Love Is A Choice: Maintaining Feelings Of Love Over Time
You may have heard of a couple splitting up because they claim that the spark is already gone. They may say something like, "We love each other, but we aren't in love with each other."
Often, at the beginning of a relationship, people may find it easy to identify and express their feelings as love. However, as time passes and they settle into a more comfortable relationship with each other, their love may feel less exciting. While not every relationship may be meant to last a lifetime, it may not be uncommon for the dynamics to change over time. As the excitement begins to fade, changes in brain chemicals can create feelings of closeness and safety. Choosing to adapt to these changes and focus on sustaining the relationship can be a choice partners must make as the relationship evolves.
What does it mean to say love is a choice?
Love as feelings vs love as action
Love is typically thought of as a feeling, but feelings change over time. Stress, conflict, and life transitions can all impact how your own emotions toward your partner, but that doesn’t mean you no longer love them. What can keep relationships lasting for years is the actions of love: choosing to care for, respect, and support that person every day. Some examples of these actions might be:
- Following through on even small commitments, like taking out the garbage or loading the dishwasher when you say you will
- Offering support without trying to fix anything or give advice
- Listening actively instead of checking out or changing the subject
These actions can foster a growing sense of safety in the relationship, allowing it to grow stronger over time.
The role of responsibility in love
Love can grow as partners take responsibility for how their choices affect the relationship. Facing the truth about how your patterns affect your partner and your relationship can help you make choices to sustain and grow the relationship.
For example, choosing to lean in and work through conflict with your partner may show that you are choosing to love rather than abandon the connection. While the intensity of your feelings toward your partner may change over time, you can still choose to love that person day after day. It may help to create a habit of gratitude or sharing how you feel with your partner.
Is love a feeling, a decision, or both?
Many individuals may associate love with the feeling of excitement or energy that may exist at the beginning of a relationship. They may describe the flutter in their stomach, the excitement when their heart skips a beat, and other common symptoms that tend to mark the experience of having a new love interest.
These sensations may occur because of a physical and chemical reaction in the brain when it is stimulated by a new relationship. Some individuals may refer to this as the “honeymoon phase” or “puppy love.” These more intense emotions often don’t last forever. If someone believes that these initial feelings are the only form of romantic love, they may become confused or upset when the feelings become less salient.
The biology of falling in love
The process of falling in love is partially driven by hormones and natural biological processes in the brain. Various hormones and chemicals are involved.
At the beginning of a relationship, these chemicals play very particular roles.
- Dopamine, which activates the reward cycle in the brain, reinforces the idea that love is a pleasurable experience
- Norepinephrine, which boosts energy and focus
- Cortisol, a stress hormone that prepares our bodies to cope with these new emotions
As the bonds deepen, the chemical messengers shift.
- Dopamine and norepinephrine levels fade.
- Oxytocin, a hormone that plays a significant role in mother-infant attachment, is also released during skin-to-skin contact and physical intimacy, making couples feel more bonded to one another over time.
- Vasopressin also increases. This chemical is linked to long-term bonding and attachment.
The choice to stay and invest
People may often believe they made a mistake when the initial feelings and symptoms associated with love disappear. Some people may be unsure what love feels like, and may believe they weren't in love after all.
However, this eventual shift in emotional intensity is often normal in romantic relationships. It happens because the brain can't consistently produce the same high levels of feel-good chemicals such as dopamine; instead, it adjusts over time.
It may be easy to confuse the comfort of a long-term relationship with falling out of love. However, the opposite could be true, and it can be important not to read too much into your shifting emotions. Choosing to stay and wait through these changes and other challenges can help carry the relationship forward and may positively impact long-term outcomes.
Why choosing love can be hard
Choosing love can be difficult because, in many cases, it may mean confronting discomfort rather than avoiding it. Sometimes, staying can feel like a harder option than leaving, but understanding why you might feel this way can help you figure out how to respond when choosing love feels hard.
Fear, doubt, and vulnerability
Sticking around when things get difficult can be challenging for various reasons. Some people may be afraid of getting hurt or find it difficult to apologize and admit they were wrong, even if they know that it was their fault. Any type of uncertainty can raise doubts about the entire relationship, not because the love isn’t there, but because being vulnerable can feel too risky.
