I think we could probably spend all day on and, uh, never get to the bottom of it. So Right . Yeah. Appreciate it. I'm gonna go maybe take some deep breaths 'cause I feel activated after talking about money. ,

SREELA:

You know what? I think I'm gonna do the same.

CREDITS:

SREELA

I want to give a big thank you to Betterhelp for their passion for this project, and for giving us a platform to champion the well-being in all of us. Mind If We Talk is produced by Acast Creative Studios in collaboration with BetterHelp, and hosted by me, Sreela Roy Greene. If you like what you just heard, drop us a review in Spotify or Apple Podcasts, and share the episode with your friends! Maybe one of our topics will help someone in your life. And remember, your happiness matters.

Mind If We Talk is intended for entertainment and education, not for mental health diagnosis or medical advice.