Striving For Real Intimacy In Your Relationships: A Guide
Cultivating real intimacy can be difficult, even if you love your partner deeply. Intimacy, which generally involves feeling close and deeply connected, might require a level of vulnerability that can feel nerve-racking. However, real intimacy is something many of us want in our relationships—leaving many wondering how to go about building it. Here, we'll explore what real intimacy is and offer a few tips for cultivating it in your relationship.
What is intimacy?
To understand intimacy, it can be important to note that intimacy and sex are not generally regarded to be the same thing. Many people might equate the term intimacy with sex, and some may use the phrase "being intimate" as a way to refer to having sex. However, intimacy can involve connecting emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically beyond acts in a sexual scope.
You can be intimate without having sex, and you can also have sexual intercourse without it being an intimate experience.
Many define real intimacy as a sense of closeness with someone else, whether it's your husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend. With authentic intimacy, you might both feel deeply connected to each other as your real, true selves.
When you have a real intimate relationship with another human being, for example, you might likely feel very comfortable around them—like you can trust them with anything and like they love you for who you are. Couples with very intimate relationships may feel comfortable being vulnerable around one another, revealing deep emotions or hidden aspects like struggles with porn or personal insecurities about their body.
Certain forms of intimacy may come easier than others for many. For instance, some individuals may feel more comfortable with physical intimacy than with emotional intimacy, as it may feel scary to open up to their partner about their true feelings. Online therapy can offer hope and be helpful in this context, especially for individuals grappling with issues like sex addiction or difficulties in expressing their true feelings.
Additionally, intimacy can look different from one couple to the next, depending on each person’s comfort level, preferences, love language, and more.
Ways to build intimacy with your partner(s)
Just as intimacy may look different from one couple to the next, the most effective ways to build intimacy with your partner may also vary from couple to couple. As you and your partner determine the best approach, you may consider some of the ideas below.
We do want to note that whatever approach you try, it can be important for you all to feel comfortable and safe.
Spend quality time together
One way to try to build intimacy is to intentionally carve out time for each other to strengthen your connection. This could mean choosing to go for a walk after work, eating dinner without phones or TV, or picking one night each week as "date night," for example.
During this time together, you and your partner can decide how you want to build intimacy—it could involve serious intellectual conversation and lots of cuddling while watching a movie, for example.
Experience new things together
Another way to build intimacy is to try experiencing new things together. This can give you both an opportunity to learn something new about each other and yourselves, step outside of your normal routines, and deepen your bond through a fun activity.
These new experiences can vary widely from one couple to the next. For couples who love adventurous activities, it could mean bungee jumping, skydiving, or rock climbing together. For couples who prefer a more relaxed time at home, it could mean trying a new recipe together, playing a new board game, or reading a new book to discuss together. For others, it might involve exploring spiritual connections, like attending a church retreat or meditation sessions together, where the presence of God can promote deeper bonds.
Communicate your desires
Communication can be a crucial tool for building all types of intimacy, including physical intimacy. For instance, if sex is a part of your relationship, being able to discuss with each other what you both like and don’t like can help you to build a more satisfying sex life that can help you feel more connected physically.
It may feel awkward at first, but you can try to speak with your partner about their desires and needs as well as your own, keeping an account of each other's preferences and comfort zones. This can empower you to work together to find ways to incorporate things you both want and are comfortable with.
Seek help through therapy
If you want additional support in building intimacy in your relationship, you can also consider seeking therapy. Finding time to meet with a therapist can be difficult for many couples, especially when experiencing conflicting schedules or commute times.
In these cases, online therapy options such as BetterHelp (or ReGain for couples) can offer the benefit of remote participation, wherever is most convenient for you and your partner.
Is online therapy effective?
Research suggests that online therapy can be effective for couples experiencing relationship concerns.
For instance, one study published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology examined the effectiveness of an online couples therapy program. It found information suggesting that couples who received the online program reported "significant improvements" in relationship satisfaction and confidence.
Couples also reported gains in areas of independent function and within their own experiences related to pre-existing mental health conditions—noting that symptoms of anxiety disorder and overwhelm had also lessened.
Takeaway
What is authentic intimacy?
For many people, authentic intimacy involves a deep, genuine connection between individuals that goes beyond surface-level interactions. It might encompass emotional, spiritual, and physical closeness, fostering a sense of trust, vulnerability, and mutual understanding. Juli Slattery, a clinical psychologist, emphasizes the importance of authentic intimacy and the role of emotional honesty and openness in relationships and marriage.
What is intimacy to a man?
Intimacy can vary from person to person and isn't likely to be the same for every man. A person's sexuality or identity may also lead to varying levels of attraction and different experiences of intimacy, and all are valid. Some men might associate intimacy with emotional closeness, shared vulnerability, and a connection with their partner. It can go beyond physical interactions and involves deeply understanding each other's needs, desires, and emotions.
What are acts of intimacy?
Acts of intimacy can encompass behaviors that strengthen emotional bonds and even passion between individuals. These might include deep conversations, shared experiences, acts of kindness, and physical affection. In the context of the Christian faith, these acts are often seen as expressions of love and connection, reflecting God's design for relationships.
What is physical intimacy in a relationship?
Physical intimacy often involves the expression of affection through touch, closeness, and sexual connection. However, physical intimacy does not always involve sexual acts, and many find beauty in focusing on non-sexual intimacy with their partners.
What are the 4 types of intimacy?
The four types of intimacy are often categorized as emotional, physical, intellectual, and spiritual. These dimensions can contribute to a deep and meaningful connection between individuals, fostering a holistic journey through intimacy with each other.
What does true intimacy feel like?
True intimacy might be described as a profound connection where individuals can be authentic without fear of judgment. It might involve a deep sense of trust and vulnerability and a shared journey toward truth and beauty, echoing the principles of community or faith.
What is the highest form of intimacy?
The "highest form" of intimacy will likely vary from person to person. It often involves a deep connection with a partner. This might be expressed through all four types of intimacy or just a few. For example, some partners might express intimacy through words, truth, and navigating the world together.
What kind of intimacy do most people want?
Most people often desire multi-dimensional intimacy, including emotional connection, shared experiences, intellectual engagement, and physical closeness. Understanding and meeting these various needs contributes to a fulfilling and meaningful relationship.
Do men crave intimacy?
Yes, like most people, men often crave intimacy. This craving might extend beyond physical desires and includes a yearning for emotional connection, understanding, and belonging. Recognizing and addressing these needs is often beneficial for healthy relationships.
What is the intimacy cycle when falling in love?
The intimacy cycle when falling in love might involve stages of attraction, emotional connection, deepening commitment, and developing a strong bond.
Individual experiences, faith, and cultural context might influence this cycle. For example, an individual could be impacted by things like purity culture, experiences in church, exposure to people who seem to "hate sex," personal use of pornography, and other formative experiences.
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