Love Is A Choice: Loving And Lasting Relationships
You may have heard of a couple splitting up because they claim that the spark is gone already. They may say something like, "We love each other, but we aren't in love with each other."
Often, at the beginning of a relationship, people may find it easy to identify and express their feelings as love. However, as time passes and they settle into a more comfortable relationship with each other, their love may feel less exciting.
Challenges in your relationship may also cause you to believe that you're no longer in love with your partner. You may question the relationship, including your feelings toward the person you thought you loved. What is the difference between being in love with someone vs. simply feeling love for them? What do these emotions mean?
Is love a choice or a feeling?
For example, choosing to lean in and work through conflict with your partner may show that you are choosing to love rather than abandon the connection. While the intensity of your feelings toward your partner may change over time, you can still choose to love that person day after day. It may help to create a habit of gratitude or sharing how you feel with your partner.
Potential misconceptions about love
Many individuals associate love with the feeling of excitement or energy that may exist at the beginning of a relationship. They may describe the flutter in their stomach, the excitement when their heart skips a beat, and other common symptoms that tend to mark the experience of having a new love interest.
These sensations may occur because of a physical and chemical reaction in the brain when it is stimulated by a new relationship. Some individuals may refer to this as the “honeymoon phase” or “puppy love.” These more intense emotions often don’t last forever. If someone believes that these initial feelings are the only form of romantic love, they may become confused or upset when the feelings become less salient.
So, what is love?
People often believe they made a mistake when the initial feelings and symptoms associated with love disappear. Some people are unsure what love feels like, and may believe they weren't in love after all.
However, this eventual shift in emotional intensity is often normal in romantic relationships. It happens because the brain can't keep consistently producing the same high levels of feel-good chemicals such as dopamine; instead, it adjusts over time.
It may be easy to confuse the comfort of a long-term relationship with falling out of love. However, the opposite could be true, and it’s important to not read too much into your shifting emotions.
How to make love last
Couples in love often want to ensure their love stands the test of time. All relationships can encounter hurdles and require periods of extra effort. Here are some ways you can help your love life thrive even as time passes.
- Take care of yourself
- Learn your partner's love language
- Focus on the positive
- Spend time together
Take care of yourself
You may have heard the expression, “you can’t pour from an empty cup.” It’s important to do what you need to do to feel happy, healthy, and safe as an individual before you help someone else.
While your partner may add positivity and joy to your life (and you to theirs), you may benefit from having separate interests apart from one another. Taking care of yourself in this way may help you be a more supportive partner. Make self-care a resolution. Studies show that forms of self-care, including practicing optimism, can improve martial satisfaction.
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- Take a short questionnaire. Answer a few quick questions about your goals, preferences, and the type of therapist you’d like to work with.
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- Start therapy on your terms. Schedule sessions by video, phone, or live chat, and join from anywhere you have an internet connection.
Finding the right therapist isn’t just important – it’s everything.
Find your matchLearn your partner's love language
Gary Chapman wrote a famous book called The Five Love Languages, which discusses the different ways in which people may experience and express love. The five "languages" include:
- Physical touch
- Acts of service
- Gift giving and receiving
- Words of affirmation
- Quality time
Knowing how your partner receives love may help you show it in a way they understand.
Focus on the positive
Humans tend to focus on the negative aspects of their lives more than the positive ones. This inclination may cause you to lose sight of the good things in your relationship. A little bit of gratitude can go a long way in helping you to appreciate your partner more.
Spend time together
Couples in happy and healthy relationships often prioritize spending time with one another. Although everyone has different needs regarding quality time, and personal space, with successful relationships, both people typically enjoy being in each other's presence.
What activities you choose to do together or how much time you choose to spend may not matter as much as making sure you're both having fun. Love may take a lot of work, but many couples find their efforts worthwhile.
How online therapy can help
You may reach a point in your relationship when counseling could offer further insight. Many couples find that couples counseling can be a tool to help strengthen their bond. You don’t necessarily need to have a mental health condition to try counseling, and couples counseling is available for people in any stage of a relationship, from casual dating to marriage. Some strategies that a therapist may use to strengthen connection may include:
- Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)
- Emotionally focused therapy (EFT)
- Journaling
- Practicing active listening techniques
- Roleplay
- Mindfulness practices
If you're questioning whether you're still in love with someone, you may not know where to turn with your doubts. Sometimes, friends and other loved ones are too close to you and your partner for you to trust that you're receiving sound advice. Speaking with an unbiased person, like a therapist, may be helpful. A therapist can offer guidance from a more neutral perspective and be a sounding board for your questions.