Love is as hard work, not constant excitement
Long-term relationships may be more about hard work than ongoing passion. Every relationship has its ups and downs; some may even feel like an emotional rollercoaster. Understanding that these variations are normal can help couples stay engaged and focus on the effort and patience required to sustain the relationship.
Daily choices that help love last
Big moments can matter in relationships, but small, consistent, intentional actions can build lasting connections and close bonds.
Showing up consistently
Making daily choices to be present, supportive, and attentive can reinforce love and commitment. Things like following through on promises can help couples remain loyal and create a strong foundation of trust on which to build a long-term relationship.
Honest communication and boundaries
Healthy relationships may require communicating honestly, even when speaking the truth can be difficult. Being open and honest can support mutual respect and help build a solid foundation. This may include clearly communicating boundaries to ensure both partners get what they need from the relationship, helping partners stay connected and become even closer.
Love, friendship, and partnership
Relationships can thrive when love is grounded in more than just romance and attraction. While these things can be key parts of a long-term relationship, seeing your partner as a teammate and friend can help create stability and resilience.
Why does strong romantic love include friendship?
Friendship can be seen as the core of a lasting romantic relationship. When partners have shared values, mutual respect, and genuinely enjoy one another’s company, it can serve as a strong support on which to build a lasting connection.
Growing together, not apart
Life may bring many changes, and people in long-term relationships may weather many of those changes together. In strong relationships, partners may adapt and support one another through periods of personal growth. Encouraging your partner to become the best version of themselves can honor their individuality while also strengthening the relationship.
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Finding the right therapist isn’t just important – it’s everything.
Find your matchWhen choosing love means choosing yourself
While love is a choice, that doesn’t always mean that every relationship is worth choosing. Sometimes, the best choice for your safety and well-being can mean choosing yourself over your relationship.
Healthy, mutual love
Partners who prioritize love, respect, and happiness can lead to strong relationships. While choosing love and making sacrifices may be a part of every relationship, if your needs are being ignored, your boundaries are being violated, or you are experiencing any type of abuse, choosing yourself may be the healthiest way forward.
Love vs staying out of fear
Staying in a relationship because you are afraid of being alone or making a change can keep both you and your partner stuck in something that is not benefiting either of you. In some cases, taking a break or ending the relationship altogether can be the healthiest way forward.
How love as a choice supports mental health
Seeing love as a conscious choice rather than an emotional state can be beneficial for mental health, as making a commitment to the relationship can create stability. Knowing that you and your partner are working together to navigate stress and other challenges can help reduce uncertainty and provide a sense of stability.
Love, safety, and emotional well-being
When partners know they can depend on one another, it may create a sense of stability that can help both partners manage stress and emotions. Feeling connected to and supported by a partner can improve overall well-being and help cope with life’s challenges more effectively.
When therapy can help couples choose love intentionally
Many people may assume that therapy is only for couples who are facing major challenges, but therapy can be effective in helping couples navigate challenging times and offer hope for the future. But it can also strengthen the foundation of any relationship. With therapist support, couples can improve communication, manage conflict, and strengthen connections.
How therapy can help you navigate love as a choice
You may reach a point in your relationship when counseling could offer further insight. Many couples might find that couples counseling can be a tool to help strengthen their bond. You don’t necessarily need to have a mental health condition to try counseling, and couples counseling is available for people in any stage of a relationship, from casual dating to marriage.
Exploring patterns, expectations, and emotions
Each partner can bring their own behaviors and patterns to a relationship, things that were taught to them through their individual experiences and past relationships. In some cases, a therapist can help each partner explore their own emotions and reactions while helping them understand the importance of making healthier choices together.
Finding the right therapist isn’t just important – it’s everything.
Find your matchBuilding skills for lasting relationships
Learning effective communication, setting clear boundaries, navigating conflict, and taking responsibility for your actions can all strengthen a relationship and help each partner become the best version of themselves. Working with a therapist can help you and your partner learn essential skills to strengthen your bond and confront future challenges together.
