Sexual Orientation & Mental Health: What To Do If You Are Questioning Your Sexuality
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As the LGBTQ+ community—and acceptance of queer identities—grows, many people are exploring their sexuality, gender identity, gender expression, and other facets of their identity. Questioning one’s sexuality is normal, and it can be a way of gleaning helpful insights and developing a fuller understanding of oneself. The process isn’t always easy, though, and it can sometimes lead to mental health concerns. Below, we’re providing a brief overview of the concepts of sexuality and gender identity, discussing what it means to question these aspects of yourself, and outlining steps you can take to explore these topics in your own life.
An overview of sexuality and gender identity
Sexuality and gender identity have become widely discussed in recent years, as an increasingly large portion of the population now identify as queer. LGBTQ+ individuals are now estimated to make up 7.6% of the overall adult population in the US, a significant increase from the 2012 number of 3.5%. This percentage is even greater in younger generations, with some sources indicating that as many as 30% of Gen Z adults now identify as LGBTQ+.
While sexuality and gender frequently interact, they are distinct concepts that manifest in unique ways. Below are brief overviews of sexual orientation and gender identity.
Sexual orientation
Sexual orientation refers to the patterns of emotional, romantic, and/or sexual attraction to a particular gender or genders. While a range of distinct sexual orientations exist—such as heterosexual, gay, lesbian, and bisexual—sexuality can also be thought of as a spectrum. This model can be helpful for people who do not feel that they fit neatly into one specific sexual orientation.
For many people, sexuality is not only a way of expressing attraction, but also a way of identifying with other people. Particularly for individuals whose sexual orientation is less represented in society today, identifying with a certain subset of the LGBTQ+ community can help them feel seen and understood. Research suggests that a sense of belonging may enhance social engagement, boost self-esteem, and lead to healthy habits.
Gender identity
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), gender identity refers to “a person’s psychological sense of self in relation to their gender.” Gender is a complex concept that is thought to be influenced by societal norms, expectations, genetics, life experiences, and other factors.
The sex or gender a person was assigned at birth and their internal understanding of their own gender do not always align. Those whose gender identity differs from what they were assigned at birth may identify as transgender, while individuals whose gender identity aligns with what they were assigned are typically referred to as cisgender.
Like sexuality, gender is often perceived as a spectrum, with many people holding an identity that is outside of the gender binary. As with sexuality, there are also numerous terms that can be utilized to describe one’s gender identity, which we’ll discuss more below.
About the LGBTQ+ community
The lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, or questioning (LGBTQ+) community comprises a broad array of individuals who are considered sexual or gender minorities by society. (The “+” denotes a range of additional identities not included in the basic LGBTQ acronym, such as intersex, asexual, aromantic, Two Spirit, and many others).
Often, members of the LGBTQ+ community face challenges that people who identify as cisgender and heterosexual do not experience. For example, LGBTQ+ individuals may be subjected to discrimination, abuse, bullying, stigma, rejection, and ostracization based on their identity. In fact, it is often the fear of experiencing such challenges that causes people to avoid questioning their sexuality or gender identity.
Again, the term “LGBTQ+” can encompass a range of different identities. When it comes to sexuality, it may include people who are homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, or another orientation. As it pertains to gender identity, LGBTQ+ can apply to people who are transgender, genderqueer, non-binary, genderfluid, agender, or another identity.
What it means to explore sexual orientation or gender identity
An exploration of your sexual orientation or gender can involve rethinking who you’re attracted to, how you feel about your gender, or the ways in which you express yourself. Questioning your sexuality or gender identity is completely normal, and there are numerous potential reasons for such a practice. Questioning could arise out of feelings that your true gender may not align with the sex or gender you were assigned at birth or out of feelings of attraction to potential partners you previously had not been attracted to or realized any attraction to.
Exploring sexual attraction can involve introspection, conversations with others, learning about sexuality, or more direct actions, such as dating or adjusting your gender expression. For example, someone who believes that they may be attracted to people of both their same gender and another gender might research same-sex attraction, talk to pansexual or bisexual people, and/or go on dates with individuals of different genders.
Sexuality and gender are unique concepts that intersect to help form primary aspects of a person’s self-identity. An individual may explore their gender without exploring their sexuality, or vice versa. For example, a person who was assigned male at birth and is sexually attracted to women could begin questioning their gender identity but not their sexual orientation. If they were to eventually transition, they may think about and express their gender differently—potentially identifying as a trans lesbian woman—without changing anything about their sexuality.
Exploring your sexual or gender identity can be a healthy journey of self-discovery. When people are able to express their sexuality and gender in the way they feel most comfortable, they may be better able to live an authentic life in which they fully embrace every aspect of themselves. This can be challenging at times in today’s world, though, as many people feel pressured to adhere to certain gender or sexual norms. Additionally, fear of potential discrimination, hostility, alienation, or other negative responses can cause some people to avoid questioning these parts of themselves.
What to do when you’re questioning your sexuality or gender identity
There are several steps you can take if you’re interested in exploring your gender or sexual identity. The following are tips for navigating this path of self-discovery in a healthy way.
Learn more about sexual orientation and gender identity
Reviewing reputable research or inclusive online resources about sexuality and gender can help you get a better idea of how you might explore and express these facets of yourself. There are numerous organizations dedicated to LGBTQ+ rights that provide informational content about such topics. For example, the Human Rights Campaign has a wealth of resources on LGBTQ+-related subjects, and advocates for Trans Equality offers a guide for those who want to learn more about the transgender experience. Additionally, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) has a large list of resources that are sorted by category.
Explore your feelings about sexuality and gender
As you begin to learn more about these topics, it can help to ask yourself some questions. The following are some prompts to get you started:
- What values are most important to me?