Online therapy may be a good option for couples, as sessions can be worked around their busy schedules. One study found that couples therapy delivered online was just as effective as traditional face-to-face therapy. In general, both partners responded well to teletherapy and found that their experience was similar to conventional therapy.
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Through platforms such as BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples, you may connect with a licensed therapist from the comfort of your own home. Online therapy can help you navigate your feelings in the relationship and allow you to focus on your well-being.
Takeaway
communication, a commitment to continually getting to know your partner, and more.
Wondering whether you're still in love is okay, and you don't have to work through your doubts alone. Choosing to love and pursue your partner is an investment. Consider reaching out to a counselor to gain further insight on this topic.
Is it true that love is a choice?
Researchers commonly conceptualize love as a complex biochemical process that involves physiological, psychological, and environmental factors. Many scientists agree that some factors involved in love are beyond a person’s direct control, but at least some elements of love can likely be influenced through conscious choice. A common example is seen in the proximity principle. The proximity principle is an evidence-based theory that suggests physical proximity is a strong promoter of a romantic relationship. In other words, the more time you spend in close proximity to another person, the more likely you are to fall in love.
The principle continues into committed relationships. Many relationship experts highlight the importance of quality time and shared experiences between romantic partners to help them keep the love alive. By choosing to spend time with a partner, one could be said to be choosing love by facilitating the conditions necessary for it to prosper. Conversely, one could possibly prevent or inhibit love by intentionally distancing themselves from the other person.
What is a quote about love being a feeling or a choice?
One quote that could sum up the relationship between love, feelings, and choices comes from Matthew Kelly’s book The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved:
“Love is a choice, not a feeling. Feelings come and go, and if we choose to base our most important relationships on how we feel at any particular moment, we are in for a rough and rocky journey. Love is a verb, not a noun. Love is something we do, not something that happens to us.”
-Matthew Kelly
Do you fall in love, or is it a choice?
Many experts believe that love has some elements within a person’s direct control and other elements that are automatic. Feelings of love and attraction are known to be complex neurochemical processes. Some of the changes in the brain that lead to love happen automatically, but it is likely possible for a person to consciously intervene in the process. For example, a person could choose to focus on aspects of a person that may make them poorly suited for a long-term relationship, or a person could distance themselves from a potential love interest to prevent feelings from developing further.
Is it possible to decide to love someone?
Making the decision to love someone may be possible in some circumstances, but it is likely that it is not possible in all cases. One example might be found in an arranged marriage, wherein spouses do not have a choice in who they marry. While some arranged marriages do report high levels of marital satisfaction, evidence suggests that a lack of control when selecting a spouse is a strong predictor of depression. This might be due to some of the uncontrollable factors that determine whether two people will fall in love. Evidence suggests that love is most likely to occur between people who share similar interests and are willing to engage in the equal give-and-take that is commonly cited as necessary for happy long-term relationships. If those elements are present, it may be possible to consciously choose to allow feelings of love to develop.
Is true love just a feeling?
Love is commonly considered one of the most complex feelings a human can experience. It is caused by the combined actions of several neurotransmitters and hormones, likely moving in stages from basic attraction to the consummate love that is often seen in partners who have been together for a long time. Love’s progression and complexity mean it can feel different over time, and some people may conceptualize love as many different feelings. The way someone describes love may also vary considerably from person to person.
Do we actually need love?
Most humans likely need some form of love in their lives. However, romantic love may not be required. Evidence suggests that most humans need positive social interactions for optimal mental and physical health. For many, loving relationships with friends and family fulfill much of their need for social interaction, even if that love is platonic.
How do we decide who we love?
Feelings of love are likely partially mediated by emotions beyond a person’s control, although direct control is likely possible for some aspects of love. For example, a person might choose to spend more time with someone for whom they are developing feelings, making a conscious decision to prioritize interactions with that person. However, some aspects of love are likely innate, based on complex neurological and psychological interactions. Aspects such as physical attraction preferences and what behavior a person considers attractive may be based on factors outside of their direct control.
What is the paradox of choice in love?
The paradox of choice refers to a psychological phenomenon that occurs when a person is given excessive options when making a single decision. In many cases, as the number of choices increases, the likelihood that a person is satisfied with their choice decreases. Excessive choices can also reduce decision-making efficiency, making it harder to make a final decision. In love, the paradox of choice likely applies to the number of potential romantic partners a person has to choose from. If they have many potential partners, they may be less satisfied with the partner they ultimately choose. Conversely, if they have few potential partners from which to choose, they may be significantly more satisfied with the partner they end up with.
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