There are several options for those seeking therapy. Online therapy may be a good option for couples, as sessions can be worked around their busy schedules. One study found that couples therapy delivered online was just as effective as traditional face-to-face therapy. In general, both partners responded well to teletherapy and found that their experience was similar to conventional therapy.
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Through platforms such as BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples, you may connect with a licensed therapist from the comfort of your own home. Online therapy can help you navigate your feelings in the relationship and allow you to focus on your well-being.
Takeaway
While the beginning of a relationship can be largely driven by excitement and attraction, as time goes on, the day-to-day choices couples make can determine whether the relationship will last. Working with a therapist can help you and your partner adjust to the changing dynamics of your relationship over time.
Is it true that love is a choice?
Researchers commonly conceptualize love as a complex biochemical process that involves physiological, psychological, and environmental factors. Many scientists agree that some factors involved in love are beyond a person’s direct control, but at least some elements of love can likely be influenced through conscious choice. A common example is seen in the proximity principle. The proximity principle is an evidence-based theory that suggests physical proximity is a strong promoter of a romantic relationship. In other words, the more time you spend in close proximity to another person, the more likely you are to fall in love.
Do you fall in love, or is it a choice?
Many experts believe that love has some elements within a person’s direct control and other elements that are automatic. Feelings of love and attraction are known to be complex neurochemical processes. Some of the changes in the brain that lead to love happen automatically, but it is likely possible for a person to consciously intervene in the process. For example, a person could choose to focus on aspects of a person that may make them poorly suited for a long-term relationship, or a person could distance themselves from a potential love interest to prevent feelings from developing further.
Is it possible to decide to love someone?
Making the decision to love someone may be possible in some circumstances, but it is likely that it is not possible in all cases. One example might be found in an arranged marriage, wherein spouses do not have a choice in who they marry. While some arranged marriages do report high levels of marital satisfaction, evidence suggests that a lack of control when selecting a spouse is a strong predictor of depression. This might be due to some of the uncontrollable factors that determine whether two people will fall in love. Evidence suggests that love is most likely to occur between people who share similar interests and are willing to engage in the equal give-and-take that is commonly cited as necessary for happy long-term relationships. If those elements are present, it may be possible to consciously choose to allow feelings of love to develop.
Is true love just a feeling?
Love is commonly considered one of the most complex feelings a human can experience. It is caused by the combined actions of several neurotransmitters and hormones, likely moving in stages from basic attraction to the consummated love that is often seen in partners who have been together for a long time. Love’s progression and complexity mean it can feel different over time, and some people may conceptualize love as many different feelings. The way someone describes love may also vary considerably from person to person.
Can love exist without choice?
Love can often begin with attraction or an indescribable feeling that comes on unexpectedly and may feel out of our control. Sustaining a relationship when these feelings subside, though, can depend on partners making choices every day to work at the relationship and learn how to navigate challenges together.
What does it mean to say love is a choice?
Saying that love is a choice can be an acknowledgement that long-term relationships take dedication and effort. Choosing to love someone in a long-term relationship may mean doing the work to ensure it lasts, which can be different from the initial feelings of excitement and attraction that often occur at the beginning of a relationship.
Can someone love you and still not choose you?
Yes, someone can love you and choose another path. Every relationship is different, and in some cases, outside circumstances may prevent people from being together. The timing might not be right, or one person may be afraid of making a commitment. Work or family circumstances may make them choose a different path, or you may deeply care about one another but be unable to make it work because of problems with compatibility.
Is choosing love the same as settling?
If the love is genuine, choosing love can be seen as the opposite of settling. Choosing love can be an active choice made from a genuine desire to commit, while settling can be done out of fear or convenience. Choosing love may be a conscious decision driven by genuine desire, while settling can be seen as a passive choice.
How do daily choices affect long-term relationships?
Daily choices can shape trust and connection more than grand gestures. Small repeated actions over time can demonstrate consistency. These moments may add up, which can build trust in a relationship. Daily choices can also work in the opposite way. When partners demonstrate defensiveness, dishonesty, or avoidance consistently, it can erode the relationship over time.
When is it okay to stop choosing a relationship?
When a relationship causes emotional or physical pain, if trust is irreparably broken, if your needs are unmet, or if you begin neglecting your own needs, it may mean that you should start choosing yourself over your relationship.
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