- What role does gender play in my life?
- Are there parts of my sexuality I’d like to know more about?
- How am I most comfortable expressing myself?
- When do I feel I’m most authentically myself?
- Who am I romantically drawn to?
- Are there ways I could more fully express or identify with my gender?
- What would my ideal romantic relationship look like?
Talk to trusted, supportive friends and family
Trusted, queer-supportive loved ones may have unique perspectives on your identity that could provide insights into your sexuality or gender identity. Talking to a friend or family member can also help you receive emotional support, allowing you to express your feelings about the process of exploring these topics.
Reach out to a mental health professional
An LGBTQ-affirming therapist may help you feel more comfortable expressing yourself in ways that align with your values, desires, and beliefs. This type of professional can provide you with emotional support as you explore your sexual orientation and gender, and they can also help you address any mental health symptoms that may be associated with the questioning process.
The importance of affirming mental health care
The historical discrimination and marginalization of sexual and gender minorities has contributed to serious and persistent psychological challenges among the LGBTQ+ community. Research suggests that rates of mental health challenges are nearly twice as high in people who are queer or questioning than those who are not. As a result of lived experiences of discrimination, individuals in the LGBTQ+ community have an increased likelihood of experiencing depression, anxiety, psychological distress, and suicidal ideation.
These challenges highlight the need for care that affirms the full spectrum of sexual and gender identities. Inclusive professionals can help participants learn more about the various ways they might explore or express their gender or sexual orientation. Mental health providers can also outline potential options for gender-affirming care for people who are considering transitioning. LGBTQ+-affirming treatment can offer a safe, nonjudgmental space where individuals of all ages can feel free to explore themselves on a deeper level.
Exploring the option of online therapy
If you’re not yet comfortable discussing topics like your sexuality or gender identity with a therapist in person, you might consider utilizing an online therapy platform instead. This type of care is available to individuals of all identities, regardless of location.
The benefits of talking to an online therapist when questioning your sexuality
With online therapy through a service like BetterHelp, you can discuss your sexual or gender identity with a licensed therapist remotely, from the comfort of home, through video call, voice call, or in-app messaging. You can also message your therapist outside of sessions, which allows you to ask questions or clarify points made during therapy.
The efficacy of online therapy
Research suggests that online therapy can often help individuals alleviate mental health challenges related to their sexuality or gender identity. In a study examining the efficacy of an online therapy intervention for LGBTQ+ individuals, for example, participants reported “substantial improvement in self-acceptance and a considerable decrease in the avoidance of negative experiences” after receiving this treatment. The study also notes that self-acceptance can help reduce self-stigma, which may be a concern for individuals who are questioning their sexuality.
Takeaway
Is it normal to be confused about sexuality?
Yes; it's considered normal to be confused about your sexuality. For young people or those who live in anti-LGBTQ+ environments in particular, it can take time to discover and figure out what feels authentic to you.
Why is my sexuality so confusing?
A person's sexuality may seem confusing to them because it's not what they were taught they would feel growing up. Or, a person may experience sexual fluidity, which means that their desires and preferences in dating or sex may ebb and flow. This could make their sexuality seem confusing at first, since it may not fit more well-known labels.
What should I do if I'm questioning my sexuality?
If you're questioning your sexuality and attraction to the opposite sex or people of any other gender, it might help to talk to others who are having or have had similar experiences. You might speak with trusted friends about it, read books about exploring your sexuality, or find an online forum where other adolescents or other men, women, or people are exploring such topics.
Can anxiety make you question sexuality?
There is a type of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) that is specifically related to a fixation on sexual orientation, which can result in anxiety symptoms. That said, those who don't have OCD may still sometimes experience anxiety related to sexuality, particularly in a society that is often unaccepting of queer people or in spaces where people are pressured to identify with a particular label.
Can a straight person question their sexuality?
Yes. Anyone who identifies with any label or descriptive words may question their sexuality. Many queer people formerly identified as straight. However a person identifies, it can be healthy to explore one's sexuality and identity. Remember that there are no wrong answers in such a process.
Why am I having intrusive thoughts about my sexuality?
Having intrusive thoughts about behaviors related to homosexuality, heterosexuality, or some other facet of your sexuality could be due to a number of different causes. General anxiety, OCD, or fear of the response if you were to come out with a particular identity are some possible options. If you're struggling with these thoughts, it may help to engage with a queer-inclusive therapist. You can speak with them about this matter in a safe and welcoming environment, and they may be able to help you find freedom from this particular worry by using various coping mechanisms.
How do I know I'm straight?
In general, straight men are only attracted to women, and straight women are only attracted to men. If you feel like this description may not fit you, it's possible that you're not straight. Keep in mind that discovering your sexuality can take time, patience, and self-reflection.
Can I force myself to be straight?
A person's sexuality is a part of who they are and cannot be changed. Attempts to change a person's sexual orientation or gender identity could qualify as conversion “therapy,” which a wealth of research indicates can be deeply harmful and, according to one study, may amount to torture. If you're facing mental health or interpersonal challenges related to not being accepted for who you are, it may be worth connecting with a therapist for support.
What to say to someone who is questioning their sexuality?
If you know someone who is questioning their sexuality, it may be comforting for them to hear that you'll accept and love them no matter how they identify. Depending on your relationship with them, it could also be helpful to connect them with resources that can help them explore their identity.
What is the therapy for exploring sexuality?
Gender therapy is an approach to talk therapy that involves an affirming provider supporting a person as they explore their sexual orientation or gender identity. This type of provider is usually specifically trained in offering a welcoming and inclusive environment.
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